What causes burning chest and nose

CHAPTER 9 – ENTROPY
DATE: MARCH 10th, 7 A.U. (AFTER UNIFICATION) LOCATION: SOL SYSTEM, ABOARD UTRN INDOMITABLE WILL
CAPTAIN HENRY O’TOOLE
"Ah, there you are Commander. Your message said there was something you wanted to talk with me about, right?" Henry asked as his executive officer approached the system map.
“Aye Captain, now's a good a time as any. As you know, the rate of disciplinary incidents has more than tripled in the last two weeks. We've had six fistfights, one near strangling, a few dozen counts of sexual harassment amongst different parties, and a few more incidents of a nature that I would rather not get into for fear of derailing the point of this conversation. I need additional resources to allocate towards ship internal security. With your permission, I'd like to borrow some of our more trusted marines to help the MA's out on their off shifts.” Commander Alvarez asked.
“Yeah, of course, take what you need to nip this in the bud. I can't say I'm entirely surprised; we expected a certain amount of this with the stresses of FTL travel. With everyone cooped up like this, maybe we should brainstorm some new outlets for the crew. Were there any specific incidents I need to get involved with?” Henry replied as he looked up from the list of updates and reports on his own console.
“No, I have it covered. It's just the regs state I need to ask permission to use marines for internal security matters.” The Commander waved it off.
“Excellent, continue to keep me in the loop then. Can I ask you a question?” Henry took the opportunity to ask something that had been bothering him.
“You just did. Hah! Just kidding, put the axe away boy! Now what would you like to know?” He said with a twinkle in his eye.
“I've seen your file, well, the parts that weren’t redacted anyway. If anything, I should be taking your orders! I mean, you're the Space Wolf! Nobody came even close to the number of ships captured or destroyed than you in the early days of the battle for the belt. Why would they want me to be captain when they had someone like you coming along the whole time? Why aren't you a captain anymore? By all right this should be your command, not mine.” Henry asked, after taking one last look around to verify they were still alone around the system map.
Commander Alvarez seemed stunned for a moment before he settled into a more pensive look.
“Listen, son, you're all full of the vigor and high passions of youth. By that I mean you've got a certain fire and aggression in you, yet I've seen you keep it balanced by wit and wisdom. You are a perfect match for the job, even if you could use some more real world experience. With some guidance, you'll do just fine, if you can keep strict standards for yourself and crew and a cool head when things get tough. I... got a lot of damn good men and women killed in an impossible situation when we lost the Michigan-II, and I never truly got over it. No amount of medals, captured enemy ships, or the fact that I've saved many more lives than I lost can make up for that. I finally found peace with that, but that peace required that I relieve myself of any chance of future command. My legacy, for better or worse, is set in stone. Joining this expedition gives me another chance at adjusting the scales without breaking my former vows, even if the only people who will ever know it are here on the voyage with us.”
“So, you claim you have no aims or desires for leadership, but here you are a mere heartbeat away from it.” Henry said, carefully studying his executive officer's every reaction.
“My time for glory is mostly gone, yours is at your feet before you. To the world, I am retired in comfort and isolation. In reality you have me here to help make your will law. You can relax. I already turned down command of this expedition. I was plan A, why do you think they had to scramble to find you? I will take command of this mission only if you are incapable of doing so yourself, Sir. In the meantime, let my experience and whatever wisdom I can offer guide you.”
An emergency alert snapped both of their attention out of their conversation. "There's a fire in one of the officer's cabins?!" Henry’s pulse quickened as he referenced the map to find which one.
“Fuck, it started in Chantal’s room!” Henry said, horrified.
“I've got the CIC under control. Go on and get her, I'll ensure help is on the way!”
“Thank you, Commander.” Henry called back over his shoulder as he rushed for the quick lift.
The officer cabins were the in the very next deck overhead, so he was able to arrive quickly and break into a sprint. The ship shifted as it dodged some antimatter, causing Henry to slip and scramble back to his feet. As he rounded the corner he saw her door was closed and the keypad powered was off. He could hear thumps and muffled screaming from within the room.
"HANG ON CHANTAL, I'M COMING!" Henry shouted in the hope that she could hear him as he pried at the manual override panel.
Two modified Paladin exo-combat armor suits rounded the corner seconds later with a hospitalman trailing behind pushing a medical cart.
"WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE, SIR." A speaker-amplified voice spoke from behind him.
One of the Paladin suits accessed the manual control override and forced the door open enough for the other suit to reach in and pry it the rest of the way open as smoke plumed into the corridor. The second suit charged into the room with its flood lights on as a water cannon mounted on the right wrist sprayed flame retardant from a pack on its back. The first suit abandoned the door control and entered, emerging moments later with Chantal awake and coughing from inside the darkened door frame. She was quickly ushered into cleaner air, set gently down, wrapped in a blanket, and was quickly attended to by a hospitalman who began to check her vitals.
Relief flooded Henry’s mind as his adrenaline surge broke against the wall of worry he had built up during his mad dash from the CIC.
“Baby you came for me! I honestly thought I was going to die for a moment in there." She pulled him into a tight embrace as she wept in cathartic release.
"Of course I did! I couldn't stand to lose you, especially not over something like this. So, what the hell happened in there?"
"Well you know me, I was all burning the midnight oil and then I smelled smoke! Then there were some sparks, the outlet pops then whoosh! My computer station and my desk are all ablaze along with half my notes, then the damned door wouldn't work! I had to drop to the floor under the smoke and pound on the door in hopes that someone would hear me. God, it was horrible... I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life." She replied with a deep shudder.
"You're safe now, it's going to be alright."
"I know, but what about my work?" She replied with a forlorn look back at her smoke damaged room.
"What about your work?"
"As you know, I lost a ton of it just now, but what’s worse is I don't even have the ability to recover them! Remember how I lost my backup drive last week? Like, I know I packed it and it is not here anywhere! It’s like some sick cosmic joke on me or something. Sorry! Gotta keep it positive, girl! I get to rethink my last few weeks’ worth of work from scratch... that was almost positive! I probably have most of this recoverable from email sent box backups. Fuck, what do you do if there's no good silver lining?” Chantal bemoaned.
Henry couldn’t help himself but laugh for a second, while his girlfriend stared at him, waiting for a response.
“I’m sorry, is this funny to you or something?”
“No, no of course not. This might be one of those times where the only silver lining is that you're alive. Plus, if anyone can remember and rebuild their notes, you can." Henry smiled down at her.
“Fine, fine, at least I am alive. I was only breathing smoke for a few seconds after all.” She said, rolling her eyes. “Thank you for rushing down here right away anyway, it means a lot. You're amazing, you know.”
Henry smiled, slightly uncomfortable for a moment, so he changed the subject.
“I do my best... Anyway, it seems like these electrical issues seem to be getting worse instead of better. Whatever patch these clowns have slapped on my ship to get her to pass inspection is clearly coming undone. What do you think is going on here?” Henry asked in mild exasperation.
“Honestly, I can’t tell you without digging into the systems myself, which I would rather avoid. My plate is full enough as it is right now, especially having to reproduce so much of my own work now. This ship has kilometers of power cables running throughout it, after all, and you have an entire loyal, capable team down there in electrical, so it should only be a matter of time before they sort it out for you. Let them do their jobs without harassing them too much, please?”
Henry felt a little irked at her for not giving him credit to know not to go overboard, but he stowed it, seeing as she was right.
“The crew has been under a lot of stress, too, having technical issues with the lights going out, or losing power to workstations. More than a few people have tried to convince me to turn us around and return to S33 for a more in-depth refit and repair cycle before we try the mission again. So far, everyone has accepted the fact that we are not turning back now without much argument, but I fear what may happen if these issues are seen as getting worse. Our orders are clear, though, we must continue the journey.” Henry said, uncomfortable with the implications, even if he didn't dare voice it.
“You should get on the Q-Comm to report the fire to S33. Maybe they will order us back to base after this.” She offered, looking for a solution to an impossible problem.
“Good idea, at least the Q-Comm is still working. It’s incredible to me those particles maintained their entanglement once we passed through the baryonic barrier. That alone has been a huge morale boost, being able to contact home base with no time lag.” Henry replied.
“It’s incredible to you because you only have a basic grasp of the science, hon. But that’s alright, very few people truly understand it. That’s in part what you have me here for anyway. Einstein called the effect spooky action from a distance; I always liked that line.”
Henry ran his fingers through his hair and looked at Chantal, with a shake of his head and a smile.
“Listen, Henry, I just had a crazy stressful experience and I need to unwind. Plus, I haven’t slept in almost a day, so I am bone tired. Let’s go to bed, huh? What do you say doc, am I clear to go?” Chantal asked.
The hospitalman closed her eyes and shook her head before responding. "Yes, you are cleared to rest, only to rest, do you understand me?"
Chantal mouthed a thank you before she took Henry by the hand and led him off to the captain’s quarters. Henry felt no desire to fight it, nor flaw with her reasoning. Sleep sounded good, really good. Plus, he was about an hour from the start of his sleep shift anyway, and Alvarez had the CIC well covered. The lights flickered again, but Henry very purposefully ignored it.
“Hey, since we have a little time and we are both a little wound up, Why don’t we take a shower together real quick?” She said with genuine enthusiasm and a wink.
“Madam, I like the way you think.” The couple raced just a bit faster than regulations would have liked, and arrived at his door in record speed. Inside the room they fell upon each other in great passion and need, stripping each other out of their BDU’s and underclothes. Henry tossed a giggling Chantal onto the bed, kissing her neck and nibbling on her ear causing her to purr in anticipation before he moved down her chest, past her navel, and then eagerly began to move his kisses in between her thighs.
“Hah…. I haven’t showered. Are you sure? Oooookay! I think…. Hah…. Okay.” She said breathlessly as Henry began to work his tongue until she began to shiver and squirm before she cried out and melted in his mouth.
“Enough, please, I can’t take it anymore! Just fuck me already!” Chantal pulled herself together enough to beg for it. Henry stood rigid and ready and set himself to granting her request, first slowly, and with a growing intensity. She once more began to squirm as he paid close attention to her hip’s cues, knowing very well by now what she liked.
As she climaxed again, Henry lifted her from the bed and pushed her up against the wall, and then bent her over his desk for a bit before he could take it no longer and they finished together.
“Holy shit… my legs aren’t gonna work for a bit after that one. Help me up?” Chantal said in between shallow breaths.
“Yes, ma’am. It would be my pleasure.” Henry said as he helped her to her feet and into the shower, staying in longer than was strictly necessary.
Henry left the steam first, once more thankful that his cabin included its own small bathroom, rather than a communal one. Being captain had its perks, after all. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist, then handed another to Chantal who gratefully accepted it before it dropped to the ground as she stared straight past him.
“Henry!" She squeaked as she pointed past him.
"What?" Henry asked, confused.
"Henry, someone was in here!”
On their bathroom mirror, wiped from the steam were the words TURN BACK.
Henry's blood ran cold and his adrenaline spiked him into overdrive. He waved Chantal back into the shower and put his finger to his lips. She nodded then wrapped herself in her retrieved towel and dropped to the shower floor with her arms wrapped around her knees, whimpering slightly. Henry moved silently along the wall, watching the visible half of his room for any movement. He then burst round the door frame, only to find everything perfectly, precisely as they had left it. The shock of finding nothing collided with the spike of his adrenaline surge, which only fed his growing unease.
“There’s nobody here!” Henry called out after checking the closet, the only other place someone could have hidden.
“Did you lock the door?” Chantal asked, her mind already working on the mystery.
“I set the security protocol to auto lock every time it closes.”
“Paul. We need to talk to Paul.” Chantal said, squeezing her BDU’s up over her hips with a few hops. Henry pulled on his undershirt before tossing over hers.
“Why would we want to bring that weasel into this?” Henry asked, incredulous at to how he could possibly help.
“Because he has access to the surveillance tapes, why else?”
Henry stared at Chantal, brimming with rage, trying his hardest to keep it isolated to Paul over the invasion of his privacy.
“Did you just say surveillance tapes!?!” Henry asked in an icy tone. “That does it, I’m going to strangle him.” Henry said, moving with a purpose toward the door.
“Stop. Turn around and give me a kiss. I already disabled the video cameras, at least all the ones I could find. He has audio at best, even that I doubt. What he does have that I want is the data from the motion sensor that he had installed just in case you found the more obvious bugs. Unfortunately, I sabotaged its effectiveness by blocking the sensor with dense foam, but there might be enough of something to give us a clue."
“How in the hell do you know about all of this anyway, and why the hell didn’t you tell me?!” Henry roared.
“This entire enterprise is run by an intelligence agency; how can you not have seen that one coming a mile away? I have gotten very good at catching bugs over the years. Just because I expect the invasion of privacy to be happening, doesn’t mean I have to make it easy on them.” She replied firmly while staring him in the eyes with raised eyebrows.
“You’re incredible, I love you.” Henry blurted out before he could catch himself. Chantal beamed and tackled him to the bed sitting on his lap.
“What took you so long? Never mind, don’t answer that. I love you too, I have wanted to say that one for a while now.”
“You know these things aren’t easy for me. I had to be sure, I also didn’t want to mess anything up. We need to be able to work together even if we had turned out to be a bad couple.” Henry admitted, Chantal made an show as she thought it over, but she then smiled and helped Henry to his feet.
“Alright, my captain. You speak great wisdom. While I have certainly felt, and thoroughly enjoyed, the depths of your passion, it is really nice to hear about it too. I do think it makes it all the better that you rule said passion with reason. It’s one of the many things I love about you.” She said, laying her hand over his heart.
Henry took her other hand and kissed it before replying. “I think above all, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t take you for granted, nor suffer the same in reverse. A wise woman once gave me some great advice there that I have taken to heart.”
“Okay, Romeo, maybe you have a better handle on these things than you think. Now… Let’s go interrogate Paul.” Chantal had a fire in her eyes that Henry was loving very much at that moment.
“I have wanted to turn the screws on that spook for a while now.” Henry smiled as he spoke, and he opened up the connection to the ship’s intranet through his neural implant to send a message.
MEET ME IN YOUR QUARTERS IN 5 MINUTES FOR A DISCUSSION OF CRITICAL IMPORTANCE – CPT. O'TOOLE
“That ought to get him there and alone.” Henry smirked. “Let’s go.”
Together, they made their way to Paul’s equivalent-sized quarters, which he had somehow secured for himself in the ship design to help facilitate his role as the official thorn in Henry’s paw. I guess being the captain’s handler has its perks as well. Henry’s eye twitched at the corner.
After making them wait far too long, Paul opened the door and gesturing them inside. The door closed and Paul turned towards them, narrowing his eyes, studying them both.
“Is this about the fire?” Paul asked before Henry punched the weasel right in the diaphragm, forcing him to gasp for air. The look of shock on his face as he bent forwards was priceless.
“What the fuck, Henry!?” Paul managed to choke out after a minute between gasps.
“Relax, I didn’t do any permanent damage, yet.” Henry said, Paul for just a second showed actual fear in his eyes before he sneered in defiance. “Oh? That got your attention, did it? Why were you spying on me?” Henry growled.
Paul closed his eyes, dropped his head, and began to laugh before Henry grabbed him by the throat and slammed him into the wall. Foolishly, Paul even then kept laughing amidst the gasping. So Henry squeezed until Paul started slapping his arm, looking genuine fear once more growing across his face.
“Orders… I was following orders!” Paul managed to say amidst gasps and coughs.
“I thought it might be something like that. You're going to open up those files, now, and you're going to show me everything.” Henry said, dropping him to his feet at last.
“Fucking hell, Henry, I thought you of all people would have anticipated this was going to be the case. Do you think the people who made this all possible would simply let you fly around the most dangerous, advanced warship in human history without some insurance?”
“Don’t try and weasel out of your own personal culpability here. You may also want to think back to other people who were “only following orders” while performing acts they knew were wrong before you wave that line around like some get out of jail free card.” The fact that he had nothing to say spoke volumes.
“You should have told me Paul.” Henry growled.
“That defeats the purpose! Plus, your girlfriend sabotaged them all before we ever left S33 anyway, and once more after! That type of tech doesn’t just grow on trees you know, and I don’t have an unlimited supply. You should be thanking me for covering for her and reporting back like things are normal!” Paul shouted in indignation.
“This is pointless, show me the files from around fifteen minutes ago, motion trackers, thermals, anything you have that's not blocked or sabotaged.” Henry commanded. Paul’s eyes narrowed, but after a long moment he huffed and closed his eyes. Paul then sat down at his station and fired it up.
“Like I said, I've got practically nothing. No video, muffled audio and readings from what I assume to be a faulty motion sensor, that’s it. What are we looking for?”
“Chantal and I were, well, together. After we got out of the shower we saw that someone had written turn back in the condensation on the bathroom mirror. Only problem? My door auto locks when closed and only opens for my biometrics. That is why all of this even came up in the first place.”
“Motherfucker. That's a whole heap of bad news.” Paul said. Henry merely nodded, paying rather more attention to the screen to see if he could catch Paul in a lie about the extent of the spying.
“There’s nothing. No disturbances in the air that would even remotely resemble human movement between you two getting in the shower and you charging into your bedroom. With the noise of the shower and the distance to the microphone, there is nothing I can discern that is anomalous. You can see it all right here for yourself.”
Henry found himself even more confused and alarmed than before.
“How is that possible? Look again, run through some filters or something. There must be some evidence somewhere!”
“Alright, relax, I will get to work on this and get you a report by the end of C shift. In the meantime, you look like a mess. Get some sleep man! I can take care of it from here. Oh, and I want you to remember that I forgave you quite magnanimously for that little episode back there where you attacked me.” Henry and Chantal gave each other a look as Paul spoke.
“Wasn’t gonna apologize anyway, you had it coming. I’m going to hit the rack. I expect that report to be detailed and ready when I get up.” Henry took Chantal by the hand, and they left together, not waiting for a response.
“What a snake. Did you see him in there? Zero guilt or recognition whatsoever about spying like that. It just makes my skin crawl. Gives me bad memories.” Chantal said, turning pensive and quiet.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Henry asked, seeing that there was something clearly bothering her.
“I… had an uncle that lived with us from time to time and he would spy on me when I was dressing, try and sneak looks in the shower, stuff like that. Never touched me or anyone else that I know of, thank god, but man did it screw me up a bit still. Played havoc with my sense of security and even my sanity, never being quite sure it was real. I wish I had said something, but I was afraid everyone would think I was overreacting or imagining it. I saw it in his eyes though, that look of... predatory lust. At least I didn't see anything like that in Paul's eyes. To this day it makes my skin crawl.”
“Good God, I can see how alone you must have felt in the middle of all that.” He squeezed her hand, she smiled up at him.
“Yeah, that was one of the hardest parts. I don’t think Paul is some raging pervert or anything, but it concerns me how normal it was to him. Even if he isn’t being a creep with it, as if we can take his claims to be covering for me at face value. There is still no way I am going to let him have easy access to intimate videos of us, if I can possibly help it.” Chantal said before adding, “I’ll be all right, don’t worry about me. Let’s just get some sleep.”
Henry put his palm against the biometric scanner outside his room and the door slid open for them. They definitely needed some sleep after the emotional roller coaster of the past few hours, and the irresistible warm embrace of his bed called for him. The Q-Comm report could wait until he woke, he decided. Better to have the electrical inspection done too.
I WANT A FULL REPORT AND INSPECTION PERFORMED ON THE ELECTRICAL FIRE IN CHANTAL’S ROOM BY THE START OF A SHIFT. – CAPT. O'TOOLE
Good enough. Henry thought as he sent the message. Now he could sleep. The chief would handle it.
SEVERAL HOURS LATER…
DATE : MARCH 10th, 7 A.U. LOCATION: SOL SYSTEM, ABOARD UTRN INDOMITABLE WILL
FIREMAN APPRENTICE SARAH CALLAHAN
It'll be back again tonight...
Sarah’s haunted thoughts repeated like a mantra. She had to be ready, but how? Her skin crawled and itched, the long sleeves of her BDU’s prevented her from being able to do anything about the painful sensation from the inflamed scratches they hid. She blearily rubbed at her sunken eyes, and she drained the rest of her coffee. All the numbers on the screen had started bleeding in together and her eyes hurt horribly, with the throbbing pain in her abdomen only compounding her misery.
“My god, Sarah, you look a wreck, hon. How have you been sleeping?” Yvonne, her shift partner asked, with concern in her voice.
“I have a monster tension headache, if the meds are going to kick in, I hope it’s soon. Can you check my math? I need to get out of these white lights for a few minutes. Close my eyes for a bit, something, anything. I've been having nightmares again.” Sarah felt good, being able to admit it, and Yvonne had long since proven her friendship, so it was easier to actually speak.
“Yeah, no prob. As soon as I am done here I will check your readings and we can get out of here. Do you mean nightmares from the invasion?” Yvonne asked, carefully picking her words and tone.
“Kind of the same general themes, but different. Everything is going wrong, like the worst possible outcomes of my worst nightmares are all combining together. Like, it feels malicious, I don't know, its hard to explain...” Sarah said, bleakly.
“That’s hard, I am sorry. You need a shower, and an uninterrupted nap. Sleep deprivation plays all kinds of hell on the body and mind. I had a friend who went through an insomniac phase so extreme he would go days without sleeping. Wound up in the hospital after trying to drive to work while hallucinating his dead fiancée was sitting in the passenger seat screaming at him to watch out. Wound up rear-ending the car in front of him. Thank God he lived to tell the tale, but that is why it worries me to see you like this.” Yvonne planted her hand on Sarah’s shoulder as she told the story.
“Yikes, I think I slept like two hours into my sleep shift before I started having the nightmares again, woke up, and passed in and out of some restless sleep. It got really bad around oh three hundred. There were sounds... noises like scratching and a loud bang, and the shadows were moving. I just kept feeling like I was being watched, but everyone else seemed to be having disturbed sleep in their bunks. God, it was a creepy feeling.” Sarah took a moment to compose herself.
“I know how crazy this will sound, maybe that I am sleep deprived and likely hallucinating like your friend, but just hear me out. There was something there Yvonne, in the dark at the edge of perception, I could feel it. I also know I wasn’t the only one tossing and turning either. I could also hear scratchy whispering, too. I just hid, strapped in under the weighted blanket. At some point I slept some more, I must have, but not for what felt like a few stressful and draining hours. I'm just making a total mess of explaining this, aren’t I?”
“No, you're fine, girl! I am sorry that happened, my dorm has been pretty quiet, but I have always slept like a rock. Is there anything I can do?”
“I could use a hug.” Sarah said, which caused Yvonne to laugh, breaking some of the tension. They embraced warmly for a good minute, which did wonders for relieving some of the headache and her black mood.
“Thanks, Yvonne, I know it’s all in my head and it’s a vicious feedback cycle due to lack of quality sleep. Thanks for listening without calling me crazy.“ Sarah said, shying away from the last thing she hadn’t the courage to say.
She didn’t dare mention how she had hidden under the covers as she felt it get near. How she had felt something pushing on the mattress. How as her fear peaked, she herself peeked over the covers to find nothing there just to have the oppressive feeling evaporate along with the sensation of pressure by her feet. Her dorm mates all seemed to stop stirring after that, and only then did the nightmares stop for her that night. By then she was left with barely enough time for one last short sleep cycle before the start of A shift that very morning. This was a secret she would have to keep to herself, nobody would believe her anyway.
“I think I'll ask the Chief for a break from my duties today to rest and to visit med bay. Maybe they can give me something to help catch back up on my sleep.” Sarah said.
“Good idea, can I come with? I’ll back you up.” Yvonne said. Sarah smiled at her friend before she nodded at her before they checked off the last of their duties on site and headed away to find the Chief.

I've been trying to deconstruct my faith for the last year and a half. However, I haven't accomplished much. I've bought four books people have recommended on this sub, but I haven't had the time to read them. I've tried to read the Bible more critically, but I get bored after a chapter or two. I do enjoy watching YouTube videos from Genetically Modified Skeptic, MindShift, Belief It or Not, Prophet of Zod, etc. Those have given me food for thought.
I get so overwhelmed thinking I have to know all this history, science, and philosophy that I feel incapable of doing this. People told me I was a smart kid growing up, but the life couple of years have beaten me down to the point that I worry I don't have the time, patience, or critical thinking skills to do this. Also, I still have this paranoia about being misled, that either side (Christians vs. ex-Christians) is twisting things to back up their narrative. It's like I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders, but they switch roles depending on how I'm feeling. Sometimes, I think I should give up deconstructing and keep going to church because that's all I've known. At the same time, I don't want to do that. I want to think for myself, not mindlessly accept whatever the guy from the pulpit is saying.
I've reflected on why I decided to deconstruct. Questioning my sexual orientation was a huge reason (I'll expand on that in a different post at a later time), but the other big reason is I was feeling increasingly disconnected from my faith. In college, I was often sad because I thought God loved my friends more than me. I felt like they were doing everything right and he was blessing them. However, even though I was trying my best, I often felt like it wasn't good enough for God. Was I not trusting him enough? Was I not praying or reading the Bible enough? Was he disappointed I wasn't telling everyone about Jesus? I was also burnt out from doing church stuff all the time. Almost every day since my freshman year, I was at church, at a Bible study, serving the community with my ministry, etc. By the start of 2020, I was so exhausted I thought about not going to church anymore, or at least less often.
What really cut me like a knife was when a close friend ghosted me. They're beliefs became more extreme, so they decided to leave and tell me and all our mutuals that we're going to Hell if we don't get on the same path as them. I know they're an extreme person, and our relationship had been very rocky, but it still hurt that they essentially said we can't be friends because I'm not the right kind of Christian. Then, I started working with this Catholic guy at my first full-time job. I think he said only Catholics go to Heaven (please correct me if that's wrong, ex-Catholics). At that point, I want to throw my hands up and say, "Fuck this!" If we Christians couldn't agree on what this book says or what God wants, why the fuck should I let this dictate how I live my life? That was a major sign that I need to reevaluate what I believe. I don't want to live my life paranoid I'm going to burn in Hell if I don't live a particular way.
I know deconstruction takes time; it could take years. I'm just having a hard time being patient with myself and making time to do the work. I work evenings, so I'm drained when I get home at night. When I'm off work, I want to make time for my hobbies or just relaxing. I'm hoping to go back to school in the near future. I don't know how to fit deconstruction into my life. I also don't know how to navigate my relationships with people at church when I have this rift in my faith, and I'm hesitant to share what's going on.
Anyway, thanks for listening to my ramble. I've been needing to get this off my chest.

Make 23 None smoker None drinker No health conditions Slim Healthy
How do I finally over come heart anxiety ?
Bit of a back story! My cousin died when we were both 15 and 18 years later we still have no idea what caused it we just know it was his heart. Then I lost my grandad my parents broke up and then I had a mentally abusive relationship.
Anyway, when this happened at 15 we had to be seen by specialist cardiologist. I was always extremely fit and health young because I played football at a high level. Anyway, at 15 I had 1 ecg and 1 24 hr monitor both came back perfect. Structure and everything perfect. Cardiologist said he would contact me six months after if I needed anymore testing but I never got a message.
At 19 I had bad anxiety after all this stuff, I had my first heart symptoms. Racing heart thuds flutters etc. went to doctor he gave me a in doctor ecg ( wasn’t a good one I just put my fingers on these pads) it read my heart he said everything’s perfect but that my heart was like 130 but I was having a panic attack so nothing to worry about. Then at 21 my family do charity ECG so you don’t have to pay thousands. And I went to it ! Everyday for 2 weeks leading up to the test I was getting so many palpitations. I had the test and then they stopped and I was fine. Fast forward 2 years I’m 23 and apart from a couple palpitations after eating I didn’t get any for two years.
Then I got anxiety after a random panic attack in the big city I was walking and my legs went like jelly I felt dizzy and had panic attack. My anxiety told me it was diabetes so for the next few weeks out of nowhere I felt a bit derealised and then instantly went into panic attacks. I did get them after sugar sometimes so I got really scared. Anyway, I realised I didn’t have diabtetes. Then it was epilepsy, brain tumour and then heart palps again.
ANYWAY, the problem this time is it’s been a year and I’ve been having palpitations everyday !!!
Well, I say palpitations some of them I get I know are thuds etc but the ones I’ve been having everyday are weird. It’s like a warm feeling in chest that goes into stomach, I guess could be gas.
9/10 times when I feel my pulse after feeling them my heart rate is normal and a normal rhythm so I’m not sure if it’s anything to do with my heart.
Some other I get make my heart race but i think maybe from the adrenaline.
Anyway, my aunty spoke to the cardiologist and said she wants to know what her son died of. So the cardiologist gave them stress test and brugada syndrome test and nothing came up but now WE (rest of family) have to have stress test and brugada test.
I’m so scared thinking something might come up. Especially on the stress test. I haven’t played football in 4 years and it was my whole life everything I ever dreamed of now I can’t run too fast because I get uncomfortable with feeling my heart race. I have sometimes had palpitation when running and exercising (possibly gas ) but I’m sure some of them have been thuds.
So I read on google and now I’m too scared to fully push myself and play football and also too scared when I feel these heart palpitations.
Do I have anything to worry about ? Have I had enough reassurance ? What are the chances of something being wrong.
Thanks in advance !

Make 23 None smoker None drinker No health conditions Slim Healthy
How do I finally over come heart anxiety ?
Bit of a back story! My cousin died when we were both 15 and 18 years later we still have no idea what caused it we just know it was his heart. Then I lost my grandad my parents broke up and then I had a mentally abusive relationship.
Anyway, when this happened at 15 we had to be seen by specialist cardiologist. I was always extremely fit and health young because I played football at a high level. Anyway, at 15 I had 1 ecg and 1 24 hr monitor both came back perfect. Structure and everything perfect. Cardiologist said he would contact me six months after if I needed anymore testing but I never got a message.
At 19 I had bad anxiety after all this stuff, I had my first heart symptoms. Racing heart thuds flutters etc. went to doctor he gave me a in doctor ecg ( wasn’t a good one I just put my fingers on these pads) it read my heart he said everything’s perfect but that my heart was like 130 but I was having a panic attack so nothing to worry about. Then at 21 my family do charity ECG so you don’t have to pay thousands. And I went to it ! Everyday for 2 weeks leading up to the test I was getting so many palpitations. I had the test and then they stopped and I was fine. Fast forward 2 years I’m 23 and apart from a couple palpitations after eating I didn’t get any for two years.
Then I got anxiety after a random panic attack in the big city I was walking and my legs went like jelly I felt dizzy and had panic attack. My anxiety told me it was diabetes so for the next few weeks out of nowhere I felt a bit derealised and then instantly went into panic attacks. I did get them after sugar sometimes so I got really scared. Anyway, I realised I didn’t have diabtetes. Then it was epilepsy, brain tumour and then heart palps again.
ANYWAY, the problem this time is it’s been a year and I’ve been having palpitations everyday !!!
Well, I say palpitations some of them I get I know are thuds etc but the ones I’ve been having everyday are weird. It’s like a warm feeling in chest that goes into stomach, I guess could be gas.
9/10 times when I feel my pulse after feeling them my heart rate is normal and a normal rhythm so I’m not sure if it’s anything to do with my heart.
Some other I get make my heart race but i think maybe from the adrenaline.
Anyway, my aunty spoke to the cardiologist and said she wants to know what her son died of. So the cardiologist gave them stress test and brugada syndrome test and nothing came up but now WE (rest of family) have to have stress test and brugada test.
I’m so scared thinking something might come up. Especially on the stress test. I haven’t played football in 4 years and it was my whole life everything I ever dreamed of now I can’t run too fast because I get uncomfortable with feeling my heart race. I have sometimes had palpitation when running and exercising (possibly gas ) but I’m sure some of them have been thuds.
So I read on google and now I’m too scared to fully push myself and play football and also too scared when I feel these heart palpitations.
Do I have anything to worry about ? Have I had enough reassurance ? What are the chances of something being wrong.
Thanks in advance !

Make 23 None smoker None drinker No health conditions Slim Healthy
How do I finally over come heart anxiety ?
Bit of a back story! My cousin died when we were both 15 and 18 years later we still have no idea what caused it we just know it was his heart. Then I lost my grandad my parents broke up and then I had a mentally abusive relationship.
Anyway, when this happened at 15 we had to be seen by specialist cardiologist. I was always extremely fit and health young because I played football at a high level. Anyway, at 15 I had 1 ecg and 1 24 hr monitor both came back perfect. Structure and everything perfect. Cardiologist said he would contact me six months after if I needed anymore testing but I never got a message.
At 19 I had bad anxiety after all this stuff, I had my first heart symptoms. Racing heart thuds flutters etc. went to doctor he gave me a in doctor ecg ( wasn’t a good one I just put my fingers on these pads) it read my heart he said everything’s perfect but that my heart was like 130 but I was having a panic attack so nothing to worry about. Then at 21 my family do charity ECG so you don’t have to pay thousands. And I went to it ! Everyday for 2 weeks leading up to the test I was getting so many palpitations. I had the test and then they stopped and I was fine. Fast forward 2 years I’m 23 and apart from a couple palpitations after eating I didn’t get any for two years.
Then I got anxiety after a random panic attack in the big city I was walking and my legs went like jelly I felt dizzy and had panic attack. My anxiety told me it was diabetes so for the next few weeks out of nowhere I felt a bit derealised and then instantly went into panic attacks. I did get them after sugar sometimes so I got really scared. Anyway, I realised I didn’t have diabtetes. Then it was epilepsy, brain tumour and then heart palps again.
ANYWAY, the problem this time is it’s been a year and I’ve been having palpitations everyday !!!
Well, I say palpitations some of them I get I know are thuds etc but the ones I’ve been having everyday are weird. It’s like a warm feeling in chest that goes into stomach, I guess could be gas.
9/10 times when I feel my pulse after feeling them my heart rate is normal and a normal rhythm so I’m not sure if it’s anything to do with my heart.
Some other I get make my heart race but i think maybe from the adrenaline.
Anyway, my aunty spoke to the cardiologist and said she wants to know what her son died of. So the cardiologist gave them stress test and brugada syndrome test and nothing came up but now WE (rest of family) have to have stress test and brugada test.
I’m so scared thinking something might come up. Especially on the stress test. I haven’t played football in 4 years and it was my whole life everything I ever dreamed of now I can’t run too fast because I get uncomfortable with feeling my heart race. I have sometimes had palpitation when running and exercising (possibly gas ) but I’m sure some of them have been thuds.
So I read on google and now I’m too scared to fully push myself and play football and also too scared when I feel these heart palpitations.
Do I have anything to worry about ? Have I had enough reassurance ? What are the chances of something being wrong.
Thanks in advance !

In this story Lloyd was actually evil he doesn't have some goodness like the main story.
Lloyd like in s1 robs candy Lloyd decided to rob people money in order to sustain himself and other stuff. Lloyd tries to free the serpentine but fails. Lloyd decide to buy random tea on a tea shop this time he tries to goes to he father in order to help him conquer Ninjago if you wonder how Lloyd got this information here how after wandering and researching on he father where abouts Lloyd decide to try drink an a random tea like the tomorrow teas with the help of he classmates and teacher he made it and drinks it he seeks more information about he father so he tries other random teas until he gets the traveler tea where he wander and finds he father. While he father disagree Lloyd tells him about the revenge against the ninja garmadon accept it's and he along with Lloyd goes to Ninjago and goes to seek trouble in villages once they reach the portal wu senses it he along with the ninja deploy it wu this time doesn't bring the golden weapons because garmadon could steal it a fight happens garmadon escape and goes at the monastery to get the golden weapons along with he son they burned the monastery and escape the ninjas goes on a quest to harness fully their elements and get the true potential while escaping garmadon accidentally slip and after the golden weapons getting drop when the weapons stand up and it revealed that Lloyd was the green ninja but he now the evil green ninja now garmadon knows this already and decide to train he son after going to an cave or any random places to lay low the ninja doesn't find Lloyd and ingnore him but they still continue to train in other to face Lloyd and garmadon almost two years since the last encounter Lloyd and garmadon continues to train with Lloyd honing to he powers and garmadon eventually makes the golden weapons the overlord never gets freed the events of s2 to day of the departed never happens due to the events in this what if. Nya also gets trained to be a ninja and learns spinjitzuz,water element and true potential during the time skip the ninja gets the elemental dragon sometime during the time skip when wu tells them about the higher forms of elements.
Time twins return The time twins eventually return with the time blades also returning garmadon and Lloyd senses this and decide to make a plan. When wu and the ninjas can't defeat krux they reach out to garmadon to form an temporary alliance to stop the krux. After reuniting with he brother they krux and Acronix do their plan like in the original with all of them competing with the timeblades the time twins were almost successful but the ninja stops them by using the elemental dragons to ram to the iron dook thus falling the time blades the ninja defeats them. nya and Kai still Mets their parents.
Evil vs good arc.. part 1 After defeating the time twins the Lloyd and garmadon steal the timeblades but the ninja managed to get the reverse time blade and keep them buried to the endless sea.
A year has passed Lloyd and garmadon form an gang called sog to cause chaos to Ninjago the ninja response to this threat but they were overpowered due to the group possessing the three time blades which give them an edge they conquer Ninjago city and the ninjas had to retreat to far parts to Ninjago where they lay low when the oni do eventually returns wu and garmadon again sign to form an temporary alliance to defeat the oni using the tornado of creation.
Evil vs good arc part 2 After defeating the oni the ninja do more quest and continue to train eventually learning about the forbidden spinjitzu when they infiltrate the city without garmadon knowing they rob many artifact in other to help them battle garmadon they trained themselves to gain control and mastery over the forbidden spinjitzu eventually learning that it can banish people when they accidentally banish during a training one of the ninja gets banished but they rescue it.
Kalmar tries to invade Ninjago using wojira but fails due to ninjas effort of freezing him by Zane using the power of forbidden spinjitzu Lloyd almost notice it but the ninja quickly run away.
Evil vs good arc part 3 A year has passed an the ninja continue to train until the overlord goes to Ninjago to conquer it but with again temporary alliance of garmadon and wu they manage to defeat him after defeating the overlord they fight.
The ninja against Lloyd and garmadon
Both being powerful but the ninjas eventually win by banishing them in the never realm.
Side note vex was already exile I'll end the series temporarily due to lightning and almost hitting me I'll post part 2 soon.

I played a lot of clash royale and stopped because of the pay to win updates, i am going to give it a try again.
I noticed that i have lots of stuff idk what to do with, and should i try to get the new tower guard?
Also back in the day i always used gems cause like once a week you can buy a legendary chest very cheap, is that still a thing or should i use it for something else?

Hi there everyone we are a group of students wanting to help make GP easy for all JC students. All it takes is 3 minutes a week to ace your GP paper.
Our newsletter will differentiate you from the rest of the students not reading our newsletter. In just 3 minutes a week, you will be in the know of all the biggest news and become smarter in just 3 minutes. The best part of it all is that we compile all the latest news from various sources and rewrite them such that it is more useful for your GP paper in a fun, easy-to-read format.
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Here are some snippets from our stories :
1. Unmasking the Deepfake Nightmare: When Tech Goes Too Far 💻
So, you know how sometimes technology can be super cool? Well, sometimes it’s not so cool. Take deepfake apps, for example. Teens are using these apps to make fake nude photos of their classmates and share them around. Not cool, right?📸
What’s the Deal? At high schools in places like Washington and New Jersey, guys are using these apps to take photos of girls and make them look naked. Then they share these fake photos with everyone. It’s causing a lot of trouble. 😱Why is it a Problem? Imagine someone using a fake photo of you without your permission. It's not just embarrassing; it’s a type of sexual abuse. That’s why people are trying to stop it. Laws have been passed in some places, and more are in the works.
But here’s the thing: some people think these laws aren’t enough. They say we need to crack down on the apps themselves. If we make it harder to use these apps, then there won’t be as many fake photos floating around. What Can We Do? So, how do we stop this? ...( read more on our student newsletter)
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2. Rioting Farmers Derail Europe's Green Dream 🌍💥
Imagine this: Lyon, France, 2021. The mayor decides to take red meat off school menus, not just for fun, but because it's safer and saves time during a pandemic. But oh boy, did the farmers lose it! They rolled into the city with tractors and cows, yelling about ideology on kids' plates 😱.
But Lyon was just the beginning. All over Europe, farmers revved up their engines, protesting against new eco-friendly rules and demanding more subsidies 💰. From Paris to Brussels to the Netherlands, it was a tractor-tastic rebellion.Europe had big plans to fight climate change with a Green Deal 🌍. But farmers weren't having it! They wanted all the perks of government help without any strings attached. And guess what? They got their way!
You see, for years, the EU has been giving farmers tons of money 💸. But here's the twist: most of these farms aren't exactly eco-friendly 🌱. They guzzle water, spew greenhouse gases, and use a truckload of pesticides 🚱.
But despite their small economic footprint, farmers in Europe have a HUGE say in politics 🚜. They've been getting away with demanding subsidies and blocking eco-friendly rules for ages! So when the EU proposed new laws to clean up farming, like using less pesticides and raising animals more humanely, farmers went ballistic! 💥
And guess what? They won! Politicians caved...( read more on our student newsletter)
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3. How AI is Cooking Up Food Innovation!
Hey foodies! Ever wondered how those tasty treats in your pantry get their delicious flavors? Well, buckle up because Unilever's spilling the beans on their secret ingredient: Artificial Intelligence!
Picture this: instead of chefs slaving away in the kitchen, Unilever's whipping up new recipes with the help of super-smart AI models. 👩‍🍳 These digital wizards predict how new products will taste, feel, and even behave on factory lines—all without breaking a sweat! 💡
But wait, there's more! Unilever's not just cooking up yummy snacks; they're also making them healthier, planet-friendly, and affordable! 🌍 With AI in their toolkit, they're cracking the code to create the perfect balance of taste and sustainability.
Take Knorr's Zero Salt Bouillon Cubes, for example. 🍲 By harnessing the power of AI, Unilever crafted a sodium-free sensation that's just as tasty as the original—no salt shaker required! 🧂 ...( read more on our student newsletter)
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4. Crime and Perception: Are People Reacting to the Wrong Alarm?
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Lawmakers have two main jobs: reducing crime and making people feel safe. But sometimes there's a big gap between what's happening with crime and how people feel about it.
For example, a Gallup poll showed that more Americans than ever—63 percent in 2023—think crime is a big problem, even though crime rates have actually been dropping. It's like thinking the house is on fire when it's just the toaster burning your toast.🍞 This gap between reality and what people think is a big deal. It affects what laws get made. Lawmakers don’t always look at what’s really happening; they also look at what people believe is happening.
So, when people feel scared about crime—maybe because of news reports about a rise in crime that isn't really there—lawmakers often feel pressured to act. This has led to some places passing tough laws that bring back the harsh punishments of the 1980s and '90s. They're trying to fix a problem that's already getting better... (read more on our student newsletter)
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I'm allergic! Also I didn't know u couldn't be in the room with it when it's curing. I had some orders n had 5 or 6 things curing n fell asleep in the room with it. I had already burned my face badly n broke out on the backs of my hand n arms but I was wearing gloves so idt it was the epoxy. I woke up two days later with epoxy inside my skin. I was completely covered in it n I had proper ppe. I didn't wear a ventilation mask. I thought u only had to have it in well ventilated area when mixing n I took it outside to mix it. Long story short. Id recommend to anyone not to handle any type of resin if they are allergic. I tried uv resin and it made it come back. When it come back it does it with a vengeance worse every time. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on anyone. I've been sick since January n it makes me not be able to breathe. I couldn't walk talk or breathe after taking a shower n washing my hair. I paralyzed me for about an hour n caused me to hurt all down my left side. Drs can't or won't help me. I guess it was build up in me n poisoned me long term exposure. I had places on my stomach I couldn't get off n I take steroid pack n soon as I got done it would come back just like I poured it over my whole body. U could even see pour marks. Its been a living nightmare. I caught pneumonia. My neck swells n I end up in the hospital.my whole body is swells but when my necks swells I can't breathe. Taking a shower makes my neck swelling go down. Its done some crazy things to me. I put peroxide on my chin n it made it swells out the size of a pool ball n turned red as a coke can instantly. Set me on fire. Idk the drs believed me. I called poison control they didn't believe me.. I've been to my family dr she said come back in August. Ive thought i was dying a few times. Only thing I found to get it out of my skin is fast orange n shop towels. I t had to take 4n 5 hours shower just scrubbing my body. I have ut in my teeth. I can taste it all the time but when I shower it's worse. I've had my skin turn different colors. My lips black n eyelids purple. I'm still talking funny n that last time I used resin was middle if March. People please do research n find out all about it before u use it. I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I've been through. I love epoxy art n im currently looking fir a good alternative. It broke my heart to have to stop using it. I started using it in October n I didn't have any problems until I got some off ebay. I was just getting my business started. If anyone knows a good kud friendly preferably lol please let me know. If anyone has went through this crazy stuff n have any advice please let me know. I'm slowly getting better but I'm just guessing my way through this. Thanks advance n I hope this also helps someone else. Its terrifying.

My boyfriend (M35) and I (F30) have been together for 5 years. He has a daugther who is 8 years old and she is like my own - I love her very much and she loves me, we have a great friendship. When my boyfriend and I started dating, the mother of his child wasn't very happy about this and tried everything to break us up. My boyfriend at that time was overattached to this woman and did everything she said (he still does sometimes, but it has become so much better over time). She accused me of hurting the child physically (just because she was afraid of it, nothing like this ever happened), she shouted at me for taking the father away from the child by just being in their lives, she told my boyfriend when and where he can spend time with me and when he has to be with his daugther etc. We managed to keep our relationship and he has developed boundaries with his ex. However, this has caused us a lot of drama, damage and fights over the period of time that we have been together - mostly because of my jealousy, fear, insecurity and a feeling that I am not as important as the mother of his child. However, I have always taken care of my boyfriend and his child - they are the world to me. I pay the full rent of our apartment that we bought together, I also buy clothes and toys for his daughter (when she is with us - approximately 10 days in a month) and food. I have tried to be the best girlfriend even though I have had several setbacks - I am not an angel and I have my bad days and my insecurities. We have travelled a lot together - to Peru, Laos, USA, half of Europe etc. We talk a lot and share our problems and success. He is my best friend.
A few years ago I had a surgery on my stomach and didn't know that the baby pills do not have effect after this kind of surgery - I got pregnant. He told me that when his daugther was born he had a lot of problems and fights with his ex, because she cancelled the baby pills without telling him and got pregnant. He told me that because of that he he is not ready for another child right now and he wanted me to do an abortion. I was afraid of ending up alone with a child and I wasn't in a good place back then so I did it - the biggest mistake of my life that I deeply regret. This, also, has been a source of tension between us.
I have noticed some changes in our relationship for some time now. A month ago we had an argument over trivial things and he told me out of the blue that he wants to break up. I asked him for some time and to discuss it again when we are both calm. We did it couple of days later and decided to give each other a second chance - he told me that he needed to do some things alone without me (like riding a bike or going out with friends) and I acknowledged that. Everyone needs space. Two days ago I found out from his daughter that my boyfriend took flowers and cake for his ex (the mother of his child) for Mother's Day and I confronted him. The woman has caused so much unnecessary damage in our relationship and it hurt me. He has brought me flowers twice during our relationship and it seemed weird. He got pissed and then told me that he has thought about breaking up for two-three weeks now and wants to do it. It shocked me because I had tried to give him space, but at the same time to help him with his daughter and things at home. During those weeks, he had told me that everything is fine and assured me that I had nothing to worry about. I am devastated.
When I ask him questions he keeps responding me with three different answers every time and it confuses me. At one point he tells me that he is like 80% sure that he wants to break up with me, then again, 5 minutes later he is telling me that he will pack his things tomorrow, then he says that he wants to come and celebrate my father's birthday next day because he likes my family (even though he just said that he wanted to leave me)... I am so confused. We decided to take a break and agreed to talk about our relationship and what is going to happen in 4 days - he still keeps saying that he has made up his mind though. I am losing my mind and I am just in a shock. He is so calm and he seems like he does not care at all that he is going to lose me - I told him that I am not able to be friends with him right away because I still love him as my man. I don't know what to do. I am just so sad and feel like there is a big hole in my heart.
Thank you for reading and I will appreciate all your answers. I have never posted on any sites but I felt that I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you.

this might be a lot and not the place for this but someone bear with me (22m) please ;_; was talking to my family about my experiences with magic mushrooms, and my grandfather (mom’s side) said something like “be careful, my brother had a schizophrenic episode after taking lsd- we found him rambling about the molecule and he had poorly drawn out a picture of the molecule on the ground.” but i don’t think there’s ever been a conversation about him having schizophrenia? anyway then he went on to ramble about the “this is your brain on drugs”/scrambled eggs commercials that would come on tv a long time ago. and given our family histories which i will elaborate on, i feel like this is a conversation that should have happened much sooner?? or maybe he was just talking out of his ass idk lmao
mental illness seems to run in the family on both sides with alcoholism being pretty prevalent in a lot of both my mom and dad’s relatives. my dad’s brother killed himself with a gun when they were in highschool and my dad found the body. ultimately he became a pretty abusive alcoholic, and he was really prone to mood swings looking back at it. I was put in therapy after my mom divorced him but we never really talked as a family. my older sister inherited his hip deformity that made him unfit for the catholic high school his brothers all went to, and a virus that caused her to have emergency surgery at birth (which left her deaf in both ears, and she stands 4’7” at 25 years old) he picked on her and our older brother a lot, and we all struggle socially. My brother kept to himself a lot until he died at 19 in a freak car accident on a road trip with his friends. Guy with dementia snuck out and got in a car with his dog at like 2am, took an exit ramp onto the highway going the wrong way right as they took the same one, spun out and all then all lights went out, so they got rear ended by a tractor trailer. that model of jeep had a defect where the trailer hitch would break and push in to the gas tank, causing an explosion. happened a couple times prior and was actually almost recalled years before (-: trucking company policy was call your superiors before anyone else, phone records reflected that phone call did in fact happen while those kids were burning to death. i dont blame that poor driver knowing what little i know about trucking and their work conditions, and i got half of a music degree paid for by my share of the settlement. i’ve always felt like that would not have happened if these were not several upper middle class suburban families who were affected by the tragedy, who could afford to pursue legal action for years against an entity like that. I think the community rallied to donate some but even then, it was a fairly affluent community
the last time i saw my dad was at my brothers funeral. i was 14 and it had been a couple years already, but he aged so poorly much i mistook him for his dad who had died a decade prior. i don’t think we spoke until a few years later on the phone, and it was the last time we spoke. he was antagonizing my mom with his usual nonsense that she was making him out to seem like a bad guy to us, and that she was secretly in love with her cousin (who she has always been very close to) — i told him to go fuck himself — that was a reccuring taunt of his our whole childhood, which i always thought was weird but never thought much of it. eventually my brother no longer wanted to visit my mom’s extended family once he had a say in it, and he never really wanted to talk about it either. a few years after my brother died, we were visiting the cousin in question, when i woke up just in time to see them kiss. I went back to sleep like I saw nothing and my sister texted me in the morning telling me she saw the same thing.
Apart from the yknow, incest, she remarried two years before my brother died- so naturally we confronted her about it and she just sort of fawned and said she had too much to drink and that it won’t happen again. they always get too drunk together at family events and I have glimpsed kissy face emojis and other suggestive language on her phone that she obviously was trying to shield with her hands.
Now I’m questioning pretty much everything. I don’t think it was long after that when my dad went missing, which my mom only noticed because he hadn’t sent birthday cards for a whole year, and within a year of that he was found in florida, dead on the street with fentanylin his blood. he was either dosed or killed himself. My family told me he died of natural causes accelerated by his alcoholism when it first happened and didn’t mention the fentanyl until very recently. Im wondering what else could they have they lied about or just have not told me because they don’t think I need to know?
One thing I try not to think too much about is something my mom said just once when I was little, about how when my sister was born the Doctors advised them not to have more kids bc it would be risky, “but I turned out fine” or something. My dad never came to visit our family on my mom’s side that i can remember, and when I was really little we spent a lot more time with her cousin doing a lot of quality time stuff; movies, mini golf, etc. The guy also drank a lot but he’s had better luck kicking the worst of his habits I guess.
JFC what do i make of all of this
….
i also sometimes feel like i’m getting schizo-baited by all of my targeted adds and articles on all of social media and sometimes i feel like im being watched so i don’t go anywhere or talk to my friends much at all. i went to a protest the other day and saw the typical undercover cop in his “hello fellow kids” getup, next day I step out of work to go to a coffee shop and the same dude in the same outfit is sitting next to the door when i go to leave. anyway please advise

For context my husband and I knew each other before we started dating. When we were dating everything was great and he was so sweet and kind. One day while planning our wedding I found a photo of a girl naked on his phone. He explained to me that it was a mistake it was there he thought he had deleted it. I thought it was from his ex and he explain that he did not know why it was there. I decided to believe it was his ex and it was an old photo and we went on with our planning. Our wedding was nice and even our honeymoon Things started to hit rock bottom once we got back. One day I wasn’t going into work late and either was he so he slept in and I was awake. I saw a notification on his phone from the security camera pop up I decided to check it and out of curiosity I checked the rest of his phone ( big mistake). I went onto Instagram and that’s when I saw it… videos of ladies naked dancing and other videos of other ladies showing cleavage and their butts all in his Instagram saved. I could not believe it. I was devastated. I woke him up and after him lying to me multiple times why it was one there he confessed the truth. I could not believe it he had betrayed me to me in my eyes and in my opinion he had cheated. And to make things worse I was pregnant (2 months). After a lot of talking we decided to work things out. Sadly that didn’t last long.
when I was cleaning out his drawer I found and old phone I decided to put it to charge and when it charged I opened it up and to find the girls naked pictures I had found before we got married. They were screenshots from Snapchat. A random girl send him nudes offering to give more for payment. The date on those screenshots…. 3 days after he proposed to me… all I could say is my heart shattered into a million pieces. But then again I stayed because I was pregnant. I couldn’t go to my family with this. They don’t believe in divorce.. now fast forward and I find videos of girls in his watch history of tiktok and I can’t believe it but at the same time I can he has done it before. I love him but I don’t trust him . He says he never saw those videos but I’m not stupid they don’t just show up on there. It’s called a watch history for a reason. I don’t know what to do . I want to believe him but a part of me knows his lying to me. Why can’t I leave him? Why do I still love him even though he has caused me so much pain? I can’t even look back to our engagement and be happy cause all I remember are those pictures of the naked girl burned forever in my memory. We come from a no divorce belief system/ family but I don’t think I can keep doing this I feel so alone and hurt and to be honest embarrassed that this happened to me. I don’t want anyone to know that I failed, that I was betrayed.. I feel like I did something wrong.

The article is intended primarily for Game Masters who play games in systems inspired by Lovecraft’s works, such as Call of Cthulhu or Delta Green. However, I hope that other fans of cosmic horror will also find something for themselves here. The interesting facts presented here may also be interesting for people who do not know the work of The Loner of Providence, but some of the references may be unclear to them. The article contains several anecdotes – either from real history or from beliefs that exist in the real world, and suggestions on how they can be related to the Cthulhu mythology. So read about:

• Sea Peoples, bane of ancient civilizations,
• a forgotten Eldritch abomination from Greek mythology,
• Jan Twardowski, the first man on the Moon,
• mathematicians and physicists who wanted to know the structure of reality and lost their minds,
• one of the most mysterious characters from the Bible and a dark, occult ritual that underlies monotheism.

Invasion of the Sea Peoples
Ancient, super-advanced, fallen civilizations are one of the favorite motifs of fantasy. And truth be told, something similar happened in real history. Of course, in reality, the fallen civilizations did not have sci-fi supertechnology at their disposal, but their collapse still led to great destabilization. We are talking about the invasion of the so-called Sea Peoples, which took place at the turn of the 13th and 12th centuries BC. The Sea Peoples are mobile and warlike groups of people of unknown origin. They caused the collapse of several advanced cultures, including: Mycenaean and Hittite. Only the Egyptians managed to defeat them in a great battle. Well, the material for Lovecraftian inspiration is obvious. A mysterious army, coming out of nowhere, called the „Sea Peoples”, leading to the fall of the most powerful human civilizations at that time? Let us add that, according to some historians, the descendants of the Sea Peoples destroyed by the Egyptians were the Philistines. Yes, the same Philistines, one of whose main deities was the well-known Dagon to Lovecraftomaniacs… Deep Ones say hello. Let us also add that, according to Egyptian records, the tribes of the Sea Peoples had names such as Ekvesh, Teresh, Lucki, Sherden, Shekelesh, Tekel and Peleset. Sounds suitably dark, blasphemous and filthy? If we want to dig deeper, one of the pharaohs who ruled Egypt was Akhenaten – yes, that heretic who tried to replace the worship of traditional Egyptian gods with the religion of the Aten and who is very much liked by conspiracy theorists. Let’s add to the mix that Middle Eastern cultures had quite a negative attitude towards the sea as such. Babylonian Marduk had to defeat the giant monsters of Chaos – Apsu and Tiamat, personifications of fresh and salt waters, respectively. The Bible also contains traces of the myth about the fight between Yahweh and Leviathan, and the Book of Revelation, describing the new, ideal world, emphasizes that „I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.” Let’s assume that the players are researchers of an antiquity – historians, archaeologists, etc. They conduct research on the Sea Peoples. Of course, as common sense dictates, they assume that these were human warriors. However, as time goes on, more and more evidence appears that they were not completely human again, and the evidence of their monstrosity becomes increasingly difficult to put down to the demonization that Egyptian chroniclers used against their enemies… It becomes clear that an onslaught of inhuman and semi-human monsters came from the sea. , trying to conquer the world of that time. Moreover, after their defeat at the hands of the Egyptians, this species did not become extinct, but instead of open conquest it switched to cautious infiltration. Perhaps the Deep Ones have spies in academia who are tasked with eliminating historians who find the trail of truth…
Oh, one more interesting fact connecting the history of the Sea Peoples with Lovecraft. Well, as we know, HPL liked to use the term „Cyclopean” for huge, monumental buildings. At least he didn’t come up with it himself. Well, when the later (and at first more primitive) inhabitants, the Dorians, saw the ruins of destroyed castles left by the Mycenaean culture, they came to the conclusion that such huge buildings could not have been built by human hands, so they were probably the work of mythical giants – cyclopes.
Typhon – a classic but forgotten abomination
Modern works drawing on Greek mythology usually make Hades (completely senseless) or Kronos (a little more) the Big Bad, but they forget about Zeus’s greatest enemy – Typhon. After defeating the titans and then the gigants, the Olympian gods had to face the main boss on the way to dominating the world – Typhon. Here is an example of its description: It was larger than the largest mountains, its head touched the stars. When he stretched out his hands, one reached the eastern ends of the world and the other reached the western ends. Instead of fingers, he had a hundred dragon heads. From the waist down he had a tangle of vipers (yay, tentacles!) and wings at his shoulders. His eyes were shooting out flames. In other versions of the myth, Typhon was a flying, hundred-headed dragon. In any case – appearance and stature worthy of the Great Old One. Typhon attacked Olympus, and all the gods except Zeus fled in panic. The supreme god took up the fight… and lost it. Only in the second duel did he manage to defeat Typhon, but not kill him – he only imprisoned him, hitting him with Etna. In the sense of a mountain. A volcano – and volcanic activity is the result of Typhon’s anger, trying to break free. Typhon equaled the lord of heaven not only in strength, but in fertility. His wife was Echidna, about whom Hesiod wrote: „She also gave birth to another creature, invincible, huge, unlike neither men nor immortal gods, in a hollow cave – the divine violent Echidna, half a sharp-eyed young girl, with beautiful cheeks, half a huge snake, a great and powerful, spotted, cruel – in the depths of the holy land. This pair spawned many, if not most, of the monsters found in Greek mythology. Their offspring were very diverse and strange, as befits the spawn of enemies of the divine order, including: – Ladon, the hundred-headed dragon who never slept and guarded the apples that gave immortality, – Cerberus – we all know the dog guarding the gates of hell… but not all of us know that, according to some accounts, it had not three heads, but as many as 50, it was also covered with scales, and it had a snake by its tail… so what does this have to do with a dog? – Scylla – this lady inherited the most from the human, beautiful part of Echidna… at least initially, but eventually, as a result of various perturbations, she turned from a beautiful nymph to her siblings, becoming a six-headed sea beast, so hideous, according to Homer, that even the gods could not stand sight of her – she dwelt in a cave, from where she opened her mouth to devour the crews of ships, – Gorgons – I mean, those ladies with snake hair, not monstrous bulls. Medusa was one of them – the story that Athena turned her priestess into a monster as punishment for being raped by Poseidon is an invention of later poets, – Lernaean Hydra – a multi-headed monster with many reptilian or human heads. In place of each severed head, two others grew, and in addition, the main head was completely immortal – therefore, after chopping off the mortal heads, Heracles had to burn the stumps and bury the immortal, still hissing head underground. Hydra’s breath was poisonous. – various other creatures, such as the Sphinx, the dog Ortus, the Nemean Lion or the Chimera. Each of these descendants has the potential to be portrayed as an Eldritch abomination in its own right. To be precise – according to some accounts, the father of these creatures (and Echidna herself) was Typhon, but a monstrous, ancient (older than Poseidon) sea god, Phorcys. How to use Typhon? Well, Typhon clearly has the potential to be a Great Old One, imprisoned by… Nodens? Some other Elder God? Weak gods of humanity? Maybe his cult is trying to free him from Etna? What if he succeeds? What might distinguish Typhon from many other Great Old Ones? I would recommend focusing on his monster progenitor aspect – if he manages to reunite with Echidna, they will immediately start spawning various blasphemous beasts in series.
Jan Twardowski – the first man on the Moon
Jan (John) Twardowski, the hero of the legend, a Polish nobleman who allegedly sold his soul to the devil and became a sorcerer. Probably a historical figure, according to legend he lived in the 16th century and became famous for summoning the spirit of the deceased queen for King Sigismund Augustus. The ghost allegedly appeared in the mirror. This mirror is still kept in the church in Węgrów. According to legend, when the terms of the pact were fulfilled, devils came to kidnap Twardowski to hell. Interestingly, instead of taking the sorcerer’s soul after death, the most material demons appeared and grabbed Twardowski in order to kidnap him bodily, alive… and instead of heading towards the underground, which in legends is considered the traditional place of residence of demons and damned souls, they began to carry away up with him. At some point, Twardowski started singing religious songs, which caused the demons to escape, leaving him on the Moon, where he is said to have stayed ever since. Could the “demons” actually be extraterrestrials? Maybe mi-go? Maybe Twardowski was their agent and obtained secret knowledge and technology from them that gave him the fame of a sorcerer? As part of his studies, did he acquire knowledge of a system of sounds („religious songs”) that was able to drive away his masters when they decided that his usefulness on Earth had ended and it was time to transport him to a space base where he would be transformed into a brain in jar? Or was transportation to the Moon part of the deal from the beginning? Oh, one more interesting fact – according to legends, Twardowski used to use a rooster as a horse, which he enlarged with his magic. It’s easy to imagine an abomination that, in the eyes of laymen, might have resembled a large rooster… Examples of scenario hooks: – Twardowski’s secret mirror is still in the church in Węgrów. The local priest thinks it is just other „pagan” superstitions, but in fact it is a tool enabling contact with cosmic beings and higher realities. It may prove useful to players if they convince the priest to give it back or simply steal it. – Players are looking for Twardowski’s notes to gain knowledge about the „song” thanks to which he drove away mi-go (or other creatures that became the prototype of the „devils” from the legend). The so-called Twardowski’s „School” or „Cathedral” was located in a quarry near Kraków. In fact, at the end of the 19th century, during the construction of the church of St. Józef, a cave showing traces of alchemical experiments was discovered… And it was destroyed. But perhaps there is a second, secret laboratory under the cave that escaped destruction? And there lie Twardowski’s secrets… And again, potential obstacles may be placed by the local parish priest. But not only him. Maybe Twardowski’s legendary „rooster” lies dormant in the laboratory and was left by the sorcerer as a guard? – players are astronauts on the Moon. However, it turns out that someone lives here, someone who was not detected by previous expeditions and probes. Will Twardowski prove to be an ally in the fight against cosmic horrors? Or maybe their agent, or an independent villain? If he survived this long on the Moon thanks to blasphemous secrets, it’s possible that he had little humanity left…
The rest of the text is avalaible (of course, for free) here: https://adeptusrpg.wordpress.com/2024/05/13/some-lovecraftian-inspiration-form-real-life-and-beliefs/

So I'll start with my experience. I posted this to a few YouTube videos I watched so some of it (not much if any) may be directed at something I watched.
I have PET to the extreme and have had it now for at least 25+ years. I'm 42 and remember being in elementary/middle school when I'd lose all pressure in my left ear to the extent that not only could I hear my own voice, breathing, heart beat, etc. unbearably loud, but also any other slight noise in the room becoming so loud and garbled that I couldn't understand or distinguish the difference between someone talking from the air conditioner fan running. Every noise or voice that is heard when my ear is depressurized sounds like someone removed the lows and mids from the sound, I'd guess from it that anything below 7k hertz is unheard when it happens. If you want to get a rough idea what it sounds like, get a decent set of headphones, adjust your equalizer by turning the volume and your highs/treble/7k Hz or higher all the way up and everything else off or down fully. I've discovered a temporary relief by either breathing in really hard with my nose only which was extremely embarrassing, loud, inconvenient, and disgusting to anyone near me, or, pinching my nose shut with my fingers and sucking in until I got as much pressure as possible back in my ear. It started out manageable, only occurring roughly 9-10 times a day, however, it has gotten exponentially worse to now occurring every time I swallow anything. For me personally I swallow saliva at a rate of 2-4 times a minute so that's 2-4 times every waking minute that my ear depressurizes. Initially, other than the auditory inconveniences and embarrassment of adjusting pressure, I didn't pay much attention to it or think that it was abnormal because everyone experiences ear pressure changes at some point. Within the past 5 or so years I have begun to experience an unexplainable pain in my ear canal about 1 out of 20 times it happens. I also am experiencing an extremely loud whistling noise about half of the time it happens which have started to trigger headaches for me. I've seen 3 different doctors so far but was told that I either have a sinus infection or it is just normal pressure changes and the only reason it bothers me is because my ears are more sensitive than other people. After a bit of thorough research I've learned that the doctors I seen were either not well trained, didn't want to tackle my problems, or just don't think my condition is enough for concern.
I am very sympathetic to anyone with this condition and I totally understand your pain and frustration. I would greatly appreciate any possible recommendations of relief, even if it's only temporary given the frequency of my issues onset. The only relief I've found that works 75%+ for me is to completely seal my ear canal from all air, has to be 100% air sealed, before and during swallowing keeps at least half of the existing pressure in my ear instead of fully opening. I honestly have had thoughts of bashing my head off my wall or desk to try to knock myself out just to have a break from the constant loudness, pain, and embarrassment this causes me! I would never intentionally injure myself of course but these symptoms have gotten so bad that I've had the thoughts of it for sure.

Bit of context: dated a girl for ~2 months, then she changed her mind but wanted to stay friends. I said ok but I needed some time
Fast forward ~1 month later I reply to a story she posted, we trade some small replies but nothing relevant. Then, ~2 weeks later, I text her asking if she would like to grab a drink, to which she agrees. I ask her which day would be best for her and five days later she still didn’t reply. Now, stuff like that also happened while we were dating and it made me feel bad at that time, but now my expectations weren’t high so I was kinda “ok” with that. Point is that after these five days I found out that in the meantime she also hid her Instagram stories from my account. I felt kinda cheated at that point, so I sent her a bitter text in which I basically told her that I noticed she hid her stories, that it made me feel bad, that I already chased her more than I should have when we were dating and that I didn’t know what was the point in saying that we could be friends if that’s how she reacts when I try to reach out. The text was on a kinda aggressive tone (didn’t offend her, never would, but it was pretty clear I was getting stuff off my chest).
She answered to that by saying that she acts this way with everyone, that I was overreacting like I always do and that she does not owe me any explanation. I just told her that she’s free to do whatever she likes but actions have consequences (which in this case was making me feel bad). I also acknowledged that I tend to overreact at times because of anxiexy, but my reactions are as much an issue as what causes them.
Next day i felt the need to say sorry for being too aggressive in the first text. I don’t know if she will ever reply to that, but I’ll accept the consequences.

First time reader of Wolfe and I'm having an amazing time working my way through shadow and claw. I had to read this chapter a couple times to try and grasp it; it's extremely dense. I'm still finishing Claw of the Concilliator so my thoughts may change. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
The Tale of the Student and His Son Analysis
“Once, upon the margin of the unpastured sea, there stood a city of pale towers.”

• The unpastured sea evokes Hamlet “the undiscovered country” death and the unconscious. Pale refers obviously to a light color but also feebleness. However, a tower symbolizes wisdom and stability and the balance of forces (light and dark, fire and water, order and chaos). Wolfe is already painting this city in contradiction.

“In it dwelt the wise. Now that city had both law and curse.”

• Another symbol of duality: loss and gain. The wise give the law but simultaneously curse the city.

“The law was this: That for all who dwelt there, life held but two paths: they might rise among the wise and walk clad with hoods of myriad colors, or they must leave the city and go into the friendless world.”

• Here’s another contradiction: the wise wear myriad colors symbolizing their acceptance of all, but their law is built on exclusion, a brotherhood without.

“Now one there was who had studied long all the magic known in the city, which was most of the magic known in the world”

• The magicians study pan (all). They are comparative mythologists, occultists, Jungians, etc. (This, ironically, is Wolfe). Pan in Greek mythology is a cloven foot and horned god that plays the “pan flute”, and is associated with nature and sex. He is often accompanied by nymphs.

“And he grew near the time at which he must choose a path. In high summer, when flowers with yellow and careless heads thrust even from the dark walls overlooking the sea.”

• High summer is a reference to the “dog days” of summer. In ancient Greece, this was the hottest and most uncomfortable part of summer. It’s called the “dog days” because it coincides with the heliacal rising of Sirius in the constellation Canis Major. Furthermore, the Greeks believed the luminous Sirius (from seiros: scorching) caused the extra hot days. I mention this because it relates to the alzabo which in the Lexicon Urthus is from the archaic Arabic “al-dhi’b” which refers to a wolf, a jackal, or a star in Canis Major.

“How may I - even I who know nothing - have a place among the wise of the city? For I wish to study spells that are not sacred all my days, and not go into the friendless world to dig and carry for bread”

• Another paradoxical and ironic statement: he’s been studying all his life, but knows nothing. A Socratic kind of wisdom but also represents spiraling madness. Critically, he wants to study non-sacred spells; he turns away from the divine.

“ Do you recall how, when you were hardly more than a boy, I taught you the art by which we flesh sons from dream stuff? How skillful you were in these days, surpassing all the others! Go now, and flesh such a son, and I will show it to the hooded ones, and you will be as we.”

• Groomer! And if Wolfe is trying to evoke ancient Greece with this story, it’s well-founded that older Athenian men would often indulge their passion for youth. This would explain the use of the carnal word “flesh” to describe the creative process. Sex magic is a common occult practice and is certainly non-sacred. The passing of seasons represents the cyclical nature of trauma and abuse.
• Wolfe uses very unsettling language: “And the old man who had taught him thought of the beauty of the trees that had for so many years delighted his eyes like the white limbs of women.”

“Winter came stalking into the land from his frozen capital, where the sun rolls along the edge of the world like a trumpery gilded ball and the fires that flow between the stars and Urth kindle the sky. His touch turned the waves to steel, and the city of the magicians welcomed him, hanging banners of ice from its balconies and heaping its roofs with glaces of snow.”

• Perhaps a reference to Saturnalia but does not follow the ancient Greece theme. Saturnalia occurred near the winter solstice because the sun enters Capricorn, the astrological house of Saturn, at that time. Capricorn fits in with the Pan imagery as it too is a goat-like being.
• Saturn represents the cyclical course of time and season (Greek equivalent Chronos). Saturn would regularly devour his own children; this fits into the aforementioned cycle of trauma.
• Saturn is often represented with a sickle: a symbol of mankind’s partial control over the natural world.

“In spring, the most beautiful maidens of the city, the daughters of the magicians, were clothed in green; and while the soft winds of spring teased their golden hair, they walked unshod through the portal of the city, and down the narrow path that led to the quay, and boarded the black-sailed ship that waited them. And because of their golden hair, and their gowns of green faille, and because it seemed to the magicians that they were reaped like grain, they were called Corn Maidens.”

• Here the sickle imagery is introduced directly. The Corn Maidens are human sacrifices, but are compared to grain and corn; sent into the “unpastured sea.”

“Looking from his window saw the maidens filing by, he set aside all his books and began to draw such figures as no man had ever seen, and to write in many languages, as his master had taught him aforetime.”

• Is this not what Wolfe does in his writing? He constantly appropriates ancient words from forgotten languages to do his “magic.”

“ At first it seemed to him that all the skill his master had taught him of old had deserted him, for from the first light to the moonlight he was alone in his chambers save for the moth that fluttered sometimes to show the insignia of Death at his undaunted candle flame.

• More meta stuff: writer's block
• A moth showing the insignia of death is an interesting comparison. This moth could be interpreted as the final stage of metamorphosis before death. It could also refer to the Bombyx Mori, the silk moth. Mori in this sense means mulberry, but mori can also mean death (as in memento mori). The silkworm has a similar symbology to the scythe in that it represents man’s control of nature. This is the domesticated version of the silkworm that relies completely on humans for its survival and is genetically modified to promote silk production. This reflects the city’s practice of human farming and sacrifice.

“Then there crept into his dreams another; and he, knowing who that other was, welcomed him, though the dreams were fleeting and soon forgotten.”

• The Irony here is that although he works tirelessly practicing his magic, he only summons the being when he is not working, asleep and unconscious. He welcomes this being into his mind. “He heard the step, always in another room” He’s unable to pinpoint this being’s being; he can only pinpoint its secondary effects. As he continues his magic, the aftereffects become increasingly pronounced until finally the illusory becomes real. Milton describes hell as “darkness visible.” I think Wolfe is going for a similar effect here.

“Then the student dared turn himself where he sat, and he saw standing before him a youth haughty of port, wide of shoulder, and mighty of thew. Command was in his firm mouth, knowing wit in his bright eyes, and courage in all his face. Upon his brow sat that crown that is invisible to every eye, but can be seen even by the blind; the crown beyond price that draws brave men to a paladin, and makes weak men brave.

• The student’s creation terrifies him, but he doesn’t want to show his fear.
• “Haughty of port” meaning prideful with an air of superiority. Going back to Milton: “round he (Satan) throws his baleful eyes, that witnessed huge affliction and dismay, mixed with obdurate pride and steadfast hate.” Classic Luciferian pride.
• Contrary to popular depictions of Satan, he is one of God’s highest creations: “Whoever he is, the “Devil” is among the very first and best creatures of God. He is, so to speak, perfect enough, wise enough, powerful enough, one can almost say divine enough, to know God and not to surrender to him - to know him and yet opt against him, to desire freedom from him. But since this freedom is impossible in the love and light which always lead to God and to a free surrender to him, it must of necessity be fulfilled in negation, hatred, and rebellion.” (Alexander Schmemann). Satan is God’s highest creation but he is the most base, he is wise yet chooses irrationality, in Wolfe’s description he wears the invisible crown that all see. Satan is an ironic, paradoxical, and tragic figure.
• Milton also describes Satan as a commander

“Often I have seen, like a green serpent called by the notes of a pipe, a column of green slip down the cliff below our city to the quay.”

• Again Wolfe uses Miltonian imagery: “Thus they Breathing united force with fixed thought moved on in silence to soft pipes that charmed Their painful steps O’er the burnt soil.” Both descriptions suggest a snake charmer playing his pipes.
• This connects Satan and Pan: pan pipes as well as ostensible concern for his nymphs

“At this the young man’s eye flashed, and he demanded: ‘Who is this ogre, and what form has he, and where does he dwell?’”

• The ogre is the beast and the minotaur that lives in the west. The West is another symbol of death and the unconscious.

“His name no man knows, for no man can approach near enough…His harbor is an isle to the west, where a channel with many a twist and bend, dividing and redividing, reaches far inland. It is on the isle, so my lore teaches me, that the Corn Maidens are made to dwell; and there he rides at anchor in the midst of them, turning his eye ever to left and right to watch them in their despair.”

• Does no man know its name because no one has discovered it or because it doesn’t exist? Or are both the same?
• Eye of Sauron reference. Masonic all-seeing eye which masons say represents the omnipresence and omniscience of God, but, in reality, represents an all-powerful control system that constrains mankind. When Severian first goes against his guild he says of his fellow torturers: “ I saw them as powerful, the active principle of an inimical and nearly perfect machine.” Severian first realizes that Nessus is a vast control mechanism; the torturers are a gear in the infernal machine.
  
• The beast lies in the labyrinth. The twisting and bending channels describe a labyrinthine structure without directly calling it a labyrinth. When Domnina first observes Father Inire’s mirrors: “She ran to the curtains hoping to find another door behind them, but as soon as she pulled one aside, one of the eight walls painted with labyrinths opened and Father Inire stepped out. Behind him she saw what she called a bottomless hole filled with light.” Wolfe is trying to show that the beast, the control mechanism, is tied to these mirrors.
  
• The young man fleshed from dreams relates to the fish fleshed from reflected light in Father Inire’s mirrors. They are both paradoxical creations; how can one create reality from the virtual (dream stuff and mere reflections)? The fish is clearly a reference to Christ and the ichthys; Domnina even references Pascha. But this Christ is a virtual Christ, an antichrist. In Revelation, the Antichrist is depicted as the ape of Christ, but ultimately the Antichrist is a mere illusionist: “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie” (Thessalonians 2:11).
  

“For I am Noctua, the daughter of Night, and the daughter too of him whom you have come to slay…For though he did not know why, being of the stuff of dreams he was drawn to her; and she, who eyes held starlight, to him…At this the princess took pity on him, for all who have the stuff of dreams about them seem fair in some degree at least to the daughters of the night, and he fairest of all.

• Noctua means owl from Latin nox meaning night (and she is quite literally from her mother Nox). Nox is an important aspect of Thelema or the occult practices of Aleister Crowley. Nox is the formula of the night of pan, the “crossing of the abyss” and the union with “our lady of abominations” Babalon (from Revelations the whore of Babylon). In Nox, the adept experiences unification with the All through ecstatic destruction of the ego-self, dissolving duality into one or, in other words, nonsense. Ego death is a core element of mind control (MK Ultra and Project Monarch** remember the silkworm symbol).
• It’s clear from this passage and later passages that many others have been sent on this mission in the past. However, Noctua feels a particular affection for this commander.

“At length Night came, and they saw her striding from islet to islet with her bats about her shoulders and her dire wolves dogging her steps. No more than an easy carronade shot from their anchorage she seemed, yet they all observed that she passed not before Hesperus or even Sirius; but they before her. For a moment only she turned her face toward them, and none could be certain what her look conveyed. But all of them wondered if indeed the ogre had taken her without her will as her daughter had said; and if so, if she had not lost the resentment she might be imagined to have felt.”

• Hesperus represents Venus the morning star in Latin Lucifer or light bringer. As Russell puts it, the evening star is the morning star; it represents the drama of a hero striving for the highest seat of heaven but being cast out of heaven (matches the movement of Venus in the sky). Another connection to Sirius.
• Another suggestion that perhaps this quest is not as it seems.

“In ancient times, so it is said, a tattered child, the daughter of a fisherman, found on the sand a stoppered flask, and by breaking the seal and drawing forth the cork became queen from ice to ice. Just so it seemed, an elemental being, strong with the strength of the forging of creation, debouched from the tall smokestacks of their ship, tumbling over himself in dark joy and growing with a rush, as the wind comes.”

• This could be a Pandora’s box reference, critically Pandora. Another dualistic notion, that what saves the day also causes doom. Or perhaps Odysseus’ bag of winds; the aid turns into the curse. Fits into the overall narrative of the story that Severian is both a torturer and a hero. He is “severed” and “severs” into two. Dorcas: “All of you are torturers, one way or another.”

“Then he strode to the rail and looked down; but with such an expression that no one, not even the most brave, dared to look at him. When he lifted his eyes at last, his face was set and grim and with no word to any man he took himself to his cabin and barred the door.”

• Obviously despondent. Either about the evil he released into the world or that his great battle was with a phantasm or that the whole quest was a lie.

“But on the morning of the third day, the young man fleshed from dreams came out of his cabin and began to walk up and down the deck as he was wont to do”

• Allusion to the resurrection of Jesus on the third day. His cabin serves as his “tomb.”

“At this he looked up into the very vault of the firmament. And some thought he prayed, and some that he sought to restrain the anger he felt against them, and some only that he hoped to gain inspiration there. But so long did he stare that they waxed afraid, even as they had when he had peered into the water, and one or two began to creep away. Then he said to them: “Behold! Do you not see the sea birds? From every corner of the sky they stream. Follow them.”

• He’s come back from the dead but is filled with anger.

“None of them ever forgot that night”

• Nothing like an orgy after a long day of work.

“Certain of the Corn Maidens wed those princes who, having spent years so long enchanted that they are loath to leave that life (and have in that time learned much of gramary), build palaces on lily pads and are seldom seen by men.”

• They go out to become demonic forces in the world. Lily pads are a call back to Chapter 2 of shadow: “When I think of my own death, or of the death of someone who has been kind to me, or even of the death of the sun, the image that comes to my mind is that of the nenuphar, with its glossy, pale leaves and azure flower.” The nenuphar exists above and below the water; they exist in two worlds just as their journey took them from the east to the west.

“And when he beheld their dark sails, smutted by the burning tar that had blinded their enemy, he believed them blackened in mourning for the young man, and he threw himself down, and so perished. For no man lives long when his dreams are dead.”

• Absurd ending to the story. You can't help but laugh at the ending. Jonas even suggests that the end of the story has been edited.
• IMO, he kills himself because the “hero’s” journey was never meant to be a success. The hooded ones need the ogre to have the utopia.

A little background first, keeping it short.
I have only recently discovered on a conscious level that I am transgender mtf. In retrospect so many things about identity and imposter syndrome issues have all became so very clear. I just turned 42 this past month and how strange to me it is that i went my entire life so far in the dark about what was missing.
Here is a song I had written a few years ago....just randomly....never had written a song down before. This one was clear that I needed to write.
I knew then I suppose.....deep down....but not consciously. Holy-moly I should have known so much earlier! So I am not interested on feedback about the song itself, whether it is a good song or whatever......but what do you guys think as far as.....was my brain telling me something?
When I woke up today no everything's all alright
like something or somebody that was swept aside
I know I ain't the same one that I had never been
but that ain't what this feels like its not that same song again
Cause my name feels like its changing
When you say it now it feels like its not even mine
When I say it to myself I can't stand how small it sounds
So I wish I had one to fit what I've become
Because dreaming is the only thing that's real to me now
That's the only place that's not me
The only place of peace that it feels like i have been
Because the day don't mean a thing
Cause my name feels like its changing
When you say it now it feels like its not even mine
When I say it to myself I can't stand how small it sounds
So I wish I had one to fit what i've become
Will morning come shine and set me free
From the darkness of the ghosts that watch me
This pain down inside that burns all I love
Come cut me out, remove the knives i'm full of
I need the days to be part of me so the places that I am can be whole
I can't keep living the days just to make it down to sleep
I have to be released only then i'll have someone to be
Cause my name feels like its changing
When you say it now it feels like its not even mine
When I say it to myself I can't stand how small it sounds
So I wish i had one to fit what I've become
Thank You.