“It’s called a grief doll” Dr. Ramos said.
I stared at him like he’d grown a second head.
“A what?” I asked.
I’d agreed to this session to get my mother off my back. Provided, of course, that she also foot the bill. And, truth be told, it hadn’t been an easy couple of months. The word “stillbirth” sounds a lot more peaceful than the reality of it all. You get all the same blood and screaming as a regular birth but with none of the joy afterward. Things are, I guess, “still,” in a way. The silence of the grave.
“I know it’s a little unconventional,” Dr. Ramos said. “But, there’s been some really solid research to back it up recently. My colleague down in Camden–”
I cut him off. “You want me to buy a lifesized recreation of the dead baby that I just gave birth to?”
He looked slightly chastened by this. “I want you to process what happened, Mary. It can help. Look, if what you were already doing was working you wouldn’t be coming here, right?”
I sighed. “Alright. You’re the doctor. Who am I to argue with science?”
We talked a bit more after that, but it’s not really worth recounting here.
***
The next day I went to the address Dr. Ramos had texted me. It was a little building tucked away downtown between the huge tech skyscrapers and offices. When I walked in, the owner, a short man with a scruffy beard, smiled at me and said “You must be Mary.”
I nodded.
“Would you like to sit down? Do you want anything to drink? Anything to eat?”
I shook my head. “I don’t really want to stay here any longer than I have to, if that’s alright with you,” I said to the Rasputin-looking gentleman sitting behind the desk.
“I get it,” he said, nodding gravely. “People come here to get away from something, not to settle down. Do you have the pictures?”
I took them out of my bag. It had been quite a while since I’d needed to get photographs printed out. Ever since the world had gone digital we’ve all become allergic to paper.
“Here they are,” I said to him. These would serve as the model for the doll. He reached out and took them from me, examining them carefully.
“I think I’ve got what I need. I will let you know if I need anything more,” he said, stroking his long beard hypnotically.
I left and drove home. It was a quiet ride. Much more quiet than I’d been used to. Ever since Tim had left there were these little dead spaces throughout the day. He used to fill car rides with excited chatter about protons and leptons and all the -ons he got to work with as a physicist.
My brain had begun to fill these spaces with grim reflections on the past and future:
It’s your fault.
You don’t deserve a baby.
This is God’s way of telling you that you don’t deserve to be alive.
Over and over again these thoughts would run through my mind like the world’s most depressing tape recorder. Vicious, hateful, unbelievable things kept popping into my head as I drove the short distance home, making the trip feel far longer than it actually was.
***
I had taken to staring at the ceiling and crying myself to sleep most nights. The big, empty house felt suffocating at 3 AM, like all the open space was sucking the air out of my lungs every time I opened my mouth. This had been the way I spent most nights since the stillbirth. I tried to fill the silence any way I could. At all hours of the night, one could hear my TV blaring or my phone playing some podcast or another. Anything to avoid the little dead spaces between one task and the next.
But it was most difficult of all when I tried to sleep. I saw images of my little girl when I closed my eyes. I saw the blood and heard my own screams when it became clear that she would never take a breath. There were also subtler forms of self-inflicted torture.
Exactly one month after the worst day of my life, I came home from work to find Tim’s things cleaned out and a note on the kitchen table. It read:
“I’m sorry Mary. I can’t imagine how hard this month has been for you, but every day I stay here is like a knife to the heart. You’re just so sad and I can’t take it anymore.”
That phrase “You’re just so sad” played in a loop in my mind’s ear.
***
Eventually, I won the battle against consciousness. It was a fitful, restless sleep pregnant with terrible things. I felt like I’d lived an entire life come morning. I dreamt that I’d held little Sarah in my hands, that I’d been able to feed her from my own body just like I’d wanted to do for so many years. But as I held her against my chest she melted into a puddle of flesh and blood, yet never ceased to suck, to draw whatever life she could from me, and I was desperate to give it to her. Eventually, she was little more than eyes in a puddle of fleshy blood, staring at me from the ground and whispering “Why didn’t you save me, Mama?”
I woke with a start. Never, not once in my life, had I experienced a dream like this. I sat huddled in my bedsheets, shaking with tears as I saw the image of my melted little girl swirling around on the floor, asking why I hadn’t helped her. Reality seeped back in stages, penetrating the veil of sadness, and shocking me to my feet with the blaring intensity of my phone’s alarm. It was always turned up to full volume because anything lower risked my sleep-addled mind resisting its call to return from the deep. It had always been difficult to tear myself from the land of dreams, and more so after my life began to feel like a nightmare. But lately, sleep offered little respite.
I pulled on my clothes, brushed my hair so that it was halfway presentable, and poured myself a bowl of oatmeal. It was a gray, soggy pile at the bottom of my bowl. In a flash of unwanted connection, my brain superimposed the image of little melted Sarah onto my field of view. I nearly vomited into my bowl, but just then there was a knock on my door.
“Package,” the deep baritone on the other end intoned.
I opened the door and saw the mailman walking away. It occurred to me that nothing was stopping me from asking him out now that Tim had wandered out of my life. But, immediately, my brain stepped in to fill in the blanks:
Why would he want someone like you?
What the hell is wrong with you?
I don’t even want you and I am you.
These thoughts came as easily as my breath, and I had long since stopped trying to challenge them. In all likelihood, they were right. I picked up the package and saw that it was the grief doll. As soon as I got home from work I’d figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with the thing.
As I stepped into the bathroom, the mirror joined my inner voice in confirming my lack of romantic prospects. Deep, black circles formed rings under my eyes. Deeper wrinkles stood out on my forehead and my double chin and – was that a gray hair? Already? Immediately, the thoughts returned.
You’ll be dead at 50 by this rate.
The world won’t miss you.
Why not make it tomorrow?
Again, these suggestions were difficult to challenge with the evidence inches from my eyes.
***
It was hard to care about work. Even at the best of times, it hadn’t been the most fulfilling job in the world, but these days my cubicle felt like a tomb. My job was to call people who had filled out negative reviews for the phone company (I’m sure you know which one, but it’s probably best to leave that unsaid) and ask why.
This was a doubly depressing task because it was both neverending and pointless. How many times in the past month have you picked up a call from a number you didn’t recognize? I’m guessing the answer is lower than one. Almost nobody picked up, and those who did invariably did one of two things: hang up instantly upon realizing who I was or scream invective at me that I would hesitate before repeating to the devil himself.
One particularly creative gentleman suggested I fold myself in half seventeen times to create a black hole and then have intercourse with said hole while my company’s headquarters were sucked into the event horizon. Points for creativity. Deductions for misogyny. Although, in fairness to the man, I have no trouble believing he’d have said something similar to a male rep.
That day only two people picked up. One hung up immediately. The other launched into a tirade of such intensity and fervor that I was worried he wouldn’t make it to the end of the call.
“And another thing!” the man shouted as I quietly ate a sandwich on the other end. “Your website looks like it was designed by some rock monkey with shit for brains and feet for hands!” he screamed at me. This was an insult I hadn’t heard before. Variations on it appeared with some regularity, sometimes with racial overtones. I’m not entirely sure why this was, given that I had no accent identifying me as anything other than white, and in fact I wasn’t. The assumption seemed to be that because I worked in customer service I must be Indian. This leap in logic went unquestioned by a surprising number of my interlocutors. The average consumer of cellular services in this country is a few rocks short of an avalanche themself.
“I’m sorry that our services did not meet your quality and reliability expectations,” I said dryly, reading from the part of the script labeled “negative responses.”
“And I’m sorry that you people haven’t gone back to where you come from!” the man shouted.
“I’m from Omaha sir,” I said.
“Where you’re really from!” he shouted back.
“I’m really from Omaha sir,’ I responded tiredly. “And so is my father and his father, and before that we came over from England.” This prompted a string of racial epithets I’d rather not repeat. The rest of the day went like this, and after a while I defaulted to flatly repeating “I'm sorry that our services did not meet your quality and reliability expectations.”
My faith in humanity dimmed with each passing call. I decided to slip out at 4:00. I figured no one would notice. I figured right.
***
It was Wednesday: trash day. The walk from my apartment to the dumpsters was a dismal affair. Despite gray skies, cold fog and a pounding headache, the excursion did at least deliver the best part of my day. A few guys catcalled me on the way to the curb, and for a moment I felt like something other than a disgusting blob of flesh.
But then the thoughts started back in and made me realize that the men’s comments had not been compliments but acts of aggression. As I dragged the empty trash cans back to my apartment, the men once more yelled out their opinions on my face, my tits, my ass. In response, my mind conjured scenes from my dream – melted flesh, the endless unanswerable question: “Why didn’t you save me, Mama?”
By the time I’d made it back to my apartment I was practically in tears. At that moment, however, I remembered that the doll had been delivered earlier. It was time, I supposed, to open it.
After a few unsuccessful attempts, the package yielded its contents, and I nearly fell over when I saw it for the first time. It looked exactly like Sarah. Her little, premature hands. Her closed, screwed up eyes. Everything.
I held the tiny plastic facsimile against my chest and sobbed into it. I apologized to it over and over again:
“I’m sorry Sarah. I’m so sorry.”
But nothing could have prepared me for the moment that it spoke back:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
I screamed and fell backwards. The floor flew up to meet me and struck the back of my head with overwhelming force, driving the tears out even faster through a combination of momentum and pain.
“What did you say?” I asked, with a shaking voice.
For a moment, the doll was quiet, its little eyes still shut against the world. Then, they snapped open. Its little mouth opened and flopped around like a fish before repeating:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
I threw it across the room. It was an instinct, but a second later, I felt bad. It was like seeing Sarah’s death all over again. The doll screamed and cried.
Why did you hurt me, Mama?
It asked in its sad, childlike voice.
I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I threw up again and again, my body shaking uncontrollably. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t possible. That thing was nothing more than a hunk of colored plastic. When there was nothing left to expel from my stomach except bile, I returned to the front room and slowly approached the doll where it lay in the corner.
Its eyes snapped to mine.
Why did you leave me, Mama?
I picked it up and hurled it out the window. For a moment, I thought that I should try and call the short Russian man who had sold me the monstrosity but then I remembered that it was 8:30 on a Wednesday. Not even Russians have that kind of work ethic.
Instead, I poured a glass of wine with shaking fingers and turned on the TV, desperate for something, anything to break the silence. As the news blared and the alcohol entered my veins, I was almost able to convince myself that the last few minutes hadn’t happened. But then the screen began flashing images of babies in incubators – victims of some war halfway around the world. Protestors marched through the streets, holding images of the poor, malnourished infants, and listing out those they felt were responsible. Before I turned it off, I could have sworn that one of them turned to the screen and said my name.
***
When I did fall asleep, it was only after many hours of crying and shaking. As returned the silence, so returned my certainty that I had heard the doll speaking. But human frailty won the day, and my brain surrendered to darkness once more.
In my dream, I saw Tim holding little Sarah and crying. He held her close and put the tiny baby girl to his face, kissing her again and again. Then he turned to me with an eyeless face and spoke with a toothless mouth:
Why didn’t you save her, Mary?
I tried to scream but in this world I could not make a sound. My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, and I felt like I was breathing in the ocean. Then, little Sarah looked at me with her little melting face and said:
Didn’t you love me, Mama?
When I didn’t answer, the tiny melted eyes burned with rage.
I hate you Mama. Everybody hates you. You throw me out the window?! You should jump out yourself and do the world a favor you worthless sack of human garbage forgotten by God. Why are you even alive you heartless bitch?
I kept trying to scream but nothing would come out. I tried to apologize but could only feel the sensation of water rushing into my lungs. Sarah began to say, over and over:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me–
I woke with a start to find the doll inches from my face. It was shouting at me:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
This time, I did scream, and batted it away from my face. The horrible thing, which somehow had reappeared in my house after I’d thrown it out of a 7th story window, began to sob in the corner where it fell. It looked up at me with its tiny heartbroken eyes and quivering lips as it asked me:
Why did you hurt me, Mama? Do you hate me?
Without thinking, I said, “Of course I don’t hate you, sweetie. Mommy loves you very much.” I froze. What was I doing? This thing wasn’t Sarah. It wasn’t even a person.
Then why did you hurt me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me?
I buried my head in my hands. “I couldn’t save you! I’m sorry!” The tears continued to pour from my eyes in rivers, soaking the arms of my shirt.
You didn’t deserve me, Mama. You coldhearted cunt. You shouldn’t even be alive.
I looked at the thing in shock. Hearing those words in a child’s voice was somehow far worse. It couldn’t stay in my house. Not one second longer. But throwing it out the window hadn’t worked, so I had to come up with another plan. I grabbed the hateful thing and carried it to the fireplace. It screamed all the while, sobbing just like a child in pain.
Don’t burn me Mama! Don’t hurt me! Why are you doing this?
I was undeterred. The fire roared to life, and I hurled it into the hottest part of the blaze as it hurled insults back at me.
Nobody’s ever loved you! Why do you think Tim left, you stupid bitch? If he really loved you, he’d have stayed!
Slowly but surely, the thing melted in the flames. Its little face turned to mush, then to liquid, then to ash. The smell was atrocious, but at least it was gone. I lay panting on the floor, crying but relieved.
Later, I called the Russian man and told him that something was terribly wrong with his doll. He listened to my story, then said, not without empathy:
“Maybe you should go back to this doctor? The one who referred you here?”
It was the most polite way that someone had ever called me crazy. Seeing that this was a mistake, somewhat too late to avoid it, unfortunately, I hung up.
Work was no better than it had been the day before. I listened as people berated me over the phone, and read from my script in a monotone voice. I was no more useful than a robot. As the insults went on and on, I began to dissociate from my body. My mouth said the words in the script, but my brain had no say in the matter. The words simply spilled from me like tears from my eyes.
At lunch, I sat next to Jim. I’d always liked Jim. Had a huge crush on him since the day we’d met. Normally, we took our lunch breaks at different times, but that day the stars aligned. The biggest problem with talking to Jim had always been that we had zero interests in common. But that day, the TV in the break room happened to flip to a channel playing a soccer match. We discovered that we were both huge fans, and finally I had something I could say to him.
Things couldn’t have been going better until I looked down and saw, under the table, something that made me jump a foot in the air.
The doll.
It was staring up at me with its cold eyes and sneering mouth.
You can’t get rid of me, Mama. No matter how much you want to.
Jim looked at me strangely, and I apologized, making some halfhearted excuse that I probably wouldn’t have believed coming from him.
What makes you think he’d be interested in someone like you? Have you looked in a mirror sometime this decade? Unless he’s got a corpse fetish I’d say you’re about two decades too old for him.
I stared down at the doll so long, Jim asked me what was going on. I picked it up, and showed him. When he asked what it was, I hesitated before answering. Eventually, I lied and said that it was a present for my daughter.
“I didn’t know you had a daughter,” Jim said.
“Yeah, I gave birth a couple of months ago,” I replied, which was not technically a lie.
Of course it’s a lie you worthless bitch. If you told him the truth he’d run screaming into the street. The only reason he’s stuck around this long is because there’s only one break room. Nobody will ever love you. Nobody.
“Stop it!” I yelled, before remembering that Jim had no idea what this thing was. He looked at me strangely and I bolted out of the room, sobbing and cursing the malevolent presence in my arms. It cursed me right back:
What the fuck’s wrong with you? Why would you even talk to him? You’re a disgusting pile of shit and vomit unworthy of life. You know what you could do to make Jim’s life better? You could slam your fucking head through a plate glass window and spray the side of the building with blood until you fucking die.
“Stop it!” I shouted, and threw it onto the floor as I ran to my car. But, there it was inside, waiting for me, its hateful sneer plastered onto its tiny, childlike face.
What’s the matter Mary? Can’t handle the truth? Can’t handle knowing that you’re a failure as a mother and the ugliest bitch who ever lived?
I sank to my knees and screamed, holding my head with both hands and begging the hateful thing to stop. But it didn’t. It kept pummeling me with insults and threats until I couldn’t take it one second longer. I got into the driver’s seat and floored the accelerator, taking the car onto the freeway, then to the nearest exit, then right off the edge of a cliff.
As the car soared through the air, there was a tiny moment of quiet before gravity took over. It was only an instant, but in that instant I realized that I was going to die. So for the first time in weeks, I smiled.
***
The next thing I can remember is tremendous pain. My eyes hadn’t even opened yet, but even though the world was dark, it was still full of suffering. Then, in the next instant, my eyes flew open. There, at the edge of the bed, looking at me with all the hate in the world, was a familiar hateful face.
Welcome back to the land of the living, bitch. Couldn’t even get suicide right, could you?
I had no energy left to sob. Instead, I hung my head in defeat, looking at the tiny hunk of plastic staring up at me and wishing to God that I’d chosen a higher cliff. Soon, a man in a white lab coat walked in and smiled.
“Hello Mary,” he said.
“How do you know my name?” I asked.
“They checked your wallet when they pulled you out of the car. Your driver’s license was right on top,” he replied, still smiling.
“Right,” I said, not smiling back.
“I’m not going to lie to you, that was a close call there. But you’re going to be okay. Would you mind answering a few questions?”
I immediately became wary, but nodded my head.
“Before the accident, do you recall feeling lightheaded or dizzy?
I shook my head.
“Any alcohol or drug use?”
I shook my head.
“Okay, good. And have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself in the past week?”
This was the question I’d been waiting for. I shook my head again, knowing that an affirmative answer would mean at least a 3-day psychiatric hold. As soon as they learned about the doll, God knows how long it’d last.
“Excellent. You should be able to get out of here in a couple of days. You’ll have to be careful with those casts, but everything will be okay.” I nodded again, and he left. The doll popped its little face back off the bedsheets and set itself right back to its task: destroying my mind and soul. As the night wore on, I sat there, frozen, as it continued to pound me with reminders of my inadequacies, my faults, my failures. From time to time, I had to stand and it stood with me, clinging to my hospital gown as I made my way to the bathroom, to the cafeteria or to have one test or another performed. From that moment on, it was never quiet, though I seemed to be the only one who could hear it. Whether it was reminding me of that time in 3rd grade when Johnny Welkins had rejected me in front of the entire class, or the time that I’d sat through an entire date before realizing my shirt was on inside out, or berating me about letting the original Sarah die, it was always saying something degrading and humiliating.
By then, I’d become numb to the abuse. I never responded or argued. I never fought back or tried to get rid of it. Once or twice, I accidentally crushed it under my foot, but it always ended up right back where it had started: on my hospital bed, eyes burning with rage and lips firing off insult after insult.
***
The last night I was in the hospital, I dreamt of Tim. I dreamt of the last time that I’d seen him before he disappeared forever. He stood in the doorway, blocking it with a stern face and large hands. I kept trying to push past him, but he wouldn’t let me. Eventually, we fought, and he threw me to the floor. I landed on my stomach so hard all the air flew out of my lungs.
When I woke, the doll was standing over me, and it had gone back to its familiar mantra:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
I sighed and focused on filling out the discharge forms that the nurse had left. They were long and boring, and it was no simple task to complete them with the doll repeating its horrible question again and again and again. Eventually, I finished, and an orderly wheeled me out to my car, the doll clinging to my shoulder and shouting abuse into my ear.
A single tear fell from my eye and rolled down my cheek as I climbed in to the driver’s seat and started the engine.
***
When I arrived home, I collapsed on my bed and began to weep. I wept like a child. I wept so loud in fact that I couldn’t even hear the doll as it broke down my door and resumed berating me. But I ignored it. I ignored it as I made dinner. I ignored it as I took out the trash. I ignored it as I returned to bed and tried to sleep. But it wouldn’t stop. Finally, it got close to my face and screamed right into my ear:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
And, for the first time since the accident, I replied, shouting: “What do you want from me?! I couldn’t save you, Sarah! I couldn’t!”
Liar! You could’ve saved me! You know you could’ve!
In that instant, it finally pushed me past my breaking point. I picked it up and shook it as hard as I could, screaming: “What could I have done? What was I supposed to do? What do you want from me?! Why are you doing this to me?!” The doll looked at me with cold, hateful eyes and said:
You could’ve stopped Tim.
I froze. “What do you mean?” I asked.
You know what I mean, Mama. You know what he did. Why didn’t you stand up to him? Why didn’t you stop him?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I shouted.
Yes you do. You know exactly what I’m talking about.
“No!” I shouted. “No, I couldn’t stop him!” But even as I said it, I knew it was a lie.
We both know why the stillbirth really happened, don’t we, Mary?
I shook uncontrollably and ran into the backyard to get away from the doll, but it only appeared right in front of me, scowling down at me as I tripped and fell. It pointed to the ground and began to raise its little arms. The ground shook and trembled and I shouted at it, begged it to stop, but it was too late. In one enormous burst the ground split open and a body fell next to me.
It was Tim.
Why didn’t you save me from him, Mary?
The doll asked. I continued sobbing, but managed to respond, “I couldn’t save you Sarah. But I could get you justice.”
The doll’s face softened a little, and for the first time, the fire went out of its eyes. It crawled up next to me and buried its little face into my chest, and let me hold it, just like I’d always wanted to do.
I stroked its hair and whispered to it, over and over again, “I would’ve saved you if I could.”
And in its tiny, childlike voice, the doll replied, “I know.” Then it closed its little eyes, nuzzled close into my chest, and heaved a heavy sigh before never moving again.

Hey I’m Zone! I am looking for potential friends or just a straight up relationship, preferably monogamous.
I would like to find my forever person, I have a lot of love to share and I’m quite clingy. My main form of love is touch, but I also like kind words and quality time. So eventually I would like to call sometime!
I am pretty laid back for the most part, I also like joking a lot but I have brain rot humor sometimes, and I also do say the most random things but my friends always find me to be pretty funny, so yeah I am silly!
If it ever comes down to interests I have quite a few, video games (I mainly play roblox if you’re gonna ask, but I do have steam games), anime, drawing, reading, cooking, and music! (I love Foo Fighters and Red Hot Chili Peppers) I can pretty much do a lot but I spend most of my time with my friends because it’s always nice to be talking to someone.
Physically I am pretty skinny, I only weigh 160 and I’m 5’10, I go to the gym occasionally so I’m around average, I am also white. I have short hair currently, but I have had pretty long hair and that’s kinda my thing so I plan on growing it out again.
Oh yeah I also do kinda have a baby face so I look 14, but yeah. I kinda am learning towards being feminine but I’ve always been closeted anyway out of worry, but I am very much open to it lol.
Oh well, if this has your attention feel free to DM me! I have discord and I mainly use that for communication but I do have snap also if it’s needed. Send me your favorite song so I know you read this far, but besides that thank you! :)

It hated the screams. The creature underneath it struggled and continued releasing its guttural high-pitched vocalizations. Thrashing and throwing its limbs around, as it was slowly consumed. Limbs soon went still and the screaming fell silent. Emptiness. The body had died and was now nothing more than flesh to be devoured and assimilated. How unfortunate for the creature, but in order to heal its damage and return from this undiscovered world, it needed to gather resources and blend in with its society.
Fortunately, this species was sapient. This specific one beneath it wore clothing, understood patterns, and could vocalize repeated sounds that it could only assume were words in its rudimentary language. It moved up to the creature’s head after it had devoured most of its body. The brain was the most important part, and needed to be consumed immediately in order to gain its memories.
As it devoured the creature’s brain, small sparks of the deceased’s thoughts flooded its mind. All of the sapient’s knowledge, all their memories, subconscious thoughts and behaviors flowed through as information to every cell in its body. All this creature’s experiences, emotions, habits, and preferences. All of the creature’s small quirks and idiosyncrasies were fed into it as the body molded and became one, as if a data bank.
I see now. It thought. This was a female of this planet’s dominant species. They are called… humans.
It stood up. As the mold of flesh which was its body began to mold itself. Cells began to shape and harden into a bone, following the structure and anatomy of the human it had just consumed. Coating the recreated skeletal figure with ligaments to hold the structure together. Skeletal muscles and organ tissue formed in its proper places. Nerves and arteries were meticulously placed in their proper configurations. Capillaries. Veins. They were then covered by a layer of fat, and fat deposits were increased on its chest area and backside. Mammary glands, ovaries, egg cells, fallopian tubes, bladder, and uterus.
Throat and neck muscles were shaped the way they were, reviving the human female’s original voice, while the rest of its body began to close up by a thin layer of flesh and skin. Small hairs were sprouted all around the body, with some more than others. The brain began to fully form, and the facial features were completely indistinguishable from that female it had consumed. Hair on its head began to grow and multiply to the hundreds of thousands of individual strands, reaching down to its shoulders.
There in the darkness of the street, stood a lone woman without any clothes. At least, the body of one. It… no, she had taken on the woman’s complete identity. Her personality, gender, identity, memory, age, name, and shape, belonged to it now. She was the woman she had just devoured in the dark of the night.
“How… intriguing,” she said, testing out her voice. “So this is what it’s like to be this species.” She clicked her tongue, whistled, and snapped her fingers.
“This world may be a new feeding ground, with such rich genetic data and diversity,” she said, looking through her victims' memories. The woman was studying to be a wildlife biologist before she was ambushed and eaten alive. Now her knowledge served as an intriguing critique and collection of the biodiversity the planet had to offer. Animals of different species flashed in her mind. Felines, canines, reptiles, apes, amphibians, fish, and the like. Even images of livestock and pets were seen as she rummaged through the recesses of the mind she ate.
“Very interesting. It had been… a long time since my species found a world this rich. Devouring it would be truly splendid. A jump up the evolutionary tree with the treasure trove of traits. Nature has really invested in this planet.”
Humans were the most interesting to her, as she reviewed childhood memories and historical studies. A society unlike anything she had ever encountered in previous sapient species her kind had assimilated and eaten. Though this was the first sapient she had ever consumed, she was filled with excitement. She grinned widely, in an impossible way. Eyes appeared in her hair and jagged teeth of several rows shone under the light of the night sky as she literally smiled from ear to ear.
Her excitement brimmed in her chest, causing it to beat faster than anticipated. What interesting reactions this body has. I wonder what more I could discover.
“Hey!” A voice called out, making her turn her head in its direction. Her body returned back to its normal human state in an instant. It was a young man wearing a coat and a hat on his head, waving at her. “Do you need help? Are you hur— wait Zee? Is that you?!” he hurried toward her.
The woman quickly scoured her mind for memories of this man who seemed to recognize her, however, before she could, her body reacted first. The burning sensation in her cheeks and an odd knot in her chest. Her eyes dilated and a strange feeling overcame her. What is this? Why the sudden reaction? She recognizes this human male for sure but… oh.
She finally found it. The memory resurfaced before she could even call it to herself. This woman had feelings for this male. They were hidden, unspoken feelings, but feelings nonetheless. No wonder she had reacted so strongly.
“H-hey! Francis! I uh…” she stammered, adopting and following her mind’s flow of information. The synapses of her past interactions followed naturally and she copied her mannerisms completely.
“Zee, you’re naked! W-what in the name of—”
“I-I got attacked!”
“A-attacked? Who did this to you?! Were you hurt?!” Francis spoke with urgency, immediately taking off his coat and placing it around her. This woman’s feelings are flaring up again. Azrael Heathers, what an interesting name. It’s close enough to my real one. Azrael, Az, Zee; nicknames this human had given me in past encounters. This affection for him is strong and lasting, her subconscious mind is flooding me. My mind is flooding me.
“I’m f-fine. T-the m-man got away. I don’t know who it was but…”
“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay,” he replied. “Let’s get you to your apartment and we will report this to the authorities in the morning. We should—”
“No!”
“N-no?”
“It’s okay… I’m afraid that if we report this, that person might come back for me,” she lied, putting on a pleading face and clinging to his arm. “Just… stay with me tonight. Please? I don’t think I can fall asleep alone after that.”
“I-I…”
Zee held on to him tighter, squeezing his arm. “Please. I’m scared, Fran.”
Francis bit his lip and slowly shook his head. “Okay, it’s okay,” he replied. “I’ll stay with you tonight. Nothing will ever get through your doors so long as I’m there. Does this ease your thoughts?” he said.
Zee nodded. “Thank you, you’re always kind to me,” she sniffled. Oh you foolish human. Once we’re alone I will devour you too. I cannot wait to see how you taste. Will you scream just like Azrael? Will you look on with horror and disgust? Perhaps you will lay there shocked beyond your mind’s comprehension. Oh, what a rush!
The young man sighed. “It’s just the right thing to do. Besides, I cannot abandon a friend, especially not in this situation,” he said. “Now come, let’s get you to your apartment. Okay?”
“O-okay…” And then you shall be my second meal!
As the two headed back to her apartment, Azrael looked around the buildings and of the city around her and compared it to her memories. Possible feeding grounds, places to gather materials to fix her craft, a transmission device that could send messages to her brethren in deep space. Steel. Iron. Brick. Lead. Copper.
It’s becoming increasingly clear that this species is very rudimentary. No long ranged communications. No advanced computing technology. Not even advanced electronics! How backwards is this world! Ugh, such a barbaric and uncivilized species. Even this woman’s memories show nothing of value. Their most advanced transmission device is a box that uses radio waves for communication!
She grunted, shaking her head.
“Is something wrong, Zee?”
“Nothing, my head just hurts.”
“Then we should hurry.”
The two picked up the pace until they finally reached her apartment just a few blocks down the street. They entered inside and went up the stairs, heading for the first room to the side of the staircase. Francis went straight for the bed, leading Zee by the hand and sitting her down on it. “Just rest here, I’ll heat up some water and prepare you a warm bath. Everything will be alright, just take it easy.”
He went toward the faucet and began filling up a pot with water before heating up the stove. He opened up the compartment under it and checked if there was wood, and lit the wood with the lighter he pulled from his pocket. He placed the pot on top of the iron stove and nodded to himself. “Right, this should be ready in a few minutes. I’ll set up the bath for you. It should heat you up immediately.”
He looked back at Zee who was visibly shivering, keeping the coat close to her body and covering herself.
“D-do you mind if I go through your cabinet? I’ll find you some fresh clothes.”
“Are you sure you won’t do any perverted things to my clothes?”
Francis instantly went red and waved his arms around. “N-no! Of course not! I was just simply trying to help. I-if that is too much of an invasion of privacy, please forgive my statement.”
Good. He’s off guard and flustered. Now is my time to eat him up. What knowledge can you give me, Francis?
“You’re too kind, Fran. There aren’t many people like you.”
Francis let out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head. “Well, I believe a lot of people in this world are good. If there weren’t, then life would be hardly worth living at all. B-but really, it’s people like you who inspire me, Zee. You’re the best of us.”
Really? What an interesting human. Does he not know that his species is destructive and self-serving? According to historical documents from Zee’s memories, your kind’s legacy is war and bloodshed. Slavery. Destruction of life and the extinction of fauna. The exploitation and annihilation of your own species’ tribes. What good can there be in the rest of humanity? According to this woman’s own beliefs, you are the outlier here. That’s why she chose to study and work with animals rather than your kind.
“W-what do you mean?” Zee asked.
The young man chuckled softly, giving her a nod. “Well, I mean. I’ve always admired you. You were always so vocal about the preservation of life and endangered species, even if no one else shared your passion. You are kind to animals, and were always fascinated by them. Very few people care that much, but you do. Your kindness doesn’t extend only to people, but to all things,” he explained. “Remember that one time when you saved a baby canary that had fallen from its nest?”
“Yes…”
“You were careful with it and helped it back up. But when its own mother rejected it, what did you do?”
“I took it home and cared for it until it was old enough to be set loose.”
“Exactly. You were so careful, even buying a syringe just to feed it like how a mother bird would. You could gently tap on the canary and you documented every day of its growth. I’ve never seen someone like that before. It’s why I like you. Many people often neglect the part where we have to nurture nature as much as ourselves, and to do so with kindness and love.”
“Thank you. Did you also just say that you like me..?” Zee asked. How interesting. Does this human male share the same affection Azrael does? This female had not yet experienced sexual relations with another, perhaps it would be an enriching experience on human connection. Hm, should I try it with this male? Maybe not.
“A-ah! I mean… a-as a friend! You’re someone I look up to, and well, we’ve been close friends. There’s no way I would lie and say that I didn’t like you. You are a very likable person after all.”
What… a nice thought. It’s unfortunate that I have to eat you, Francis. Oh, well.
“Oh, Francis. That’s very nice of you. However, I’m very hungry now, and I’m afraid that this is where we part.”
“O-oh uhm, I don’t have any food on me. Maybe I could cook something up from the cabi—” Francis choked on his words as he fell on his back. “Z-Zee?! W-what—!” he stammered looking up at the woman in front of him.
Azrael had stood up from the bed and her hair floated in the air, moving as if like the tendrils or tentacles of a cephalopod. A large maw with rows of jagged teeth appeared on her stomach, opening vertically as if her midsection had ripped apart to reveal prehensile tongues several feet long. Her lips curved up to reveal a mouth of fangs and sharp canines. Her jaw unhinged like a snake’s. Eyes appeared on her cheeks and other parts of her body. Additional mouths sprouted from the palms of her hands and her thighs. Her fingers morphed into razorlike talons, and insectoid mandibles sprouted from the sides of her midsection… possibly to hold prey in place while it was consumed.
“Thank you for the lovely time, Fran. I enjoyed the company,” Zee spoke without moving her lips. In fact, it almost sounded like her voice rang in Fran’s head. As if she had spoken to his mind directly. The young man’s lips quivered in fear as he crawled away from the monster in front of him. He felt his back against the door, and his legs went numb.
“Z-Zee… w-what—”
“I will have a nice time devouring you, Fran.”
“N-no… No! Please don’t do this! H-how did this… what are you?!”
“You don’t need to know. Just know that it will all be over soon.”
“No! Please! Z-Zee, I know you! T-this isn’t like you! I-I’m your friend, please!”
The tendrils stretched out and wrapped around Francis’ arms. Slowly pulling him towards her gaping maw. “No! No! Please stop this! I-I don’t know what happened to you but this isn’t you! You’re kind! Y-you’re gentle and caring! W-we’ll find whatever or whoever turned you into t-this! We’ll get them behind bars!”
Tears began to form in the young man’s eyes as he struggled against her grip. “Zee, please! Please! I’m begging you! I-I won’t tell a soul! Please! I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! Azrael! Azrael, don’t! Please!”
“I am not Azrael anymore. I devoured her like I’m about to you,” Zee revealed.
“T-then who… what…”
“I am Azryvlv’toth. A voraciocite. My kind eats and evolves. We infiltrate, devour, and destroy entire civilizations. Yours is no different. As soon as I repair my ship, my kind will come flocking to your world, and we shall feast upon all its life!”
“N-no… Z-Zee would never do that…”
“That is your mistake. I am no longer her. This world is meant to be consumed, and so are you.”
“No… please…”
As Azryvlv’toth dragged Francis closer and closer to her jaws, her head was flooded by thoughts. It annoyed her but she paid them no mind at first. However, the thoughts began to pool one after another. Emotions, feelings, logic, and her victim’s memories all began battering her mind. Sorrow, fear, panic, care, and an instinctual drive to protect. She felt her resolve wavering as the thoughts and emotions affected her actions. Her heart beat rapidly. Her legs threatened to give out under her weight, and her arms shook with intensity.
She grunted and dipped her head down, placing her hands on her temples. Growling, fighting something akin to a second voice in her head. Is this what happens when you eat and assimilate a sapient?! Was it because it was my first time that I had not properly separated Azrael’s thoughts from my own? No, she's dead. She cannot think. Yet, her memories and instincts are screaming at me!
She hissed and suddenly pulled her tentacles back, letting go of Francis and reverting back to her human form. She shook her head and pulled at her hair, letting out a scream that dripped with frustration. “Ugh, fuck! Fine! You win, Zee!” she yelled out.
“W-what…” Francis clutched his chest, backing away with confusing and horror still evident on his face. “A-are you… Zee, i-is that you?”
“Huh,” Azrael shook her head. “I can’t kill you.”
“Y-you can’t..?”
“She won’t let me. What dumb luck you have, Francis. This woman’s mind loves you too much.”

Hey guys... As the title says, I am trying to find the best gift for my brother's birthday which is coming weekend and I just don't know what to get him, being the first time I am doing this... Please share your recommendations. P.S he is an arsenal fan, he likes to watch anime and he is a very talented artist. He can draw very well on computer and on paper.

Me (25yo) and my boyfriend (25yo) recently found out that I am pregnant. We are together almost for a year and we want to stay together, he really is an amazing person. The problem is we never wanted to have a baby. I don't even like kids, I am 100% animal person. I always imagined my life without a kid, where I can do many fun things, have more savings etc. However, now that I found out, even if our first reaction was to terminate asap, now I am not so sure anymore. Having a tiny human, created by two people loving each other is exciting me a little. My boyfriend is also confused about it all, but he told me no matter what I decide to do with my body, he will support that. So if I terminate - he is okay with that, and if I keep it - he is thrilled about being a dad. I know we would have a lot of support from our families, also we are not teenagers anymore. Still tho, I already kind of feel bad about giving up on childfree life, sacrificing our time and I really think that could be a lovely, easy and without any worries life (or at least thats how I imagine t). What if we are not going to like having a kid? I dont want to ruin our lives and take all of our freedom. Anybody was in a similar situations, or knows someone? I need to decide something soon and all opinions are so helpful.

• forewarning, this is kinda a dump of my life and memories. its long. but i want your guys opinion on if the things i remember point to sexual trauma. -

Throwaway. As the title says. For awhile I've kinda joked that maybe something happened to me as a kid because I did a lot of inappropriate stuff but 🤷 I thought everyone did it too. As far back as I can remember, I was always fixated on my genitals. I remember trying to take pictures of them with my tablet (unsuccessfully) and like, touching them with objects. I also remember pretending that someone was looking at them or "examining" them quite frequently. I also remember pretending to use objects to penetrate my stuffed animals. Thankfully I never thought to try anything with other kids. Very thankful for that. Our bathtub also had jets so I discovered that and masturbating very early on, probably around five. That was the extent of it until I got my own tablet at around 8/9 and developed a raging porn addiction. I'd sit up in my bed just consuming porn for hourrsssss. I masturbated relatively frequently. I'd say the porn addiction was most intense from ages 8/9 till 14/15 maybe? I still had it until 16/17 but it definitely calmed down. I remember in middle school day dreaming sexual scenarios with classmates. I didn't really have crushes on any of them or anyone. To fall asleep every night I'd fantasize then too. When I turned about 13 and started actually getting crushes it was weird then too. I always kept a subconscious list of who I was most attracted too, who I wanted the most. I was only friends with people with the intention of getting in their pants eventually. (For context I'm a woman and my sexuality has fluctuated a bit, but that not relevant to this). I was always generally flirty and sexual, and it was offputting to a lot of people. When I did get in to relationships I LOVED sexting and would do it as much as I could, hours at a time. However in person I struggled greatly with anxiety and intimacy issues. I'd be EXTREMELY anxious before, during, and after seeing anyone. But as soon as I was home I'd fantasize again. It was a nasty cycle that always ended in me breaking things off because when I was with them I felt nothing, anxiety, or just... this awful sickly bad feeling. Specifically after my first kiss which was consesual I just... I felt SO horrible and bad and just this nasty feeling in my chest.. I couldn't sleep at all that night. I broke it off the next morning. And this was just cuddling and kissing people, no sex. I thought about sex almost all the time. Eventually when I did start using my hands and penetrating myself, my vagina was always painful to penetrate or didn't feel anything at all. My ass however, felt very good and I had a huge anal fixation for a long time. This is relevant to what I remember. Anyways, as time went on and I got more experience and I was able to enjoy physical contact and eventually sex but its taken a long time. It's still an addiction for me now (not porn but just sex in general) and I'm aware of it but I can keep it in check.
There's one specific thing I remember. I've always remembered it every now and again but its like, just now at 19 hitting me how bad it probably is. Warning for the next stuff, its the stuff I've been remembering lately.

• i remember taking baths with my dad and using his... you know as a toy. just a toy but.... he didn't stop me. he never did. he'd lay back and id sit between his legs and just do whatever i was doing. i remember this happening multiple times but that's all.
  
• Ive also been told I struggled with constipation as a baby and my dad... manually removed it once. Which I looked it up and that is extremely not recommended to do on yourself. Can't imagine it's recommended for a baby either. This one specifically is bothering me because I recently learned about VCUG procedures and that its been proven they have similar effects on a child as r. I feel like this that happened to me could uh. Definitely have the same effect.
  
• Other things to note is I have never done anything sexual with a man and find penises EXTREMELY disturbing and repulsive. To an unhealthy degree. I am pretty scared of men in general and very suspicious/untrusting of them. The thought of a man touching me is deeply disturbing and makes me feel gross to think about. God, I had an incestuous dream about my father once and it was so fucking awful.
  

I feel lost and confused and disgusted. I want to bury these memories and never think of them again. However I also want to heal and move on. Any insight is appreciated, thanks.

Alright you haters. I did it. I did it and i was right. When we had a moment alone together he took the time to tell me he read my letter. He said it was really sweet and he was glad that i was understanding of his position. He smiled🥰. I told him about how i had posted my decision on reddit, telling him that people said he would ‘report me for harassment’ and that ‘i should look for another job’. He said that wasnt the case at all since I wasn’t harassing him or pressing him for a relationship. I really do love him so much😖. Eat ass haters😤.
Here is the letter i gave him (i typed it out specifically for yall since it was written on paper) 😘-
“ I should be sleeping rn but i cant. Probably because i took my welbutrin lol. Let me preface this by saying i know your job is important to you. And i would never ever do anything to jeopardize that. I still regret when i asked about you when i was first hired. I remember how sad and confused you looked. I will never make you feel like that ever again. Well ill try anyway. My intention for writing this letter is… to clear the air of sorts. I know i can be outgoing and my actions a bit confusing. I am not writing this in hopes of anything that would get you fired. Im sorry. Im sorry but i love you. I try not to. I tried to find things about you to dislike. Hence why i asked for dirt on you. Because i felt myself falling and got scared. But that backfired because when i heard about your flaws i saw you as an imperfect person. And i fell in love with that imperfect person. Against my better judgment. What idiot falls in love with their manager? I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love the way you are particular about your hair. I love your silly jokes. I love watching you work. I love the way you say my name. I love your voice. I love how seriously you take your job. I love how you treat the people around you. I love you lol. Honestly maybe this is your fault for being so adorable. My aunt told me she would ship me back to Cleveland if i lost my job. And my ex best friend (yes the one i told you about) told me this was a bad idea. Im sorry for inconveniencing you with my emotions. I dont want anything from you. I dont want to do anything that would make you loose your job. But I had to tell you. Im sorry. Please dont be mad… ill get over you someday… though i wont want to. But right now, just be patient with me. Also thanks for moving my stock cart the other night. I get nervous whenever you do that kind of thing. I always think "am i moving too slow?" "Am i not doing good enough?". My hand hurts so i have to stop writing now. But just know, you can tell me to do anything. To you i pledge my undying loyalty 😊

• diana

Also watch all the anime. Not just tenjo tenge. I recommended them cause I thought youd like them. “
***the recommended anime were tenjo tenge, maison ikkoku, and moributo guardian of the spirit

This is NOT medical advice. After removing what seems like every food from my diet and following a strict elimination diet of eating no more than four foods and baby having blood in stool for over 8 weeks and excessive mucus I have decided to read papers upon papers of the studies and research out there regarding blood in baby stool or persistent symptoms despite maternal food elimination. I think I have come to a hypothesis and wish I had the time and energy to write a second thesis lol! So a study on the Characteristics of allergic colitis in breast-fed infants in the absence of cow’s milk allergy found that all the BF infants who continued to have blood in stool regardless of maternal elimination all eventually stopped bleeding after 3 months. They found that those who went on an amino acid formula stopped bleeding within 3 weeks max but took those who decided to continue BF 9 weeks max to be blood free. Both groups seemed to be the same at the 6 month follow up. The authors of this study concluded that those babies who continue showing symptoms esp blood in stool after 4 weeks of eliminating dairy may have several allergies that they eventually grow out of. Another review titled “World Allergy Organization (WAO) Diagnosis and Rationale for Action against Cow's Milk Allergy (DRACMA) guidelines update – X – Breastfeeding a baby with cow's milk allergy” discussed many important factors in deciding for or against maternal elimination diets including the very low amounts of cows milk proteins that are found in the breastmilk of mothers who drink a whole cup full of cows milk. What was especially interesting in this review was the consideration that there may be a cross reaction between cows milk and human milk (the cross reaction between dairy and soy is why mothers of infants with CMPA are advised to remove soy too). Now the cross reaction comes from certain protein components or fragments of protiens that are found in BOTH cows milk and human milk.
Now my hypothesis is that different infants are allergic to different protein fragments in cows milk (like whey or Casein or whatever) and those that are allergic to the protein fragment that is present in both cows milk and human milk are the ones who will continue to show symptoms (such as blood in stool) despite maternal strict elimination of cows milk (and anything else) because the immune response basically thinks the mothers milk and cows milk are the same. Those whos symptoms clear up after 2-4 weeks or whatever time frame are the infants that are allergic to the protein fragments that are only found in cows milk and not in human milk. Eventually for some reason babies stop having an immune response to cows milk usually after 3 months anyway regardless of being on AA formula, or diet changes (although AA formula clear up much faster because according to my hypothesis they dont have any of the proteins at all). The other hypothesis is that it could be a developed lactose intolerance after a virus or either or. The idea of multiple allergies is interesting but I’m finding it hard to find research to back this up even though anecdotally it seems like a thing…
Anyway more research is desperately needed because so many mothers are robbed from the joy and needed quality of life due to these crazy elimination diets and spiral trying to figure it all out… what if there is nothing we can stop eating that will fix it and all we can do is reduce symptoms by removing cows milk and soy? What if unless baby has a bowel disease they will eventually just grow out of it all? Or unless they develop the other type of allergy.

https://preview.redd.it/8udj6819dp5d1.jpg?width=254&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=513fcaf025793c6eecef275b56adfc8f809cea3c
https://preview.redd.it/77cr1119dp5d1.jpg?width=254&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e1b14180c4544a0e7ae71facd5930fd0bb63efc7
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So yesterday I installed some extra mods. Among others, Vanilla framework, furniture, furniture props and cooking. (the other mods had nothing to do with furniture) And now I can no longer find my shelves in my furniture. Can anyone tell me how to get them back? I can't even click a shelf I already have and then build a copy anymore.
SOLVED: Vanilla Expanded Furniture put my furniture back as none researched

I adopted a 1yr 7month old female German Shepard mix named Xena in February 2024. I was living in my (pet friendly) dorm room alone as I had no roommate. For some more context I go to college in Washington (state) but I’m from/my family lives in Mississippi.
I think it’s important to know why I adopted this dog: Earlier (2023) I was told by my psychiatrist and medical team that a service dog would benefit me. I was originally going to get a puppy from a reputable breeder, but because it was my first year of college and I didn’t know if I’d have a roommate or not I decided against getting the puppy. When I came back for my 2ed semester I started looking at rescues as an option. I am very familiar with rescues as my mom has fostered rescues since I was in middle school, and I was the one who would teach the fosters basic commands. While I did not bring up SD’s to my medical/psyc person, I had been weighing if I thought one would benefit me since I was a freshmen in highschool. So I have been doing a large amount of research on Service dogs and dog breeds since I was 14. I have been consistently, since that age, reading books and experiences online with different types of dogs and choosing dogs for service dog work as well as how one goes about picking puppies/dogs for service dog work. I was in contact with a reputable breeder of Belgian Shepards who has had 2 successful service dogs and several successful therapy dogs. But again I declined the puppy because I didn’t know how my schedule would change. Since I was planning for a non standard breed already I was 100% prepared for the very likely outcome of the dog washing, both me and my mom (who is financially responsible for me) where ok with this. We both agreed that if my 1st dog washed she would keep the dog and I would get in contact with a lab breeder that has produced many successful sd’s.
I adopted her from animal control Washington. Before adopting her she had 3 previous homes and was at the shelter 3 times; her first 2 homes gave her to/back to animal control and the 3rd time she was found wandering around so animal control took her. I asked if anyone gave a reason for giving her to animal control, the staff at animal control said no. She had no bite history, and while dogs always act different in shelters than to the outside world, the several times I met her, took her for walks, etc. she seemed motivated, drive-y, confident, and person oriented. She also already knew her name and how to sit.
Several times before adopting her I asked a few different questions to different staff members (as I saw/played/walked her several times before adopting her- animal control did not do foster to adopt which I would have preferred but it was not an option). These questions included the following: Is she dog aggressive? Is she same-sex aggressive? Is she leash reactive/aggressive? Does she resource guard against other dogs?
I asked other things ofc but I want to point these out. As ALL of the staff members I asked at the kennel told me she was none of those things. They also knew that Xena may become my SD candidate.
Quickly I want to share my experiences with her at college: The first day I brought her to my dorm she was reactive to another dog on leash. I chalked it up to new environment/new everything. But this was not the case. (She has been ‘washed’ since the first day I got her, I have just been focusing on her reactivity & basic commands- she is a pet and not a candidate to be my SD for a loong time)
Since then she has improved majorly with her leash reactivity. We can move out of the way and she can sit and make consistent eye contact with me while other dogs pass even if they are lunging/barking at her.
Since that point everything was going well she picked up on things a bit slow but once she understood she was quick to offer the behavior when asked. I was unaware of any other “issues” she might have had.
But then I returned home to Mississippi- my mother flew up to help drive me back to MS. My mother frequently fosters dogs she has since I was in middle school, she was/is currently fostering 2 dogs a 2yr old neutered male, and a soon to be neutered 5month old puppy. While she was away to help me move back + another 2 days to adjust, another fostering person for the organization temporarily kept the 2 foster dogs. At my parents home we have one dog who’s been with the family since I was in middle school, he’s a 50lbs neutered male named Buddy.
While at college I knew no one else with dogs and since Xena doesn’t have solid recall I did not want to take her to a dog park. Xena immediately once home in MS started resource guarding toys from Buddy. (Buddy has 0 interest in toys and was only trying to get by her). So we quickly picked up all the toys and only allow Xena to have them when we are alone. The day before the 2 fosters were returning to the house I was sitting on the couch scrolling on my phone and wasn’t paying attention to the dogs as they had gotten along well since the toys where allotted to alone time. Buddy was laying close to the wall near me on the floor, I knew Xena walked up to him and before I could register anything they where fighting. (It turns out that my mom had given Buddy a ball without my knowledge or me noticing he had one near him, as he was just laying there doing nothing). Xena managed to tear Buddy’s ear before I could get her away. Buddy needed no stitches but his ear is still permanently torn a bit now.
We kept an eye on Buddy and xena since then they had been fine, they generally just stayed away from each other. She gets along fine with the other 2 fosters and will play with both of them. Fast forward to the 5th (last Wednesday). I let xena out of my room at 10am because I was tried and knew I needed to sleep in. So after letting her out my mom took care of her and the other dogs. At 12pm I finally got up, xena greeted me at the baby/dog gate to the back of the house, and she was walking behind me. As I approached the kitchen Buddy came to stand in the door way and then walked a bit more forward Xena immediately started “herding him” for lack of a better term away from me, Buddy was retreating to go back to my mom in the kitchen, and as I was about to call Xena off she and him broke out in another fight. I managed to get her away quicker this time; and since then we have been rotating the house space between her and Buddy & the fosters. She has been supervised playing with the 2 fosters outside.
I think she might also be either very quick to claim things as ‘hers’ or she’s very,, gaurd-y with other females (idk if aggression is the right word as she never attacked the dog). My older brother has a senior German Shepard spayed female named Nala. Nala came over with her humans on the Friday of the first week we brought her to MS. We took them both into the backyard to greet each other, Xena seemed a bit stand-offish, but when Nala came to greet me; Xena immediately got in between me and Nala and started barking at Nala, when we where outside and Xena was away I approached Nala on my own to greet her as soon as I did Xena immediately came between me and her a me and her and growled so I walked off and called Xena over. Later when we were inside we kept them separate but when Nala went to get a drink from the water bowls, Xena immediately broke her down stay to get between Nala and the water bowls and growled. I kenneled Xena because I didn’t want things to escalate any further.
She had never shown this kind of guarding behavior to the 2 fosters, and didn’t show it to our family dog till last week.
When walking her she is now also stoping to stare/ or starts to pull ahead when she sees some people (only started when I returned to MS). I won’t even be anxious/feel anything about a person and she’ll stop and stare at some of them and if try to walk the opposite direction & while trying to distract her with high value treats (cheese) or toys she still won’t stop staring at them.
These behaviors worry me because I am an anxious person, and if there was a person I was very wary of im afraid she’ll bite them if she’s just that protective over me of people I don’t care about while I’m on a walk with her. I know Shepards are known for feeding off their handlers emotions. I knew this was a risk getting her. But this is just 1 of the behaviors she has displayed since getting back to MS that make me feel like she would be better suited for a different home. I love her so much but I don’t know if the right person for her. Because of her behaviors towards my families dog both me and my mom agree that she (my mom) cannot keep her.
As briefly mentioned before I am not financially independent, and my mom is not willing to financially invest in a professional trainer because from what both her and I have read ss-aggression or being dog selective, and over-protectiveness are not something that can always be trained out. We do not have the money to spend on training that may or may not work out (obviously it's up to to me to keep traing consistent but even then there's no garentee from what I have read/understand) She is a pet but since my mom can definitely not keep her:: my college campus is very dog friendly, next year I will not be bringing my car to college, and the surrounding area people are always walking their dogs. I have seen so many off leash and unbehaved dogs (both on and off campus) I worry they will approach her and she will become a bite risk. (I genuinely don’t know if I’m over reacting or if I’m just burned out). Last year I was able to go off campus/far out to take her for walks in less dog dense areas (we still passed by quite a few dogs but never as many on/around campus).
I’m genuinely lost on what to do, I’ve tried everything I’ve known while back at home in MS (YouTube videos reading books) but I can’t seem to get them to work.
Some other things to note: I’ve only done R+ training. Our schedule goes like this: I generally wake up at 8-9 we go and play fetch for 10-15mins (at 10-15 she wants to go back inside). Let her rest for awhile and then use her breakfast to train with her for 5-15 minutes. I then do online school things until 12-1 and we go outside to play another 10-15mins of fetch. Between 3-5pm we play another game of 10-15 of fetch. She gets let out to go to the bathroom several times outside of fetch times and she’s free to spend time out in the fenced back yard if she wants, but she usually wants to be with me. The dogs get fed at 6pm and I split her dinner to do 2 rounds round of 5-15 minutes of training or I put half her food in a slow feedelick mat/spread it out in the grass 4 her to sniff out/puzzle/enrichment things I make (boxes, blankets, etc.). If I split her dinner for training i do the initial round at 6 and then 1 at 7. At 9pm I take her for a 2 mile structured walk (the majority of which) I let her on her ‘break’ command so she can sniff anything she wants while not pulling on leash. She is very quick to chill out, and has seemed to have a very quick off switch ever since I adopted her.
Am I over reacting thinking I am not the right fit for her? I know she's highly bidable and motivated. But I can’t tell if I'm worrying about things that are unlikly to happen and I feel incredibly lost and I don’t have anyone to give an outside opinion on my situation. I want what's best for her.
I can clarify or give more details. Please ask instead of assuming, I will answer tomorrow morning after I get school work done.

I think, I do, it's possible.
No symptoms from a week now. Bones and back pain, headhach, low blood pressure, pots, swollen veins, insomnia, diarrhea gones and I gain weight again.
It's seems MCAS turn around corn and derivates.
This list will help you for corn free diet, notice corn derivates can be in medications, plastics (PLA,..., but may be safe bc process certainly destroy corn proteins), inks, paper, cleaning products and so.
Animal food proteins (like corn) can be found in white eggs, farmer fish, and may some meat (but less consistant, appart for bad health animals farming).
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1981B5RpSkdh3n0S1NWzwUf3Y8AIsvEEhvPP_7rqghmQ/edit?usp=drivesdk
I think, this allergy come slowly and leads to food sensitivities.
I'm still on my 5/6 safe aliments, I need to recover a little and gain weight bc near 100 pounds, then I'll reindroduce slowly other food in my diat, one by one, with small amounts like an allergologist desensitization.
I tell you If I could retroduce food, and how I feel as I go along.
Please let me know if you try this diet and how it works for you....
Take Care. I wish reads some of you recovered too from MCAS soon.

We should not be advocating violence on Reddit as it is a violation of its rules. What you write when advocating for efilism or extinctionism can be valuable, so it is a good idea to regularly backup what you write in case it is taken down.
Because we cannot advocate for violence, what are you thoughts on ways to achieve depopulation or extinction without violence? Violence is often seen as behaviour that involves immediate physical force e.g. stabbing or punching someone. Considering this definition, there can certainly be violent ways that depopulation or extinction can be achieved e.g. China's One Child Policy featured forced abortions. However, when the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) implemented its One Child Policy, China's total fertility rate (TFR) was already in decline when the One Child Policy was implemented in 1980: China's TFR dropped from 5.8 babies per woman in 1970 to around 2.8 babies per woman. China's TFR today is estimated to be 1.16 babies per woman, which is sub-replacement rate. It is debatable how much of a role the One Child Policy played in reducing population growth. In India, where there was no One Child Policy, TFR went down from 6 babies per woman in 1965 to 2.03 babies per woman today, which is also sub-replacement rate. In India, there was TFR decline but there was no obviously violent initiatives that were enforced.
If humans or non-human animals decide consciously to not have offspring e.g. due to high cost of living, being too busy working or gathering food, bad environment etc, then this is a non-violent decision. Depopulation is achieved in a non-violent manner with a minimum of suffering. As a thought experiment, imagine there is accelerated environmental degradation and natural resource depletion. The soils and water are polluted with toxic metals and microplastics. Climate change has destroyed food supply, causing a handful of rice to cost 100 USD. There is constant inflation. Because of this, someone may decide that it is simply not financially prudent to have children. This is non-violent and achieves gradual depopulation, which reduces suffering.