So we went and looked at a home Monday morning and on a scale of 1-10 it's like a 8.5-9. It checks almost every box for us. So the Wife and I left, and said let us mull it over because it's at the top end of our price range. This morning we asked her for whatever information she had on the house..

1. House was built in 2003 (huge plus for us since it is a newer build)
   
2. Added a island into the kitchen along with 1 bathroom redone.
   
3. Roof replaced in 2019.
   
4. Asking price is $520,000, comparable comps fall into the range of $450 - $475k (comps seem to be slightly older than the house we are looking at.
   
5. Issues with the house - AC unit will need replacing soon, as unit is 15 years old (Mind you this is Florida) Vinyl fence needs replaced in several areas as is it falling apart, only half the sprinkler system in the yard works, several random concrete slabs in the back yard will need removed (concrete is already cracked, some areas have grass and weeds growing through it. Very random why there are slabs in the backyard. our thoughts is maybe they had a boat parked there, or sometime of shed, unsure.
   

Kitchen has a new island installed, along with only cabinets on one side of the wall replaced (other side appear to be original and do not match), with what looks like mostly newish appliances (would guess 3-4 years old). Master bath is outdated and appears to need a facelift.

1. The real kicker... Owner owes $35,000 ($265 a month at 5% interest) on a 4 year old solar panel system.

So we were speaking with our realtor and told him that we want to offer the following
$500,000, and the owner pays for the solar panels. We also asked that our offer is contingent obviously based off of inspection but we would also like a copy of the HOA bylaw's / rules + financials.
Our agent asked us to reconsider our offer and sleep on it tonight prior to our scheduled phone call tomorrow. He didn't flat out say it, but is telling us really think about the asking of the buyer to pay for the solar panels as he doesn't think that the seller will go for it, and that in his experience, the cost is passed onto the buyers. He was also questioning why we would want to ask for the HOA financials as he has never had a client ask for them previously and doesn't see that as something we should be worried about..
But in our minds with the seller expecting us to pay off the solar panels THEY bought, they are valuing their home at 555k which is $75,000 more than the high end of the comps..

Hello Airbnb Host Community,
I'm a software developer currently researching ways to streamline the vacation rental experience for both hosts and guests. I have a few questions I'd appreciate your insights on:

1. What are some of the repetitive or mundane communication tasks you face each time you have a new guest staying at your property? For example, providing check-in instructions, explaining house rules, answering common FAQs, etc.
2. Approximately how much time would you estimate you spend responding to guest inquiries and communications during a typical stay? Is this a significant time commitment for you?
3. If there was a solution that could automate many of these routine guest communications through an AI-powered chatbot or virtual assistant, do you think that would provide a significant time-saving benefit for you as a host?

Your experiences and perspectives would be incredibly valuable as I explore developing potential solutions in this space. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.
Thank you in advance!

I've commented a few times in a few posts about my family's experience going through the F-1 to H-1B to GC route to migrate to the US and I've received a lot of questions over the DM, many of which I thought were pretty basic. I thought it might be helpful to put this primer together so folks know the right questions to ask and approach their planning more strategically.
This post is going to be very candid. I've noticed that the questions I've received come from misconceptions about higher education, F-1 visa, and what comes after graduation. I want to give folks the right information, but also temper expectations and give a realistic portrait of what it means and takes to use the student pathway to legally and permanently reside in the US. It is not a stroll in the park, and I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.

BACKGROUND

Two of my siblings plus myself are all here in the US via the student visa route. I received my green card in 2021 after being in the US for nearly 4 years. After receiving my Masters at a prestigious university, I was hired immediately by an organization willing to sponsor my H-1B, which they did so after two years of employment under STEM-OPT work authorization. My employer started putting together my I-140 (Immigrant Petition for Alien Worker, which is the start of the process for an employment-based green card) shortly after receiving approval of my H-1B. As the paperwork was being put together, my partner and I decided to get married and I switched from employment-based green card to marriage-based green card. The employment-based green card would have added around a 3 year wait if we went through with it, while my marriage-based green card was approved in less than a year.
Both my siblings are currently in the same pathway. One received their Bachelors last year, was hired before graduation and has recently received approval for her H-1B. Their employer has committed to sponsoring their employment-based green card next year. My other sibling received their MFA last year and is now in the process of getting their O-1, which is a different kind of work visa. Like me, they both came to the US with a student visa. We were all very strategic about the programs we chose and how we approached networking within our industries.
We also prepared for years. I knew I wanted to get my Masters and permanently reside in the US even before I finished college in Manila. My siblings also knew that early on. So as a family we planned for years, including preparing financially because we knew that we had a very slim chance of getting free rides for our planned degrees. Our early planning also helped with our professional decision-making, because we became very strategic about what kinds of jobs we took after graduation in Manila (except our youngest sibling, who did her Bachelors in the US, so her planning revolved around her academic career in high school). I would say from start (initial planning) to finish (with the last sibling also now on the way to permanent residency), it took about a decade.

GETTING STARTED

Is the student pathway the right pathway for you?
The first question you should ask yourself: can you afford the student pathway to permanent residency in the US? Higher education in the US is not cheap. Universities very rarely offer full scholarships to Masters programs, and those that do are incredibly competitive. So you cannot depend on scholarships to help you pay for your degree--doing so will likely end in disappointment.
(PhDs are usually free and includes a living stipend, but the application process for PhDs are on a whole other level. I will not cover it here but I can answer any questions related to applying for PhDs.)
Most Masters programs in the US are two-year programs, and the average cost of a Masters degree is around $60,000 per year (source). That's $120,000--almost Php7,000,000--in two years. That is a lot of money. That does not include your cost of living, which depending on the location can vary. I personally spent around $1000 on living expenses every month (housing was through the school, so the cost of that was included in my tuition statement)--and that is living frugally in a very high cost of living city. That's an additional $12,000 per year. Of course, you can lower than number by living with family if that option is available to you.
So on average, you would need around Php4,200,000 per year for your Masters degree. Again, a lot of money. It goes without saying that the student pathway is a very expensive pathway to permanent residency in the US. Can it also be a quicker pathway than, say, being sponsored by a sibling? It can be, but that depends on how long it will take for you to save up for tuition.
What if you can make those numbers work? What else should you know?
I need to put this upfront: the F-1 student visa is a non-immigrant visa. Meaning that it is a visa meant for people who will enter the US on a temporary basis. This is why the student visa has no direct pathway or benefit to permanent residency in the US. You need to change status inside the US to one with immigrant intent or double intent to be able to be on that pathway or receive that benefit. That's where visas like the H-1B visa comes in.
You also cannot work outside of your school on an F-1 visa. During the school year, you are allowed to work part-time on campus, and during the summer you are allowed to work full-time on campus. Work outside of the school is only allowed if it's part of your curriculum (i.e. your program has a class for "onsite internship") and you are allowed to be paid while that opportunity is going on. You can do this part-time, but most legitimate universities will have limited opportunities for this (i.e. under your program you're only allowed to take credit for onsite internships one or two semesters). However, your eligibility to work full-time after getting your degree will be affected if you do this full-time for one year. If you want to jump from F-1 to H-1B, this is not something you want to do.
Your ability to bring dependents to the US on a student visa is also limited. You can only bring your spouse and unmarried children under 21. Dependents of F-1 visa holders are not allowed to work in the US (although children under 21 can go to school full-time). This means your spouse cannot work while in the United States, and that includes working remotely for a company in the Philippines.

APPLYING TO PROGRAMS

The student visa still seems like my best option. What's next?
The next step starts with you. I've received a good number of DMs asking me "Is Master of ABC the right course for me?" or "Will a Master of DEF get me a green card?" These are not the right questions to ask because they're not going to get you any good answers. Yes, we know the ultimate goal for taking your Masters in the US to get permanent residency. But the true purpose of getting a Masters in the US is to make you highly marketable and competitive to US employers that will be willing to sponsor your work visa and petition you for your permanent residency.
So you need to view this degree as a way to level yourself up professionally. I absolutely do not suggest getting a Masters degree in something "you already know"--the objective is not to coast while spending Php4,200,000 a year--but to be so much better at what you're already doing. Here's an example.

Maria Clara graduated from Accounting at a good university in Manila and now has around 2 years of experience as a CPA at the finance and accounting department at a multinational corporation based in Makati. She wants to get her permanent residency to the US via the student pathway and has done a significant amount of research on possible Masters programs and career paths in accounting in the US. She started reading into forensic accounting and realized how interested she is in various aspects of this career path. After looking through universities and programs, she has put SUNY Albany's MS in Forensic Science at the top of her list for a variety of reasons. One, it meets the education requirements for certified public accountant licensure in the state of New York. Two, even without a scholarship of financial aid, the costs for international students is not exorbitant at $23,000/Php1,320,000 for the year-long program--with some frugal living and help from relatives in the US, she can save that amount in 3-4 years. Three, New York is the center of global commerce--all the biggest companies and their accounting firms are either headquartered or have large offices in New York City, so she has a wide swath of employment options. Now she just has to get her ducks in a row and make sure her Bachelors meets the requirements for application, as well as put together a shortlist of other programs she should apply and create a timeline for herself and the milestones that need to be hit to make this dream a reality.

Bottomline is, your starting point in this entire process is reflection and research. You need to reflect on your own professional experience and skills, as well as your interests. You need to figure out which pathway will give you that professional and technical boost and do your research on available programs at reputable universities, what the job market looks like for your target profession, which companies are known to hire in this space.
Of course, you should also take into consideration your limitations. For example, you can only go to school in San Diego because you can stay with relatives while you're studying. That means your research is location-limited to however far you think you can commute.
When this is properly done, it should lead you to a place where you have a shortlist of programs to apply to. Each program will have their own application and testing requirements, as well as their own deadlines, so make sure to keep track of that.
PRO TIP: while grades during college are an important part of your application, many graduate programs put a lot of weight on your personal statement and professional recommendation letters. This is why the first step on reflection is critical--it gives you a good direction from which to build your story, which you will need to convince admissions committees to accept you into their programs.

ACCEPTANCE

I got into one of my top programs and I have my finances in order! What happens now?
Now it's time to apply for your F-1 visa. Your university will provide you with the documentation you need from them (this is mainly the I-20 and your acceptance letter), but the bulk of the documentation you need to present to the visa officer will mostly come from you. Namely, because the F-1 is a non-immigrant visa, you need to show strong ties to the Philippines. This can take a variety of forms, and oftentimes your mileage may vary especially depending on the school you will be attending (i.e. there will be less scrutiny if you're going to Harvard as compared to a university that's not that known).
If you did not receive a scholarship with your acceptance, you also need to show that you are able to afford the first year of matriculation. So bank statements containing the total amount of tuition, as well as room and board, will be important (usually the I-20 that the university will issue you will include this amount).
At the interview, be polite and only answer the questions asked. Do not offer up information not asked by the visa officer. I suggest you have a ready answer if the visa officer asks you why this particular school and program, but you should have this answer already if you followed my advice about reflecting and researching before applying to programs :)
Visa is approved and on hand! What do I do while I wait to leave for the US?
Networking starts the moment you receive your passport with your F-1 visa. You absolutely cannot and should not waste a single minute of your active student visa, so this is the time you start telling people that you're going to be studying in the US. You need to work your current network and find peers and mentors who will be willing to connect you with colleagues they know who work in the US or have ties to the US in your professional field. Let's go back to Maria Clara as an example.

Finally, after years of hard work, Maria Clara has her desired acceptance into SUNY's MS in Forensic Accounting program, and her F-1 visa was approved by the embassy without any issues. After celebrating with her family, she lets her boss know about her visa approval, who has been one of her most ardent cheerleaders during this entire process. Her boss has also offered to introduce her to their counterparts in the US once she got her visa approved, which is really important to Maria Clara--she knows she needs to get ahead of networking professionally since her time in the US is limited. She has also reached out to other people she knows in the company that engage frequently with teams in the US. She's messaged her college professors as well, as she knows that a number of alumni from her college have migrated to the US. Her plan is to get connected with as many professionals in her field as possible, connect with them in person once she's in the US, and build a rapport with as many connections as possible so she can be guided accordingly and stand out when the time to apply for jobs comes.

Remember that unlike US citizens (USC) and legal permanent residents (LPR), your time in the US is limited and bound by the rules set by your visa. So you have to be creative and get ahead in some way. You need to be more prepared and more strategic than USCs and LPRs because you simply do not have the time to dilly dally. Yes, enjoy and savor in the moment of seeing the fruits of your labor, but the hard part begins now. You simply do not have time to waste.

DURING THE PROGRAM

I'm in the US now and working harder than ever! Is there anything more I can do to set myself apart from others?
Other than to make sure you have high grades and you're setting aside time to build professional relationships, it's time to think outside the box. Remember that you are limited by the rules of the F-1 visa, so experiences such as an off-campus summer internship is off limits to you. You will need to find ways to strengthen your resumé that doesn't include working off campus, and that could take many forms. One of the most effective recommendations I've received on this is to do an independent research during the summer--you could do it via a professor whose class you really liked, or if you've made inroads with some of the connections you've been building since getting your visa, have a professor oversee a research project you could do with those connections. (This is still academic work, and many programs will give credit for this, so it is not considered off-campus work under the eyes of USCIS.) You can use your research to really elevate your skills and experiences when applying for jobs.
It's also time to seriously start looking at potential employers. You can use the connections you've built to get a sense of what the professional landscape is for your field, learn about peoples' experiences at various companies and organizations, and get a feel for hiring processes. Remember, you don't have a lot of time to apply for jobs once you near the end of your program, so you have to be armed with the right information to guide your job hunting strategy. You will need to put yourself out there and be the best version of your professional self if you want employers to disregard that they will need to spend more money to hire you rather than a USC or LPR who doesn't need sponsorship.

LAST SEMESTER AND GRADUATION

I'm in my last semester of my program! Any tips?
The last semester is usually job hunting season, so make sure that resumé is polished and your network is activated. By now, if you've done the leg work, you will have a shortlist of potential employers and you will have made connections in most, if not all, of them. Time to check-in and ensure that they know you're interested in joining their company and you'd like their support and guidance in doing so. This is one of the harder parts of this journey, and you have to be relentless. Use all the resources at your disposal to ensure your resumé is seen by as many eyes as possible, and that includes speaking to your professors, especially your favorite ones, so they can also lend a hand.
More importantly: submit your work permit application (more commonly known as OPT) as early as possible to avoid delays and getting stuck in the USCIS backlog. You need this permit to be able to work after graduation for a limited time (one year for graduates of non-STEM programs, with an additional two years for graduates of STEM programs) without needing to immediately require H-1B sponsorship.
Getting employed by a company willing to sponsor you is not the end of the line. All for-profit companies are subject to the H-1B lottery, which means you will be competing with other internationals for the limited number of H-1B visas allotted every year. So even with an employer willing to sponsor, the H-1B visa is still not guaranteed. You can work around this by joining what is a called a cap-exempt organization instead, and USCIS classifies those as institutions of higher education, nonprofit entities related to or affiliated with an institution of higher education, nonprofit research organizations, and governmental research organizations. That means more research, and more targeted strategic networking, given that your employer pool now is limited.

EPILOGUE

The student visa is not an easy or cheap pathway to permanent residency in the US. It is getting harder and harder to beat out USCs and LPRs for great jobs in companies that have the experience and resources to sponsor H-1Bs and GCs. You need to do your research every step of the way and prepare to do some really grueling work in order to be the better investment for these companies. Plus, there is the luck element of the H-1B lottery. But it's not impossible. It can and does happen--my family is a great example of it (we're 3 for 3 in this pathway now). Your preparation and willingness to go the extra mile is critical, and you have to be ready to grind for a while. Rest often only comes when the green card is approved.
For those still considering the student visa pathway to migrate to the US after reading this very long post--good luck, and may the force be with you.

My nephew is 2 and half, really sweet, social kid.
His parents are orthodox Jewish and pretty strict about some things. Please do not make judgements about this in the comments, as that is not useful.
I am looking to get him books from the library that will help his speech development and keep him entertained. His parents are (relative to their community) open minded in some ways, but they're super strict about kosher rules and don't want him to have books with non kosher animals in them. I would love for him to have more books with a plot he can relate to so he can more frequently hear words that will be useful to him. Like things around the house/foods, but with an actual plot.
He absolutely is obsessed with vehicles lately.
Looking for ideas for good stimulating books that could work, but have no images of animals (or only kosher animals like chickens, cows, ducks, goats, birds etc) I am aware this is not ideal. Would appreciate some genuine suggestions though!

If this content is something you want to see more of, comments below will be taken into consideration as we prepare to start finding the open submissions for a variety of writing and artwork competitions. If it's of no interest, let us know that too! This is YOUR subreddit!
Seeking Submissions for Poetry Chapbook Prize
Deadline: December 31, 2023
The winner of The Headlight Review’s 2024 Poetry Chapbook Prize Contest will receive publication (a perfectly bound book with a full color or black/white cover), an award of $500, and 25 copies of the book. A list of finalists will be announced sixty days after the close of submissions. All manuscripts will be judged blindly. The finalists who make it through the first round will be judged by esteemed poet Valerie A. Smith.
2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction
Deadline: December 31, 2023
The 2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction will be awarded to an outstanding, unpublished collection of short stories. Reading Fee: $30. Award: $1,000 cash advance, publication, and 53 copies. To Enter: Submit online with Submittable or by mail from September 1–December 31, 2023. Press 53 short fiction editor Claire V. Foxx will serve as the only judge. Winner and finalists announced by May 1, 2024; advance review copies sent to major reviewers and outlets; publication in May 2025.
Complete details at www.Press53.com/award-for-short-fiction.
After Happy Hour Contest (Theme: Animals)
Deadline: February 15, 2024
For this year’s contest, we want submitters to go wild—or domesticated, or sentient, or whatever other form of beastly you’re feeling. Submissions should feature some kind of animal that is integral to the story. Note that this doesn’t need to be a real animal—it could be a cryptid, a hybrid, or a human-to-animal transformation. Each $10 contest entry covers 1 short story, creative nonfiction piece, or suite, or up to 3 individual poems or flash prose pieces. Winners receive publication and a cash prize determined as a percentage of total entry fees (full details are on our website).
The swamp pink Prizes in Fiction, Nonfiction, & Poetry
Deadline: January 31, 2024
Formerly known as the Crazyhorse Prizes, the swamp pink Prizes award $2,000 and publication to a story, essay, and poem. From January 1 to 31, submit a story or essay of up to 25 pages or a set of 1–3 poems via Submittable. Judges for each genre can be viewed on our website. The entry fee is $20; all entries will be considered for publication. swamppink.submittable.com/submit
2024 Bill Hickok Humor Award Deadline: February 28, 2024
I-70 Review announces the Bill Hickok Humor Award for a poem. The winner receives $1,000, and the poem will appear in I-70 Review 2024. Submit one to three poems with a $15 entry fee to i70review@gmail.com. Reading period: Jan 1 to Feb 28. No submissions before January 1. Submissions will be eligible for publication in I-70 Review. The judge is Alice Friman.
For more info visit i70review.fieldinfoserv.com.
The Orison Prizes in Poetry & Fiction
Deadline: April 4, 2024
The 2024 Orison Prizes in Poetry & Fiction offer $1,500 and publication by Orison Books for a full-length manuscript in each genre. Judges: Ellen Bass (poetry), Kaveh Akbar (fiction). Entry fee: $25. Entry period: December 1, 2023–April 1, 2024. For complete guidelines visit orisonbooks.com/submissions.
2024 Colorado Prize for Poetry
$2,500 honorarium and book publication: Submit book-length collection of poems to the 2024 Colorado Prize for Poetry by January 14, 2024 (we will observe a 5-day grace period). $25 reading fee (add $3 to submit online) includes subscription to Colorado Review. Final judge is Brenda Shaughnessy; friends and students (current or former) of the judge are not eligible to compete, nor are Colorado State University employees, students, or alumni. Complete guidelines at coloradoprize.colostate.edu or Colorado Prize for Poetry, Center for Literary Publishing, 9105 Campus Delivery, Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO 80523-9105.
Burnside Review Press Contest
Manuscripts of 50-100 pages of poetry will be accepted until December 31, 2023. Arda Collins will judge. The winning book will be published by Burnside Review Press in 2025. The author will receive a $1,000 prize, plus ten copies of the book. A $25 entry fee must be paid at the time of submission. Contest entrants will receive one Burnside Review Press title. The editors may select an additional manuscript from the submission pool for publication.
Visit www.burnsidereview.org for complete guidelines.
2024 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing
Deadline: January 31, 2024
Submissions are now being accepted for the 11th Saroyan Prize. The awards, co-sponsored by Stanford Libraries and the William Saroyan Foundation, are intended to encourage new or emerging writers and honor the Saroyan legacy of originality, vitality, and stylistic innovation. Two prizes of $5,000 each are given for works of fiction and nonfiction. Writers who have published four books or more are ineligible. Submit five copies of your work published between January 1, 2022, and December 31, 2023, with a $50 entry fee by January 31, 2024. Visit our website for complete eligibility and submission details: saroyanprize.sites.stanford.edu.
Interim Poetics: The Test Site Poetry Prize Deadline: December 15, 2023
Interim will choose two winning books for the series—one title publicized as the winner of The Test Site Poetry Series and the other as the Betsy Joiner Flanagan Award in Poetry. Both winners will receive a $1,000 award and their books will be published by the University of Nevada Press. Submit by December 15, 2023. www.interimpoetics.org/test-site-poetry-series
Driftwood Press In-House Contests + Additional Submission Opportunities
Deadline: January 15, 2024 (In-House Contests)
Driftwood Press is happy to share a plethora of submission opportunities for writers and artists! Our In-House Short Fiction & Poem Contests, in which every work submitted is considered for publication as winner or runner-up, is ending soon! For our yearly print anthology, we are looking for poems, short stories, comics, and visual art that will wow our readers with innovative language and strong craft. We are a paying market, and our published writers also get to take part in bespoke interviews about their work! Driftwood is also on the hunt for amazing book-length titles to grow our catalogue, so if you have a novella, poetry collection, comic collection, or graphic novel manuscript, we would love to read it! Visit us here for our Submittable page, and we encourage you to follow us on social media (@driftwoodpress) to learn about even more submission opportunities!
The Twin Bill’s Second Annual Baseball Lit Contest
Deadline: December 30, 2023
The Twin Bill, a baseball literary journal, is open for submissions for their annual contest for best baseball fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. The winner in each category will receive $100 and an engraved baseball trophy. The runners-up will receive $50 and will be published in our January 31 issue. Each piece will be professionally illustrated. Contest submissions are $10 and will be considered for both the contest and the Opening Day issue. thetwinbill.com/submissions/

I went nc with my sister years ago for a multitude of reasons. One of the reasons being that she had mental health issues and claimed she was getting help but no one (including her then husband) was allowed to know what she was diagnosed with, what the treatment was, etc. No one was allowed to know what her physical medical diagnoses were and what meds they were being treated with. It started with random things like she was on a medication that requires her to take (per her…there is no proof she was willing to show proving what she said) 6 pills at once. She claims she asked her then teenage daughter to give her six of these pills while she was driving. (It was for a fever blister supposedly.) But her daughter gave her the wrong pills and she didn’t notice bc she was driving. I could understand a mix up (we do have SALAD drugs. Sound alike look alike drugs) but that wasn’t the case. Think of the meds being named something completely like shrimp vs chicken. The pills didn’t even look similar or have similar sizes. She ended up in ICU bc she overdosed since apparently her daughter gave her the wrong drug. BUT no one was allowed to ask said daughter bc (per sister) she was devastated and felt guilty. Once the initial shock wore off…my husband and I realized things didn’t add up. Then a few months later she randomly took FMLA from her job and left the state to do a 6 week in house mental health clinic. they wanted her to stay for 12 weeks but she would only agree to 8 weeks. After she came back she would only talk about movies (she tried to equate movies to every situation in life and it was exhausting), religion which was strange bc I never could tell if she would be 110% pro religion or thinking it was all an elaborate scheme, politics where she was in the far far far left (people should have a right to demolish anything if it made them uncomfortable. At one point I told her the sheer size of her house made me uncomfortable so I should have a right to demolish it…totally never would. I don’t think I have that kind of rights. To which she fought back that was her home and I had no right. I just looked at her and said…so people don’t have a right to demolish something bc it makes them uncomfortable or is it only your things that rule applies to), and jobs (at my then 3yo’s birthday she kept bringing the convo back to a client of hers who had been SA and how she had to teach the client what that meant and what intercourse was and what that situation was bad. People kept redirecting the convo but she kept going back to it). At that party I finally reached my breaking point and sent the kids outside to play and yelled. I yelled a lot, kicked her out of the house, and went nc. I did apologize to the other adults for losing my temper. She sent me a long crazy message about how I needed help bc I was mentally unstable.
Recently I read a post on Reddit and it made me curious…I looked her court records up online. I expected maybe another cc that went into the system bc it was 15k plus that she stopped paying on. (Not the first time or even second that would have happened.) Boy was I wrong. She had traffic violations for 15-24 over the speed limit. She had failure to yield tickets. She had a couple tickets for no tags. A warrant out for one of the vehicle tickets. And…a violation for a trashed yard due to excessive rubbish which also had a warrant out on her.
I don’t know if she has custody of her kids at this point. They are all older. One is a legal adult. I know she convinced my parents after all was said and done that I went to court and testified against her. I’m still left confused over that one bc…my parents were at court with her for the divorce. They were in the court room with her. I was never there. I didn’t even know when the court date was. I asked my mom if she remembered seeing me on the stand but she would never answer. Golden child can’t be questioned when holes appear!!! Must defend golden child!!! (We are no contact with my parents now for a multitude of reasons.) my parents defend her so much and all I can think is…you’re enabling her to be a total and utter mess.
Part of me wants to contact her to see if she’s ok. I feel the need to make sure she’s not on the verge of doing something bad. Just know she’s ok on some level. I won’t bc I’m not going down that sewer pipe. I just feel so bad for her. I want to wrap her up in a warm blanket and give her hot chocolate telling her it will be ok. I hoped the court records would have been empty. I hope and pray she’s moving on in her life and thriving. Instead it just feels like she’s getting worse. I feel horrible for my nibblings who are experiencing all of that and in all honesty I don’t even know if they have contact with her now. Ex BIL may have stepped in for the health and safety of the kids. I don’t know.
But yeah I feel total guilt. I remember when I told my BIL about the birthday party event (in case the kids said something to him I didn’t want to be the crazy person and he deserved the right to know what was going on) he told me I needed to find a way to fix the relationship with my sister bc she needed me now more than she realized. He was more right than anyone could have imagined. She has/had two best friends. Best friends for 25ish years. All lived in the same town. Neither were willing to show up and testify in her defense. One agreed to but then gave a bs answer to back out at the last minute. The other couldn’t bc she couldn’t get off work rofl. She didn’t even write a character reference letter to the judge. Who would have thought they would have abandoned her.
I know it’s safer for me and my kids (mentally, physically and emotionally) to stay away from all of them but I still feel guilty. What’s the best way to handle the guilt?

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Total_Cap_8129. She posted in AmItheAsshole
I added paragraph breaks for readability.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. Latest update is 7 days old per the rules of this sub.

Mood Spoiler: sad but with good boundaries
Original Post: May 21, 2024
This is my first reddit post, throwaway. Also Englisch is not my first language.
My (53F) mother passed away 10 years ago and I inherited a few select items of jewellery from her. Those are things she cherished and wore often. I have been wearing her watch for the past 10 years, my sister (50F) holds a golden bracelet that she loves and there are three items left that me and my sister have been planning to give to my three daughters (20/18/18) to commemorate 10 years since her passing. They always knew this and were close to their gradma. There is also no quarrel about who gets what.
Enter my brother (48m) and his fiancée (38f) of two years. My brother is demanding one of the pieces for his future wife to wear. He claims we never involved him in any discussion as to what should happen to the pieces and we can’t just claim those to ourselves just because we are women. He says it’s very common for heirloom jewellery to be given to the daughter-in-law and he and his fiancée even cited Meghan Marke and Kate Middleton as examples.
Legally there is no case to be made, my mother left those items to me. I have politly declined their request explaining that I can’t let one of my daughters go without and that they were very close to their grandma while his fiancée did not know her. His fiancée is apparently distraught and claims we don’t see her as family. My father wants me to keep the items and give one to my brother so that all of my mom’s kids eventually get one item and I can do as I see fit with the rest. My sister kindly has offered up her bracelet.
I am torn. I don’t t want to antoganoize my brother and my sister-in law but I find my three daughters’ claim so much more valid. They have been looking forward to this for years. And I don’t want my sister to sacrifice her bracelet. If there were more pieces I would not hesitate to give something to her. It’s not a matter of money. I have offered other things out of my mom’s estate, they feel it’s not the same.
I am also taking into account that my brother was married to his first wife 10 years ago and despite having been close to my mother she got no jewellery either but was left two of my mothers’s watercolor drawings. I feel like my mother left those pieces to me with the intention of eventually passing them on to her granddaughters. Would she have subscribed to the „each child or each daughter plus daughter-in-law has to get a piece of jewellery“ logic she would have left something to my brother or his then-wife in the first place.
My daughters told me the would accept any decision I make but I feel it would be highly unfair to burden them with any involvement in the decision making. The choice is mine to make and I have to live with the consequences. According to my father they are debating to uninvite me from the wedding over this. I stand by my decision but It’s hard.. I was always on good terms with my brother and cordial with his fiancée.. so AITA?
Relevant Comments (OOP had over 100, so this is very narrowed down):
Commenter: OP, she doesn't want to feel closer to her new family, she wants to know that she can push your brother to get her what she wants, even at the expense of his relationship with all of you. It's a game she is playing now, before they get married, so she knows exactly how far she can push you all and what she can get her greedy hands on with a temper tantrum and some threats to exclude you all.
Tell your brother the legacy he received is two watercolor paintings his ex wife has, and he's welcome to chase her down for that if he feels so strongly about it. But your jewelry was a gift your grandmother gave to you, and it is staying with you until you give it to your daughters.
Friend, if you cave to your brother and SIL on this, you'll be handing shit over as long as their marriage lasts. NTA.

OOP: Wow.. thanks for the clarity and direct words. I am starting to feel I was in denial about how bad this really is.
It’s worth mentioning that my brother obviously received his own inheritance as well.
(to another commenter): Also he got a sizable inheritance back then and his wife got two original artworks.. those jewelry pieces are worth approximately $1000 each while my mother’s original artworks are valued $1000-$3000 (she was an illustrator) so the issue is really not me sitting on a $50,000 diamond ring while they received two worthless sketches.

Commenter: Your dad presumably still had items from his wife? He can give one of his treasures to her. You and your sister and your three daughters got one item each. Not up for renegotiation.

OOP: We already offered but she claims it must be jewelry so she can wear it on her wedding day.

Commenter: Since the brother and fiancee seem to want to make the decision, ask them which granddaughter they feel deserves to be deprived of her grandmother's memento, AND how they intend to compensate said daughter for her exclusion from grandmotherly keepsakes. Tell them you cannot in good conscience hand anything over to the fiancee unless they can give a reasonable answer to these questions.

OOP: My husband actually asked them that and their answer was they believe that the twins should share.. which is obviously not going to happen as long as I am here to prevent it.

Commenter: How does the SIL even know about the jewelry?

OOP: I planned to give it to my girls at a family dinner commemorating our mother’s birthday next month and gave everyone a heads up. That’s how she got to know.

Commenter: You have 3 daughters. Your mother left you 3 items. It's pretty self-explanatory. Your mother didn't have to spell it it out for you. She just left them with you for safekeeping. If that wasn't her intention, she would have given them to your dad. Plus your daughters had a personal relationship with your mom (THEIR grandmother).
You got the watch. Your sis got the bracelet. Your daughters get the other 3.

OOP: Thanks.. I feel exactly the same way. I can’t for the life of me see where my brother claims we should have involved him in any discussion concerning who gets what because in my view it’s absolutely clear who gets what. And since she left those things to me, it’s up to me to make the decision. She could’ve left them to anybody else, but she didn’t. What else am I going to do with three pieces when I have three daughters?

Commenter: Tell your brother to stick it. These are for your daughters / her bloodline. This is so entitled and ridiculous.

OOP: I actually don’t care so much about the bloodline thing. If my father were to die tomorrow and each of this children would get some beloved sentimental items I would be really pissed if my husband who is very close to him would not get anything. Plus, I really understand why she wants to have something to feel more connected to her new family, especially since she is estranged to her parents and won’t get anything from them to wear on her wedding day. The problem lies solely in the fact that I don’t have anything to give her without hurting other people. I will not prioritise her feelings above my daughters.

Commenter: Bet you the reason she is estranged from her parents is an eye opener if you ever find it out. Whatever she told you it was is BS.

OOP: I don’t know the reason, but I will admit the thought has crossed my mind. The fact that she is willing to blatantly ignore her nieces’ feelings and that wearing a piece of heirloom jewellery on her wedding day is more important to her than the girls’ connection to their beloved grandmother is a bit concerning to me.

Commenter: If she's trying to feel closer to your family, is there any jewelry that is yours or your sister's that could be given or loaned to her for her wedding day that isn't inherited from your mother?
Your sister and your daughters who actually knew and loved your mother should, of course, take precedence over someone who has only heard about her! NTA and your brother is being absurdly pushy.

OOP: We have now decided to pitch in together to buy something new for her to wear on her wedding day and have as a gift from the family. I hope she will accept this. I could also give her something from me as a loan but I feel buying something specifically for her would probably be better. It’s not that I feel she shouldn’t have anything and I would honestly offer to give her a piece if I had any spare pieces to give.

Commenter: NTA. Your brother is marrying a psycho. She’s never met your mother but is distraught that she can’t wear her dead MIL’s jewelry. You are correct, your mom left the jewelry to you and, as you stated, your mom didn’t even leave your brother’s wife (his ex) jewelry when she passed. Your brother and his fiancée are acting crazy entitled and you need to tell them no and that if they bring it up again you’ll have to excuse yourself from their presence. They are trying to bully you out of your daughters’ heirloom jewelry, their birthrites.

OOP: I can actually see why she would like to have something, we were all very close with mom and keep her memory alive and it’s tricky to enter into such a dynamic years later. I would give her something especially to wear on her wedding day (she is estranged from her parents) if I had anything to give but I can’t take away from my daughters to help her feel better.

Commenter: NTA - the items were left to you. No matter what happens in the future, your daughter's will be your daughter's. The same can't be said for your brothers fiance. That relationship could end, and then the jewelry wouldn't be part of the family anymore. If they were married when your mother passed, maybe I'd consider it, but they haven't tied the knot, so don't give her anything.

OOP: This has been brought up a lot but I feel I can’t in good conscience bring up the fact that their marriage might fail as an argument.

Commenter: NTA if your mom specifically left them to you. Y W B T A if you and your sister decided between yourselves to take all of the nice jewelry without giving any to brother. What about if/when he has daughters?

OOP: He was childless back than with no intention of starting a family and his first wife got an inheritance of her own and so did he. He was completely fine with us deciding what to do with the jewelry as neither him nor his ex wife were interested. The issue only came up with his fiancée recently. Had he voiced his objections ten years ago I would not have spent the last ten years preparing my daughters and the situation would be different. Also legally all items belong to me and I am under no obligation to share or discuss with anyone. I discussed with my sister because it seemed fitting.. again.. he was not interested.

Ask the first wife for paintings?
Asking first wife for her paintings might be an even harder no than the jewelry question honestly.. she received those paintings because she loved our mother and her art and she was a family member in her own right after replacing my mother as my disabled father’s full-time caretaker after my mother fell ill. I am not close to her anymore but I respect her and my mother‘s wishes enough to not hunt her down after seven years for what is legally and rightfully hers.
Update (Same Post): May 22, 2024 (Next Day)
Thank you all for your kind messages and advice, I would never have expected to get so valuable support and inside from strangers on the Internet. Thank you really from the bottom of my heart!
We came together with my brother and his fiancée after I had many of your replies to my husband and my sister. I stated clearly that I will support her in any way possible and that it’s very important for me to welcome home to the family properly but the jewelry is off the table because I believe I am fulfilling my mother’s wishes and I cannot hurt my daughters. I added that I believe that this is not the right way to join a family and that we should strive to resolve this conflict before it creates more tension between my daughters and their uncle and future aunt and also amongst us siblings.
At first, I thought my brother really saw my point and he seemed happy that we offered to pitch together to buy something for his fiancée. Unfortunately she is not willing to accept this. as some of you pointed out, she seems to believe that she ranks right beside my sister and me when it comes to our late mother and supersedes my daughters.. well.
She talked about her rightful place in the family and how she went no contact with her family because they denied her the respect that she deserves and that she will not hesitate to do the same with us. She also talked a lot about the pain of not being able to have any heirloom jewelry for her wedding. And honestly, I believe only a few days ago I would’ve given in presented with her tears but thanks to your kind words I was able to see through her emotional manipulation and really now that I am aware of what she’s doing it is so obvious..
I must say my brother looked very uncomfortable. She then stated that it would be a waste to give the pieces to my daughters since they would just sell them for the money to buy make-up wich is absurd. I ended the conversation at this point stating that I hold firm to my boundary and that they are free to do whatever they feel is the right thing for them.
I am heartbroken and I hope my brother will change his mind. So.. no happy ending but thanks again.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Thats great youve seen her for what shes really doing! Good luck to your brother because the fiancé sure sounds like a peach! Well done for looking out for your baby girls (I know they’re 18 but they’ll always be your babies!)!

OOP: They are capable and wise but they should not bear the consequences of the quarrels of others that they have no part in. And although I am heartbroken by all of this I can firmly feel my mother’s support in this as she put me in charge to protect what belongs to her granddaughters and daughters. Thank you for your support!

In response to a longer comment:

Thanks again.. I appreciate your encouragement. I hope their next move will be one of love and understanding but it’s hard to tell what they will do. While I don’t believe they are considering to physically steal the pieces from me, I have now given the two pieces meant for the younger girls to my mother-in-law for safekeeping at her house until the dust settles. She is obviously livid at the treatment of her granddaughters. The girls felt a lot of pressure from their uncle which is so heartbreaking.. my eldest on the other hand calls her future aunt a grifter and says she will not accept any change of plan to accommodate her so she will receive her piece as planned. She has also been looking forward to wearing it for a long time. I have no words really at this point.. hoping for the best.

​

Alrighty. As the title suggests, my law teacher introduced to a game for our famous criminals unit. The best way I can describe it is that it's Clue and Among Us's love child on steroids. For Reddit purposes, I'll call the guilty parties "imposters" (not very creative, but please bear with me). The goal for the "imposters" is to eliminate the whole class. The class's goal is to catch the "imposter" before it's too late.
In round one, there were three popular kids who were the "imposters." They fell on a weekend, so they basically had 3-4 days to eliminate the whole class — which they did. They had gone to people's houses and even dragged them out of bed at almost 1 in the morning. They employed the help of a teacher on the last day and got the last three people out (myself being the 2nd one eliminated that day). However, they filmed the whole thing without anyone's permission. When they eliminated me, I realized that they filmed the whole thing, and I went to the law teacher and told him that S, N, and A filmed my elimination without my permission and that I would like it deleted.
Round 2 saw me as the only "imposter" with a 2-day window to eliminate everyone. I went ahead and asked a few of my close friends to see if they could help me out - we were allowed to do this as there was no rule against it - and they all agreed to help. In less than 24-hours, I had 80% of the class eliminated and none of them were happy with my method of elimination. I was called an asshole for "using my best friend like that" and for "not being sneaky." Their evidence that I was the "imposter" was that I asked close friends to help me, that I wouldn't make eye-contact (which I rarely do, anyways), and that I was salty over my elimination the previous day.
I plead guilty to eliminating 80% of the class, and then the more popular kids threw a tantrum. I am a more quiet kid so I didn't argue with the popular ones as it would do nothing. However, the popular kids weren't happy that I asked friends to help me out when I was on my own without anyone to help me. Given their demands and their fit, the teacher handed down the rule that we can't get other teens involved (ie. our friends). I have asked multiple friends of mine outside of the classroom and they all said that this was the stupidest rule they've ever heard and that I didn't break any rules of the game.
Anyways, I know that this is just a rant, but what are y'all's opinions on this? Is this a stupid new rule that should be removed?

For some backstory, I(25f) haven't always had the closest bond with my step-dad growing up. I always felt intimidated by him because of the fact that I found him rude and neglectful of my siblings and I. He preferred his biological children more. He never really made an effort to bond with me, causing a strain in our relationship and me feeling heavily negative about him. He has done many things from: saying "i would date someone like you if i was in highschool" and being creepy one time and dangerously close in my face while he was drunk. This caused my mother and I to get into a fight, and then them ignoring me for three days including my birthday (which has left me a lot of trauma since then). Let's just say, I do not feel kind things towards him, but still remain respectful towards him for the sake of my mom and because I live in his house for the next 1 1/2 months until I can move out.
My boyfriend is in a tough spot right now financially, so he is also staying with his parents. However, it is a very cramped space they live in since its his parents, brother, and sister. The worst part of it all is how horribly hoarded it is to the point where it's hard to navigate the apartment. It's so bad to the point where there is expired food still in the fridge, mold in various areas such as the shower and such, and is extremely dirty to the point where giant roaches are found. He is working 2 jobs back-to-back to try to help pay off his debt, but the conditions he is in is unsafe and mentally draining.
This has also put a strain on our relationship as we struggle with money and are trying to fix our credit. The distance from each other is super far and our jobs are opposite schedules with different days off. Mentally, I have felt extremely down as well. It's so bad to the point where my bf broke down crying because of his horrible living situation and that his parents and brother pestering him for money for rent despite the conditions they live in.
I know my situation isn't as horrible as his, but I feel extremely uncomfortable living under the same roof as him and found it super odd that he has been so strict with me ever since I moved back in. I have always followed the rules to the 'A' and never argued back with him because I did not want to disrespect him. One of his rules specifically was not having my boyfriend stay the night, which I understand completely.
I felt desperate, because I love my bf so much and care about him and there's nothing in the world that i wouldn't do for him. I texted my father first, given it wouldn't hurt to ask if my bf could move in with us temporarily for the next 1 1/2 months until we both move out. However, my father declined without even asking me about why my boyfriend needs another place to move into temporarily. Straight up declined, which has left me confused and hurt because I have done nothing but respect my step-dad despite the fact that he's a creep. I felt hurt, asking him why that was his choice, but then backtracked saying that I was no longer interested in hearing his excuse and would sort out living in a motel with my bf in july for the time being. I have felt like I have shown him respect always and have never received any in return. Most of my life I felt he has always treated me unfairly because im not his blood. This was a favor I feel like I am not asking much of given the short amount of time it would be. What do you guys think? Am I wrong?
TLDR; my step-father has said no to my boyfriend (who lives in a horrible hoarding situation that is mentally affecting him) moving in with us for the next 1 1/2 months until we move out because he is a creepy a-hole who has always been controlling and not respectful towards me

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/xl-bully-hull-boy-attack-b2552647.html

XL Bully’ seized by police after boy, 5, suffers head injuries in attack

The five-year-old boy suffered serious head injuries after being attacked by the suspected XL Bully in Hull

Police have seized a suspected XL Bully after it attacked a young boy in Hull.
The victim, aged five, was found with serious head injuries after the incident at a house in Brazil Street in the city at around 11.45am on Monday, 27 May.
The boy was rushed to hospital where he is recovering.
A Humberside Police spokesman said: “Enquiries are ongoing after we received reports that a five-year-old boy had been bitten by a dog at a property on Brazil Street in Hull at around 11.45am yesterday.“
“The boy suffered injuries to his head, and is currently in hospital receiving treatment.”
Detective Chief Inspector Allison Sweeting said: “We are working closely with the boy’s family and the owner of the dog to understand the circumstances surrounding the incident.
“At this stage, the breed of dog is believed to be an XL bully type and it has been seized as part of our enquiries.”
Angeline Mahal was fatally attacked by one of her dogs at her home in Cornwall Close in Hornchurch last week (Supplied)
The attack comes a week after the family of a “kind-hearted” mother killed by one of her two registered XL Bully dog urged other owners to give up the breed if they show a hint of aggression.
Angeline Mahal, believed to be in her fifties, was attacked at the semi-detached home in Cornwall Close in Hornchurch just after 1pm on Monday.
A relative, who wished to remain anonymous, feared Angeline - known as Angel to friends - had been dead for many hours before she was discovered.
He told The Sun: “We miss her, she was sincere and loved by everyone. We asked her to get rid of the dogs. The bond with owners and their dogs is too strong.”
Both dogs were registered as exempt from the government’s ban on XL Bully dogs, which came in on 1 February after a series of attacks.
Under the agreement for having a dog exempt, owners must have had the animal neutered, have it microchipped and keep it muzzled and on a lead in public.
According to the Office for National Statistics, there were 16 deaths due to dog attacks in 2023, a sharp rise from preceding years where the number had been in single figures.
As of late 2023, around 60 per cent of dogs held in police kennels were a bull breed of some kind.XL Bully’ seized by police after boy, 5, suffers head injuries in attack

The five-year-old boy suffered serious head injuries after being attacked by the suspected XL Bully in Hull

Barney Davis

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/WanderingWifie
I'm a gaming widow
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest & Marriage
TRIGGER WARNING: addiction, physical violence
Original Post Apr 20, 2024
How is it not me? Help me understand as a gaming widow
My(38f) husband(34m) spent $1800 in 3 months on a mobile game. He recently started purchasing google play cards behind my back so it's not apparent on the bank statement. I caught him because I found it in our truck under the seat. Now he asks for google play cards...except I'm too scared to say no..he's so mean and cold and the walls have holes from it.
I started going to therapy because he's forced us into living almost below paycheck to paycheck. Ofc we've had multiple convos and he knows he may lose me.
I asked my therapist, "How is it not my fault when the kids and me are his life he's trying to escape?" . My therapist kept repeating, "I promise it's not, this is something within him".
I hate her answer.
Can you help me see it from his view? I feel like he doesn't want to be a father to our kids (2m, 7f). Maybe he doesn't want a life with me and can't admit it? Is therapist trying to coddle me? Like is she worried if she says, "WanderingWifie, you are a shit mom. You are a shit partner. You are a shit person. This is your fault because you're a SAHM and he hates living with you in the life you've created together!" That I'll never come back or hurt myself?
He tells me, "at least I'm here. I could be doing (xyz event away from home)after work". At this point I might as well consider him a "cardboard cutout that's glued to the chair". No, really. Our 2yr son got all the way out the door when I was in the backyard letting the dogs out.
I miss my husband so fucking much. We don't go to bed together anymore. He goes to bed at around 130am. I'm never his focus after the kids go to bed. He thinks he's "present" but I doubt he could tell you the plot of any movie or show we've watched lately. He's glued to it for all but maybe 1-2 waking hours...that's me being generous and counting all total points he briefly engages with us. He gets angry when I ask for help putting the kids to bed because it's in the middle of one of his battle raids.
Please please be brutally honest. I don't want to fight for someone to stay in a life they hate.
My MIL is trying to save me from her own son Apr 21, 2024
It just hit me this morning as I sat processing my most recent appointment. It was at her insistence that I saw a therapist that worked closely with women's health. My MIL is the one that briefed the therapist on the situation with her son and his addiction.
My therapist asked, "Does your MIL know how bad the situation at home can get?".
For a moment I didn't answer and the pieces slowly came together as I spoke, "I didn't need to. She saw the holes in the wall and now the shattered glass in the cabinet. I didn't even have a conversation about the cabinet. She texted me after that she was booking me with you and that a wife should never fear her husband. But I never said I was afraid. She knew.."
I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for my MIL; accepting her son is capable of evil and knowing the therapist would guide me into seeing the addiction and abuse wasn't normal, knowing it would leave to me putting plans in place to leave him. She did this knowing the divorce will be nasty and I will have main custody of the kids.
This woman stood up for other woman over her son and I don't know how to begin to thank her.
Edit: info: FIL & MIL grew up in physically abusive households they are not abusive.
My husband is verbally abusive. The concern is it transferring from holes in the walls/smashed glass to my face being met with his fist. For those that don't see holes in walls as warnings....you are blind the way I was...it can turn on a dime, it's a question of when. I had become so used to it preaddiction that it no longer phased me as "not normal". The addiction has ramped his anger issues up. I do not feel safe saying no when he asks to spend money on it.
Edit 2: I promise to continue to update and make posts. It's hard for me to not delete because this addiction...and what it's done...not only is it not talked about (on the rise according to my therapist and WHO has classified it as a disorder similar to gambling) but people that "don't get it" are like "WHAT A LOSER". Please understand this is a 13 year relationship (married for 9 of them) and he was not always like this. I loved the man I married. I do not love this man that has replaced him.
He said something really mean but it's true Apr 27, 2024
"At least I haven't wasted 30K on an education that resulted in nothing".
We've been fighting a lot...mostly about the mobile game addiction. I don't want to get into it here but it's a lot of money and time. My post history talks more about it.
I started crying on the spot when he said it. It was a low blow for many reasons.

1. I tried several different majors in my 20's but bad mental health got in my way and I failed.
   
2. I graduated last summer from a medical trade there are no jobs for.
   
3. I got fired in Jan (2 weeks from the 90 day probation) from my last job and it devastated me because I tried my hardest at it...I guess I'm just garbage at admin work.
   
4. I've been feeling very lost in life and wondering my purpose. Should I go back to my career I had before the kids? I was just a dog groomer...average at best..I tried to break away with a career change but that failed..as you can see.
   

He has tried to apologize but I'm too hurt. I don't feel like I have the right to be mad because what he said is true.
I was supposed to start volunteering at the animal shelter and groom strays for free as per my therapist's hope to "get me out there". Instead, I'm sitting with my daughter watching movies... not wanting to see the light of day.
Update: My MIL is trying to save me from her own son May 22, 2024
Well...It's been over a month... and a lot happened. He blew up my chance to volunteer at the animal shelter. He did not like it when I got strong and said, "I'm not nothing without you; I have rights, you will owe my alimony, half of the house for starters". So he went after the therapist who also mainly runs the shelter... whatever he said made her not respond to my emails or messages. I believe he accused her of purposely ruining a marriage and probably some legal threat from his response. I'm really sad and feel like I can't trust therapists after this...I worry that maybe I'm too damaged... mostly I wonder what was said. I feel freaking abandoned but I don't want to unpack that in this post tbh.
Last night all hell broke loose and I said the words out loud, "I want a seperation- I'm done". I was/am done with doing all the house chores; (laundry, dishes, all & any house cleaning, pet feeding/walking/poop clean up, all the emotional labor of helping 7f with school & teachers, taking on all the finances because he can't be trusted not to spend stupidly & selfishly). I was/am tired of doing all the potty training with 2m and 95% of diapers. I was/am tired of feeling embarassed to let people in the house because of the holes in walls.
I bet you can guess how well it went. New wall holes. Hooray. I went into the laundry room, locked it, and screamed, "No! You don't come in here! This is my safe space. I will fucking call the cops.".
I stayed there for two hours. He kept trying to get me to come out and talk. I said, "I do not feel like we can have a conversation without fighting. " each time. Then I went to bed and pretended to sleep as he got ready for work (omg I was so happy he got called in).
In the morning I texted my mil that it was over and I was leaving at the end of the month. I asked her to make sure he has support during this time...because...I still love him and don't want him to anything dumb. She responded with simply "We (meaning my fil as well) love you ". Omg I cried. I cried because, as a mother myself, I cannot imagine how painful this is for her.
Later on my husband called me. I listened to that canary sing like his life depended on it. He said he would delete the game or not spend anything on it. He said he would create a chore sch with me so I wouldn't be doing everything.
My heart so badly wanted to believe it. I knew I couldn't give in...he needed to feel the gravity of his fuck ups; the almost 3k he spent on a game in 4 months, preventing me from going to therapy, ruining my chance to restart my former career (dog groomer), and just everything.
So that's all for now...I'm sitting here..at midnight...nervous for when he comes home tomorrow (he's gone 12-48 hours at a time for his job).
Ps. My dad is doing his second round of chemo and so far-so good. They did find cancer in his lymph nodes after surgery..so yes it spread but not as bad as it could be. Thank-you to the redditor's that said such kind things.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
OOP when asked why she is still talking to her husband and doesn't take the kids and leave

It's a funny thing. This is someone I've been with for 13 years. The major shift in everything happened 4 months ago when he found the game. It's not so easy when you've been a sahm for 7 years esp in this job market.
I used to say the same thing as you when I heard of people in abusive situations. All I can say is unless you've been in a situation similar you do not and cannot possibly understand.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Chemical-Scarcity964
Originally posted to AITAH
Previous BoRU
[New Update]: AITAH for refusing to help my FIL with a vehicle?
Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, deaths of loved ones, financial struggles, cancer
RECAP
Original Post: December 3, 2023
I (38F) have been married to my husband (43M) for almost 15 years. My FIL has never really accepted me as family. He referred to me as "my son's wife" for the first 5 years of my marriage & when he convinced us to go halves on a property insisted on only his & my husband's names on a survivors deed, "in case we divorced". In the last few years, he has struggled financially due mostly to poor choices he made. His wife, husband's step mom, is much older & has medical problems leading him to choose to work mostly from home. He has traded in vehicles numerous times in the last few years, supposedly trying to lower his payments, but is always upside-down on the loans that it doesn't work. He is paying close to $1000 a month on a minivan. Now here is my problem.
My FIL is currently trying to guilt trip my husband into giving him one of several vehicles I inherited. I had two uncles pass away 3 weeks apart during the holidays more than a year ago & I am still going through the probate process because they passed so close together. I do not have the court's permission to do anything with their vehicles yet.
He told my husband how much it would help him to have one of the vehicles so that he could let his car go back on repo & not have to make the payments. I may have considered it too, if he had waited more than a couple weeks after my both uncles passed away. I was, quite litterally, knee deep in a horders paradise, trying to clean out their apartment within the month to avoid having to pay rent because i couldnt afford it and had no access to their money (strike one). He picked out which vehicle he wanted, the most valuable of the 4, rather than asking if we had plans for them yet (strike two). Then he asked my husband to give him said vehicle (strike three). As a cherry on top, asked my husband again (still has never asked me) to give him a $10k vehicle after we pay for all the little repairs it needs, of course.
Here is where I might me the Asshole: Do I need the vehicle? No. Could I use the money from its sale? Yes, but I could live without it, too, as our finances are better now. Will I sign it over to him? Never. This is far from the first time that man has shown utter disrespect for me & he can pay for rides before I give him any vehicle. Yes, I am probably being a little childish. The only reason I hesitate, I actually like his wife & it would help her to some extent.
Edit to add: My husband has already told me that the vehicles are mine & I can do whatever I want with them.
Since it's been mentioned a few times: he has been bought out on the property & my name added.
Edit for clarity & to address the most common responses: My husband acts as a buffer against FIL for the sake of my sanity. He has told FIL multiple times that the vehicles are not his to do anything with, but the man is intentionally dense. His wife cannot legally own a car as it cannot be registered in her name (no license) I will not loan/rent him a vehicle as I can't trust that he will maintain it.
 
Relevant Comments
akhoneygirl: Offer him the worst for 3 or 4000!

OP: That's part of it. He wants us to fix & give him the vehicle. All of them need at least a few hundred in repairs. He has no interest in paying us for anything. He is just set on guilt tripping his son. My husband has told me everything from the start & said it's all up to me, my uncles, my vehicles, my decision.

SawwhetMA: So FIL set you up to lose out on a property if your SO passed away before FIL did? I'm glad to hear you bought him out and that's set now . If you find it in your heart to give him one of the vehicles then you may be a better person than I because I'm not sure if I could, given the history. What if (when probate is set and all) you offer to rent him one of the vehicles? Obviously that isn't what he wants, but you'd get some income but still own it to sell it when he was done with the vehicle?
Good luck!

OP: He would run it into the ground & I would end up having to go get it when he refused to pay. It's just frustrating because I like his wife & would consider doing it to help her, if he would just man up & ask. Instead, he tries to play the poor me card.

Dixieland_Insanity: INFO:
How does he know what you're inheriting from your uncles. Why does he think he's entitles to any of it?

OP: He knew my uncles fairly well since they were basically the last of my family. He doesn't really know what the full inheritance is, but the vehicles were the most obvious. He has told him no a couple of times. Everything FIL gets tight on funds he asks again.

Cdn_Giants_Fan: Not The A•H. But that said I would probably sell him one of the vehicles for its bluebook value and say pay 100 bucks a week. And if he says anything about it saybthat perhaps if you weren't such an asshat to me I would've just let you have it. Then if he starts being nice after it's partially paid off tell him hes good. He learns a lesson and you earn some money.

OP: I would never see a dime. He thinks that being "the father" means he is owed something from my husband and, by extension, me. Honestly, even if he offered me full value in cash, I would probably laugh at him & tell him to shove off.

VadersLoversLover: Gift it to your MIL with a lien on it so he can’t change to title.

OP: Due to a medical issue, she can't drive and had to surrender her license. That makes it impossible to register it in her name because she can't be insured as a driver.

 
Update #1: December 11, 2023
You guys asked for an update, so here you go. I have had a long talk with my husband about FIL & his "request" for one of the vehicles I had inherited. I showed him my original post & he got a good laugh out of some of the suggestions (especially the toy car). We have agreed that the only way to handle his constant hints & requests, is for me to draft an email to him. For reference: FIL loves to send me rude & demanding emails when he "feels unheard."
The email will not be sent until I know that probate is done & is as "polite & civil" as I can possibly write it. The jist of the email I typed up is this:
"I understand that you have been asking husband to gift you one of my uncles' vehicles. Unfortunately, you have chosen to speak to the wrong person. I have told you before that, in some things, his business is his & mine is mine. The vehicles that you keep asking about are mine. As such, I have decided that they will be sold at a fair market value. The funds will be split evenly into savings accounts for my daughters, as a seed for their futures. I already have buyers lined up for the vehicles & will be arranging times for them to be collected shortly. I hope you can understand my desire to ensure that my childrens' futures are secure, as my uncles would have wanted."
I am tempted to sign it as "husband's wife" but am undecided right now.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. Your thoughts & support helped me a lot. I was genuinely on the fence as to whether or not I was being too sensitive about everything. You were all amazing & supportive about the entire mess. I just hope that this email to him puts an end to his covert begging once & for all (at least about this). And yes, my husband is behind me 100% and has no issues with my approach.
 

----NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: May 22, 2024 (five months later)
A few people have reached out to ask so here it goes.
Everything is finally settled. The vehicles are sold, except one I decided to keep for my oldest to learn on when she gets her permit.
I didn't send my FIL the email, although I do still have it saved. Turns out I won't have to. As of a few weeks ago, I am getting a divorce. My, now stbx, husband decided that he no longer wants to play house. He moved out & I am in the process of packing his things. Since the vehicles and my house were all inherited, he has no claim to them or the money from their sale. Yes I double checked the law in my state. If he would have waited a few more weeks, I would have paid off every debt we had, but he didn't. So he saved me a bunch of money by telling me before I commingled my inheritance funds with joint assets.
I don't know how his family will act towards me & our kids when he finally tells them all. His brother has called to make sure he is still allowed to keep in touch but he is the only one I've heard from so far.
Oh and as a bonus: the week before I found out about my impending divorce, my mother (who I was never close to) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away a week later. She was 58 years old, the same age my uncles were. So, yeah, it's basically just me & my kids against the world now.
Anyway, that's the update.
Relevant Comments
OOP on moving forward with her life and personal issues going on in her family especially health issues

OOP: Thank you. Its kinda sad that your kind words are enough to make me want to cry because it's expected that I am the strong one for everyone else. I don't really get to give myself time to be weak. And you are right. If it were not for my kids, I probably would have been completely broken.
My uncles had other health problems, no cancer at all that I know of & most of our family lived into their 70s and 80s. I am definitely working on getting my little health concerns checked out, though.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Our mage and I are trying to figure out how best to calculate Mana Barrier sizes properly. He's been using MB spheres to capture and hold enemy spirits, and I think it should probably be a lot harder to do than we've been playing it.
SR6 core says: "At the basic level, the spell creates a two-meter by- two-meter barrier. The Increase Area effect can be added to add up to two meters in length and width (but not depth) for each time the effect is chosen The barrier can be shaped as desired by the caster."
It also says "the barrier can be shaped as desired by the caster." and "The Increase Area effect can be added to add up to two meters in length and width (but not depth)"
This sounds to me like the size of the MB is cast as a flat plane and should be calculated in terms of surface area. So a flat plane shaped into a sphere or cylinder with a diameter of 2m would actually require a SA of 12.57, which is a huge amp up for him.
Or we treat it as an offensive spell and make the casting a contested roll so they have a chance to evade.
Thoughts? We're looking for input to help equitably modify our house rules.

I’ve really enjoyed using my three CPTs with boosters and display to smoke briskets and pork butts, roast chickens and roast the Thanksgiving turkey. It’s an incredibly useful, well-designed and well-built family of products.
Except for two things: lack of charge indication and reliability of MeatNet.
Chris has explained that a special chip would be required in order for the CPT to report its charge state, and it isn’t compatible with high heat environments. I can live with that. So far, I haven’t had an instance of a CPT running out of charge during long cooks going well over 12 hours. But when I asked why the booster doesn’t have charge indication, Chris said it just didn’t make the cut for the first generation of hardware. OK, but this weekend my overnight Memorial Day cook was nearly ruined due to lack of information about booster charge, and maybe a problem with MeatNet.
Here’s what happened:
I smoked a brisket point and flat, separated, with CPTs in each cut. Before the cook, I pressed the button on each CPT’s booster and got a green light, so I knew the probes were fully charged. The meat went in my Kamado Joe ceramic grill, and I put a booster on a cabinet about six feet away. I put the other booster on a table indoors about 40 feet away. I took the display and my iPhone to the bedroom, about 40 feet from the second booster. I set the iPhone to Never Lock and brought up the CPT app so I wouldn’t miss the prediction alarms (learned to do that the hard way.) I set the CPT predictions to 180F to catch the end of the stall, at which time I’d think about wrapping. One of the CPTs set off an alarm at 180F. I decided not to wrap, and reset the predictions on both CPTs to 200F, at which time I‘d wait until they hit 203F and remove the cuts for a long hold.
The alarms never went off. Luckily, I happened to awake in time to see in the app that both cuts had reached and slightly exceeded the target temp. But both CPTs were not connected, and the display was showing they weren’t connected. I rushed to the smoker with a ThermoPen and was relieved to find that the two cuts weren’t far over the target temp of 203. One was at 205F and the other was at 208F. The texture of the cuts was good (wabba wabba) and a ThermoPen showed temps weren’t too far over target over most of the meat. I took the meat off for a long hold.
What happened? It didn’t take long to discover that both boosters had run out of charge. Given the last temps shown by the app, I guess I was lucky to awake shortly after the boosters ran out of charge. I’m puzzled why display and/or iPhone didn’t directly connect to the CPTs in the ceramic cooker when the boosters ran out of charge. The total distance was less than 75 feet. Is it necessary to have a MeatNet relay close to the CPTs? I’ve been doing that, but I thought the range was better. Is the distance significantly reduced when the CPTs are inside a ceramic grill? If this is the case, I think I should put the display, which has a much larger battery, near the ceramic grill so the iPhone can stay connected anywhere in the house.
So, why did the boosters run out of charge? The last time I can be sure I charged the boosters was about month before, after smoking a pork butt. I did one cook after that, a roast chicken last week. At the time, I pressed the buttons on all three boosters. Two lit up green, and one didn’t light up at all. I put the CPT in one of the other boosters and it showed green, so it looked like the CPT was charged but, unlike the other two boosters, its booster had run out of charge. Seemed like that shouldn’t have happened in 2-3 weeks without using the CPT. In fact, I had seen this once before, but I didn’t mark the booster that had run out of charge earlier than expected. So I charged up the one that had run out and left it on my desk with a different CPT to see if it would happen again (I wanted to rule out a problem with the CPT.) When it came time to do the brisket cook on Memorial Day, the booster in question showed green when I pushed the button, which meant the CPT was still charged. Of course, that didn’t tell me what state the booster battery was in, but I had to get on with the cook so I aborted that experiment. I thought I had charged the boosters after the roast chicken cook, but maybe it was only the booster I was testing.
It’s possible I have one booster that can’t hold a charge, but it’s also possible that all three of my boosters have problems holding charge. It’s also possible I have one or more CPTs that draw power from the booster too often. After all, my CPTs and my boosters are early production models. I need to do some careful experiments to figure this in out, and the lack of any charge indication for the CPTs and boosters is going to make that very difficult. One idea I had is to use a USB dongle I have that reports mAh delivered. That might give me some info by showing how much charge a given booster can take.
I’d appreciate any advice for setting up experiments to determine if I have bad boosters and/or CPTs.
Beyond that, I hope Combustion will consider a Gen 2 booster with charge indication (fine if it’s in the app.) I will probably replace my boosters if that happens (though a trade-in deal for early adopters would be nice.)
Recently, someone posted about Combustion offering a charging dock for CPTs. After this weekend, that idea appeals to me, too. The ability of the boosters to keep the CPTs charged would be superfluous (the plain charger would do), but it would still be worthwhile for keeping the boosters charged for use in MeatNet.
The other problem I’ve had is frequent disconnects. It’s worst in my Breville Combi Wave oven, but I’ve chalked that up to the amount of metal between the CPTs and boosters, and maybe noise generated by the Combi Wave electronics. The CPTs do reconnect eventually, but sometimes it can take several minutes. I can get through a roast chicken cook (oven, not microwave), but the disconnects are annoying. Most of the time I don’t get lots of disconnects when using CPTs in the ceramic cooker. They can go hours without disconnecting. But I do get them. The CPTs eventually reconnect, but it‘s annoying. Perhaps this happened as the boosters charges were winding down to zero.
Oh, one more issue: After setting a prediction, sometimes I couldn‘t get back in to change clear the prediction. When I tapped the prediction section, it would display the food safe page. Then, sometime later, I could tap the section and change or clear the prediction.

CW: discussion of cancer and DV please ignore the lack of grammar, honestly i just dont feel like it
hey. so I'm 16, i witnessed and was a victim of dv as a kid probably up until third grade. we never went no contact with my dad (the abuser), i still saw him every other weekend, regular divorce rules. my mom never spoke out because she was scared, and when they weren't fighting i was okay at his house for the most part. i went through phases in middle school where i would talk about how much i hated him, but i dont know how to feel anymore. he's my dad, and i want to believe he's changed, we still went out, we still were chill now that im older, but he still can be scary sometimes.
he has cancer, he's in the hospital with chemo brain and probably longer term treatment. he had pneumonia that went under the radar for a good amount of time and im honestly worried he'll die. this isn't his first time with cancer, and he is stage four.
i dont know how im supposed to feel, it's scary, he's my dad, but he also hurt me and my mom. he is the reason i cant watch some movies without having flashbacks. so why am i scared of him passing?
tldr: my abuser was also my dad and i have mixed feelings about him as a person, now he has stage four cancer and idk how to feel.

Arbitrage Alert: Las Vegas Aces @ Minnesota Lynx
Competition: 2024 Women's National Basketball Association
Start Time: May 29 2024 8:00 PM EDT
Market segment: Full Match (Inc. OT)
[ESPN Bet] Minnesota Lynx ML @ +205 (3.05)
[Caesars] Las Vegas Aces ML @ -189 (1.53)
MIN: $33.41 to return $101.89
LV: $66.59 to return $101.89
ROI: 1.89%
Powered by Odds Assist Pro and Sportsbook API.
Disclaimer: Please be sure to read and fully understand the house rules before placing any bets
This action was taken by a bot. If you think there is an error, please send a message to reddit user sportsbookapi.

The one that granted me the room is quickly moving out due to his finances not being together,
Furthermore, landlord is putting up the rent by 3.5% when legally they can only do it by 2%, (this'll be raised later )
There's 3 rooms,
The other room is a double room and an ensuite,
The room I'm moving into is a double bed (which I'll be moving into)
And the final room is a box room, that's stupidly small for a room which I'm currently in,
The rent currently is 1360, Breakdown:
Dbwb (double bed with bathroom) : 580
Double bed : 480
Box : 300,
LL doesn't care how we split it, but discuss it with ourselves when rent raises next month,
After 12 hr shift, I get reminded to discuss it,
I feel I got hoodwinked by this housemate,
He says he'll pay 550, and I should pay 490, and box room to pay 420,
Im only just waking up to realise that he's given himself a 30 euro discount each month, and have the brunt of the raise and cost on the new tenant,
What truly takes the piss, He moves his GF in sometime in September, never mentioned it to LL and declares price of the room shouldn't change at all,
And now they just got a puppy disobeying the LLs rules, and I've to sign a lease with people,
I've asked ai how to distribute this :
To split the rent of €1,460 fairly among the different rooms and considering the number of individuals, as well as the amenities such as an ensuite, we can use a point system. Each room feature (size, ensuite) is assigned points, and the total rent is divided according to the points each person's room has. Here's a logical way to approach it:

1. Assign Points:
   
   • Box Room: 1 point (smaller size)
   • Double Room: 2 points (larger size)
   • Double Room with Ensuite: 3 points (larger size + private bathroom)
2. Calculate Total Points:
   
   • Box Room: 1 point
   • Double Room: 2 points
   • Double Room with Ensuite: 3 points (since it's shared by two people, each person gets 1.5 points)
   Total points = 1 (Box) + 2 (Double) + 1.5 (Ensuite, per person) + 1.5 (Ensuite, per person) = 6 points
   
3. Determine Cost Per Point:
   
   • Total Rent: €1,460
   • Cost per point = €1,460 / 6 points = €243.33 per point
4. Calculate Individual Shares:
   
   • Box Room (1 person): 1 point x €243.33 = €243.33
   • Double Room (1 person): 2 points x €243.33 = €486.66
   • Double Room with Ensuite (per person): 1.5 points x €243.33 = €364.995

Breakdown of Rent: - Person in the Box Room: €243.33 - Person in the Double Room: €486.66 - Each person in the Double Room with Ensuite: €365 (rounded from €364.995)
This method takes into account the size of the room and the added value of an ensuite. It also considers the fact that the couple shares their space, so each person in the couple pays less than the individual in the double room without an ensuite. This is a fair and logical way to split the rent based on the amenities and space each person enjoys. The slight rounding for the ensuite room is to ensure the total adds up to the exact rent amount.
I don't think this couple will agree with what would be considered fair,
Where I am, there's a housing crises, and it's not easy to just say move out, I'm not a rat either

Hey everyone just a simple question as I am about to host an event soon. I (24M) like to host functions at my house. When the summer and special occasions is around I invite 30-70 people who all around my age with a few tiny bit older and normally send an invite in advance(most people 1-3 week notice and the close friends a month in advance). Only three times out of probably 30+ parties I host that I invite 20+ people, I have more than 50% show up. I make a rule for myself if they keep telling me maybe for three events in a row and don't show up I will just don't invite them aswell 90% won't invite again if they just keep my message on read. However, I constantly get those maybes or I will let you know text with rarely a follow up. I normally like a yes or a no as it be easier to track, I normally buy all the drinks and snacks. I do want to see how much things I need to buy to be a good amount without over boarding.
Should I reach out to people that say maybes in the past 2-3 weeks ago to confirm for a head count or should go by my own rule/your own(the reader's) advice?

Title: The Lesson
Plot Summary:
The day starts like any other with Bluey, Bingo, and their friends playing an imaginative game in the backyard. They decide to turn the house into a grand "Castle of Fun," using pillows, blankets, and various household items to create their masterpiece. However, their excitement leads them to sneak into Dad's special workshop to borrow some tools and supplies that are strictly off-limits.
While the castle construction is a success, things take a turn when Bandit and Chilli discover the mess left behind in the workshop and a few broken items. Concerned about the disregard for the house rules and the potential danger of using tools without permission, they sit Bluey and Bingo down for a serious talk. Despite their usual lenient approach, Bandit and Chilli decide that this time, a grounding is necessary to help the girls understand the consequences of their actions.
Bluey and Bingo are disappointed and upset about their punishment, which means no TV, no playdates, and extra chores until further notice. The sisters initially feel it's unfair, but as the week progresses, they start to understand the importance of respecting boundaries and taking responsibility for their actions.
During their grounding, they find new ways to have fun and bond with each other. They create their own games using only their imagination and help each other with chores, making the best of their situation. After a few days, Bluey and Bingo have learned a valuable lesson about responsibility and safety.
In a touching conclusion, Bandit and Chilli acknowledge the girls' efforts and lift the grounding as a reward for their good behavior. The family comes together for a fun-filled day at the park, celebrating not just the end of the grounding, but the growth and maturity Bluey and Bingo have shown.

I'm going to add every ounce of context here that I can, and please, please don't comment at me being harsh or anything about my decision making here.
Previous Context:
I was in a 3 month relationship with a woman and we were both 25 at the time. During this relationship, she was horribly domestically violent. She broke my nose while I was driving, cheated on me, she would send nudes to other guys when she was mad at me, manipulated me and a bunch of other things I don't want to get into at this time. Needless to say, it was bad, dude. I walked into that relationship happy as a clam and walked out so different my parents (who I have never been overly close to) noted a massive change in my demeanour.
Shortly after breaking up, we discovered she was pregnant. For the first month or so, I was completely disassociated, and I couldn't talk to her without getting super super angry at her. I was so panicked by the news of being tethered to her for 18 years. But I eventually got it together, I provided support where I could while she was pregnant, got the nursery furniture, got a good job and worked hard and did all the dad things I was supposed to do.
Around December that year, It was revealed that the person she cheated on me with was a candidate for father as well, which wasn't great to learn, but shortly after the birth, he was ruled out through a paternity test. Which I did not get. So at this point in time, I am still the assumed father.
I didn't meet my son until 12 weeks old, when he was in the hospital for malnutrition and she couldn't stop me from seeing him. That's when child protective services got involved. And were involved for some time. But eventually, deemed that my son was safe and left it alone.
The first 2 years of his life, my ex was volatile. She would bounce between being really nice and hostile. And admittedly, I'd bite back, especially when it was about my son's safety. She was on different drugs and stuff, while I was clean and sober but eventually has stopped that behaviour since and is being a pretty good mum now. I think it must've taken some time for her to adjust, I guess... This whole time though, I haven't been on my son's birth certificate, and she has always held the typical "You're never gonna see him again!" over my head whenever she didn't get her own way. Until she got a restraining order against me for what the police even said are "Dogshit reasons" and then continued to threaten me with the restraining order until she eventually had me arrested, I was able to prove my innocence, thankfully. But she constantly made it difficult to see my son, it was always like I had to pay to see him, she had to benefit from it.
Fast forward to the end of 2022:
Towards the end of 2022, She was barely letting me see him, before I ended up moving back to my home town due to the housing crisis, I had only seen him once in a month. I would call and text, I would email and she would not budge. I didn't see him for 2 months and then got some time with him for Christmas, then again didn't see him for 3 months.
2023:
2023 was a crazy year, I was in a very bad relationship and I was doing my best to have a relationship with my son. I was engaging in mediation and we came to a great agreement. However, shortly after, I was able to visit my son and after that visit, she became very hostile and kept trying to argue with me over trivial things. (Like I wanted to do my own Christmas photos with my son, rather than send her $150 towards hers) I mentioned wanting to do a paternity test on him, for peace of mind and the birth certificate documentation and she said "I'll put you on his birth certificate but I'm not doing all that other bullshit" One August morning, she rung me 76 times in 2 hours over child support (I pay $200 a fortnight privately) and stressed me out and made me panic so much I called the police to make a note of it for any potential family court. The police filed for basic restraining order against her, she could still contact me. AND THEN NOTHING
8 months of nothing. No contact, no replies to emails, nothing.
In that time, I was emailing my intentions to launch family court and everything, and she wouldn't reply. So I did it. I initiated Family Court. And then after the first court date, she rung me, she didn't want to go through family court. She asked for mediation. She let me see my son. It was such a quick change. I didn't back down, I said "This is where we're at, family court" She blames me for the stress she's under cause of Family Court, like I didn't spend months telling her how bad it would be.
For a month, she told me I should move back to the city to spend more time with my son, and I agree'd. But I moved back 2 weeks ago and she rung me on Day 1. and Said she was filing for me to see him 1 day a fortnight or not at all. My dad and my friends have said "Walk away, you can't live in a storm all your life" and want me to move back to my home town. I'm so lost and I don't know what to do. Reddit, any advice?
tdlr; My son's mother just keeps making things difficult with my son.

My son is 4 years old and started preschool in the fall. I was working day shifts from 6am-3:30 or 4:00 and my son’s father wasn’t working so he would take him to school in the morning; we also live across the street from each other which is super convenient. Things were going great until Christmas break ended. After the break, his father’s car broke down and he was unable to drive him to school. I suggested that he walk him to school but he refused, claiming that the school was too far and he would be too tired despite him not working. For 2 months my son would sit in the house playing on his tablet for hours until I got home because his father didn’t want to entertain him. I personally have no problem with my son having a tablet but I never wanted him to be on it for long periods of time. The rule at my house is 1 hour on school nights and 2 hours on the weekend, he spends most of his day outside on the weekends anyway. However, his father allows him to do whatever he wants and doesn’t monitor what he watches. As soon as I get home my son comes and gets dressed for the first time all day and goes outside to play with his cousins who have just gotten out of school. I would cook and get him into bed by 9. I don’t only throw blame on his father because I know that I’m at fault as well because I wouldn’t work with my son on his reading in writing but in my defense I was exhausted from work.
I say all this to say that my son is behind in school and I don’t know how to help him. He started going back to school in March. The other kids in his class are writing their names and can recognize letters but he can’t do any of that. I recently went on medical leave so I am at home all day with him and I try to help teach him. His teachers don’t have time to help him catch up and always say that he isn’t a good student. I’ve bought work books,flash cards, and even customized print outs of his name for him to trace. I tried out learning videos on YouTube like Blippi and Ms. Rachel but he shows no interest and would rather use his tablet to play games. He doesn’t like any educational shows and will only watch shows like Pj mask and other things that I think are too overstimulating. I am struggling to get him interested in learning. I know that consistency is important and I work on it everyday but I can’t control what he does at his dad’s house and I definitely can’t keep him from going there without causing problems. However, he has no interest in helping his son because he’s says that he’s tired after work and doesn’t want to be bothered. My daughter was able to recognize letters and type things out when she was 4 even though she didn’t go to preschool due to covid. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Please if you have any tips on how I can teach him to recognize letters and engage in learning I’d greatly appreciate them!

I found out my ex boyfriend got arrested today and the joy I feel is immense. He is a piece of shit and I was blinded by my belief I could “fix” him and bring out his fullest potential. While we were together I dealt with his bullying, as and manipulation thinking he would change, that he was just joking around and didn’t mean to hurt me. While we were together I did everything to help/take care of him. I found/scheduled/did paperwork for an eye dr so he could get glasses because without them he couldn’t get his permit. He was an addict when we met, he said he wanted to get sober so supported him through his withdrawals and detox. His phone broke, I let him use mine whenever he wanted and all his contacts had mine to contact him. I kept him out of jail, being threatened by him while he was drunk trying to fight strangers. I literally did everything for him and all I asked of him was to have a job, he couldn’t even do that because he was too hungover in the mornings and would no call no show work. He’d get blacked out drunk basically leaving me alone so his “friends”, the same friends who would degrade him and subtlety threaten me. Towards the end of the relationship he relapsed and used in front of me (completely disregarding my trauma around drugs and his drug of choice) and that was the final nail in the coffin for me.
At the end of last year he randomly came to my home without any notice, most likely to show off his car. I freaked out and yelled until he left. That caused me to have the worst anxiety attack’s I’ve ever experienced and I fell into a deep depression. I ended up at a csu and had to change meds, it was a rough few months but now I’m doing the best I’ve ever been. I still struggle a lot when it comes to trusting people and letting them in my life but I’m no longer living in fear 24/7.
Well today karma has come his way once again. He got arrested for drug possession, violating conditions of release and driving with a suspended license. A couple months ago he got arrested for driving a stolen car (the same car he showed up to my house with) so I’m thinking that’s how he lost his license and what the violation is about. I’m a firm believer in the rule of 3’s and what I’ve been seeing/hearing it’s in work. Whatever you do, good or bad, will come back to you 3 fold.