Hurrah some free time! If I don't release this chapter now I'm forever going to be fiddling with it and getting nothing else done.
As ever thanks to u/SpacePaladin15 for allowing us into his world and I hope you enjoy.
Just one more cycle.
This was all the controller could think of as he paced back and forth in his home office. In the near future he would be a controller with twenty five cycles service, with it the very nice pension package it received. He knew that anything not safety related would move slowly among the halls of bureaucracy when it came to relocations, but didn’t relish the thought of leaving the pension to chance.
Is it time to call in some favours? Those bastards owe me for not giving names back then, this is the least they can do!
If this idea worked he would need to spread rumours of Werna possibly being saved, the last thing he wanted would be to lose any islanders, a.k.a. sources of income, before he could leave on his own terms.
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Two brothers relaxed in a swanky mainland bar after a long day in the office. As time passed Drax’s increasing intoxication loosened his tongue while the younger questioned his sanity.
“Drax have you finally lost it?”
“What? I think this will do her some good, make her realise there is more to life than Werna. Denkin even the old man wants her off the rock.”
“But you're talking about a human. A H.U.M.A.N! You seen what they did to the gojids.”
“Eh those spiky bastards deserved it. How would you react if someone was planning on glassing you?”
“That’s not the point!”
“Relax! Besides, what's the worst that can happen?”
“This harebrained scheme fails and we all get taken away for predator disease?! You just said this isn't through official routes!”
The elder brother sighed, he was never going to hear the end of this unless he came clean to his younger sibling. “Okay I will level with you. You know how I had to beg the office president to get you on as an apprentice? Well she’s calling in the favour.”
“What's that got to do with this and the humans?”
“Well she has a friend on Venlil Prime who’s in the human exchange program, long story short they know of a weird human who is into old stuff and wanted to introduce him to someone like minded... somehow Elna was mentioned.”
“Why not ask dad?”
“You know he would use the pad once, decide it’s too complicated and relegate it to the back of a drawer.”
“I still don't like it.”
“Look it’s not like I can say no. From what I gather the fast network link her venlil friend set up costs more than our salaries combined.” A deep draw of the potent drink and tail swish later he continued “What would it be like to earn that sort of credits… now stop worrying, if this all goes tail up we can pin it on that witch of a president.”
Drax downed his remaining Tailspin before ordering another while Dren pondered how screwed they were.
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It was unusual for Drax to come to the island by himself, even more unusual when he requested to meet Elna alone in the family's regular pub The Miners. While waiting for lunch to arrive the elder sister wondered what was going on.
“Drax… this must have cost a fortune. Don't get me wrong I appreciate the holopad but why would I need one? Wouldn’t it serve you or Dren better?”
Drax’s tail swished in fake annoyance, “Can’t I bring my sister a gift without being questioned? Well I thought you could learn a lot of things from it that you can’t find here... for example did you hear about the humans? Some keep to old traditions and value history, isn't that fascinating?”
His left whiskers tremor was as good an indicator that he was up to something without everything else ringing alarm bells. The noise of Elna’s tail smacking the flagstone floor made him wince.
“What is this really about? I promise I won't get mad but I WILL get angry if you don't tell me.”
“You promise?”
“SPILL IT!”
“I promised the office president you would talk to a human.”
A few seconds passed for her to process the information before “HOW COULD YOU!” echoed around the small pub. Nobody paid attention to the pair, these two arguing was once a common sight.
“I owed her for taking Dren as an apprentice.”
“BUT WHY ME?!”
“...She knows your interests and thinks you could both get along. Look, it was hard enough to get Dren employed and I don't want to give her an excuse to demote me or remove him.”
It didn't take a genius to see how angry Elna was, her tail rhythmically slapping the floor while ears twitched erratically. Dren thanked Ralchi that the food arrived before she had a chance to formulate a reply.
The meal was in an uncomfortable silence though she visibly calmed down mid way through, by the time they finished her tail had become stationary.
“Is it possible for Dren to be let go if I don't do this?”
“I don't want to risk it. It doesn't help that performance reports are coming soon, you know he isn't the quickest learner.”
A loud huff followed. She knew how hard it was for islanders to get a job on the mainland let alone Dren, together with how proud dad was to have both sons in the government even if it was the lowest office.
“How am I supposed to contact this human? And how long for?”
“So you will do it?”
“ANSWER THE QUESTIONS!”
“It's all on the pad, just click on the icon Chat and follow the prompts. As far as I'm concerned this is just an experiment she thought up. Send a few messages, say you got scared by the predator and that should appease her.”
“I must be mad to even consider this.”
“Thanks sis! I owe you one!”
“Let’s get one thing clear: this is for Dren and the old man. Promise me you won't tell them or anyone... Now get me a Yipper, I need a stiff drink after this.”
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Away from prying eyes Elna sat in her room with the holopad in hand, staring at its screen and debating if she was really going to do this.
Welcome to chat! All messages will be displayed below. Remember to follow the rules or your account may be deleted. Now let's start making friends! For the first step introduce yourself.
onewernayotul: Hi, my name is Elna and I'm a yotul from the planet Leirn. I live on a little remote island named Werna. I hope we can get to know each other.
She felt stupid, the entire thing was stupid in her eyes. The last time she had interacted with anyone that wasn't face to face was as a joey with a penfriend, as a result this all felt foreign to her.
“Elna get your father in! Dinners ready.”
Sharnas bark jolted her back into reality and in the process the send icon had been tapped.
Sigh, well the die has been cast. May Ralchi have mercy on me.
The holopad pinging in the early hours awoke her, picking it up the screen displayed a cheerful text:
Your new friend has replied! You have a new message from westcountryboy. It took more than a few moments before she could summon the courage to view the message.
westcountryboy: Greetings Elna! The name is Damian Andrew Jones, though please just call me Damian.
I hail from the planet Earth, or more precisely an island named Great Britain. I don't have a context for size compared to your own but you are never more than 113Km from the sea (see attached files for Earth's units of measurement and a few satellite images). If you have any images of Werna or Leirn I would be thrilled to see them.
So you know this is all new to me so please have patience (I presume I attached the files correctly). I got a pad thrust at me from my friend with the instructions to chat... pardon the pun but this entire thing is alien to me, and I'm not one for words at the best of times.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Damian
She stared at the message for some time. Nothing so far screamed scary predator, only the human apparently having three names and the style of his writing stood out, the latter bringing back memories of the penfriend. The images though... She sat and looked at them for a great deal of time while thinking you have a beautiful planet. Now the problem was if she should carry on with the exchange, eventually deciding she needed to ask Relka for his opinions on the predators before proceeding further.
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Relka sat in Werna’s last remaining tea room while Elna asked him a multitude of questions revolving around the latest predators. This should have been a pleasant experience for the old exterminator, few would ever ask for his opinions let alone treating him to a pot of ginna and confections, but on this occasion it was leaving him irritated.
“You know this could be the grounds for a case against you?”
“I know… but I trust you, besides we both know dad would pitch you off a cliff if that happened.”
He sighed and rubbed his beak in frustration, Denna was his best friend but was equally aware nothing would stop his wrath if anything happened to his daughter, said daughter now flicking her ears indicating you know I'm right.
“As far as i can see you have as much information as I do. The guild obviously wants them destroyed… but the empathy tests don't lie. Personally I would like more information before coming to a conclusion.”
“So if someone could be in remote contact with one you wouldn't be against it… …for research purposes you understand?”
“Only if it was through official routes and through certified exterminators like myself. Remember predator lies and deception? We still don’t know enough to trust them. Now may I get a question in? What brought all this about?”
“My brothers were talking about them last time they were over. I’m just curious.”
Relka issued another sigh, he known Elna long enough to understand her ear tremor was indicating the statement wasn’t entirely true.
“I’m not going to pry, but promise me you joeys stay safe okay?”
“Don’t worry, and we aren’t joeys anymore.”
“You all look like joeys when you get to my age.”
While enjoying another sip of ginna the old bird pondered if he behaved the same in his youth.
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As exchanges passed Elna began to feel comfortable with talking to the human, both learning about each other's respective race and history. Something that took her by surprise was how she looked forward to his messages, almost as if these were an escape from the world surrounding her. Sometimes negative thoughts would override, especially if it was to do with her stature. One evening she finally spoke about it.
onewernayotul: I know this is sudden but I feel guilty about not showing you who I really am. Would it be alright if I send you a picture?
westcountryboy: Why would you feel guilty about that? Is everything okay? Are you okay?
onewernayotul: I didn't mean to worry you, it's just that I have down days at times, usually after some nasty comment. You know my traits were a positive thing before the federation? Now they think it makes me a primitive among primitives, some mainlanders have even gone as far as calling me defective. I know I should ignore it but it does get to me at times.
Is a cuddle and a few nice words from someone who doesn't see me as a primitive, defective or only as a joey maker so much to ask?
westcountryboy: Elna send me the picture. Okay my human biases might skew things but it pisses me off that sort of shit happens on your planet too.
You are not primitive or defective, you are not alone.
Remember you have yet to see me, I’m supposed to be the scary one.
onewernayotul: I have attached one to this message. Please give me your honest thoughts. PLEASE.
I just want the honest truth.
westcountryboy: Please remember you asked for my human reactions so I plead ignorance if I'm breaking some sort of taboo or sound weird...
First thought: How cute, especially that white marking around your chest.
Second thought: Your eyes are striking (in a good way)! I do have a soft spot for green hazel eyes so make of that as you will.
Third thought: Bloody hell I bet that tail could do some damage.
Fourth thought: I wonder how soft your fur is?
It feels somehow wrong for me to write all this but in summary: Would happily cuddle.
This was not the expected response, it took her some time to process this information.
onewernayotul: Why would saying that feel wrong, or is this some human thing I'm not aware of? This might sound sad but knowing you would cuddle me has made me happy. Thank you.
Would it be possible to have a picture of you? I would like to see the man behind the kind words. Oh and no face coverings! I'm not a woolly head or joey.
Westcountryboy: About that... it's more down to an internal conflict for why it felt wrong to write... I don't even know how to put it into words but keep in mind humanity has only just discovered other sapients exist. Before you think anything different I stand by the cuddles.
Do not think that, it is not sad for you to be happy.
As requested see the attached files. Note: May contain pictures of a defective human. Do not look past picture four if you find me repulsive!
Again Elna If you ever need to talk about anything I'm here okay? I don't care what it's about, just promise me you will talk.
Tentatively touching the files brought up the first, A side profile of Damian looking over the bow of a ship. One furless hand holding down a head covering that was apparently trying to escape, under it his brown hair could be seen. Is he trying not to scare me by not showing his face?
The second was of him focusing down at some piece of machinery, his steel grey eyes now evident but somehow not triggering any fear response, in fact the patches of oil and grease stuck on his face made it a comical sight.
The third was in the same location but evidently some time later. A smoke haze surrounded him while he held up a glass of liquid, apparently celebrating whatever had been achieved. Notably not a spot of white skin could be seen under the layer of filth that now covered him, the only things spared of the grime were those grey eyes and white teeth. Still no fear response, she was starting to wonder if she really was defective until a more positive thought crossed her mind: Dad would love to see this.
The fourth was him standing in a vibrant green field, behind him a small stone building no different from those on Werna and in the distance a wide body of water could be seen. This was the first picture of him directly facing the camera but again no fear felt, only curiosity.
The fifth... well it took a few seconds to process what she was looking at. In his arms was something that looked almost like a yotul... but wasn't. A large stuffed toy? The pads visual translator picked out some words at the top of the image: Free virtual cuddles now available to a select yotul, enquire today!
It clicked what he was implying, with it setting free some tears.
onewernayotul: I can see why the venlil sided with your kind. I need a cuddle.
westcountryboy: Enjoy.
The attached picture was of him lying on a bed with the not yotul held against his chest.
onewernayotul: Thank you, this means more than you could imagine.
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Today was business as usual in the old workshop, Denna repairing an axe for one of the farmers while at the same time keeping out of the house. Chaos rained last time he looked inside, his sons had come for the weekend together with the eldest grandjoey, the latter running amok after consuming too much fruit juice. As his mind drifted around the grandjoeys it dawned on him Enla had become much happier in the days of late... and pondered maybe she had found someone to take as a mate. Bah, don't get your hopes up, denkin will warm up before that happens.
“Granpaw! Granpaw! Are these the things you used to use!?”
A little ball of fluff had barrelled her way into the workshop, his eldest grandjoey seemingly enamoured with whatever was on Enlas holopad. “Come now, Enla isn't going to be pleased if you run off with her pad. Now what is it you want to show...”
The sight on the pad stopped him dead, on the screen was a picture of a winding engine not dissimilar to the one he used to be in charge of, its paint shining and brass work gleaming. Was this from a new race that had just been discovered? If so he wanted to see them before the inevitable removal of history.
A voice boomed from outside, “Tana! Tana! Where the denkin are you!?” moments later the workshop door swung open, followed by the owner of the voice looking down at the object of her ire.
“Tana! What have I told you about taking my pad!” A brief pause and look of concern followed. “Dad... are you alright?”
Denna hadn't realised tears had formed. “...Yes, I think so. Tell me, what do you know about this?” Gesturing at the image gained a brief moment of shock followed by a slow tail wag.
“Ah... I see. You best put your tools down and follow me into the house, I will explain to everyone at the same time.”
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This wasn't as Elna had planned for the revelation of human contact, standing in the middle of the living room she tried to work out what to say as everyone looked on expecting answers, Dren however broke the silence.
“Please tell me this isn't about your human?”
Drax lighlty smacked his younger brother in annoyance... this wasn't something he should let on knowing about.
“What! What did I say?”
“...Yes it's about that. Mum, Dad, I'm in talks with a human. His name is Damian and seems to be a decent man regardless of what the federation may say.”
A brief silence was quickly replaced by happy tail sways and laughter from Denna, this earning a tail slap from Sharna.
“What's so funny dear?”
“I'm just relieved, I thought she was going to say she was seeing a fed.”
This earned him another tail slap, this time from Elna, “How dare you think I could do such a thing!”
“I'm joking... but I'm glad to see you're broadening horizons.”
Sharna ear flicked along in agreement, “Whatever makes you happy.”
Dren, confused at how easily his parents took the information, decided to chime in “How can you two be so calm about this? Don't forget humans are predators.”
“And? I trust her judgement. Remember we had pet predators before the feds arrived.”
“Dad are you really comparing Damian to a pet?”
Before Denna could respond Drax sensed a chance to wind up his sister, “Don't worry, I won't question what you are into.”
Elna very nearly swore, only the presence of her niece and Denna asking the question that started this chain of events prevented it.
“So how does this human relate to this image on your pad?”
“Damian loves all things old. What you saw is one of Earth's old engines, he sent me the pictures after hearing about you and wondered how close they were.”
This confused him, humans were the only other species to have independently created faster than light travel, how could they keep such a relic of the past? The federation damn well wanted all “old” tech disposed of. Then it hit him: Are these only the records of humans' early technology? His ears and tail drooped at the realisation.
“Dad, what's wrong?”
“Tell him yes, that engine didn't look much different to the one I used to operate... I'm surprised you can't remember it. I wish I could have seen one before they got disposed of but tell him I'm happy they at least kept records of them.”
“I can remember it well enough dad, how do you think we both came up with that picture? I think he said there are many examples of all shapes, sizes and types preserved. Here let me show you some more.”
Pressing the holopad into his hands the old yotul silently looked on as the device scrolled through a variety of machines. Dren unfortunately drew parallels between this and his niece's earlier antics, ``Huh, I never would have thought the pad would quiet him down like it does on Tana.”
“SO YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GAVE HER MY PAD!”
The siblings started to bicker back and forth about the use of someone's personal device without the owner's consent while Denna marvelled at the humans' machines.
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onewernayotul: My Damian.
I hope your work hasn't been stressful, I still haven’t understood how you humans can work like you do. I had a notification saying it's now possible to send short videos. Here are a few clips of my family and Werna in general, I hope you enjoy them.
Also can I have another cuddle? I don't want to keep asking you for this but the uncertainty about moving is starting to get to me. I have heard some people saying that it’s not happening now but my brothers say differently. Also Dad has been itching to get his paws on the pad to see what else he can find about your country and machines, denkin it's all starting to drive me spare.
Your yotul Elna
westcountryboy: My Elna
Thank you for the support, as we humans say “Same shit different day.”
I just received that notification, it's great news, I can spam funny clips to you now!
Seriously though many people would envy a family like yours, I can tell how close you all are.
Werna looks lovely, I still can't work out the government's thought process? I can see from a production standpoint but surely tourism could replace it? I can certainly see why you refuse to live on the mainland, I could only dream of living in such a place. Before you ask, we do have places like that, but no mere worker like myself could ever afford a house in a place with such charming buildings or location (see attached files of Porthdinllaen and The Isle Of Man).
Consider yourself cuddled. Out of interest, what is this “denkin” you refer to? The translator brings up “archaic religious term” each time I see it.
I have attached some videos of my family from last summers get together. I will get some decent ones when I go down to see them next (I can't stand video calls for these types of things). I have attached a couple of local museum exhibits to appease your old man's curiosity for the time being... but for the love of god do not open the last one in front of anyone else... It is for you only! I have a reputation of a terrifying predator to uphold.
Your defective human Damian
After being told about the pet incident Damian had started signing off as “your human” and putting silly or daft things as the last attachment, so she was expecting something odd... but not what was to come. As the video started to play the not-yotul was perched on the corner of his bed, shortly followed by Damian sitting by its side.
“You looked stressed, rough day?”
He manipulated the stuffed toys head to do a bob.
“I see. Do you want to talk about it?”
A few moments passed in silence.
“You know a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Now he stared down at the toy as if expecting it to speak back. After a few more moments of silence he continued “The silent treatment doesn't help anyone Elna... but I can still help you even if you don't want to talk.”
Picking up the toy and gently cradling it he continued “Please never be scared to speak, never be afraid to ask me things.”
As he stroked the back of its head Elna started to envy the toy.
“One thing you should know is that this doesn't only help you, it helps me too, do you want to know why?”
Again another head bob.
“You make me feel as though the universe isn't against us humans.”
He looked down at the toy, moving its head as if to meet his gaze.
“From what I can see every other race seems to be wanting us dead and the ones that aren't are scared of our appearance... From the outset you just treated me as a person.”
The toy shifted making it look as though it cocked its head.
“I'm sorry for unloading all this but I just wanted you to understand that you will never be a bother to me... I'm sorry for troubling you. Good night Elna.”
She played the short message back time and time again, dumbfounded he had been carrying such worries.
onewernayotul: My Damian
Don't ever think that you are troubling me by telling me these things, I do not want to think that you are suffering in silence. If it's any solace you have two of us on your side, I'm sure the rest of the people would be the same if they actually gave your kind a chance. You know dad hasn't shut up about those museums after seeing the pictures, if funds and politics allowed it I'm sure he would be finding a way to Earth to make a nuisance of himself.
Your family gathering looks no different to ours, you all look so happy. It really reinforces the stupidity of the people who hate...who could see that and think ill of your kind? I hope one day I could see them in person.
I’m very happy to hear you like this island, both me and dad still can’t believe you have places like Werna let alone they are desirable to that extent. I can’t see tourism being a thing here, understand the people lucky enough to have credits and time to spare wouldn't waste them by visiting something that reminds them of work or the past, for example our controller visited the mainland's latest city Lengu last cycle, but from what my brothers have said it's a place full of sin.
Speaking of sin please don't think of us yotuls as backward for what I'm going to say: Denkin is a common euphemism among us islanders to highlight or exaggerate something, for example “Denkin look at the rain!” or “What the denkin have the farmers been doing?” Religiously denkin was the subterranean place evil doers and others were supposed to go in the afterlife. If you do good deeds in life you will find Ralchi's warm loving embrace. If you sin and do bad things you find yourself in the ice cold depths of denkin to be tormented by the ice maidens for eternity... These are the twins that guard this frozen realm.
I wish I could be in person to comfort you but I hope the attached video will go some way to help, and yes I did make it.
Always remember you are not alone.
Your yotul Elna
Damian was wondering what she had in store, clicking on the file soon brought a smile. Elna was sitting in a rustic chair with a human shaped rag doll in arms. “I'm here if you ever need a chat, a cuddle and nuzzle.” She then gave the doll a nuzzle before breaking out in laughter “Is this a human power, getting me to behave like a joey?” After some more giggling she calmed herself down.
"Please have faith in us, if nothing else have faith in me.”
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Elna was greeted by a small ball of fluff upon arriving home from helping the farmers, her niece having been left with the folks to joeysit earlier that day.
“Aunty, where can I get a cuddle toy like your humans?”
Elnas hart sank, “Tana... how did you find out about that?”
“Granpaw found a video while playing with your pad.”
Rushing to the living room her worst fears were confirmed as both Sharna and Denna looked on at Damian's various videos.
“Why?! My pad is private!”
Ignoring the protest Sharna retorted “Who would have thought his kind could think like this.”
“Mother he is a person!”
“Elna he is an alien predator... and I'm not happy at how close you both are getting. I think you should stop this foolishness and find a real mate.”
“But mother, he actually listens to me!”
“We don't take mates because they listen!”
Denna looked very annoyed by this, and after a few moments he vocalised his thoughts, “How can you say that! Remind me again how many times you called me emotionally stunted and yet you say this?!”
Before anyone could interject he continued “You have seen how happy she has been lately, you have seen how he has been listening to my requests and acting upon them, don't deny it you have seen all the messages!”
“Dear I didn't...”
“Has he made derogatory remarks? Has he classed us as primitives? Has he dismissed our history?”
“But he...”
“No he hasn't! For Ralchi's sake he is more concerned over her well-being than all her previous potential mates combined, and those were the ones you were pushing her to get with!”
“But he’s a human! Any of those men would have given her a secure future!”
“Again how can you say that? You of all people know how that would have ended…” The sound of sniffling from the doorway stopped Denna from continuing.
“Why is nana and grandpaw shouting?”
Elna promptly scooped up her upset niece “It’s nothing for you to worry over, they can be like this when passionate over something. Say let's go and get some treats from Skenns shop? How does that sound?”
A sniffly “uh huh” set the pair out of the room, Elna pondering on the walk how best to chastise her parents and if it could wait until the weekend, at which time Tana would be off island and safe from the inevitable bad words.
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The lack of communication from Damian in the following days set Elna on edge. Initially she wondered if Denna had messed up a setting while playing with the pad, followed by wondering if the human had had enough of talking to her... But when the news of the krakotl alliance fleet heading for earth was released she very nearly broke down.
A ping resonated through the stone house in the early hours, Elna initially overjoyed after seeing the notification:
westcountryboy has sent an audio file: Open Y/N
She couldn’t open the file quick enough.
“It's all going to hell down here! They say I'm eligible for refugee status as I got you as an off world contact... but I don't know if I’m going to make it out, everywhere is bedlam! I'm trying to get to an off-world pick up point now... the folks don't want to leave and reckon they will be fine out in the sticks, I pray I can see them again. If this all goes wrong I will definitely find you on the other side, hell or ice maidens be damned! If you don’t hear from me again please stay safe and have a good life regardless where you wind up… remember you deserve to be happy!” A couple of strange noises played out followed by a muffled “For fu…” before the audio cut.
Her cries echoed throughout the house and continued into the daybreak.

Hello users of Reddit (sorry in advance for this long story), I’m (20f) honestly never thought I’d be making a post about my own personal experience and asking a very heavy question but there is something I’ve been struggling with since last November and I need opinions from outside eyes.
Ok here’s the beginning of the story. This story takes place when I had just ended my college semester and now I’m in summer break. Normally during the summers I work multiple jobs so I can a lot of money for the next school semester and for myself. I was a nanny at the time with an agency in Los Angeles and I had transferred to a different county so I can be closer to home and still work. My grandmother who doesn’t live too far from my mom offered my a job that she HRs for. I instantly took the job because I remember going there all the time when I was little and thought it would be cool to work somewhere I have core memories with. I worked with this company (which is a petting zoo) from the beginning of June till the end of August. While working there I was told how the manager (35m) was so kind and a good guy. At the time I thought he was a good leader and he would compliment me all the time to me and the owner how good my work ethic was. There something about him that I was infatuated with. It wasn’t his looks btw. He is very skinny, almost abnormal, had many tattoos all over his body and piercing on his face. He used to have gages in his ears but had taken them out because one earlobe ripped so earlobes were very long. I was definitely shocked when I met him and intimidated but showed me a lot of compassion being the new girl who has no prior experience with animals. We talked a lot and started to get to know each other and would have me do tasks that had me in close proximity to him. I found out that we had gone through sexual assault in our childhoods. I experienced it with my father and he had it with his older sister.
So now that I’m done with the backstory here’s the tea. I had always felt alone because no one that I knew had gone through sexual assault. So now that I met someone who understood what I had been through I had clung on to this idea we could be good friends and help each other. There were a couple of times he would drive me home from work because he and my grandma lives in the same apt complex and while I was working at the zoo I’d stay with my grandma. The more we talked the more we started hanging out outside of work. It all started when he drove me home and invited me up to his apt to smoke weed with him. He kept innocently complimenting me and me being high out of my mind I didn’t think much of it. I went over to his place again and I quickly found out he had a major drinking problem. He started getting talking deeply about our trauma and he began to be inappropriate with me. He told me I was very mature for my age and kept asking me about my sexual preferences. At the time I just thought he was drunk and didn’t mean what he said especially since he told me later he blacked out and doesn’t remember what was said. After I left the company he had said “now that I’m not your manager I can be inappropriate with you” there were multiple times he tried to kiss me and bluntly said “if I wanted to experience other people” at the time my body count was at one and I told him no. But being in his drunken state he started crying. He told me “your the only person who understands more then anyone and I wanted more.” I felt uncomfortable that my friend was talking to me this way so I left his apartment. I wish I could say it ends here but it doesn’t. I came back over and over again and whenever he got embarrassed by his drunken behavior he would grab more alcohol so he could forget even though I told him how I felt uncomfortable with him drinking in general. One night he kept telling me over and over how he wanted to fuck me and kept crying when I said no. I finally said let’s watch a movie thinking it would get him to stop talking (it didn’t make him stop) he kept persisting and stroking my legs I threatened I would leave and when he didn’t stop I went home. I was so involved in this trauma bond that I forgave his behavior. He kept promising me he’s sober up and fix his behavior but never did. He would buy me alcohol and drink to whole bottle before I got to it.
Eventually I went into a really bad depression and had checked out of reality. And when I went over to his apt he finally kissed me and we had sex. I felt also felt that maybe if I gave in then it won’t be a problem anymore. The morning after it first happened he wouldn’t let me sleep. He kept slapping my ass and groping me and I kept telling him to stop then he pressured me to kiss him while he jerked off. This continued for two months. He had me only be monogamous to him and started showing he wanted more with me. When the anniversary of my dad’s passing came around my depression had gotten even worse. I had started cutting and isolating myself from my family and only talking to said manager. We had started having sex even though it was clear I didn’t want to but I had felt like this puppet he was controlling. I told him I didn’t want to and didn’t want to continue and he said “well fuck me I guess” I had snapped into reality and practically kicked him out of my place. I don’t know why I went off on him then and not the other times he made me uncomfortable but whatever. He begged me for more over text and told me he fell in love with me but never apologized for what happened that night. He also told me he wanted a family with me. I eventually kicked him out of my life. Now I’ve been here thinking if this was self inflicted and not assault or if it was. So if you made it this far please give me your input I just need brutal honesty.
P.S. we did lots of fun adventures together like the beach, universal horror nights, etc. but I covered the main points.

Part 1
Day five. The forest still refuses to let me go. My supplies are dwindling, and the oppressive weight of the trees feels like it's closing in on me.
Last night, I barely slept. The whispers grew louder, more insistent, as if they were right next to my ear. I couldn't understand the words, but the tone was clear – they were trying to communicate something important, something urgent. When I finally dozed off, I had the strangest dream. I saw myself, walking endlessly through the forest, always returning to the same spot. But there was something else – a figure, cloaked in shadows, watching me from a distance.
When I woke up, the sun was just rising. The forest looked different in the morning light, almost serene. But I knew better. I decided to explore a new direction today, hoping to find something that would help me make sense of this place.
As I walked, I noticed more of those strange symbols carved into the trees. They were becoming more frequent, almost like a trail. I followed them, feeling a mixture of fear and curiosity. What if they were leading me deeper into danger? But what choice did I have? Staying put was not an option.
The trail of symbols led me to a clearing I hadn't seen before. In the center stood an ancient stone altar, covered in moss and vines. It looked like something out of an old legend, a relic of a time long past. As I approached, the whispers grew louder, almost deafening. They seemed to be coming from the altar itself.
With trembling hands, I reached out to touch the stone. The moment my fingers made contact, the forest fell silent. The sudden absence of sound was overwhelming. I felt a rush of cold air and a sense of dread washed over me. The symbols on the trees around the clearing began to glow faintly, casting an eerie light.
Then, I heard it – a single, clear voice cutting through the silence. "You must listen." It was a woman's voice, calm and authoritative. "The forest holds many secrets, but it does not forgive trespassers lightly. You have been chosen to witness."
I spun around, trying to find the source of the voice, but there was no one there. Just the trees, the altar, and the oppressive silence. "Who are you?" I called out. "What do you want from me?"
There was no answer. The glow from the symbols faded, and the whispers returned, softer this time, almost reassuring. I felt a strange sense of calm, despite the fear gnawing at my mind. The voice had said I was chosen to witness. But witness what?
As the sun began to set, I knew I had to find a place to sleep for the night. The clearing felt safer than the dense forest, so I decided to stay there. I set up a small camp and lit a fire, hoping it would keep the shadows at bay.
Sitting by the fire, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched. Not by a person, but by the forest itself. It was as if the trees had eyes, silently observing my every move. I took out my notebook and started jotting down everything that had happened, hoping that writing it down would help me make sense of it all.
As I finished, I heard a rustling in the bushes nearby. My heart raced as I grabbed a makeshift weapon – a sturdy branch I had found earlier. "Who's there?" I called out, trying to keep my voice steady.
A figure emerged from the shadows, but it wasn't human. It looked like a creature made of branches and leaves, its eyes glowing with an unnatural light. It stared at me for a moment, then slowly retreated back into the forest, disappearing from sight.
I sat there, stunned, trying to process what I had just seen. The forest was alive in ways I couldn't understand. And it seemed to be trying to communicate with me, to show me something important.
As I lay down to sleep, the whispers lulled me into a restless slumber. I dreamed of the altar, the glowing symbols, and the shadowy figure watching me. The forest was trying to tell me its secrets, and I was determined to uncover them, no matter the cost.
But as the night wore on, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was walking a fine line between discovering the truth and losing myself to the darkness of the forest forever.
Just before sleep took me, I heard the woman's voice again, softer this time. "The key lies within you, Alex. Find it, or the forest will claim you as its own."

I am looking for a guide on how to begin learning QI Gong.
I already have somewhat of an experience of it I believe from my approach to exercise which I learnt from a person called Pete Wagner. Been doing it for 6 years now since I had a severe injury that messed up my whole body and am better than before the injury now. It took some time to figure it out and am still improving.
Essentially I allow my body to go with the good feeling of movement to release tension whether by compression or a stretch or tension hold, or simply relax. I often end up in the craziest looking positions I would not be able to get to normally in the first place. And the whole process feels so good. Sometimes certain parts of my body shake uncontrollably or I feel tingling run down my limbs. I also found sometimes during intense compression I might get into a 'cramp' however, if I push through it and control that sensation, then the whole cramp goes away and that specific part feels so much looser and better than before. Plus, my breathing becomes much different, sometimes deep, sometimes shallow etc.
All this from one simple principle of following the good feeling in your body. It's like meditation but with movement as my eyes are often closed, but sometimes they become wide open during a session and very focused.
If I really get lost in it I can go on for hours. I went 5 hours once. And afterwards I feel so energised and focused and my movements are all so effortless and smooth. I just want to learn more about it.
Personally I have come to reject the idea of following a set movement pattern because we are all so very unique. There might be some common patterns that work repeatedly for many people but, to get the maximum you want to let your body balance itself and not impose logic on it. I'm eager to hear thoughts on this. If you tell someone to touch the ground in the most comfortable way possible, each person would do it differently, etc.
I really appreciate any comments and advice. Like I said, I don't know much about the theory or recommend practice of qigong. Any good resources to start with?
Thank you!

Asmr focused script
A4A
Sound effects/actions: [ ]
Word count: 2212 ...........
Masterlist version:https://drive.google.com/file/d/19DlKzrnIJL9iNO-7jHp6y5vGPCNExjyU/view?usp=drivesdk
Competition representative: "Hello there I take it that you're here to have the asmr done to you during the competition?..ah excellent at least more than one of you turned up ...oh nothing bad it's just that we have had a few issues recently and um.....it seems that only half of our judges have shown up so out of the four intended judges there's only two here including you ..so um by any chance would you be willing to have significantly more asmr done to you so we can still continue with the competition?"
Competition representative: "You are?..oh thank goodness I promise it won't be any harder for you except you'll go from judging two people per round to judging four people per round...oh that sounds nice?..well that makes sense from your perspective I suppose that it will feel nice for you since you'll be getting twice the amount of attention that you planned to get"
"huh I guess I was freaking out for no reason then ...Excellent well, in that case, head down this hallway and head into the room with the green door then just relax and wait in the comfortable chair that's in the centre..the first competitor will be in shortly for their assigned hour...the first round?..oh the first round is hair play so you should enjoy it quite a bit ... just remember that you need to rank them once they're all done so don't fall asleep otherwise we will have to start over from the first competitor"
[They giggle and leave ]
[Pause]
[First competitor (Southern )]
:Hello?..ooh you are here...they told me you would be but they never said you were such a cutie...no I'm not buttering you up in hopes that you rank me higher...ok maybe I am a little ...is it working?...a little..yes I knew it would eventually "
"OK, so hair play...I'm gonna make you feel so good my friends always want me to play with their hair when we're hanging out watching movies...let me just get behind you and begin to run my nails through your hair like...this "
[Gentle Scalp scratching sounds throughout this section]
"I can already feel your body relaxing...do my nails feel that good?"
"Hehe good that's very good...just relax and enjoy them then..but no sleeping...I want to get the best score possible "
[Whispered]: "I want that prize money hehe..but seriously I hope you enjoy this you looked really stressed when I came in so I'm surprised that you have relaxed so quickly...I would be doing more to your hair but I forgot to grab tools on the way in plus the rules say that we are only allowed to do one trigger per round. so I'm just going to have to hope my nails can do the job better than what the others use once I'm gone...I mean you seem to be enjoying it because you haven't said a word since I started... let's get this spot just above your ears shall we..ooh you liked that a lot didn't you?...so cute you're just like my cat"
[Gentle scalp scratching sounds continue for 1 - 2 more minutes then fades out ]
[Whispered]: "I hope you haven't fallen asleep sweetie?. ..My session's over now and I need to go...but before I do I wanted to let you know your hair is super soft and if you ever wanted more hairplay...I slipped my number into your pocket so call me anytime... it's so fun watching you melt"
[Cheek kiss followed by a door opening and closing ]
[Door opening again]
Competition representative: "Knock knock...just coming in to break up the pattern so you don't fall asleep too early and to tell you the next competitor will be coming in shortly... Also, do you want a drink during your next break?..ok I'll get you one of those...oh they're ready to come in now so I'll leave you to it "
[Door closes]
Second competitor (goth)
"OK look I'm going to make this simple...I don't want to be here. My friend convinced me that we should do this together but didn't know that they split us up...I don't particularly care if you give me a good score or rank or whatever it is you do but I don't want to get my friend disqualified or make them miss their turn somehow by ignoring the rules... so I have this hairbrush and I'm going to brush your hair for an hour in silence, understand?"
[ hair brushing sounds throughout]
"No I do not want to talk or have a conversation with you ...like I said I'm only here because my friend convinced me...they're the people person so stop asking me questions and just enjoy the brushing I guess"
[In their mind]: "Wow their hair is very soft they must take pretty good care of it ...I wonder if it ever gets itchy I know this would feel so much better for them if it was ...hmm maybe I'll convince my friend to sprinkle itching powder in it before they start their session ...no that would be stupid there must be a camera in here somewhere right?... I mean I can't see one but there has to be at least one right?"
"Did you just?..d..don't make noises like that it's weird....only a sigh?..well it had implications that I don't like so....don't do that again"
[In their mind]: "Huh a sigh...very likely...I mean it was kind of a cute sigh I guess,no no I will not get all heart-eyed over someone I don't even know...they are cute tho...maybe giving them my number couldn't hurt, I mean they'd probably never call anyway"
"What part of don't sigh did you misunderstand?..do you want me to brush your hair or not?...then shush"
[Brushing continues for a minute or two before fading out]
"Hey...open your eyes I'm done um... I'm going to leave now but...my number is in your pocket if you wanna call or whatever..not that I care but...bye"
[Door opens and they leave]
Competition representative:" Hello again I brought you your drink and wanted to let you know that you're halfway through this round ..the last 2 are just getting ready choosing their tools of relaxation so you have time to drink, use the bathroom etc:...once again I'll leave you to it and the next person to enter will likely be here to pamper that hair of yours again"
[Pause]
Third competitor [tough]
"Ah good you're ready for me...cmon sit up a little I can't reach your head if you're all the way down there in a slouch...there you go much better...now I'm going to be using something they told me is a glove you use to take extra fur off of a dog but I feel like it will work here...I'm going to go for the more fast and aggressive style of asmr mainly because doing soft, slow movements for an hour would make me want to leap from the window...anyway, that's enough talking let's get to the scratching"
[Fast and aggressive scratching throughout this section]
"Was that a shudder?..hmm you liked it when I scratched this spot?..well, in that case, I'll keep scratching right here for a while ..heh it made you shudder again that's a pretty cute reaction "
"Yeah I called you cute what do you think I look like the of person that's going to blush and get nervous about calling you cute?...you are cute even if I have made your hair a total mess with this glove but I'll fix that later if I have time and if I don't I'm sure someone else will...plus if complimenting you might give me a boost in the rankings..well who am I to turn that down "
[Scratching continues for 1 - 2 minutes before fading out]
[Whisper]: "We were told to whisper at the end of our time for this part so we don't make you jump if you've gotten all zen and sleepy..you'd better still be awake actually...ah good you smiled you are awake...anyway, I fixed your hair the best I could and my numbers in your pocket...I saw the others in there too..someone is a popular judge hehe...anywayI'lll leave now and let my last opponent in but give me a call if you wanna hang out sometime either as friends or maybe more..or maybe just to have me play with your hair again..all options work for me"
[Door opens and they leave]
Competition representative: "Hello again I hope you are doing OK, there's just one competitor left for today then you're done, well as long as you stay awake of course heh ...anyway do you need anything before I send them in?..no?..ok great I will send them in straight away and you can just relax again"
Forth competitor [slightly bimbo/himbo]
"Hi I'm here for the competition?..oh of course you know that you're the judge heh ...so I grabbed a comb from the stand on the way in so I guess I'm going to be combing your hair..honestly you look like you need it your hair is super messy"
[Hair combing sounds]
"Ooh so soft..not as soft as mine of course but still very soft ..what do you use?... ooh I use that as well but you should try adding some lavender to it... It will make your hair even softer and give it a super pretty shine ."
"Hehe you're welcome..oh right you're meant to be relaxing not having a chat with me so shh you'll get me in trouble and I want to try winning hehe "
"My friend would love your hair tho ...have you met them yet?..we came together but got split up... I feel kinda bad about that because I didn't read the rules properly before we signed up...they're shorter than me and kinda quiet with black hair..oh you did?... great and did they like your hair?"
"Haha I knew they would...they always stroke mine when we hang out at my house...even if they do say it's always an accident of some kind "
[Whisper]:" I know it isn't but I don't mind..it feels nice but I should get back to making you feel good instead so I'll stop speaking and keep combing for a while"
[Combing continues for 1 - 2 minutes before fading out]
[Whisper]: "Hehe don't fall asleep cutie ....I've finished but I want to do this again sometime so I put my number in your pocket with the rest of them ...I saw my friend put theirs in too ...that's genuinely so funny because they never give their number to anyone so they must have really liked you...bye bye now..I hope you call maybe we can both pamper this pretty hair of yours"
[Door opens and they leave]
Competition representative: "Hi again just me coming to tell you that you're done for the day and you're welcome to stay for as long as you need until the building closes in around 6 hours but please rank them on your board before turning it in ...you won't get any more guests today however so you might get bored just sitting there...heh, I hope this is OK to say but you look super tired...did the extra asmr make you a little too sleepy to get up?"
"Hmm well in that case how about I do this and help you get a little nap in before you leave?"
[Gentle scalp scratching begins again]
"That's right since you were such a big help today I'm going to play with your hair until you fall asleep "
"Well no I'm not technically supposed to be doing this but your co-judge fell asleep on their second competitor so I have some time before they have to restart ...in the meantime, I get to help my favourite judge get some rest as well as getting to feel this soft hair for myself "
[Whisper]: "your my favourite because you give me less work to do by the way hehe ...of course being cute doesn't hurt...now relax, close your eyes and melt under the sensation of my nails scratching your scalp ...you've earned it by staying awake for this long and by saving my butt by agreeing to double your time here ..thank you for that again by the way"
[Scalp scratching sounds continue for 1 - 2 minutes before fading out]
[In the speakers' mind]: "Aww they fell asleep so fast I didn't even have time to find out their favourite competitor...hehe well I can't blame them... they have had a lot of sleepy tingles today I'm honestly surprised they managed to avoid falling asleep for as long as they did"
[Whisper]: "Sleep well sweetie... I'll add my number to the others...I do hope you'll call ...maybe you can even sign up to judge the other days and I can see you again even sooner"
[They leave and the audio ends]
.

For part 1 click here
Sunny left the room in an uproar to look for Adam.
The translation unit was almost overloaded with the noise behind her, but she didn't need it to understand the human's words as they yelled at each other, both sides polarizing for and against her and Adam as she stepped from the room.
Truth be told it didn't bother Sunny much, having spent her entire life rejected by her own mother, having only recently gotten over that, she found that dealing with other people wasn't so hard, but she knew what this meant for Adam as close to his family as he was.
She found him outside on the deck pacing back and forth with his hands behind his back. She was surprised to see more anger in his expression than fear or doubt. His chin was held high, jaw clenched.
She knew that look.
"Are you ok?”
He swiveled to face her, his face flushed with red.
"I think I might have screwed up."
His voice was calm.
Sunny tilted her head,
“What's done is done."
He paused and nodded in agreement.
She offered up the plate she had brought him,
"Are you going to eat, or should I just throw this away?”
He paused looking at the plate and then looked up at the sky and sighed deeply.
"No I... I have something I need to do."
And then to her surprise he turned back on his heel and marched back into the house, leaving her standing confused in his wake. Still holding the plate, she hurried after him, finding she had to jog lightly to keep up with his strides despite him being a foot shorter than her as he marched through the living room and back into the dining room where the tumult had only gotten louder. Martha was standing alongside her husband across the table from her parents and an uncle. David was red in the face standing next to his mother as Jordan held onto his arm trying to calm him down. Uncle Ben and his family Sat wide eyed in silence as Maya herded the children out of the room and into the next. David and Jordan's son had burst into tears at the uproar and Kimber was valiantly trying to calm him down as she was led away.
Eris sat shrunken into the corner, holding her hoodie down over her ears rocking back and forth seeming like she was suffering some kind of breakdown.
Adam paused at the head of the table and tried to shout to be heard over the tumult, but despite his best efforts he was being drowned out.
Sunny pulled up next to him drawing in a breath to give them her best war cry.
They had tested it at one point a Drev at the height of shouting could reach 140 decibels which was as loud as a gunshot, but just as she was about ready to start, Eris took to her feet hands balled into fists.
"Everyone just, STOP!!!"
Her voice wasn't very loud, but the psychic wave that she produced hit the entire room like an explosion. The humans rocked on their feet, hands to their heads. A couple fell out of their seats clutching their ears. Sunny felt dizzy, and when she was finally able to look up the room was a picture of silent carnage, almost akin to a renaissance painting. Adam's family members were hunched or crouched next to their seats, their hands over their ears. Some lay on the floor looking shocked. Uncle Ben was holding a shattered glass.
Adam was the only one still standing, but instead of addressing the room he hurried across the floor to where Eris was still sitting on her seat, hands over her ears. He knelt in front of her and gently took her hands,
"I'm so sorry Eris, here..."
He paused and then turned towards where Thoms was sitting hand still to his head,
"Thomas can you go get the car started and maybe take Eris out for a little?”
The other man nodded dumbly, still holding his head as he got up,
Adam was still holding Eris hands,
"Hey, hey look at me. Thomas is going to go start the car, and I want you to go with him somewhere quieter, ok? While I get all of this sorted out. I'm so sorry kid, this is my fault."
She shook her head, but he wouldn't hear it, kissing the top of her head through her hoodie and then helping her to her feet where she hurried outside.
The entire room remained silent as Adam waited for the sound of the retreating car before he turned back to the room.
The look on his face was thunderous, and Sunny, realizing that she was not needed, plopped herself down in Thomas's vacated chair between a wide-eyed Grandpa Vir, and one of the aunts, and pulled the big salad bowl towards her. If she was going to be entertained, she might as well have a snack while doing it.
Adam, still standing at the head of the table looked a bit nonplussed as he stared at her, and she watched as the entire family's eyes turned to look at her. She crunched slowly on another piece of iceberg lettuce and motioned for them to continue.
”Give ‘em hell tiger! Don’t mind me.”
Adam took a deep breath and sighed before beginning,
"How DARE you!?"
The room was still silent.
He turned to make eye contact with everyone in the room, his single eye staring at them with such condemnation that many lowered their heads,
"Fighting, in front of the kids and guests like this!? It's reprehensible! Absolutely disgusting!”
He pounded his fist against the table,
"I thought you all were better than this!”
They looked down.
"When I was young MY family taught me to be accepting and inclusive of everyone. I was taught to be polite, caring and even love those who I disagreed with."
He paused for a moment gathering his thoughts,
"Since joining the UNSC I have met a lot of people and done a lot of things and during that time I have had the opportunity to better learn courage and compassion in a way that I don't think others will ever have the privilege of doing. So, shame on you, shame on you all for behaving like this after teaching me what you tried to teach."
He jabbed a finger at Martha's parents,
"You two especially, all dinner I have had to sit here and listen while the two of you made embarrassing and xenophobic comments at the behest of my friend..."
He paused then shook his head,
"No scratch that, the Love of my life, and my girlfriend, and I am sick and tired of hearing it! Plus, all of that bestiality bullshit!”
He slammed his hands against the table again,
"Bestiality!? Seriously!? That’s the most insulting thing I have ever heard in my entire life!!! She's NOT an ANIMAL, she is a sentient thinking person who is, and I have no DOUBT in my mind of this, waaay smarter than I will ever be. There is nothing wrong here, the only thing wrong is your fear and your prejudices. Finally, I find someone who I really care about and for some reason unknown to me that has to be some sort of problem?"
He glowered around the room.
Uncle Ben sat in his seat looking almost apologetic. Martha's mother looked as if she was about to cry while her husband looked silently defiant. Grandpa and Grandma Vir just looked on awkwardly.
"So does anyone have a problem with that?"
He went silent as the room waited.
It was then that Jim Vir, who had been, up until this point, sitting, still eating his dinner, picked up his glass and raised it,
"Here here!”
Jeremy, Maya, and David quickly grabbed their drinks too and raised them with their dad. Martha did the same, and eventually Grandma Vir raised her glass as well. A few members of the family seemed surprised, but followed suit. Of course, not everyone joined in. Uncle Ben's wife didn’t, and Martha's parents didn't, a few others were either too shocked or disgusted to do so. Once it was all over Martha's father stood, took his plate and walked into the study, shutting the door behind him leaving his wife sitting tearfully at the table.
Everyone waited…
Adam looked at his mother.
She motioned him to sit, and he did, and she took her seat as well.
Sunny watched as the family slowly groaned back into place as David forced a conversation between himself and uncle Ben. Eventually the table was speaking again, and the children slowly filtered back in. Jordan went out to comfort their son, who was brought back red eyed and puffy cheeked, but happy enough. Kimber, smart for her age, walked in and hugged Adam once, before running over to sit next to Sunny. Both Waffles and Jeffrey had come over to sit with Adam, Waffles resting on his feet and Jeffrey slithering out his human leg.
The table remained tense.
Sunny didn't mind. She was almost having fun occasionally shooting a glance over at Adam who remained stiff and straight backed.
Martha's mother eventually opened her mouth in a gargantuan effort to seem polite, looked at Sunny,
"So uh... Sunny why don't you tell us about your family?”
Adam stiffened the fork halfway to his lips, David spilled water on his lap and Martha choked on her food.
"Oh… My mother tried to throw me into a volcano when I was born and my father is dead. It was a glorious death though, Adam was pretty much directly responsible for it. As for my mother, she tried to kill me, so Adam beat her unconscious with a rock, then she later came back and tried to kill him, so I crippled her and now she’s as good as dead, rotting in the GA’s biggest, most secured prison.”
Someone's glass shattered, uncle Ben tipped his plate onto his lap and Maya's husband looked as if he wanted to sink through the floor.
The table went silent again.
Across the table there was a sudden snorting noise, and Sunny turned her head to see Jim holding a glass to his lips. His eyes were squinted shut. He slowly lowered the glass from his mouth other hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking.
The entire table stared at him.
It continued to shake for a little bit until a small squeak escaped him, and then he could no longer contain himself as full low laughter broke from him, shaking the table and causing the glassware to clatter.
Sunny was the second person to begin laughing until the entire table was uneasily going along with it.
"Oh heavens!"
Jim punted,
"What a clusterfuck!”
"Jim!"
Martha scolded him as he continued to giggle,
"This couldn't get worse, could it? Like objectively more awkward?"
Adam was smiling slightly as his father laughed, taking another sip of his drink. Sunny hummed low in her chest setting the empty salad bowl back on the table.
Jim waved a hand at Adam,
"Go on, get out of here before it gets worse."
He continued to laugh. Adam looked relieved and thanked his dad before standing. Sunny did the same, and in a seemingly random act of defiance Adam took her hand as he walked out. Sunny hummed softly as she was dragged towards the front door and outside.
He paused to take a deep breath once they were out on the front porch.
He turned to look at her and she tilted her head,
"So, does this mean we are a thing again?"
Adam paused, withered as if he was going to back out and then set his jaw straightening up with a deep breath,
"If you'd take me back, then yes."
She tilted her head as if thinking about it, but seeing the encroaching panic on the man's face she nodded,
"Yes obviously, I'm sorry, I won't tease you anymore."
The look of relief on his face was almost heartbreaking as he grabbed her hand again,
"Come on."
"Come on what?"
"We are going on a date."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, really now get in the damn car before I have a heart attack."
"Mmmmm you're kinda cute when you order me around."
He raised an eyebrow at her from over the car roof,
"Oh yeah? Well, there's more where that came from."
She hummed again as she took her seat, the car doors slamming on either side of them. She listened to the engine as it thrummed to life. She glanced over at him, only to see him whiteknuckling the steering wheel as they drove down the gravel drive.
Sunny wasn't entirely sure if that was because of what had just happened or because Adam hated driving. They passed Thomas and Eris heading back and both paused in the road windows rolled down.
He leaned his head out the window,
"Hey you guys ok?”
Thomas nodded,
"Yeah Eris suggested milkshakes, so we went out."
He reached over with a closed fist, and Eris gave him a fist bump,
"Never told me how fucking cool my niece was!”
Adam smiled,
"I thought it was obvious."
"You guys leaving?"
"Just for a little while."
"How did things go after we left?”
Adam shrugged,
"I chewed out Mom's parents and then we finished dinner, got so awkward, dad laughed so hard he almost pissed himself, you know the usual family reunion shit."
Thomas snorted,
"Well you two crazy kids have some fun. I return to the house of Evil."
Adam laughed and the two of them slowly began to pull away.
Sunny watched them go and then turned back to Adam,
"So, you've never really called it a date before. A human courting ritual I assume?”
He nodded.
"What should I expect?"
"Well, we are going to go out and have dinner then maybe see a movie and go for a walk."
"We just had dinner."
"Yeah and I'm already hungry."
The two of them laughed and he took a long slow breath as they pulled onto the main highway.
He was a man of his word, and she got a second dinner before going to see a movie. It was an action movie, as the only kind of movies Sunny could really pay attention to, though Adam said she tended to ruin them by judging the realistic nature of the fight choreography before she pointed out that he always judged the planes.
[…]
It was later that night walking out of the movie theater laughing, that they fell back into step with each other. Sunny lifted her head to the night air breathing in slowly. She loved the smell of Earth. She wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because she associated it with humans, and that was associated with Adam. He took her down a partially lit pathway into one of the parks illuminated by the faint yellow glow of the lanterns. Other people were walking here too, and all around them bioluminescent bugs winked in the darkness.
Adam reached down to pick up a discarded stick, which he spun between his hands absently.
Sunny was just enjoying the air when she noticed a sudden change in his posture. It was only that notice that saved her, and she ducked as he swung, narrowly missing her beak by a few inches.
She dodged backwards keeping low to the ground as he advanced grinning.
"That is hardly fair, attacking me when I'm unarmed."
"Is it my fault you weren't prepared?”
Sunny dodged back, grabbing a stick from the ground and bringing it up to meet his downward stroke. She threw his attack to the side and jabbed for his middle though he backed away at the last second.
Their fight only grew more elaborate as they danced up and down the walkways, leaping up onto benches and playground equipment as they ranged across the park. Startled couples walking in the darkness jolted to the side as they raced past. Sunny cut down, shearing Adam's stick straight in half.
He looked down in surprise, ducked under her swing and then pulled back coming at her again, but changing up his style so he was now using the two sticks as weapons. Sunny found it rather hard to keep him back with two weapons against her one, though her reach was far superior. She caught him once in the side, but gave it up for a kick in the chest. She staggered back and he came in overhead with both of the sticks which she caught on hers. They stayed locked there for a moment before he reached out a foot and tipped her onto the grass.
She fell and he fell with her weapons still locked.
She looked up at him, the UV blue of his stripes rendered more purple by the dim light.
Sunny felt something rather strange just then and let go, flipping him onto his back in the grass where he lay breathing hard.
"You pulled your punch."
She grunted sitting up.
"I well yeah... I like you, I don't want to hurt you."
"You know where I come from since you like me, you should hit me harder.”
"Where I come from that is called domestic violence."
They laughed again and then paused still breathing hard.
"I feel... strange."
He propped himself up on his elbow to look over at her,
"What do you mean?”
She explained and he raised an eyebrow,
"Well, that's good, that's kind of how you are supposed to feel after what we just did I guess."
"What do you even mean."
She stared at him confused and he inched over, pushing her back into the grass before holding his hands up,
"May I define: foreplay. Now I’m not going to define you what “being horny” is, you can ask Ramirez about that… on second thought don’t, better not tell him about that…"
"Jerk."
She kicked him back onto the ground where he lay in the dirt.
"Since when did you know how to flirt?”
"Apparently since about ten minutes ago."
He looked over at her,
"Since when did you even know what flirting is?”
She grumbled,
"We have flirting on my planet."
"Punching someone in the face does not count as flirting."
"Then clearly you don't understand true romance."
He continued to laugh some more, but just then they heard a sharp siren and then were lit up by bright blue and red light. Adam sat up quickly, as did Sunny, and the two of them sat there in surprise as two figures walked towards them from the darkness, one of them holding a flashlight. Adam held up his hand to cover his eyes as the two police officers walked forward.
"Everything alright here?"
They asked, looking at Sunny in something akin to shock or awe.
Adam blushed,
"Uh yeah... Is something wrong, officer?"
"Just got a call a few minutes ago about a... Drev and some guy beating the shit out of each other in the park, that wasn't you two was it?”
Adam was blushing, though the lighting was his saving grace.
"Uh yea, that was us, but we were just... ahem… play fighting."
They glanced between him and Sunny, not entirely sure what to do.
Sunny nodded at them,
"Yes, we are sorry, and will try to tone it down next time."
The two officers glanced between the two of them, and one of them called in a false alarm on the radio before heading back to his car. Sunny And Adam ended up laughing again as the two men left them to be.
"Maybe we should go somewhere more private…”
"Probably a good idea."
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I don't know what happened to me, but yersterday after a dissociative episode during an argument with my dad something snapped in my brain. This state of mind is new, I feel like my head is light but I can still think but not in the same way as I used to, my brain feels inverted? Like my thoughts are leaving my body, and their floating/hovering above my head instead of being energy that connects inside my brain (how it normally is and how it should be), if that makes sense. I don't feel like myself, this isn't me, my personality switched - I feel like a bipolar person during a manic episode but with 0 emotions (I do not have bipolar or anything similar). I can't feel my emotions at all, sometimes my emotions climb up to my head whenever I'm hyper, but this time although I was acting hyper there was nothing happening in my brain, my brain and my body felt numb.
This morning when I woke up my head was hurting, like the muscles in my brain were tighten up and it created this god awful pain, when I would try to "get back inside my brain" (reconnect with my brain) there was this one part of my brain (near my left eye, in the left side behind my eye, infront of my left ear) where it felt like my brain was caving in, and I was afraid I would kill my own brain if I continued so I stopped and the pain went away (but if I focus again the pain will come back).
I'm always very aware of my current state of mind and emotions so this is sending me into a panic, I don't want to lose myself. I dont want to let myself be vulnerable to the influence of others and I'm afraid that in this dissociative state I am susceptible to being controlled. I have an irrational fear of being controlled/influenced (in whatever way), for reasons that I can't think up right now as I'm not myself currently (let's not address my irrational fear).
I know the likely answer to what this could be is depersonalization, though I find it hard to believe it's that since I've dissociated before and it was never like this. How can I get myself back to normal? Is this permanent? No I don't want therapy, the solution to my problem is leaving this environment, after that I know I can deal with everything on my own but I'm 16 so I can't, any coping strategies?

Orginal Story by C.K. Walker
Written By Ayden M.N. and u/Memisworld_23
SPOILERS FOR BORRASCA V
(Constructive Criticism is welcome and encouraged)
...
One hundred thirty two. That is the amount of people that were rescued that day on the mountain. I would be lying if I said it didn’t take me by surprise to hear the news about the stables let alone the number of people that were there. It makes me think back to when I was a kid and all the strange and tragic things that happened to me then. It's funny how time changes, how everything wilts away. How life goes on without a wait or stop. Sometimes you'll forget what lurked underneath, and when you do remember, it's already too late. I couldn't say my childhood wasn't bad but it's basically not as cheery as most kids have it.
My father was definitely sucked into his job as a lawyer, while my mom was bustling her back at an old diner, drinking her sorrows away. None had any time to spare for me, as a child. It made me a pretty independent child, and when my mother decided to give birth to Lucy, I became that mother figure that I never had. Aside from Lucy, I had nobody else to talk to. School in Drisking was okay, but I would be lying if I said it was a good experience. I was pretty much alone from childhood to teens. Most kids already had their own friends, their designated trio. I would always refer to it that way. It was by sheer luck that I really did find a friend. Someone who I could share my emo playlist alongside with and in return she taught me a lot about DnD.
However like if the world knew I was meant to be alone, she was taken away from me. I never knew what happened to her, but I beat myself about. If only I didn't moved from Drisking, maybe I could had found her sooner.
The one thing that has remained consistent is my ritualistic daily breakfasts at the diner. From the start of my freshmen year, I never missed a day of going to the diner. It was my way of getting my head together and preparing for the day ahead. Even into my adulthood, I never stopped going. Imagine my surprise when I saw a face that I’d honestly thought I would never see again. It didn’t click at first. I just felt like I knew it.
She was about 5’8” with asymmetrical short dirty blond hair. Her clothes were mainly black and I can just see something protruding from her around her waist. She had a plain black shirt tucked into her pants with a well-kept belt. She wore a Nobel 6 zip up jacket -Clearly a Halo fan- and a small d20 pin on it. Where this seems normal to the untrained eye, I can’t help but feel deja vu from looking at this woman. She seemed like this distant dream that is so fuzzy that it’s just familiar enough to almost recognize.
She walked into the diner and was given a table next to mine. I racked my brain trying to figure out who this was. I examined every part of her, again, and again, and again, just trying to make sense of who was sitting right there in front of me. She was so close, yet she was so distant from me.
“May I help you?” She sighs, putting her coffee down on the table in a way that I can only describe as a contained irritation. “Or are you just going to stare at me like I’m an exhibit?”
I wasn’t even conscious I was staring. She turns to me and it all clicks together. The d20, the jacket, and, my new discovery, looking at her closer and can see her, the freckle on her upper lip.
“Kat? Is that really you?” Stunned, I blurted out. I was adamant that that familiar woman had to be her. No one had that exact same freckle like her.
“That depends on who is asking.” She rolls her eyes taking another sip of her coffee.
She doesn’t recognize me? It makes since she didn’t. It’s been so long. Looking down at my empty plate, as I really wanted her to recognize me. Should I introduce myself? I thought, maybe I'll make her remember me.
“So you don't know me? I can give a hint, I'm sure it might give you an idea on who I am.” I nervously laughed, as I dug into my black leather purse.
Quickly, I pulled it out, plopping down a custom made d20 dice on the table. I remember painting my own dice black, since I was super obsessed with the color black as a teen.
“Wait,” Kat puts down her coffee again, this time with more of a clang. “What is that? Where did you get this?”
Placing the dice right next to my plate, I felt my throat lumping already.
“Remember on my 16th birthday, when it was only you and me. I remember we almost burned the house down because we had the dumb idea to bake a cake.”
“Pauly…?” A slow recognition comes across Kat’s face. Replaced soon by unadulterated joy. “Well, I’ll be damned!”
Tears started to well up my eyes, I was so ecstatic to finally see her eyes flashed with recognition. I slowly got up to my chair, every step I took felt like I was stepping in a pile of needles. Getting a great look on Kat, she looked different from the nerdy shy girl I knew. But, I didn’t care how different Kat looked, I was happy to see my old friend alive.
“I just don't know what to say. I thought I've lost you.” I whispered, my voice already trembling as I spoke.
“Oh,” Kat's voice cracks a bit too, pulling me into a hug. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
Kat seemed to be holding back tears. Just being with her now, I couldn’t even wrap my head around it. It seems so surreal. Even when I hugged her, it felt like it was a fabricated dream. But it wasn't, this was all flesh and blood.
“Just…how are you…I'm so sorry that I never found you. Everyone, even the cops told me that you were long gone. I had hoped you'd come back. Just didn't know it would take this long.” Wiping my tears with my sleeve, I hugged even tighter. She was much taller than me, so I couldn't really comprehend it.
“Hey, hey.” Kat chuckles a bit. Still holding back tears, I could tell. “It’s okay. You…There was no way you could have known. I have a lot of explaining to do, I’m sure but let’s forget about that for now.”
“Yeah…I'm just so happy to see you again.” I sat across from Kat's seat, picking up a napkin to wipe the rest of my tears. It rubbed off some of my mascara, making me think it was a horrible idea to try out some make up today. “So, um…what have you been doing over these years? I see you got a gun holster over there?”
“Well, I…” Kat cut herself off. “I was a SWAT operative. It’s, uh, a long story. How about you?”
“SWAT? No wonder you look so tough and badass!” I then continued enthusiastically. “Well, I'm actually a nurse practitioner. I'm very specialized in prenatal care. I know it's funny because I really didn't like babies back then.”
“Oh? That’s…nice.” Kat’s voice shudders. “And I wouldn’t call myself a badass for being SWAT. It…makes you question a lot of things about yourself for sure. It’s all in the interest of others though.”
My smile slowly fell, as I was scared if I might've made her upset. “I see, I understand. We both are doing jobs that help people, and probably had to endure some bad cases once in a while.”
“Did…did you ever find Kincade?”
Kincade. I haven't heard of that name since after moving Drisking.
I took a deep breath, as I responded. “I did manage to find Kincade after your disappearance. They never told me what happened, and I lost contact ever since. Last time I checked, Kincade moved to California.”
“Oh, thank god.” Kat sighs out of relief, as she takes a seat back down. “Knowing that girl, she’s living it up in LA. Well, I was actually in New York all this time. I thought it would be a good place to settle down. For what it was worth, the NYPD was good to me.”
“Oh I can tell she is. I followed her Instagram, and she's always posting pictures of parties and such.” I tucked a strand of hair in the back of my ear, while I pulled out my phone to show Kat Kincade’s page. “Even if they don't want to talk to me, I'm just super glad they're okay.”
I sometimes wonder why Kincade hasn't had contact with me yet, but deep inside I felt like they were somewhat upset with me. The strange thing was that once Kincade showed up, my mother just randomly disappeared. My father had always told me that she's just had it with us, and left to do her own life. However I never believed that story. Sure my mom was a raging drunk chain-smoker, but she always loved Lucy and I. Her just leaving out of the blue isn't in character, and I just know that something wrong might have occurred.
Kat inspects the page. I can tell it struck something in her. I knew from this point she was holding back a bit with her emotions but for some reason, this broke her. Suddenly I saw my childhood best friend break into a waterfall of sadness. She started to sob. As if she had a dam behind her eyes and they just burst.
“Kat.. Oh shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” I rushed towards Kat’s side, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
It broke me to see Kat this way, yet I couldn’t help but wonder what made her let out her tears. My eyes suddenly landed at one of Kat’s wrist, a light brown scar was marred on her skin. It was half covered by her sleeve, its appearance was more like a stab wound than a slash. I could tell Kat noticed me staring at it, as she quickly covered it up. The sky was now in a vibrant orange and magenta hue, while the bright sun started to slowly settle down.
Kat finally regained her composure after a few minutes of apologizing profusely.
“I know.” Kat weakly pushes out from her lips through her tears. “I know you see them. I know I have a lot of explaining to do. I got that…from a mission that I’m not sure if you’re ready to hear.”
Leaning against her shoulder, I looked up at Kat with an understanding expression. “I think I’m ready to hear about this. Over these years, I wanted to know what happened in Drisking. I don’t want to stay ignorant anymore.”
“Let’s…” Kat wipes her eyes, only for more tears to take the others place. “Let’s go somewhere a little more private.”
∆∆∆
“As you enter into the Church of the Overthrown Gods.” Kat dramatically pauses. “You feel as if multiple eyes are watching you. As you look closer to the rotting wood altar, you see a tiny eye just peeking out…and then another…and then another…and then another… as they rise up from the altar you see they are on tendeles attached to a large spherical mass. You see 10 tenderals rise all with snake-like eyes darting around the room before meeting yours. As the large mass comes into view you see one large eye on it staring at you and an unnerving smile as it laughs intimidatingly at you. As you realize what is staring back at you is…a beholder…and that’s where we will leave off tonight’s session!”
Several protests fill the room. It wasn’t out of character for Kat to leave off on a cliffhanger, but this is what we have been waiting for since the end of 2008. And even a year later, Kat always leaves the carrot dangling over our heads.
“Hey,” Kat shrugs “I gotta keep you hooked or else our three month streak of all of you attending won’t keep going.”
“Oh, fuck you, Kat!” Kami rolls her eyes lightheartedly “We come back every week regardless.”
“Yeah, but it's more fun torturing you.” Kat giggled while combing through her long hair with her fingers.
Shaking my head, I took a sip on my already luke-warm Snapple, “Typical Kat. Why do you always gotta tease us like that? I was literally witnessing my character finally healing from a poison arrow and just to end at that. I totally can't wait till the next!”
“Thank you,” Kat nods before getting up and starting to pack up and the group follows suit. “I cannot wait for next session. It’s a big battle so I recommend you all start doing some research on Beholders to be ready, because this monster is really tough. Remember, we are starting the next session at level 12, and I’ll see you all soon!”
After about 10 minutes, the rest of the group left except for me. I like staying after sessions with Kat. I don’t understand why the other two people in the group don’t stay. It’s not even 9pm by the time we finished and they are already out the door.
It’s sophomore skip day tomorrow and I sure as hell know everyone will be participating so what’s the rush? Well, everyone except for Kat. From all the time I’ve known Kat up until this point, she never skipped a day or cut any corners when it came to her education. It was admirable but also frustrating. I cannot tell you how many plans I had to cancel because she wanted to study. I never understood why she was so serious about it. It’s like her life depended on her making good grades and being a shining student. I have to admit, I am jealous of her dedication to it.
I would typically leave her to her own devices when it came to school but just by looking at her, she looked like she deserved a break. With the exams and the constant verbal battles between her mother and her father, I can tell just by looking at her, the pressure is on her. I could say the same for my home situation, but I'm already used to it, that it is practically normal for me. Kat, on the other hand, really deserved a break, just this one time.
While I was playing with one of the d20 dice, gathering up courage, I asked, “Hey Kat? Whatcha going do tomorrow?”
“Oh, um.” Kat says not looking up from her notebook, making some notes for the next session. “Just going to school, I should be able to go to take our usual walks tomorrow after.”
A smile crept on my lips, as I definitely predicted Kat's answers. Sure, I did hear that the Sheriff in town was going to give tickets to those that didn't go to school, but I didn't really care about that. I just wanted to have a chill day with my friends. After all, I busted my ass to at least have passable grades.
“Hmm. Hey Kat, why don't we…you know,” I nudged her with my elbow. “Skip school tomorrow?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Kat sighs.
“I know, I know. But I just feel like these days have been for us but we just have fun tomorrow.” I could tell that I was losing Kat already, her mind dead set on going to school. I tucked a strand on my blue hair behind my ear, as I followed Kat. “Kat, please. Sometimes I worry about you because you're working yourself out. Just this once, and I'll promise I'll try to raise my Geometry class to a B!”
“I suppose…” Kat thinks for a second. “It wouldn’t hurt to skip one day.”
“Hell yeah!” I tackled Kat, as I tried to spin her around in happiness. “I promise that you'll have the best day. That jackass Sheriff won't ruin our day. I'll make sure of it!”
“Alright! Alright!” Kat giggles “Fine. Just calm down.”
I feel a sense of relief coming from Kat like I somehow unlocked one shackle that she bore on her ankles. There’s still plenty, and this one is certainly not the heaviest but the littlest weight off of her is enough for her to appreciate.
I let her go as I dashed towards my Jack Skeleton backpack, fetching out my half torn notepad. “ I scribbled some of the plans I have for tomorrow. I was thinking we could dine on Prescott Artisan Sandwiches, and then maybe hike the trail over west of Crystal Lake. What do you think?”
“Yeah!” Kat exclaims. “I heard there’s going to be a few people there tomorrow. Probably could use the social interaction, or attempt to at least.”
“We'll have the lake to ourselves,” I chuckled, placing my notepad back to my back. I really did need a new notepad, however I remember my family was very tight on money at the time. “Oh I almost forgot that Kincade might be joining us too.”
“Sounds good to me.” Kat smiles. “Honestly, that girl needs to be a bit more interactive if you ask me.” Kat chuckles. “As if I’m one to talk.”
“That's why I invited her too. I feel like you girls could get along.” I then jokingly added, “Maybe you can indoctrinate her into playing DnD with us, eh?”
“I’m sure I can.” Kat giggles. “Alright, so are you staying the night tonight? I think I can take the car tomorrow so you can stay if you like.”
“I'll stay, but I should pick up Lucy. My mom said she left her by the Landys,” I rubbed my neck in frustration as I continued. “I hate how my mom just randomly abandons Lucy to strangers. Does she know there's creeps?”
My mother always had done this multiple times, even when I was Lucy's age. A seven year old like Lucy shouldn't be in conditions like this, and I knew damn well that my father won't be available till 7AM. I thought about maybe walking up to the Landys house, maybe it was like 3 blocks or so.
“I think I'll walk to get Lucy. You wouldn't mind my little sis joining in our sleepover, right?”
“I mean, I don't have a big problem with it. Honestly, prefer it to just be you and me but I won’t be kicking and screaming if she is here.”
“That's true,” I nervously laughed, “Either way, Lucy is pretty much a sweet kid, and she will probably be distracted playing with her ballet Barbie dolls.”
Peeping through the windows, the sky was pitch black, almost like a void swallowing the whole town. I took a deep breath, before heading out of the door. Before stepping a foot outside of the wooden porch, I called out. “I'll be back, Kat. If I don't come back, the Skinned Men might’ve caught me!”
“Oh, don’t say that!” Kat calls at me as I walk away. She didn’t seem offended more lighthearted but there was a little seriousness there.
Kat always believed in the supernatural. While all of us grew up and just accepted it was just an urban legend that wasn’t real, Kat believed it. Kat even dedicated an entire essay on the history of the Skinned Man, and where the legend originated from. Needless to say, there wasn’t much to go off of and because Kat is very committed to things, she decided to embellish the details a bit and even I knew that a lot of that stuff was all pulled out of thin air and had no actual weight to it. They were just urban legends that little kids would scare others with. Along those tales were the Triple Tree.
Everyone would carve their names in the Triple Tree, serving like a talisman to these Skinned Men. If you didn’t, then I guess you were fucked. I never really carved my name, for some damn reason, my dad never let me. The moon shined brightly, casting light to these liminal streets. I was already used to walking at night, but for some odd reason, something was off. Crossing the right side of the neighborhood, I caught some headlights shining through the bushes. It looked like it belonged to an old police cruiser, and that alone made me start running. I was not a fan of the officers here, plus I was definitely violating a curfew.
“C’mon, Pauly,” I uttered under my breath, jumping through some fences.
I landed on the backside of the Landy’s house, my knees landing on top of the pavement. Hissing in pain, I slowly wobbled towards the front side of the house. It was stupid of me to think that I would magically land on my feet, but then again I had the shitiest luck. Quickly, I knocked on the door three times, after the fourth knock, the white adorned door swung open. In front of me was a cinnamon brown haired 14 year old boy, who had that bored expression that every teenager had. I recognized that boy as Parker Landy, the youngest of the Landy family.
“Uh, can I help you?” Parker wrinkled his nose, while he adjusted his glasses.
I furrowed my brows, “I’m here for my sister. For Lucy.”
“Oh, okay. Um, I guess you can come in.”
Parker reluctantly ushered me inside, as I wasted no time to search for Lucy. There, located in the dinning, Lucy was drawing while Mrs. Landy was brushing her dark little locks of hair. She was wearing a baby pink ballet uniform, the one that my dad bought her for her birthday. Ecstatic, Lucy jumped up from the chair and darted to my direction. We bid farewell to Mrs. Landy, heading out into the night. However, I caught a glimpse of her face morphing into a sorrowful look. ‘She must have been worried for us,’ I thought, mainly because it was just two girls heading out, embracing the unforgiving night.
“Pauly, where’s mommy?” Lucy’s wide eyes looked at me, grabbing my hand ever so tightly.
I sighed, thinking how to word out an appropriate response, “She’s just working a lot in the diner. So we can afford your ballet classes,” I had lied, flashing an assurring smile. I didn’t want Lucy to know the truth, she was an innocent kid after all.
Crossing up that same street again, I could sense that we were almost close to safety. Or so I thought. A slow rumbling sound of an engine followed behind. It was pitch dark outside, so I couldn’t really tell what color the vehicle was, but I did recognize it. What my eyes could grapple from what little information it had at the time, it was just that damn old police cruiser. Just as I was about to run with Lucy, the dark tinted windows rolled down, revealing an old familiar face.
“Ah little Miss Rhoades. What brings you here past curfew, hmm?” Ex Sheriff Clery asked, while flashing a very wide smile. I remember him being the Sheriff since the 1950s, not before being replaced by Robocop Walker.
Lucy bounced up and down, as she exclaimed “Me and Pauly are going home! Mommy and Daddy are still at work!”
Clery’s gaze looked back at me, his grin growing ever so slightly larger. “Oh really? It’s quite dark out here, you girls might need a lift.”
“No thank-” “Yes please!” Lucy quickly cut me off as she threw the car door open.
She quickly slithered herself in the backseat, while I was too stunned to comprehend. It left me no choice but to take this impromptu ride. Trembling, I sat next to Lucy, shutting the car door behind me. A loud click followed, as both doors were locked.
The whole ride I was scared shitless. I didn’t know why, but I guess I scared myself alot reading Missing Persons cases. I mean, I just entered a car with a person I barely knew. Yes, I know he’s a cop and his entire job is to keep us safe, but I couldn’t help but feel this sense of unease creeping into my conscious mind. It might be from the hundreds of “Stranger Danger” PSAs I’ve been fed all my young life. Lucy probably noticed how tense I looked, latching herself onto my arm.
“It's okay Pauly, the Skinned Men won't catch us anymore. We're safe here!” Lucy nuzzled on my arm, clearly obvious about the situation.
Sheriff Clery let out a chuckle, adding on “Little Lucy's right. No need to worry about those monsters when you're the old sheriff, eh?”
I nervously laughed along, just wishing that we’ll be at our destination already. That just put me even more on edge. I decided to dare a glance at the interior back mirror and I saw a pair of eyes seemingly staring at me and my sister with a look that just sent a chill down my spine. I tried to rationalize that maybe I’m just imagining things but the way he was staring at us was undeniably unsettling.
It was not after a minute later we arrived. The whole minute felt like hours, rightfully so I bolted out of the cruiser with Lucy in my arms. Before reaching the front door, the older man called out, “Be careful next time. You won’t know what’s lurking around these parts.”
After that the police cruiser drove off into the dark void of the unknown. That sentence alone carried an unsettling meaning, yet I could never pinpoint why. Objectively, it was quite normal. It was just a man showing a kind gesture but my gut was screaming not to trust this person. I tried to just brush it off as a misunderstanding but it was so strange I couldn’t.
∆∆∆
“So,” Kat began. “The place still has Prescott’s name written all over the place even after everything that happened?”
“I believe so,” I took a deep breath before continuing, “I really hope it’ll be over now. Sometimes, I wished I could live on with life. Like nothing happened, you know?”
The melody of the forest sung around us as we took in the fresh day’s air and the warm embrace of the midsummer’s sun. We’ve walked through this forest hundreds of times before but it’s like discovering uncharted territories every time we step foot in it. It feels different now. It seems bleaker than it was when we were children. Maybe it’s just an optical illusion or that every memory of my childhood feels like a dream.
“God,” Kat scoffs. “I’d scrub that name off the earth if I could.”
“I have to admit, everytime I see that name, something bad always happens. It's almost as if it was cursed.” My gaze shifted back to the abundance of trees, each of them being so eerily identical. “Thomas Prescott really did sell his soul, and everyone had to pay the price.”
“Don’t remind me.” Kat almost growls like a wolf to a degree that caught me off guard.
Shit, I definitely struck a nerve there. Why? Why did that set her off the way it did? I tried to change the subject into something else. I really didn’t want to upset Kat any further, I felt guilty just by saying that.
“It’s so silent here, I don’t know if I should be on edge or relaxed.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound like that. I don’t know what came over me.”
Kat’s eyes dart around before she runs her fingers through her hair with a sigh. It didn’t occur to me until just now that she had been watching everywhere and everything all at once. Every little movement her eyes locked onto. Could be just a natural reaction. I’m sure her line of work requires her to be hyper-vigilant so maybe it carries into her normal day-to-day life.
“You don’t need to apologize, Kat. I was the one who was pushing too much.” The wind blew softly, remnants of leaves danced in the air. It reminded alot about how life is, always pushing you in unpredictable directions. “I was thinking after this, maybe we should help each other out. My therapist gave me the advice that some wounds can’t heal by themself.”
“I can help you. I don’t really need help myself. When I was on the field, I was given state mandated therapy. It was important to do so to not go actually insane from all the messed up things we see. Trust me, there’s a reason why a lot of us quit after a few years of service.”
“ I see,” I gave Kat a crooked smile, “You're resilient, that's what I admired about you.”
Even after all those years, Kat still had those strong traits of being smart and strong. I could help but feel proud of her, and I wished her the best. I got closer to Kat, as I leaned on one of the oak trees nearby.
With a playful tone, I asked. “So when are you gonna show me how to use one of those?” I pointed at her gun.
“You?” Kat laughs. “I thought you hated loud noises?”
I shrugged, raising one of my brows. “Still do. It's just in case anything goes south. Or maybe I wanna impress somebody.”
“I’ll teach you soon. No doubt about that. I don’t have any ear protection on me and this beauty can get pretty loud.”
As we took in the forest’s lush surroundings, I noticed something that I haven’t seen before despite being out here for god knows how many times. There was a perfectly healthy tree in front of us but it seemed as if the bark had been ripped and torn definitely unnaturally; it had to have been done by someone, not an animal.
Kat and I exchange confused looks as we walk closer to the tree. Then, it all came together. I didn’t want to think that someone would have done this again. Not after the original was burnt to the ground a long time back. On the tree there were signatures. It sent an ungodly chill through my whole body. I looked over to Kat to see her reaction and she looked like she was frozen in time. With a look of shock and fear instilled upon her very body.
“It can't be. There's a new one here, but how?” My mouth was agape as I reached to touch the bark of the tree. My fingers grazed against each little individual signature. Each of them being unique, much like their owners’ names.
I look back at Kat. I realized I was mistaken, or perhaps it just shifted. Her look, it wasn't out of fear, no, it was out of resentment and hate and a boiling rage that I could tell is about to spill through. I know that even if I were to manage to say anything in this situation, I couldn’t prevent it from all coming out. What could I say? This isn’t anything I’ve seen from Kat. She always had a way to relieve her own anger but this was an anger that even the cool-minded Kat could not keep under control. Like a wildfire that had found a negligent camper’s gasoline can.
“Kat–”
“They think they can control me even in death but they can’t.” Kat whispers to herself quickly. I barely had time to process before the wildfire finally found the gas. “THEY FUCKING CAN’T!”
Kat lifts her shirt slightly, revealing her concealed gun. A Pit Viper. She draws it at a speed I barely had time to comprehend as she switches off the safety and takes a stance.
“Wait! Kat!”
That was all I could get out before I was overtaken by an ear splitting explosion. I barely had time to register the second one before the third went off. It was the same for the fourth and the fifth. My ears rang the loudest they have ever in my life as the pain in my ears set in and the agony of my head throbbing so hard that I thought my brain would burst from it alone. The sounds echoed through the forest. All the birds and the bugs and creatures stopped in unison as if Kat slain them herself.
And then.
Silence.

FYI, this is a story COLLECTION. Lots of standalones technically. So, you can basically start to read at any chapter, no pre-read of the other chapters needed technically (other than maybe getting better descriptions of characters than: Adam Vir=human, Krill=antlike alien, Sunny=tall alien, Conn=telepathic alien). The numbers are (mostly) only for organization of posts and continuity.
OC Written by Charlie Stastarrfallknightrise,
Typed up and then posted here by me.
Proofreading and language check for some chapters by u/Finbar9800 u/BakeGullible9975 u/Didnotseemecomein and u/medium_jock
Future Lore and fact check done by me.
Domestic assault? Whaaaat? Noooo! That’s just normal romantic Drev foreplay!
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Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
Sunny left the room in an uproar to look for Adam.
The translation unit was almost overloaded with the noise behind her, but she didn't need it to understand the human's words as they yelled at each other, both sides polarizing for and against her and Adam as she stepped from the room.
Truth be told it didn't bother Sunny much, having spent her entire life rejected by her own mother, having only recently gotten over that, she found that dealing with other people wasn't so hard, but she knew what this meant for Adam as close to his family as he was.
She found him outside on the deck pacing back and forth with his hands behind his back. She was surprised to see more anger in his expression than fear or doubt. His chin was held high, jaw clenched.
She knew that look.
"Are you ok?”
He swiveled to face her, his face flushed with red.
"I think I might have screwed up."
His voice was calm.
Sunny tilted her head,
“What's done is done."
He paused and nodded in agreement.
She offered up the plate she had brought him,
"Are you going to eat, or should I just throw this away?”
He paused looking at the plate and then looked up at the sky and sighed deeply.
"No I... I have something I need to do."
And then to her surprise he turned back on his heel and marched back into the house, leaving her standing confused in his wake. Still holding the plate, she hurried after him, finding she had to jog lightly to keep up with his strides despite him being a foot shorter than her as he marched through the living room and back into the dining room where the tumult had only gotten louder. Martha was standing alongside her husband across the table from her parents and an uncle. David was red in the face standing next to his mother as Jordan held onto his arm trying to calm him down. Uncle Ben and his family Sat wide eyed in silence as Maya herded the children out of the room and into the next. David and Jordan's son had burst into tears at the uproar and Kimber was valiantly trying to calm him down as she was led away.
Eris sat shrunken into the corner, holding her hoodie down over her ears rocking back and forth seeming like she was suffering some kind of breakdown.
Adam paused at the head of the table and tried to shout to be heard over the tumult, but despite his best efforts he was being drowned out.
Sunny pulled up next to him drawing in a breath to give them her best war cry.
They had tested it at one point a Drev at the height of shouting could reach 140 decibels which was as loud as a gunshot, but just as she was about ready to start, Eris took to her feet hands balled into fists.
"Everyone just, STOP!!!"
Her voice wasn't very loud, but the psychic wave that she produced hit the entire room like an explosion. The humans rocked on their feet, hands to their heads. A couple fell out of their seats clutching their ears. Sunny felt dizzy, and when she was finally able to look up the room was a picture of silent carnage, almost akin to a renaissance painting. Adam's family members were hunched or crouched next to their seats, their hands over their ears. Some lay on the floor looking shocked. Uncle Ben was holding a shattered glass.
Adam was the only one still standing, but instead of addressing the room he hurried across the floor to where Eris was still sitting on her seat, hands over her ears. He knelt in front of her and gently took her hands,
"I'm so sorry Eris, here..."
He paused and then turned towards where Thoms was sitting hand still to his head,
"Thomas can you go get the car started and maybe take Eris out for a little?”
The other man nodded dumbly, still holding his head as he got up,
Adam was still holding Eris hands,
"Hey, hey look at me. Thomas is going to go start the car, and I want you to go with him somewhere quieter, ok? While I get all of this sorted out. I'm so sorry kid, this is my fault."
She shook her head, but he wouldn't hear it, kissing the top of her head through her hoodie and then helping her to her feet where she hurried outside.
The entire room remained silent as Adam waited for the sound of the retreating car before he turned back to the room.
The look on his face was thunderous, and Sunny, realizing that she was not needed, plopped herself down in Thomas's vacated chair between a wide-eyed Grandpa Vir, and one of the aunts, and pulled the big salad bowl towards her. If she was going to be entertained, she might as well have a snack while doing it.
Adam, still standing at the head of the table looked a bit nonplussed as he stared at her, and she watched as the entire family's eyes turned to look at her. She crunched slowly on another piece of iceberg lettuce and motioned for them to continue.
”Give ‘em hell tiger! Don’t mind me.”
Adam took a deep breath and sighed before beginning,
"How DARE you!?"
The room was still silent.
He turned to make eye contact with everyone in the room, his single eye staring at them with such condemnation that many lowered their heads,
"Fighting, in front of the kids and guests like this!? It's reprehensible! Absolutely disgusting!”
He pounded his fist against the table,
"I thought you all were better than this!”
They looked down.
"When I was young MY family taught me to be accepting and inclusive of everyone. I was taught to be polite, caring and even love those who I disagreed with."
He paused for a moment gathering his thoughts,
"Since joining the UNSC I have met a lot of people and done a lot of things and during that time I have had the opportunity to better learn courage and compassion in a way that I don't think others will ever have the privilege of doing. So, shame on you, shame on you all for behaving like this after teaching me what you tried to teach."
He jabbed a finger at Martha's parents,
"You two especially, all dinner I have had to sit here and listen while the two of you made embarrassing and xenophobic comments at the behest of my friend..."
He paused then shook his head,
"No scratch that, the Love of my life, and my girlfriend, and I am sick and tired of hearing it! Plus, all of that bestiality bullshit!”
He slammed his hands against the table again,
"Bestiality!? Seriously!? That’s the most insulting thing I have ever heard in my entire life!!! She's NOT an ANIMAL, she is a sentient thinking person who is, and I have no DOUBT in my mind of this, waaay smarter than I will ever be. There is nothing wrong here, the only thing wrong is your fear and your prejudices. Finally, I find someone who I really care about and for some reason unknown to me that has to be some sort of problem?"
He glowered around the room.
Uncle Ben sat in his seat looking almost apologetic. Martha's mother looked as if she was about to cry while her husband looked silently defiant. Grandpa and Grandma Vir just looked on awkwardly.
"So does anyone have a problem with that?"
He went silent as the room waited.
It was then that Jim Vir, who had been, up until this point, sitting, still eating his dinner, picked up his glass and raised it,
"Here here!”
Jeremy, Maya, and David quickly grabbed their drinks too and raised them with their dad. Martha did the same, and eventually Grandma Vir raised her glass as well. A few members of the family seemed surprised, but followed suit. Of course, not everyone joined in. Uncle Ben's wife didn’t, and Martha's parents didn't, a few others were either too shocked or disgusted to do so. Once it was all over Martha's father stood, took his plate and walked into the study, shutting the door behind him leaving his wife sitting tearfully at the table.
Everyone waited…
Adam looked at his mother.
She motioned him to sit, and he did, and she took her seat as well.
Sunny watched as the family slowly groaned back into place as David forced a conversation between himself and uncle Ben. Eventually the table was speaking again, and the children slowly filtered back in. Jordan went out to comfort their son, who was brought back red eyed and puffy cheeked, but happy enough. Kimber, smart for her age, walked in and hugged Adam once, before running over to sit next to Sunny. Both Waffles and Jeffrey had come over to sit with Adam, Waffles resting on his feet and Jeffrey slithering out his human leg.
The table remained tense.
Sunny didn't mind. She was almost having fun occasionally shooting a glance over at Adam who remained stiff and straight backed.
Martha's mother eventually opened her mouth in a gargantuan effort to seem polite, looked at Sunny,
"So uh... Sunny why don't you tell us about your family?”
Adam stiffened the fork halfway to his lips, David spilled water on his lap and Martha choked on her food.
"Oh… My mother tried to throw me into a volcano when I was born and my father is dead. It was a glorious death though, Adam was pretty much directly responsible for it. As for my mother, she tried to kill me, so Adam beat her unconscious with a rock, then she later came back and tried to kill him, so I crippled her and now she’s as good as dead, rotting in the GA’s biggest, most secured prison.”
Someone's glass shattered, uncle Ben tipped his plate onto his lap and Maya's husband looked as if he wanted to sink through the floor.
The table went silent again.
Across the table there was a sudden snorting noise, and Sunny turned her head to see Jim holding a glass to his lips. His eyes were squinted shut. He slowly lowered the glass from his mouth other hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking.
The entire table stared at him.
It continued to shake for a little bit until a small squeak escaped him, and then he could no longer contain himself as full low laughter broke from him, shaking the table and causing the glassware to clatter.
Sunny was the second person to begin laughing until the entire table was uneasily going along with it.
"Oh heavens!"
Jim punted,
"What a clusterfuck!”
"Jim!"
Martha scolded him as he continued to giggle,
"This couldn't get worse, could it? Like objectively more awkward?"
Adam was smiling slightly as his father laughed, taking another sip of his drink. Sunny hummed low in her chest setting the empty salad bowl back on the table.
Jim waved a hand at Adam,
"Go on, get out of here before it gets worse."
He continued to laugh. Adam looked relieved and thanked his dad before standing. Sunny did the same, and in a seemingly random act of defiance Adam took her hand as he walked out. Sunny hummed softly as she was dragged towards the front door and outside.
He paused to take a deep breath once they were out on the front porch.
He turned to look at her and she tilted her head,
"So, does this mean we are a thing again?"
Adam paused, withered as if he was going to back out and then set his jaw straightening up with a deep breath,
"If you'd take me back, then yes."
She tilted her head as if thinking about it, but seeing the encroaching panic on the man's face she nodded,
"Yes obviously, I'm sorry, I won't tease you anymore."
The look of relief on his face was almost heartbreaking as he grabbed her hand again,
"Come on."
"Come on what?"
"We are going on a date."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, really now get in the damn car before I have a heart attack."
"Mmmmm you're kinda cute when you order me around."
He raised an eyebrow at her from over the car roof,
"Oh yeah? Well, there's more where that came from."
She hummed again as she took her seat, the car doors slamming on either side of them. She listened to the engine as it thrummed to life. She glanced over at him, only to see him whiteknuckling the steering wheel as they drove down the gravel drive.
Sunny wasn't entirely sure if that was because of what had just happened or because Adam hated driving. They passed Thomas and Eris heading back and both paused in the road windows rolled down.
He leaned his head out the window,
"Hey you guys ok?”
Thomas nodded,
"Yeah Eris suggested milkshakes, so we went out."
He reached over with a closed fist, and Eris gave him a fist bump,
"Never told me how fucking cool my niece was!”
Adam smiled,
"I thought it was obvious."
"You guys leaving?"
"Just for a little while."
"How did things go after we left?”
Adam shrugged,
"I chewed out Mom's parents and then we finished dinner, got so awkward, dad laughed so hard he almost pissed himself, you know the usual family reunion shit."
Thomas snorted,
"Well you two crazy kids have some fun. I return to the house of Evil."
Adam laughed and the two of them slowly began to pull away.
Sunny watched them go and then turned back to Adam,
"So, you've never really called it a date before. A human courting ritual I assume?”
He nodded.
"What should I expect?"
"Well, we are going to go out and have dinner then maybe see a movie and go for a walk."
"We just had dinner."
"Yeah and I'm already hungry."
The two of them laughed and he took a long slow breath as they pulled onto the main highway.
He was a man of his word, and she got a second dinner before going to see a movie. It was an action movie, as the only kind of movies Sunny could really pay attention to, though Adam said she tended to ruin them by judging the realistic nature of the fight choreography before she pointed out that he always judged the planes.
[…]
It was later that night walking out of the movie theater laughing, that they fell back into step with each other. Sunny lifted her head to the night air breathing in slowly. She loved the smell of Earth. She wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because she associated it with humans, and that was associated with Adam. He took her down a partially lit pathway into one of the parks illuminated by the faint yellow glow of the lanterns. Other people were walking here too, and all around them bioluminescent bugs winked in the darkness.
Adam reached down to pick up a discarded stick, which he spun between his hands absently.
Sunny was just enjoying the air when she noticed a sudden change in his posture. It was only that notice that saved her, and she ducked as he swung, narrowly missing her beak by a few inches.
She dodged backwards keeping low to the ground as he advanced grinning.
"That is hardly fair, attacking me when I'm unarmed."
"Is it my fault you weren't prepared?”
Sunny dodged back, grabbing a stick from the ground and bringing it up to meet his downward stroke. She threw his attack to the side and jabbed for his middle though he backed away at the last second.
Their fight only grew more elaborate as they danced up and down the walkways, leaping up onto benches and playground equipment as they ranged across the park. Startled couples walking in the darkness jolted to the side as they raced past. Sunny cut down, shearing Adam's stick straight in half.
He looked down in surprise, ducked under her swing and then pulled back coming at her again, but changing up his style so he was now using the two sticks as weapons. Sunny found it rather hard to keep him back with two weapons against her one, though her reach was far superior. She caught him once in the side, but gave it up for a kick in the chest. She staggered back and he came in overhead with both of the sticks which she caught on hers. They stayed locked there for a moment before he reached out a foot and tipped her onto the grass.
She fell and he fell with her weapons still locked.
She looked up at him, the UV blue of his stripes rendered more purple by the dim light.
Sunny felt something rather strange just then and let go, flipping him onto his back in the grass where he lay breathing hard.
"You pulled your punch."
She grunted sitting up.
"I well yeah... I like you, I don't want to hurt you."
"You know where I come from since you like me, you should hit me harder.”
"Where I come from that is called domestic violence."
They laughed again and then paused still breathing hard.
"I feel... strange."
He propped himself up on his elbow to look over at her,
"What do you mean?”
She explained and he raised an eyebrow,
"Well, that's good, that's kind of how you are supposed to feel after what we just did I guess."
"What do you even mean."
She stared at him confused and he inched over, pushing her back into the grass before holding his hands up,
"May I define: foreplay. Now I’m not going to define you what “being horny” is, you can ask Ramirez about that… on second thought don’t, better not tell him about that…"
"Jerk."
She kicked him back onto the ground where he lay in the dirt.
"Since when did you know how to flirt?”
"Apparently since about ten minutes ago."
He looked over at her,
"Since when did you even know what flirting is?”
She grumbled,
"We have flirting on my planet."
"Punching someone in the face does not count as flirting."
"Then clearly you don't understand true romance."
He continued to laugh some more, but just then they heard a sharp siren and then were lit up by bright blue and red light. Adam sat up quickly, as did Sunny, and the two of them sat there in surprise as two figures walked towards them from the darkness, one of them holding a flashlight. Adam held up his hand to cover his eyes as the two police officers walked forward.
"Everything alright here?"
They asked, looking at Sunny in something akin to shock or awe.
Adam blushed,
"Uh yeah... Is something wrong, officer?"
"Just got a call a few minutes ago about a... Drev and some guy beating the shit out of each other in the park, that wasn't you two was it?”
Adam was blushing, though the lighting was his saving grace.
"Uh yea, that was us, but we were just... ahem… play fighting."
They glanced between him and Sunny, not entirely sure what to do.
Sunny nodded at them,
"Yes, we are sorry, and will try to tone it down next time."
The two officers glanced between the two of them, and one of them called in a false alarm on the radio before heading back to his car. Sunny And Adam ended up laughing again as the two men left them to be.
"Maybe we should go somewhere more private…”
"Probably a good idea."
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Intro post by me
OC-whole collection
Patreon of the author
Thanks for reading! As you saw in the title, this is a cross posted story written by starrfallknightrise and I'll just upload some of it here for you guys, if you are interested and want to read ahead, the original story-collection can be found on tumblr or wattpad to read for free. (link above this text under "OC:..." ) It is the Empyrean Iris story collection by starfallknightrise. Also, if you want to know more about the story collection i made an intro post about it, so feel free to check that out to see what other great characters to look forward to! (Link also above this text). I have no affiliations to the author; just thought I’d share some of the great stories you might enjoy a lot!
Obviously, I have Charlie’s permission to post this and for the people already knowing the stories, or starting to read them: If you follow the link and check out the story you will see some differences. I made some small (non-artistic) changes, mainly correcting writing mistakes, pronoun correction and some small additional info here and there of things which were not thought of/forgotten or even were added/changed in later stories (like the “USS->UNSC” prefix of Stabby, Chalar=/->Sunny etc). As well as some "biggemajor" changes in descriptions and info’s for the same stringency/continuity reason. That can be explained by the story collection being, well a story collection at the start with many standalone-stories just starring the same people, but later on it gets more to a stringent storyline with backstories and throwbacks. (For example Adam Vir has some HEAVY scars over his body, following his bones, which were not really talked about up till half the collection, where it says it covers his whole body and you find out via backflash that he had them the whole time and how he got them, they just weren't mentioned before. However, I would think a doctor would at least see these scars before that, especially since he gets analyzed, treated and goes shirtless/in T-shirts in some stories). So TLDR: Writing and some descriptions are slightly changed, with full OK from the author, since he himself did not bother to correct these things before.

Hi all - I very rarely post, but I'm at the end of my rope and could use some words of support. Maybe some of you can relate too, in which case we can rage together.
A quick timeline: In the spring and summer of 2020 I suddenly found myself with a lot of free time, so I made some changes to my health. I got into running, started cooking my own healthy meals and tracking macros, and went on Zoloft, which helped me muster through the pandemic on a mental health standpoint. I also had the Kyleena IUD put in for peace of mind and hormone regulation. At this time I was around 135lbs (my lowest weight, and probably a bit too low for my build). When life started getting back to normal in 2021 I kept a lot of the healthy habits I'd started but wasn't quite as stringent about them, and that year I gained some weight back until I was averaging a healthy-for-me 147-150.
I started noticing a slow but steady upward mobility in my weight in 2022, the year I finished grad school and made the move from small town life to the big city I currently live in. Since then I have definitely eaten out at restaurants more, but have made an effort to still meal prep and maintain a solid calorie deficit throughout the week. In terms of activity, I walk a LOT here, and I'm averaging 2-3 dedicated workouts a week between running and strength training. According to my FitBit data, I'm actually burning more daily calories on average now than I did in 2021.
And yet no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to be working. A year ago I was around 176-177, which ticked up as high as 185 by late last summer. At that point I kicked my workouts and calorie restriction into high gear (while also making sure not to under-eat and get the nutrients I needed), but was still around 182 by the end of 2023. I had never been that heavy in my life and felt absolutely awful.
So I started seeing doctors. Had every test run that I could think of - thyroid, cortisol, a full hormone panel, OBGYN consultation about potential PCOS - and all was normal. First doctor hit me with the "well, some people just gain more over different seasons" after I'd just explained all this to her in detail, then hit me with a fun little surprise bill for her troubles. Second doctor pretty immediately said "it's the Zoloft." So in January of this year, with the guidance of a psychiatrist, I weaned off the meds that had really helped me through some difficult times.
Between then and today (so about five months) I'm down to a low of 176 again. I say "a low" because the day-to-day fluctuations are so dramatic, I don't even fully know what to consider accurate. And the major spikes, which are frequent, make it look like I've had no progress at all. In terms of NSVs, I've noticed some muscle growth in my legs and that's about it. I've read that the IUD is another factor that might be causing this, so my next step is getting that removed...and that's upsetting as well, because I've been extremely satisfied with it otherwise.
The mental toll of all this has been difficult to manage. I know 176-182 might not sound like too bad of a range, and in fact one that is often aspired to. But speaking on my body personally and what I've known about it to this point, this is the highest I've ever been for no identified reason with no way to change it. The resulting dysmorphia has been bad. There are multiple storage bags of clothes under my bed that haven't fit in a year; these are separate from the pile of clothes that will "maybe fit soon if I work really hard." I don't recognize the person I see in the mirror, and even she looks better to me somehow than the person who shows up in pictures. The happy and healthy-looking me in the "memories" that pop up on social media make me want to cry. Physical activities I used to enjoy are more strenuous now. Throughout every single day my weight is at least in the background of my mind if not the forefront. I'm not really dating these days, and a significant part of that is my lack of body confidence - I keep thinking, how can someone else find me attractive if I can't even see it for myself? It feels like I'm being gaslit by my own body, and I'm not sure where to go from here if the IUD removal doesn't work.
So...yeah. I don't know. I hope this makes some sort of sense. And if you've made it this far, thank you for your listening ear. <3

My first experience with TTRPGs was when I joined the DND club in 8th grade. This was a while ago so I might have gaps in my memory, especially considering my mental health at the time. Middle school was a very bad time for me and I've always been very creative and imaginative, so I was looking forward to finding an escape in a fun fantasy world and becoming someone else. That did not happen. Instead I got a very stressful year long task to stop my party members from destroying themselves and everything around them, while trying to appease a very harsh DM that was there via nepotism.
TLDR: My first campaign was a mess because my party members were absolutely feral, our DM got away with everything because his mother was the teacher leading the club, and I spent the entire campaign miserably trying to keep everyone alive and together so I was unable to roleplay or develop my character. I missed one session and they blamed me for something they did while I was gone that was so horrible it killed all of our pets, including many of mine.
To start, I'll establish the characters. Obviously I will not be using any real names, and I will use the same names for both the player and their characters.
First, my friend Michael (who was a pleasant surprise, considering I didn't know he had also joined the club) made a rogue. He was either human or half-elf or something. He's chill, but a little neurotic. He obsesses over things and will focus on a task until it's completion.
A boy, Elliot, was a human paladin. His character was the tallest of the group by far, which was funny when considering his friend, Rory, was a gnome cleric and therefore the shortest. They were kind of a dynamic duo.
Then there was Kaya. Kaya was my "best friend" throughout all of middle school. I refused to believe it at the time, but she was terribly abusive to me. You'll see a glimpse into how that manifests later. She played an elven... rogue. I pointed out that having two rogues was probably going to unbalance the team a little, but Michael made his character first and Kaya was edge lord supreme so she refused to budge. She named her character after a Homestuck character, then declared her alignment to be chaotic evil. Elliot said that his paladin would never team up with a chaotic evil rogue, and the DM agreed that it wouldn't make much sense for them to be in a party together, so she begrudgingly agreed to change it to chaotic neutral. Her play-style did not reflect that change.
Then there was me. My character was a half elf who was either a wizard or a sorcerer, I can't recall. She was chaotic good, at first, but that quickly changed to neutral good. She was kind and empathetic and absolutely nothing else because I never got the opportunity to develop her, and you'll see why.
As for the DM, Aiden, he was... interesting. He was a high school student that came to DM for the middle school DND club because his mother was the teacher that ran it. More on him as we progress through the story.
I remember being a little disappointed because one of the DMs for the club was a teacher that I liked a lot, but he was already running a campaign.
Session zero was just character creation, really, there was no actual play that meeting, which was fine since we were all new to the game and needed help making character sheets. They made us roll for absolutely everything, including height, weight, and age. I found this amusing because I got fairly good rolls and my "best friend" Kaya got a middle aged short and stout character which she was deeply annoyed about. I teased her about it a little because she always made fun of my height (I'm 4'10", and was probably honestly an inch or two shorter back then). She did not take kindly to the teasing and got really upset and demanded to reroll, but we were short on time and those rolls weren't even that relevant so we just continued.
Aiden made me roll for what spells I got initially, but he let me choose one myself. I chose Charm Person because I thought it would be pretty helpful. Then I rolled and got Feather Fall (and I think I also got Shield? Though I might have gotten it later). I was disappointed because I didn't get any that would do damage. We all started at level 1. I didn't get any cantrips... I think I asked about them but he said to not worry about it so I listened to him.
The first real session, we were put in a charming little town with an undead problem. It was a good setup and a simple introduction for us as new players. All of the townsfolk in that village were named Hector, which I thought was delightful. So we'll call the starting village Hectorville. We decided to browse the shops while it was daylight and get equipped. Given freedom of choice for the first time in a game like this, Kaya and I instantly went and bought 30 live chickens between the two of us. I think 10 were mine and 20 were hers. We never really did anything with the chickens, we just thought it was funny to have 30 chickens trailing us at all times. That was the only chaotic thing I managed to do the entire game. I also bought a horse, which took a huge chunk of my funds but I loved her, I think I named her Eclipse. I might have also bought a dog, though I could've gotten him later I really don't remember. Either way I spent a LOT of my funds on animals. These animals are important later.
When we were in one of the shops, while we were having a lovely discussion with the shopkeeper, Artist Hector, Kaya was looking around for any particularly valuable items. There was an expensive enchanted necklace in a display case, and of course her first instinct was to steal it. I tried to tell her no, as we just started in this town and we should stay in good standing with the locals, but she waited a bit and went for it anyway. I think she failed and Artist Hector yelled at her.
After we did the initial quest of taking out a few of the undead, we were tasked by an elderly man to head to a windmill a little ways away from Hectorville to get rid of the wolves that had taken it over. I think the windmill also had something to do with the source of the undead. I managed to convince the old man to guide us to the windmill, though he waited a good distance away for us to avoid getting into any danger himself.
Long story short, we were absolutely no match for these wolves. We were torn to shreds and had a TPK. We were all really bummed out, and Aiden gave us mercy for the first and last time. We woke up in Hectorville, but at a cost. The old man had dragged us all back, and he had died from the strain of it all. I was super sad and I suggested that we go pay our respects at his grave. When we got there, I tried to do a little bit of roleplay and say a few words in honor of the old man, but Kaya immediately jumped in and asked if she could dig up his grave and rob his corpse. I was absolutely horrified and pleaded with her to reconsider and have some respect for him. She wouldn't listen and I told her that he probably wouldn't even have anything good on him anyways since he was just an old guy from a small town. The other players seemed kind of amused but stayed out of it, though they seemed to think it was slightly too disrespectful to do as well.
Obviously she didn't listen and she found a shovel and dug up his grave. All he had on his corpse was like a copper piece, a ring, and a picture of his wife or something. She was disappointed even though I'd warned her that would be the case. She wanted to dig up more graves but we voted to leave the graveyard to prevent her from getting us kicked out of the town.
The pattern begins.
Our journey continues, we travel, we go on little side quests, we get into combat, I'm basically useless in most combat scenarios since I have no damage spells and only have like, a dagger.
I started to notice that the DM is a little harsh. He'll make fights a little too difficult, enforce strange rules, etc. It's fine, it's nothing we can't work around (at first). We pretty much never did any actual roleplay, and when we did we were very awkward about it because we never got the chance to practice and get comfortable. Every time I went on for more than a sentence or two, Kaya would butt in and take control of the conversation or end the dialogue entirely with one of her antics. My character was not allowed to develop into a person, she was just the mediator trying desperately to hold onto four leashes.
I genuinely cannot remember if there was a main quest. I think he just kind of kept throwing various smaller quests at us, which was alright but I'm not sure if it ever felt like we were actually progressing. It was basically just us doing whatever we wanted, which actually meant everyone else in the party getting to do whatever they wanted and me trying to keep everyone from dying, or getting too separated and off track, or putting a comically high bounty on our heads, things like that.
At some point we meet an incredibly tall orange man. I'm talking comically tall, and not proportionally that wide, and he had like a little smiley face I think. His name was Orange. We loved him dearly. He essentially joined the party, and we could call him whenever we needed him.
At some point Elliot and Rory had an idea. Establish the Church of Orange. We all agreed, I was very on board since it was funny and harmless and could be a good side task to work on for the duration of the game. We built a little chapel and recruited some members and Orange was kind of just chilling, he didn't seem to mind.
Elliot and Rory decided that their characters should get married at the chapel. This was a spur of the moment decision and was one of the better roleplaying moments. Kaya surprisingly didn't butt in at all but honestly I think it was just because she was a fujoshi and weirdly obsessed with gay men. After they got married, they asked if they could adopt Orange as their strange son. They did so, and doted on him a lot. They were very proud of their boy.
After a little, though, they adopted me too for some reason. It was fine for a second before it quickly devolved into them berating me and praising Orange for no reason at all. They were incredibly harsh to my character and I asked if I could disown them but Aiden said no. Eventually they must've not found it that funny anymore so they stopped and essentially dropped that plotline.
Whenever someone missed a session, Aiden would make one of the remaining players take over and play both characters throughout the session. This included making important decisions on behalf of the player, with absolutely no restrictions. I thought this was a very bad idea and suggested we just have the character follow behind quietly or be off doing something else for the session, but Aiden doubled down and I quickly relented. I made it a point to never miss a session if I could help it.
One time, a few months in, Elliot missed a session and I was assigned his character. We got to a point where we had to all jump over a river of lava, and we had to roll to succeed. I rolled too little for Elliot's character. I begged Aiden to let me reroll or just let Elliot's character live because it wouldn't be fair to kill his character off when he wasn't there. He said absolutely not and Elliot's character fell in the lava and died.
I was very upset about this, and after the session I went to the club leader. I told her what happened and how he was frequently very harsh in his rulings, making it more stressful than fun. He was her son, so she defended him and brushed it off entirely. She also said he was autistic, so I should just let him do whatever. I am also autistic, but I didn't know it at the time. I did, however, know that my older sister had autism, and I'd known several other autistic people in my life. I empathized and understood that autism can make it very hard to understand tone and social cues and such, I struggle with that myself, but that didn't mean that she should baby him and never correct him on his mistakes. While my sister and others treat it as an explanation, he treated it as an excuse.
I mentioned his DMing style seeming odd or ruining the fun to her several times but she always took his side, so eventually I gave up.
Thankfully, when Elliot returned, he wasn't upset with me. I apologized profusely but he was very chill about it. He was a little bummed but he was content with making a new character. I don't remember what character he made after that, honestly.
At some point Michael's character also died, but Michael is the kind of guy who takes that in stride and moves on no problem. His character wasn't really developed anyways so I'm not sure he was even that attached to him. His new character was pretty similar. He was honestly the person who gave me the least amount of headaches and he is still my friend to this day. Shoutout to Michael!
We had a portal arc where we keep finding portals and going in without thinking it through, much to my protest.
Antics ensue, things happen, we go to a sandwich dimension where everything is made of sandwiches, there's a sandwich version of Michael's dead character, I find a breaded chicken (alive) and I adopt it, it's delightful. Kaya is still a constant headache and getting us into trouble, the other three are no help and honestly Elliot and Rory get into an equal amount of antics but they make it less of my problem.
We go on a quest in the ocean in a Bioshock-like underwater structure, Kaya is Kaya and upsets a large squid and we spend the rest of the session in squid-court for squid harassment.
There's a point where we're about to have a TPK, we're all on low HP and there's seemingly no hope. I feel useless, magic fire is closing in on us, and I suddenly have an idea. I ask if I can use my magic shield around us to protect us from the flames. He says yes. FINALLY! I'm useful! It's a really good day for me!
Then the absolute worst thing happens. I miss one session. Just one.
I come back mid siege. We're the ones sieging the town. I'm very confused and starting to panic and the first thing I ask is "which town and why?"
They answer with 'Hectorville. I dunno, we felt like it.'
I am absolutely appalled. I'm gone for one session and they're laying siege to our starting town filled with helpless Hectors? It's been going on for a while apparently and the Hectors had started getting desperate. A few fight back, but Kaya is way too happy to kill them (very violently). I'm still reeling and trying to catch up with whatever is going on. I'm asking a bunch of questions and not liking the answers one bit. They said my character agreed to it, which is so incredibly far out of character that I'm mad at the DM for even allowing it. They could probably have done it even without my vote so why'd they have to add insult to injury? Finally I ask, "Hey, where's Orange? And please tell me you left our chickens and pets in a safe place."
Aiden says the party left them inside one of the buildings. I asked, "in town?" and he said yes. The rest of the party was still smiling and were confused as to why I was asking about this until I slowly clarified, "you left our favorite NPC, and all our pets, in a town that you decided to siege. You left our 30 chickens in a town that you are purposefully starving?"
The entire mood of the table shifted from amused joy to shock and upset. Rory and Elliot were worried about Orange. Kaya was upset about her chickens, mildly concerned about Orange, and very upset about her dog. Michael was still mildly amused, actually. Probably enjoying their karma.
It was the end of the siege and so we rush in to the town full of Hector corpses and stepping over the few that are alive but too weak and hungry to move or attack us, and we head straight for where they left Orange and the pets.
Orange is alive and well, but all the pets are dead. I'm absolutely crushed. I beg Aiden to tell me that at least my horse is outside. He says no, Eclipse was in the building with the rest of them. All the pets had been eaten by the Hectors and by Orange, and he mentioned that Orange even ate a few of the Hectors when the pets ran out. Suddenly Elliot and Rory are appalled by Orange and they hate him. The complete 180 was baffling to me. It wasn't Orange's fault they left him in there and then sieged the place. It was entirely their fault.
Kaya is incredibly upset and she turns to me at the table and she starts yelling at me. "This is all your fault! You should've stopped us!"
I yelled back, "how? I was sick at home! You shouldn't have done this, you can't blame me for it! I wasn't even there!"
But for some reason she kept insisting that it was my fault that they decided to lay siege and she kept saying very insulting words towards me, calling me a b**** among other things, and I started crying.
Kaya and I didn't talk for a few days after that. This was relatively common, actually. She would get into an argument with me on purpose, then blame me for it, and then she would refuse to apologize and not talk to me for days. She sometimes started talking to me again out of the blue like nothing had happened, but usually she would actually start talking again if I had something she wanted, like food. She would only ever apologize when I refused to give her food until she said sorry. It was really childish, even for middle school.
I was so incredibly upset with all of them, especially Kaya, and I was absolutely baffled as to how Aiden let them do any of this to my character and her property without my consent. I reiterated how unfair it was to let huge character decisions be made when the player isn't present. He absolutely did not care and he seemed to find it funny.
In the final session, Aiden allowed us to do pretty much whatever we wanted, even manipulate reality. Like a sort of non-canon sandbox. That was nice, I suppose, but it couldn't make up for how absolutely exhausting the whole campaign was for me. In the end, I'm fairly certain we were all only level 2. Basically nothing was accomplished over the year-long campaign except giving me more things to talk about at therapy after I graduated middle school.
Thankfully, this first experience with DND didn't turn me off of the game forever. I've played in a few mini campaigns since, DMed for a campaign, and I'm working on preparing to DM again. I would love to be a player at some point again for a proper campaign, though. I feel like I need to replace that awful player experience with a much better one.
Also Kaya and I cut each other off the second we got to High School. At first I would honestly have mild panic attacks every time I saw her in the halls, but I got therapy and eventually I was able to ignore her. Haven't spoken to her in over 5 years at this point and I do not plan to ever again.
Thanks for reading this far, I know it was a long one!

this is a long rant - i've just ended a long friendship with someone i've lived with who i'm realising was displaying some narcissistic qualities. i grew up with a mum who had narcissistic behaviours, and i'm struggling a lot now with how much i've tolerated this friend doing after the upbringing that i've had. i feel like i'm going a bit crazy as i often don't trust myself or my memories of being mistreated, and assume that i've been too sensitive and that i'm in the wrong.
i'm typing up this rant with the aim of grounding and reminding myself that i'm not crazy:

• any time i disagreed with her it was taken as an attack - i walked on egg shells to speak to her as gentle and non-combative as possible. she would quickly escalate and start raising her voice or speaking in agressive ways. this would be over very small non personal issues (e.g. cleaning, misplaced items around our home)
• when i would stand up for my self and say my feelings were hurt, situations were turned back around on me ("are you sure that you're not just really insecure and you're projecting on me")
• her unhealthy behaviour was dismissed by her and swept until the rug - e.g. she shouted at me over a very minor disagreement in public and later on dismissed it by saying "oh i was just tired")
• if i asked her for a favour, it was met with disdain or passive aggression - e.g. i had an injury that got exacerbated and i asked her to take a bin bag out for me, she made a passive aggressive comment and walked out the room quickly before i could say anything
• i wasn't allowed to walk away from her in public, e.g. if we were in a shop/museum etc and i wanted to look at something a few feet away (in the same room), she said it made her feel abandoned and she told me not to do it, she didn't pursue any solutions to address that issue within herself and expected others to cater to it instead
• other times i disagreed with her, she would repeat what i said by mimicking me, and then say she was just joking in a sing song/passive aggressive voice
• she talked about herself constantly, complained all the time - expected me to support her through everything and validate everything she's saying. she rarely checked in with me, and when i reached out for support i often got very little back
• when we lived together she would follow me every time i left my bedroom to just constantly talk about herself. she'd often pretend like she hadn't heard me leave my room ("oh didn't expect to see you here") when our bedroom doors were right next to each other, and there's no physical way she couldn't have known. sometimes i would stay in my room for hours so i didn't have to listen to her
• whenever she has issues with others, she doesn't take ownership of her contribution to the conflict, and victimises herself and villainises others. everyone else is always wrong, she's always a martyr who is bravely
• numerous instances of her mistreating other people - i've heard her scream down the phone at her boyfriend saying he doesn't text her enough, she's rude to delivery people/wait staff, she's judgemental towards people who have less of a social life than she does

i recognise the role i've played in this by being in denial about her behaviour for so long and tolerating behaviour that i dont deserve. i wanted to take responsibility for myself by standing up to her and being clear that things needed to change or i was going to walk away. we recently had an issue with security in our home, which didn't effect her as she largely stayed at her partners place. i needed to have a conversation with her about it and found her acting in her usual way of acting like she was getting attacked when i was politely/non-aggressively talking to her.
eventually i got very riled up and told her my feelings were hurt, which she smirked at and rolled her eyes. i said there were patterns in our friendship which didn't feel healthy, with her being defensive, aggressive and hard to talk to, which was met with laughing and eye rolling. i eventually said that if nothing changed i would have to think about moving out, and left the room. she told me the next day that she's decided to move out instead as the situation isn't fixable, and we've barely spoken since.
i'm trying to be compassionate towards myself as i'm still healing from my childhood with my mum, however it's very hard sometimes to reflect on all the red flags that i've ignored in my friend now i'm seeing the big picture in hindsight, especially the similarities between my mum and this friend
has anyone been through anything similar and have advice? i'm so determined to break out of this pattern of ignoring red flags and allowing mistreatment from others, but feels like i have a mountain to climb here

Hi there everyone. This’ll be another part of the strangeness that has been my life. However, It just seemed right, since I shared my first story so it’d be only fair I share this one too. My name is Joey. I'm a 24 year old man. I live in Utah and if you’ve read the title you’ll know that this is about an older Church. One I used to go as a child at 6 years old. I grew up around and inside the Churches that have infested the entire state. Anyone that's been around Utah knows exactly what I’m talking about. Those that don’t, there’s a lot of Churches around here. So much so, throw a rock in a direction and follow and you’ll visit one. I’ll start off by telling you all about my childhood a bit.
I grew up into an adoptive family. During that time, 2006 was growing. With the dynamic being my Mom, Dad, Newly adopted sister and me. This year happened to be the same year my consciousness formed and memories started forming into my long term brain. My thinking during the time wasn’t entirely clear but my memory makes my body feel a shudder throughout my innards. I believe it’s time to get into my background during this year. For those that don’t want to know feel free to skip the next paragraph. Though the context is that I was abused. Making my prayers to God much stronger. So there's that warning.
My father was a drunk. I feel I don’t need to explain more here. My mother was more self preservative than I could ever know. Days and Nights blended together in my head a lot from my childhood. My mind blocked out a lot of those moments. My abuse was much more than my sister. Mostly because I took protective stance and hid my sister often while my mother would leave us there in the horrors of my fathers drunken fist. This happened this whole year all while the main story occurs.
Prayers. These were what kept me company after I had been left bloodied. Sundays were always somewhat of a safe haven at times. If you haven’t been, there’s a room inside some Churches that’s a large room with lots of windows used for prayer specifically. Sometimes, in my Church we used it for events or for youth group prayer. Never made very many friends in school or inside my time at Church. However, this is where things always felt weird and my memory persists something was wrong even as a 6 year old child.
The light of the day would shine through the windows inside the room and I would pray. Sometimes by myself. Praying my heart out that God had a plan to save me and my sister from the pain. Asking questions like “Why us?” “Were we bad kids?” “Did our parents love us?”. All hard questions to listen to. Especially coming from such an innocent boy. Every Sunday I’d end up in that room. Either alone or with few. Staying until the Church would close. As we only lived a block away from my house my family would leave me there knowing I knew my way home. It must have happened sometime in the summer when I first noticed it. I was praying just like I did every other Sunday when I caught a glimpse of it in the sunshine. A porcelain button on the back left thigh of the statue. This was odd and my child's curiosity got the best of me. I pressed it. I remember a door unlocking from behind the statue. Being small enough at the time I squeezed past and opened it. Closing it behind me.
It was dim but had some light from the old bulbs that lined the halls before me. I wasn’t as scared as I probably should’ve been but from my previous story you’ll know I wasn’t always the brightest. These halls were small to say the least. My own body could barely maneuver between the walls and it didn’t seem to get larger by any means. I recall walking for some time. To a child it was an eternity. A whole 20 minutes. But, I finally reached another door by then. I pushed it open to reveal that the way was sealed. By brick and cement. Saddened to not find narnia at the end of the halls I turned back and walked back. I made it back in time as the person closing didn’t even notice I left and escorted me out of the Church.
This wasn’t the last time I’d visit, obviously. I took a crude tool I made on my own calling it my “pickaxe” It was 2 old hammers I found in my fathers shed and happened to stick them on one hammer handle with nothing but caveman brute force and hopes I could get through that brick and cement to see what was behind it.. The pickaxe was just the two hammer heads with the nail removers facing outward. I remember this took me about a month's time to craft.
The next time I visited the door was on a saturday when we still had access to the Church but no sermon was held. So I took my weekends very seriously that fall. I would leave my pickaxe and a ninja turtles backpack there so I could dump the rocks and rubble just outside in the school yard a few feet down. The expeditions became my childhood obsession. An escape from my home life. It was only after I started leaving that my mother took my sister with her to my aunts house on the weekend. I continued throughout school when it picked back up in september. By this point however, I was getting closer. Closer than I ever thought I could.
It wasn’t long after this that my mom and dad got a divorce. I never minded it. Honestly, my first thought was how I could stay longer and see what was finally behind that door. Never had a second thought about the implications of the divorce or even that I was to stay with my dad for the time being. My mom always assured me she’d come back for me. It never happened. Despite the small delay from this I was quick to go back to the halls. The room had stayed empty for a lot of the weekend as they got colder and colder. Less and less people would stay around the prayer area. Soon after I remember it reached November. I was ecstatic when I breached the wall for the first time.
My life hadn’t been easy that year. Yet finally I was at the cusp of my adventure and I finally would receive my treasure. It didn’t matter if it was gold or a penny. I did it and it took me away from the horrors of my home life. Even if little me had no friends at the time until I met Michael, Ben and Austin later on. As in my previous escapades. I didn’t feel lonely. Only that I felt happiness for what felt like the first time that year. It was only when I saw what was behind it did I realize that I never should have chipped away at that wall. I should’ve stayed home and tried to make friends at school. Instead I decided to fly too close to the sun. In search of something that would change my life. Somehow in an odd way it did. Just not in the way I wished it would’ve.
The breach of light hit me. I saw through the hole I had made just large enough for me to see inside. It was another Church room. This one was, however, empty and dark. The windows shone only moonlight as I looked through. Yet I still knew in my head that it had only been about a couple hours according to my Spider-Man watch. Somewhere closer to 3PM that afternoon. So how was this place dark? How was the Moon out? Where is everyone? Why is it gross looking inside? These questions flooded my mind as I continued to chip away at the brick. To which by the end of this day I could easily stick my arm out of the hole I’d created.It seemed like literal magic to me. This must be something that God has finally given me. The thought my prayers had been answered flooded my mind the following week. Waiting and waiting for more answers. Thinking I just had to make it to Saturday that week. By the time I had gotten back on Saturday my expedition resumed and I was as eager as ever. When finally I had a terrible realization that same evening. My pickaxe was severely beaten and broken due to me just smacking it against the wall with all my force. It look disheveled and honestly I think back now and It most certainly should’ve broken many weeks prior. So my solution? Replace the tops with my dads 2 other hammer heads I had found earlier that summer. Wasn’t like he ever left his room other than to grab another pack of miller.
I should’ve seen something coming after taking the hammers. My dad soon went to work on a project and found that his hammers (all 4) had gone missing and I was the only one at the house. So inevitably I got grounded and beat. Luckily I left my bag and pickaxe at the halls. The next two weeks were agonizingly slow. Thoughts of what would be through that odd magic door rushed through my head endlessly. So much so I didn’t even get that much sleep by the end of the week. Regardless, I went to Church that Saturday morning. The same people there tried to greet me but I ignored them this time. Many were concerned about the black eye I had that was just barely going away now. At last I made it back to the spot I dug. I saw my Ninja Turtle backpack and my pickaxe waiting for me. The hole however, was larger than I had previously remembered. Enough so that my body almost fit. My child brain assumed that maybe it had been something like wind or something. We just learned about erosion a bit in school so it seemed logical at the time. Within the hour I was in. I left my bag and pickaxe and entered the old Church. I looked around and found myself in a regularly lit room with the sun out and shining. Though I didn’t understand why it looked like night time when I went looking through the sealed doorway earlier. My first thought was that maybe it was just later than I thought it was. My watch said 6 PM which meant I had about an hour before my dad would notice I wasn’t home. So I journeyed forward.
The Church resembled the one I came from. Eerily so. Same statue. Same layout. Even the same odd scratches and bumps I used to notice on the walls. The same all around but just backwards. Like everything had flopped on its head. When I left the large prayer room identical to the one I had left to get here. I saw a man at the podium. He didn’t look like my own pastor. He wore darker clothing and wore a symbol. A symbol I never saw before. Almost resembling the cross you might see at a train stop? He also spoke about scripture that I don’t remember. Reading from a book that was much thicker and more dense than that of the one I saw regularly on the weekends. Confused, I just listened. The sermon enticed me. Felt even more fulfilling than the current bible I recognized. I still remember the line that was spoken that drove it home for me. “To he who seeks heaven and hell shall find it. Naught to he who merely thinks about the idea but the ones that create it in their mind’s eye and heart. Heaven and hell are but concepts bestowed upon by the false idols of this world. The one true idol shant be the idea of these idols but the belief in oneself as the idol you imagine to be true.” I wrote down these words in my little notepad I had brought along to catalog my journey.
Listening to this filled me with the idea that I was in control of the things that happened. Not my father. Not god. Joey. After the sermon which lasted only a few minutes after the statement, I would walk up and talk to the man who spoke so clearly. I remember our small conversation from the notes I took.
“Hey there mister!”
“Hey buddy! Did you like the sermon?” He spoke so calmly and warm that I almost cried upon hearing him.
“That was really cool what you said.”
Thank you! Well I haven’t seen you here before. Where are you from?” The calmness in his voice never once struck me with malice.
“Down the street near the school. Right next to the 7-11. I get slushies there sometimes” I remember how hot my face was as I did my best to try and impress what I thought could be my new friend.
“OH! Yeah I know where you’re talking about. Do you know where you’re at buddy?” His question was the first time I felt he had some concern in his voice.
“No. I just found out this place was here.” I recall vividly looking down in shame.
“Well. We’re not really outside. See?” He revealed to me that a light on the windows could be turned on and off. Showing a moonlit night or what was currently the day time light.
Stunned, I immediately went into a small panic. “Then where is this place?”
He looked at me. Almost with a hatful look only a man I knew all too well would give me. I fully expected to be beat at this point. To my surprise he didn’t. He just told me a story. “What's your name buddy?”
“Joey, I’m 6.”
“Joey, huh. That’s funny. My name is Joseph but my friends can call me Joe.” His face turned into a very heartfelt smile.
“Hi there Mr. Joseph”
“Hey! I said my friends call me Joe! We’re friends aren’t we Joey?” this sentence made me feel a little more weary but nothing that seriously made me question anything.
“Yeah, hi Joe”
“Joey. Would you like to hear my story? How did I get here? Then maybe we can talk about how you got here?” This felt warranted afterall we did just meet and I was curious how he ended up here without my genius pickaxe.
“Yeah. I think that’s fair.” I think at this point my nerves got the best of me as I started to swing my legs back and forth.
He started.
“Joey, It was 1979 and I was just right out of highschool. I was gonna end up in the U! You know what the U is right?”
He chuckled as I nodded but this pause wasn’t long before he started up again.
“Well, I made it there. Met a beautiful beautiful girl. Her name was Marie. She was the love of my life Joey. She was my everything. I used to go with her everywhere. To the parlor where she’d drink soda and ice cream with her friends. I’d see her at the park or the drive-in theater sometimes. She’d always be so hard to get through Joey. She never said yes a single time I asked her out. Over and over throughout my college years I would ask and ask. It drove me nuts!”
He laughed so hard he threw himself into a coughing fit. After it he began again after patting my back. This time his expression was heavy and looked just like how my dad used to look at me before a beating. So I cringed back only for him to continue.
“Joey, do you know how lonely it is when a person you love doesn’t love you back?”
I nodded and I remember a tear or two fell from my cheeks as I recalled the way my father treated me. “Yeah I do. My dad isn’t very nice to me.”
He wiped my tears in a caring manner. “Joey, I did something really bad. I loved Marie so much and she kept saying no. I got upset and instead of talking to her. Ugh. Well. She had a boyfriend at the time. I killed him, Joey. It was in their house. Afterward, Marie woke up and she couldn’t believe it. She was gonna call the cops, Joey. So I ended up killing her too.”
The tone of his voice must’ve made me not think of the real intentions of the story. “So you’re a bad person than?” I reluctantly asked.
“Passionate, Joey. I did everything I could time and time again only for her not to love me. I found this place after I killed her. She went to Church in the other building. I carved all the rest of the bumps and scratches so that it would look like a reflection to most. I found this place with the button. Came here and I sealed up the entrance. Gathered up food and water from the store nearby and everything down here works great buddy. I don’t have to go back up. This also means I can’t let you leave. If the police find me then it’s all over and you can’t hear my sermons anymore. Don’t you want to hear more?”
Not quite understanding the situation at hand I nodded and agreed. I couldn’t go back to my dad after finding this kind person with the warm voice. Though I wrote most of what he said in my notepad that night. I slept in what felt like home for the first time in forever. I asked Joe why the place was built before we went to bed. He told me a small story about how the halls were supposed to be widened so that it could be a two story Church capable of housing more people than any other Church could. The building process became too pricey so they stopped production but apparently it turned to legend and he stumbled upon it when running away from his crime. Coming to the Church to repent. He found a book inside left by some teenagers. Apparently a book on satanic beliefs were the only thing he had close to him. So he wore the robes and ended up preaching to himself every weekend since. He dyed it a purple black from some beets and vinegar. I enjoyed my night with Joe. He was my friend.
A week had passed by. I hadn’t left Joe’s side as he taught me the insides and outs of the Satanic bible he held in his hands. I listened so intently that I couldn’t even think about going home now. I had food, candies, water, and juice boxes. All sorts of stuff. These were old storage stuff to last at least 40 years. Shelves and shelves of goods. For one man he’d only gone through about 5 years worth. He taught me about some of the power he felt from fasting. An idea I strongly hated at the time, but still I respected him for it. It wasn’t long before he indoctrinated me as his first disciple. I felt like I had a dad for the first time. He talked to me about school and everything in my life so far. He helped me learn to actually tie my shoes. He ended up teaching me more than I could ever learn from my dad back home. By this point it had been 3 weeks. I felt comfortable with Joe. Loved the way he made me feel. Like I was finally a person. Rather than a burden set upon my parents. I treated him better than I ever did the god I previously worshiped. After about a month or so we celebrated new years together and made loud noise and sang about our scripture and I thanked Satan for bringing me the thing I wanted most. A dad who loved me.
2 months in I was cleaning the place. Joe had tried to seal the hole but failed multiple times. The stuff was a bit too old to be used now. This would mark the police's first investigative lead on me. Since my disappearance my mother had been searching everywhere. The cameras of the Church had been searched, people interrogated. My dad was the first suspect in my homicide case. I say homicide because my dad was always spouting how I went and got myself killed. February marked an interesting time for me. The police found out my patterns. This led them down the path of getting a search warrant for the Church. They found the button in March of 2007. Shortly after this they found the wall. Found my bag. Found the pickaxe.
They blew it down. They shot Joe. “Saved” me.
Little did they know. I never wanted to go back. I still believe his teachings. He was my dad. He will always be my dad in my heart. I love you Joe. I miss you. Wish we had more time.

“It’s called a grief doll” Dr. Ramos said.
I stared at him like he’d grown a second head.
“A what?” I asked.
I’d agreed to this session to get my mother off my back. Provided, of course, that she also foot the bill. And, truth be told, it hadn’t been an easy couple of months. The word “stillbirth” sounds a lot more peaceful than the reality of it all. You get all the same blood and screaming as a regular birth but with none of the joy afterward. Things are, I guess, “still,” in a way. The silence of the grave.
“I know it’s a little unconventional,” Dr. Ramos said. “But, there’s been some really solid research to back it up recently. My colleague down in Camden–”
I cut him off. “You want me to buy a lifesized recreation of the dead baby that I just gave birth to?”
He looked slightly chastened by this. “I want you to process what happened, Mary. It can help. Look, if what you were already doing was working you wouldn’t be coming here, right?”
I sighed. “Alright. You’re the doctor. Who am I to argue with science?”
We talked a bit more after that, but it’s not really worth recounting here.
***
The next day I went to the address Dr. Ramos had texted me. It was a little building tucked away downtown between the huge tech skyscrapers and offices. When I walked in, the owner, a short man with a scruffy beard, smiled at me and said “You must be Mary.”
I nodded.
“Would you like to sit down? Do you want anything to drink? Anything to eat?”
I shook my head. “I don’t really want to stay here any longer than I have to, if that’s alright with you,” I said to the Rasputin-looking gentleman sitting behind the desk.
“I get it,” he said, nodding gravely. “People come here to get away from something, not to settle down. Do you have the pictures?”
I took them out of my bag. It had been quite a while since I’d needed to get photographs printed out. Ever since the world had gone digital we’ve all become allergic to paper.
“Here they are,” I said to him. These would serve as the model for the doll. He reached out and took them from me, examining them carefully.
“I think I’ve got what I need. I will let you know if I need anything more,” he said, stroking his long beard hypnotically.
I left and drove home. It was a quiet ride. Much more quiet than I’d been used to. Ever since Tim had left there were these little dead spaces throughout the day. He used to fill car rides with excited chatter about protons and leptons and all the -ons he got to work with as a physicist.
My brain had begun to fill these spaces with grim reflections on the past and future:
It’s your fault.
You don’t deserve a baby.
This is God’s way of telling you that you don’t deserve to be alive.
Over and over again these thoughts would run through my mind like the world’s most depressing tape recorder. Vicious, hateful, unbelievable things kept popping into my head as I drove the short distance home, making the trip feel far longer than it actually was.
***
I had taken to staring at the ceiling and crying myself to sleep most nights. The big, empty house felt suffocating at 3 AM, like all the open space was sucking the air out of my lungs every time I opened my mouth. This had been the way I spent most nights since the stillbirth. I tried to fill the silence any way I could. At all hours of the night, one could hear my TV blaring or my phone playing some podcast or another. Anything to avoid the little dead spaces between one task and the next.
But it was most difficult of all when I tried to sleep. I saw images of my little girl when I closed my eyes. I saw the blood and heard my own screams when it became clear that she would never take a breath. There were also subtler forms of self-inflicted torture.
Exactly one month after the worst day of my life, I came home from work to find Tim’s things cleaned out and a note on the kitchen table. It read:
“I’m sorry Mary. I can’t imagine how hard this month has been for you, but every day I stay here is like a knife to the heart. You’re just so sad and I can’t take it anymore.”
That phrase “You’re just so sad” played in a loop in my mind’s ear.
***
Eventually, I won the battle against consciousness. It was a fitful, restless sleep pregnant with terrible things. I felt like I’d lived an entire life come morning. I dreamt that I’d held little Sarah in my hands, that I’d been able to feed her from my own body just like I’d wanted to do for so many years. But as I held her against my chest she melted into a puddle of flesh and blood, yet never ceased to suck, to draw whatever life she could from me, and I was desperate to give it to her. Eventually, she was little more than eyes in a puddle of fleshy blood, staring at me from the ground and whispering “Why didn’t you save me, Mama?”
I woke with a start. Never, not once in my life, had I experienced a dream like this. I sat huddled in my bedsheets, shaking with tears as I saw the image of my melted little girl swirling around on the floor, asking why I hadn’t helped her. Reality seeped back in stages, penetrating the veil of sadness, and shocking me to my feet with the blaring intensity of my phone’s alarm. It was always turned up to full volume because anything lower risked my sleep-addled mind resisting its call to return from the deep. It had always been difficult to tear myself from the land of dreams, and more so after my life began to feel like a nightmare. But lately, sleep offered little respite.
I pulled on my clothes, brushed my hair so that it was halfway presentable, and poured myself a bowl of oatmeal. It was a gray, soggy pile at the bottom of my bowl. In a flash of unwanted connection, my brain superimposed the image of little melted Sarah onto my field of view. I nearly vomited into my bowl, but just then there was a knock on my door.
“Package,” the deep baritone on the other end intoned.
I opened the door and saw the mailman walking away. It occurred to me that nothing was stopping me from asking him out now that Tim had wandered out of my life. But, immediately, my brain stepped in to fill in the blanks:
Why would he want someone like you?
What the hell is wrong with you?
I don’t even want you and I am you.
These thoughts came as easily as my breath, and I had long since stopped trying to challenge them. In all likelihood, they were right. I picked up the package and saw that it was the grief doll. As soon as I got home from work I’d figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with the thing.
As I stepped into the bathroom, the mirror joined my inner voice in confirming my lack of romantic prospects. Deep, black circles formed rings under my eyes. Deeper wrinkles stood out on my forehead and my double chin and – was that a gray hair? Already? Immediately, the thoughts returned.
You’ll be dead at 50 by this rate.
The world won’t miss you.
Why not make it tomorrow?
Again, these suggestions were difficult to challenge with the evidence inches from my eyes.
***
It was hard to care about work. Even at the best of times, it hadn’t been the most fulfilling job in the world, but these days my cubicle felt like a tomb. My job was to call people who had filled out negative reviews for the phone company (I’m sure you know which one, but it’s probably best to leave that unsaid) and ask why.
This was a doubly depressing task because it was both neverending and pointless. How many times in the past month have you picked up a call from a number you didn’t recognize? I’m guessing the answer is lower than one. Almost nobody picked up, and those who did invariably did one of two things: hang up instantly upon realizing who I was or scream invective at me that I would hesitate before repeating to the devil himself.
One particularly creative gentleman suggested I fold myself in half seventeen times to create a black hole and then have intercourse with said hole while my company’s headquarters were sucked into the event horizon. Points for creativity. Deductions for misogyny. Although, in fairness to the man, I have no trouble believing he’d have said something similar to a male rep.
That day only two people picked up. One hung up immediately. The other launched into a tirade of such intensity and fervor that I was worried he wouldn’t make it to the end of the call.
“And another thing!” the man shouted as I quietly ate a sandwich on the other end. “Your website looks like it was designed by some rock monkey with shit for brains and feet for hands!” he screamed at me. This was an insult I hadn’t heard before. Variations on it appeared with some regularity, sometimes with racial overtones. I’m not entirely sure why this was, given that I had no accent identifying me as anything other than white, and in fact I wasn’t. The assumption seemed to be that because I worked in customer service I must be Indian. This leap in logic went unquestioned by a surprising number of my interlocutors. The average consumer of cellular services in this country is a few rocks short of an avalanche themself.
“I’m sorry that our services did not meet your quality and reliability expectations,” I said dryly, reading from the part of the script labeled “negative responses.”
“And I’m sorry that you people haven’t gone back to where you come from!” the man shouted.
“I’m from Omaha sir,” I said.
“Where you’re really from!” he shouted back.
“I’m really from Omaha sir,’ I responded tiredly. “And so is my father and his father, and before that we came over from England.” This prompted a string of racial epithets I’d rather not repeat. The rest of the day went like this, and after a while I defaulted to flatly repeating “I'm sorry that our services did not meet your quality and reliability expectations.”
My faith in humanity dimmed with each passing call. I decided to slip out at 4:00. I figured no one would notice. I figured right.
***
It was Wednesday: trash day. The walk from my apartment to the dumpsters was a dismal affair. Despite gray skies, cold fog and a pounding headache, the excursion did at least deliver the best part of my day. A few guys catcalled me on the way to the curb, and for a moment I felt like something other than a disgusting blob of flesh.
But then the thoughts started back in and made me realize that the men’s comments had not been compliments but acts of aggression. As I dragged the empty trash cans back to my apartment, the men once more yelled out their opinions on my face, my tits, my ass. In response, my mind conjured scenes from my dream – melted flesh, the endless unanswerable question: “Why didn’t you save me, Mama?”
By the time I’d made it back to my apartment I was practically in tears. At that moment, however, I remembered that the doll had been delivered earlier. It was time, I supposed, to open it.
After a few unsuccessful attempts, the package yielded its contents, and I nearly fell over when I saw it for the first time. It looked exactly like Sarah. Her little, premature hands. Her closed, screwed up eyes. Everything.
I held the tiny plastic facsimile against my chest and sobbed into it. I apologized to it over and over again:
“I’m sorry Sarah. I’m so sorry.”
But nothing could have prepared me for the moment that it spoke back:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
I screamed and fell backwards. The floor flew up to meet me and struck the back of my head with overwhelming force, driving the tears out even faster through a combination of momentum and pain.
“What did you say?” I asked, with a shaking voice.
For a moment, the doll was quiet, its little eyes still shut against the world. Then, they snapped open. Its little mouth opened and flopped around like a fish before repeating:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
I threw it across the room. It was an instinct, but a second later, I felt bad. It was like seeing Sarah’s death all over again. The doll screamed and cried.
Why did you hurt me, Mama?
It asked in its sad, childlike voice.
I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I threw up again and again, my body shaking uncontrollably. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t possible. That thing was nothing more than a hunk of colored plastic. When there was nothing left to expel from my stomach except bile, I returned to the front room and slowly approached the doll where it lay in the corner.
Its eyes snapped to mine.
Why did you leave me, Mama?
I picked it up and hurled it out the window. For a moment, I thought that I should try and call the short Russian man who had sold me the monstrosity but then I remembered that it was 8:30 on a Wednesday. Not even Russians have that kind of work ethic.
Instead, I poured a glass of wine with shaking fingers and turned on the TV, desperate for something, anything to break the silence. As the news blared and the alcohol entered my veins, I was almost able to convince myself that the last few minutes hadn’t happened. But then the screen began flashing images of babies in incubators – victims of some war halfway around the world. Protestors marched through the streets, holding images of the poor, malnourished infants, and listing out those they felt were responsible. Before I turned it off, I could have sworn that one of them turned to the screen and said my name.
***
When I did fall asleep, it was only after many hours of crying and shaking. As returned the silence, so returned my certainty that I had heard the doll speaking. But human frailty won the day, and my brain surrendered to darkness once more.
In my dream, I saw Tim holding little Sarah and crying. He held her close and put the tiny baby girl to his face, kissing her again and again. Then he turned to me with an eyeless face and spoke with a toothless mouth:
Why didn’t you save her, Mary?
I tried to scream but in this world I could not make a sound. My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water, and I felt like I was breathing in the ocean. Then, little Sarah looked at me with her little melting face and said:
Didn’t you love me, Mama?
When I didn’t answer, the tiny melted eyes burned with rage.
I hate you Mama. Everybody hates you. You throw me out the window?! You should jump out yourself and do the world a favor you worthless sack of human garbage forgotten by God. Why are you even alive you heartless bitch?
I kept trying to scream but nothing would come out. I tried to apologize but could only feel the sensation of water rushing into my lungs. Sarah began to say, over and over:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me–
I woke with a start to find the doll inches from my face. It was shouting at me:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
This time, I did scream, and batted it away from my face. The horrible thing, which somehow had reappeared in my house after I’d thrown it out of a 7th story window, began to sob in the corner where it fell. It looked up at me with its tiny heartbroken eyes and quivering lips as it asked me:
Why did you hurt me, Mama? Do you hate me?
Without thinking, I said, “Of course I don’t hate you, sweetie. Mommy loves you very much.” I froze. What was I doing? This thing wasn’t Sarah. It wasn’t even a person.
Then why did you hurt me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me?
I buried my head in my hands. “I couldn’t save you! I’m sorry!” The tears continued to pour from my eyes in rivers, soaking the arms of my shirt.
You didn’t deserve me, Mama. You coldhearted cunt. You shouldn’t even be alive.
I looked at the thing in shock. Hearing those words in a child’s voice was somehow far worse. It couldn’t stay in my house. Not one second longer. But throwing it out the window hadn’t worked, so I had to come up with another plan. I grabbed the hateful thing and carried it to the fireplace. It screamed all the while, sobbing just like a child in pain.
Don’t burn me Mama! Don’t hurt me! Why are you doing this?
I was undeterred. The fire roared to life, and I hurled it into the hottest part of the blaze as it hurled insults back at me.
Nobody’s ever loved you! Why do you think Tim left, you stupid bitch? If he really loved you, he’d have stayed!
Slowly but surely, the thing melted in the flames. Its little face turned to mush, then to liquid, then to ash. The smell was atrocious, but at least it was gone. I lay panting on the floor, crying but relieved.
Later, I called the Russian man and told him that something was terribly wrong with his doll. He listened to my story, then said, not without empathy:
“Maybe you should go back to this doctor? The one who referred you here?”
It was the most polite way that someone had ever called me crazy. Seeing that this was a mistake, somewhat too late to avoid it, unfortunately, I hung up.
Work was no better than it had been the day before. I listened as people berated me over the phone, and read from my script in a monotone voice. I was no more useful than a robot. As the insults went on and on, I began to dissociate from my body. My mouth said the words in the script, but my brain had no say in the matter. The words simply spilled from me like tears from my eyes.
At lunch, I sat next to Jim. I’d always liked Jim. Had a huge crush on him since the day we’d met. Normally, we took our lunch breaks at different times, but that day the stars aligned. The biggest problem with talking to Jim had always been that we had zero interests in common. But that day, the TV in the break room happened to flip to a channel playing a soccer match. We discovered that we were both huge fans, and finally I had something I could say to him.
Things couldn’t have been going better until I looked down and saw, under the table, something that made me jump a foot in the air.
The doll.
It was staring up at me with its cold eyes and sneering mouth.
You can’t get rid of me, Mama. No matter how much you want to.
Jim looked at me strangely, and I apologized, making some halfhearted excuse that I probably wouldn’t have believed coming from him.
What makes you think he’d be interested in someone like you? Have you looked in a mirror sometime this decade? Unless he’s got a corpse fetish I’d say you’re about two decades too old for him.
I stared down at the doll so long, Jim asked me what was going on. I picked it up, and showed him. When he asked what it was, I hesitated before answering. Eventually, I lied and said that it was a present for my daughter.
“I didn’t know you had a daughter,” Jim said.
“Yeah, I gave birth a couple of months ago,” I replied, which was not technically a lie.
Of course it’s a lie you worthless bitch. If you told him the truth he’d run screaming into the street. The only reason he’s stuck around this long is because there’s only one break room. Nobody will ever love you. Nobody.
“Stop it!” I yelled, before remembering that Jim had no idea what this thing was. He looked at me strangely and I bolted out of the room, sobbing and cursing the malevolent presence in my arms. It cursed me right back:
What the fuck’s wrong with you? Why would you even talk to him? You’re a disgusting pile of shit and vomit unworthy of life. You know what you could do to make Jim’s life better? You could slam your fucking head through a plate glass window and spray the side of the building with blood until you fucking die.
“Stop it!” I shouted, and threw it onto the floor as I ran to my car. But, there it was inside, waiting for me, its hateful sneer plastered onto its tiny, childlike face.
What’s the matter Mary? Can’t handle the truth? Can’t handle knowing that you’re a failure as a mother and the ugliest bitch who ever lived?
I sank to my knees and screamed, holding my head with both hands and begging the hateful thing to stop. But it didn’t. It kept pummeling me with insults and threats until I couldn’t take it one second longer. I got into the driver’s seat and floored the accelerator, taking the car onto the freeway, then to the nearest exit, then right off the edge of a cliff.
As the car soared through the air, there was a tiny moment of quiet before gravity took over. It was only an instant, but in that instant I realized that I was going to die. So for the first time in weeks, I smiled.
***
The next thing I can remember is tremendous pain. My eyes hadn’t even opened yet, but even though the world was dark, it was still full of suffering. Then, in the next instant, my eyes flew open. There, at the edge of the bed, looking at me with all the hate in the world, was a familiar hateful face.
Welcome back to the land of the living, bitch. Couldn’t even get suicide right, could you?
I had no energy left to sob. Instead, I hung my head in defeat, looking at the tiny hunk of plastic staring up at me and wishing to God that I’d chosen a higher cliff. Soon, a man in a white lab coat walked in and smiled.
“Hello Mary,” he said.
“How do you know my name?” I asked.
“They checked your wallet when they pulled you out of the car. Your driver’s license was right on top,” he replied, still smiling.
“Right,” I said, not smiling back.
“I’m not going to lie to you, that was a close call there. But you’re going to be okay. Would you mind answering a few questions?”
I immediately became wary, but nodded my head.
“Before the accident, do you recall feeling lightheaded or dizzy?
I shook my head.
“Any alcohol or drug use?”
I shook my head.
“Okay, good. And have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself in the past week?”
This was the question I’d been waiting for. I shook my head again, knowing that an affirmative answer would mean at least a 3-day psychiatric hold. As soon as they learned about the doll, God knows how long it’d last.
“Excellent. You should be able to get out of here in a couple of days. You’ll have to be careful with those casts, but everything will be okay.” I nodded again, and he left. The doll popped its little face back off the bedsheets and set itself right back to its task: destroying my mind and soul. As the night wore on, I sat there, frozen, as it continued to pound me with reminders of my inadequacies, my faults, my failures. From time to time, I had to stand and it stood with me, clinging to my hospital gown as I made my way to the bathroom, to the cafeteria or to have one test or another performed. From that moment on, it was never quiet, though I seemed to be the only one who could hear it. Whether it was reminding me of that time in 3rd grade when Johnny Welkins had rejected me in front of the entire class, or the time that I’d sat through an entire date before realizing my shirt was on inside out, or berating me about letting the original Sarah die, it was always saying something degrading and humiliating.
By then, I’d become numb to the abuse. I never responded or argued. I never fought back or tried to get rid of it. Once or twice, I accidentally crushed it under my foot, but it always ended up right back where it had started: on my hospital bed, eyes burning with rage and lips firing off insult after insult.
***
The last night I was in the hospital, I dreamt of Tim. I dreamt of the last time that I’d seen him before he disappeared forever. He stood in the doorway, blocking it with a stern face and large hands. I kept trying to push past him, but he wouldn’t let me. Eventually, we fought, and he threw me to the floor. I landed on my stomach so hard all the air flew out of my lungs.
When I woke, the doll was standing over me, and it had gone back to its familiar mantra:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
I sighed and focused on filling out the discharge forms that the nurse had left. They were long and boring, and it was no simple task to complete them with the doll repeating its horrible question again and again and again. Eventually, I finished, and an orderly wheeled me out to my car, the doll clinging to my shoulder and shouting abuse into my ear.
A single tear fell from my eye and rolled down my cheek as I climbed in to the driver’s seat and started the engine.
***
When I arrived home, I collapsed on my bed and began to weep. I wept like a child. I wept so loud in fact that I couldn’t even hear the doll as it broke down my door and resumed berating me. But I ignored it. I ignored it as I made dinner. I ignored it as I took out the trash. I ignored it as I returned to bed and tried to sleep. But it wouldn’t stop. Finally, it got close to my face and screamed right into my ear:
Why didn’t you save me, Mama? Why didn’t you save me, Mama?
And, for the first time since the accident, I replied, shouting: “What do you want from me?! I couldn’t save you, Sarah! I couldn’t!”
Liar! You could’ve saved me! You know you could’ve!
In that instant, it finally pushed me past my breaking point. I picked it up and shook it as hard as I could, screaming: “What could I have done? What was I supposed to do? What do you want from me?! Why are you doing this to me?!” The doll looked at me with cold, hateful eyes and said:
You could’ve stopped Tim.
I froze. “What do you mean?” I asked.
You know what I mean, Mama. You know what he did. Why didn’t you stand up to him? Why didn’t you stop him?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” I shouted.
Yes you do. You know exactly what I’m talking about.
“No!” I shouted. “No, I couldn’t stop him!” But even as I said it, I knew it was a lie.
We both know why the stillbirth really happened, don’t we, Mary?
I shook uncontrollably and ran into the backyard to get away from the doll, but it only appeared right in front of me, scowling down at me as I tripped and fell. It pointed to the ground and began to raise its little arms. The ground shook and trembled and I shouted at it, begged it to stop, but it was too late. In one enormous burst the ground split open and a body fell next to me.
It was Tim.
Why didn’t you save me from him, Mary?
The doll asked. I continued sobbing, but managed to respond, “I couldn’t save you Sarah. But I could get you justice.”
The doll’s face softened a little, and for the first time, the fire went out of its eyes. It crawled up next to me and buried its little face into my chest, and let me hold it, just like I’d always wanted to do.
I stroked its hair and whispered to it, over and over again, “I would’ve saved you if I could.”
And in its tiny, childlike voice, the doll replied, “I know.” Then it closed its little eyes, nuzzled close into my chest, and heaved a heavy sigh before never moving again.

Thank you u/SpacePaladin15 for inspiring us all!
And thank you, u/TheManwithaNoPlan for all your help in creating this wonderful project with me! I don’t know where I would be without you!
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Memory transcript: Venric, Venlil Lawyer Extraordinaire. Date: [Standardized human time] November 13th, 2136.
“I-I never went up to the seventh floor,” Nhilasi argued. “That’s where long-term patients that can’t be transferred to the main complex stay. I work in the moderate injury ward on the fourth floor, like I said.”
“And yet here's a video of you right after your shift ended entering the room of the victim,” I continued, causing Nhilasi’s head to droop once more. “So how the spehk did you make from there to the exit in [under thirty seconds]?”
Nhilasi tilted her head in confusion, but Serl’s ears would’ve gone rigid had they been able to. “That’s got to be another Kolshian!” she blurted out, her tail blurring behind her as I considered what I was really arguing. Sure, it was technically possible for Nhilasi to make it down the stairs in that time, but she hadn’t been running at all in the footage I reviewed.
I stared at the pad, ears flicking in thought. “You would practically need to fly down the stairwell to make that time. It’s not conclusive evidence, but…”
“But it’s enough for us to investigate,” Serl finished.
“Us?” I asked, looking at her inquisitively. “I am afraid that if I am to take this on, it can’t be an ‘us’ doing it.” I say straighter in my chair, leveling my head with Nhilasi’s. “I am a professional, firm or not. If you want my help with this case, then a renegotiation of legal counsel will be required.”
I saw Serl shoot an alarmed look at me, but I continued. “In short, you would have to fire your representative from Tail Guard and hire me in their stead.” I lowered my paws and awaited a response from the Kolshian at the other end of the table. I could see Serl in my periphery, her features contorted in a mask of complete betrayal. Just wait a scratch and we’ll see how deep your loyalties to those frauds lie.
“I-I don’t know what to say,” Nhilasi answered, looking between me and Serl. “Is it possible that…but why would another…” she looked down at the table for a long while before she finally responded. “Alright, I’ll do it.”
“Fantastic! My current going rate is 70k credits,” I said. Serl looked horrified as Nhilasi’s face twisted in shock at the number, as I had expected. “The economy hits me as hard as it does everyone else. If you’re not willing to pay, then I’m afraid that my time is better spent elsewhere.”
Serl bore a hole through my head with her glare as Nhilasi considered the offer. I turned my next inquiry around in my mind as she thought. If Nhilasi didn’t make it a stipulation, then I supposed I would just have to ask the question myself. Finally, Nhilasi spoke again. “Okay, but on one condition.”
“And that would be?” I asked.
“Serl still works with you,” she replied, relieving me of the duty of asking the question myself. “She’s been good to me, better than some of the others have been. I still want her help, even if I ditch her firm.”
“Hmmm, I don’t believe that’s up to me,” I responded. “Tail Guard and I don’t have the best history, I was surprised that Serl even sought me out. And it would also be counter to the reason I said you’d have to fire her. See, it’s against the law for multiple firms to work on the same case due to potential conflicts of interest and legal privacy. If she is to be of assistance to you, she’d have to resign from her firm…and join mine.”
Serl’s ear bases went rigid in alarm as I laid out the final deal. No negotiations, no compromises. If Serl wanted to continue this case, she’d have to separate from the dying firm that was Tail Guard. She looked between Nhilasi and I, her features shifting rapidly as she struggled as to what she would say. Hopefully she was as pragmatic as I pegged her as being, otherwise blind loyalty would be her downfall.
Her ears pressed against her head and she cleared her throat. “I would be… honored to help with Nhilasi’s defense. I will draft a resignation notice to Tail Guard effective immediately on the grounds that I am allowed to continue aiding in this case.”
She definitely had an interesting habit in pressing her ears back when making herself be professional. No matter, I had a new client to deal with. “Indeed, now if you would please set your signature or tentacle mark on my data pad, we can get right to work.”
I placed my data pad in the transfer window and closed the hatch. “Please be sure to read the whole contract before signing, as this agreement will be considered legally binding.” As Nhilasi took my pad and started skimming through the contract, I spied Serl still giving me a death glare. Deciding to face the problem head-on, I faced her. “Is something the matter, Serl?”
“We will discuss that later,” she replied, looking ahead at Nhilasi to signal the end of the conversation. Once the Kolshian had finished, she slipped the pad back through the transfer window. She didn’t have nearly enough time to read every inch of the contract, but who does? I thankfully didn’t hide much in there, so it was largely just to prevent any backing out. Like I just had her and Serl do to Tail Guard.
“Fantastic. I look forward to representing you, Miss Nhilasi,” I said as I bowed my head respectfully at her. I never thought I would do such a thing towards an Exterminator, but I considered this a special case. “Before we leave, is there anything else you wish for us to know? Anything at all?”
“Not really. All I can really give you is this,” she said before pulling out a small paper list. On it were the names of several people and their respective positions. “It’s a promotion list that I managed to copy down before everything else occurred. I doubt it’ll have much use, but consider it thanks for agreeing to support me through this.”
I took the small paper list and filed it away with the rest of the evidence, closing the file and standing from my seat. “Thank you for your willing cooperation, Miss Nhilasi. If you have any issues with how the staff are treating you, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.”
I bent down and slipped a business card through the transfer window, holding her gaze with both my eyes. “I am serious, they are legally required to allow you consistent access to your lawyer and suitable living conditions. If anyone here attempts to prevent you from talking to me, taking away your bed, or restricting your food because you’re a Kolshian, they are acting illegally and you must inform me the next time we speak. And we shall be speaking once Every Paw, I will ensure it. Understand?”
Nhilasi seemed shocked that I went through all that effort, but we both knew that it was necessary. I had seen the discolorations on her right tentacle upon entering that would only occur from lack of circulation. I also heard her stomach rumble multiple times throughout the meeting, solidifying my fortitude in telling her this. She swallowed and flurried her frills. “Y-Yes, thank you Venric.”
I stepped back and bowed. “Thank you, I hope you thoroughly enjoy your next meal. Now I am afraid that I must cut this meeting short, as I will need to carefully investigate the discrepancies present in the evidence. So, Miss Nhilasi, I must bid you a good Paw.”
Having bid goodbye, I turned and walked out the door. Serl followed closely behind, and I could feel discontentment radiating off of her, but also a bit of confusion, likely from my final words. I decided to wait until we were somewhere more private to engage with her. However, I did intend on engaging with someone.
As we entered the main lobby area, I spotted the receptionist that had checked in Serl and I was still at her desk. I approached her, making my presence known with my ears and tail signaling positivity. “Excuse me Madam! I just wanted to inform you that our interrogation with inmate 592 is completed.”
“Oh, thank you!” She responded, typing at her workstation. “I’ll have you checked out shortly.”
“Much appreciated,” I started, but I wasn’t quite done. “Oh, just to check, your manager and warden are familiar with Subsection 41n of the Venlil Prime Ethical Treatment of Sapients Interred Act, right?”
The typing stopped. She turned towards me, her head tilting in confusion. “I’m sorry, subsection what? Who are you?”
I waved my tail dismissively. “Oh, I will get to that. The subsection is much more interesting right now! See, it clearly states that all interred persons are to be given livable accommodations until such date as their trial is scheduled for. This includes amenities such as running water, edible food, and a minimum of a padded mattress sheet for resting purposes. It also stipulates that should any persons be denied access to these essential amenities for reasons of their species, the offending facility is liable to fines between twelve million and 140m credits depending on the severity and scale of the offense(s).”
The receptionist had gone pale beneath her wool, studying me with a mixture of concern and fear. “In addition, up to 20% of that fine is liable to be awarded directly to the victims, and the staff of said facility could be placed upon a government no-hire blacklist. Such a list would be quite devastating to any future job prospects as well.”
I tilted my head down to gaze over her desk, spying a picture. “A handsome young man there. You must be proud to be his mother. Certainly hope you can endeavor to keep him in the comfortable life that all children deserve.”
The receptionist’s gaze hardened as she understood the subtext of my words. One that they couldn’t possibly hope to speak of (or even insinuate) aloud without threat of repercussion. It was clear that she had an idea of what I was referring to, and that was exactly what I was counting on. “I trust that no such violations would occur in a place such as this, however?”
“…None whatsoever,” the receptionist slowly said, not taking her eyes off me.
“Of course, I was simply checking. A lawyer such as myself has a civic duty to ensure that such information is made readily available to all who require it. I look forward to our next visit!” I forced a cheery tone in those last sentences to draw away suspicion from bystanders as I made my exit. I could hear the receptionist start furiously typing behind me, indicating that I said all I had needed to.
Oh wait, almost forgot to add the clincher.
“And if you happen to come in contact with your bosses, please tell them that Venric of Heema Lawven stopped by. I might desire to meet them upon my next visit! But for now, have good Paw!” The typing speed increased. Sometimes, I adore the reputation I have built.
Serl had remained surprisingly quiet during that ordeal, but I could tell it wasn’t out of respect for my endeavors to ensure Nhilasi was properly treated. As we neared my Hovertransit once again, I saw her flexing her jaw in preparation of speech in my periphery. But she was hesitating, her mind working out what to start with. I could probably assist with that.
I opened the vehicle's door and held it aside. “Well then, if you are really going to truly be hired on, then we should do this right. Please, step into my office. I expect we have some things to talk about.”
“You’re damn right we do,” Serl confirmed as she closed the door behind her, not wasting a [second] before making her thoughts known. “70k credits?? Are you trying to spiral the poor woman into debt?! Tail Guard charged 40k at the absolute maximum!!”
I made myself comfortable and set the autopilot to start flying us towards the hospital. It would be slow this time, as I expected this talk would take some time. “I have gotten rather familiar with the salaries of Exterminators, and I am quite certain they will be able to afford the payment.”
“You- Former Exterminator!” Serl cried, only sitting in a seat once the movement of the vehicle overcame her sense of balance. “And that’s not the brahking point! I know you’ve got more money than you know what to do with already, and you’re still demanding exorbitant amounts! Baah, why did I think you’d be any different??”
“I can assure you that my prices are very reasonable and necessary for my services,” I stated firmly. “My own reputation is at least testament enough for one.”
Serl huffed across from me, snappily securing herself in her seat. “…I should’ve figured that’s all you were in it for.”
My ear twitched in cautious curiosity. “Oh? And what do you mean by that?”
She stared Arxur claws at me before responding. “Money and stature, that’s all this is to you big-shot lawyers! Like the Tarlim case! You just use it for bragging rights and a sustained paycheck!” She huffed agitatedly as she gestured pointedly to me. “People like you don’t care about the person you’re defending, just what they can offer you!” She buried her face in her paws as she brayed exhausted. “Stars, why did I agree to join you?”
“You think I don’t care?” I huffed. “Really, you think that’s all my personality is about? Going after the money and fame?”
“Wh- did you already forget what you just did?” She sputtered. “You practically extorted Nhilasi and twisted my arm to make me work for you so I didn’t look like a monster to her!”
“You do realize that my reputation isn’t exactly one to be looked up towards?” I asked her, staring at her with both eyes. To my surprise, she met my gaze expectantly. No matter. “My clientele are not exactly the standard fare. I mostly defend those that nobody else wants to defend. Given how you explicitly sought me out, that would include you as well.”
That managed to break her stoicism, her eyes widening and blinking a few times. “Yes, I know that you still wanted to help her, but you didn’t want to help her yourself. You came to me because your career would be ruined by a case like this. For me? It’s just another paw at the office. And you knew that coming in, so don’t expect to have some superfluous moral high road over me.”
She was left speechless by my more in-depth extraction of her motivations, but I wasn’t done yet. “Furthermore, I don’t believe you’re quite aware of the kinds of expenses that pile up just from how I am forced to live. Do you think I didn’t try to establish a physical firm? It just so happens that “service-related accidents” from the Exterminators happen quite frequently to wherever my current address is listed. And even when I was mobile, my vehicles had a strange problem with repair issues and similar accidents as my previous offices. And any place I stored my files had issues with the exterminators having to “investigate potential predator nests” to the point that physical and digital copies always being on my person was the only way to guarantee the continued existence of those documents. And I had to purchase the servers and storage all myself, not to mention maintenance for everything.”
My breathing had become somewhat heavier as I allowed myself to vent the frustrations I had let accumulate in the back of my mind on a consistent basis. “This method of conducting business is not a matter of luxury, no ma’am, it’s a matter of Absolute Necessity. So if you wish to have a professional relationship with me in any capacity, I’d recommend ceasing your ill-informed scrutiny of my practices when you haven’t the slightest of the hardships I’ve come to face for simply protecting those in the most dire need of it! Do we Have an Understanding??”
All Serl could do was look at me blankly as my ragged breathing was showcased centerstage. After a few moments of the two of us looking at one another, I huffed and swiveled my chair around so that I could collect myself once more. It wasn’t often that I raised my voice, but I simply couldn’t help myself. I hadn’t expected this Sprig Lawyer to be nearly as hot-headed as she was, but I was not in the mood to justify my livelihood to her any longer.
We flew in silence for a while before Serl’s voice crept into my ears from behind me. “...Venric?”
As much as I was unprepared to face her again, I swiveled my chair around regardless. As opposed to earlier, she now bore an expression of guilt. “I… I’m sorry for assuming all that about you. I didn’t- I had no idea how much tribulation you’ve been forced to go through. I just assumed you’d be like the higher-ups back at Tail Guard. I should’ve known better.” She bowed her head in apologetic fashion, her already droopy ears slumped even further down her skull. “Brahk, I hate that you’re so right about me. Speh.”
…I didn’t know quite what to say. I had expected further resistance, but instead I received a genuine apology. While the bile in her previous speech still stung, I was willing to look past it. I remembered a time not too long ago where I was in a similar situation, and my unwillingness to back down set me on the path I was on to that day. It would not only be unwise of me to reject her apology, but it would also be quite callous of me to refuse. I sighed, smoothing my mane as I flicked my ears approvingly. “Raise your head, Serl. I accept your apology.”
She looked up at me with a mixture of relief and happiness, her tail thumping against the nearest chair. “Thank you, Venric. I promise that I won’t let you down again.” She leaned forward in her chair, looking over the evidence I had spread across my workstation. “So where are we headed now?”
“Where else?” I offered with an admittedly unnecessarily crypticness. “We are heading towards the scene of the incident: the local branch of the XGC,” I nodded, pulling out my data pad. “We should be there in a bit, which should give us ample time to address your employment situation. Can’t have any holes for the prosecution to exploit with us, now can we?”
“Speh, paperwork,” Serl mumbled. I really couldn’t help but agree.
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Context So I first off wanted to get started and mention my relationship with her is fairly new. We met about the 2nd week of this April and we started off as just being friends. There was a lot I liked about her when we first met and I didn't know she had mutual feelings for me. Most of our interactions was unknowingly liking each other and wanting to spend a lootttt of time together. Eventually we started to have a set of feelings for each other in which we both mentioned and that kicked off the relationship. Its been, to say the least, one of the fastest growing and most fun relationships I've ever had. Most of the time we spend together is at school (college) but I've heard from time to time a few odd comments about her not liking her appearance. They used to come out in friend groups. And I thought it was all in the manner of our friends being a bit mean at times and mentioning the dislike for peoples faces in a joking manner. While I know it is common for some people of the young age to make mean comments regarding a persons appearance (especially young men), I don't specifically like that or participate in it. I here at this moment, didn't think much of that. I thought it was all banter. In fact when she's a victim of it I rather try to get everyone to calm down and stop making comments like that. Especially to women in general.
As of the 8th of May we have been together and the relationship has progressed in many regions. We have found what it is we want as individuals and who we are as individuals. We've talked about where our goals line up in the relationship as well as within ourselves. Our own aspirations and a lot about our families and hobbies have been discussed. But what I love most about her, is we are able to talk for hourrrrsss off end about anything. And literally anything! We've had many disagreements, many agreements as well as our first arguments. And from the ups and downs of the relationship I feel things are going great. But the relationship can't be cupcakes and rainbows forever. Yesterday she mentioned, just kinda out of nowhere about us "being out of the honeymoon phase". And while yeah I agree, we don't exactly feel there is no wrong we can do anymore, I still feel the same way for her. And she admits she does too. Comments arise in the manner of "I'm stuck stupid on you". I feel the attraction we have is very mutual. And with that being said, her seemingly often self degrading comments at random times, are realllly unattractive. Perhaps, I was overlooking them.
Asking for Advice
But the whole point is, through all that's happened, I like her as a person and I see a lot of potential in the good things in this relationship. And there isn't anything I don't like about her, besides her self degrading comments. Allow me to clarify there is plenty of things I don't like about her but they don't affect the relationship. But through this whole relationship she was previously injured as of the week we met and this resulted in her being on crutches. This whole time she hasn't really felt her best because of her injury. While also totally understandable, I feel there is maybe something extra I don't know about. She has told me a few things that irk her at home, but it was all done in the sense of a vent. And while I don't need to know everything. She also isn't obligated to tell me everything. I am concerned. Today, she admitted she's going through a bit of a depression. If I were to go over the degrading comments she makes its mostly about her eyebrows, Forehead, face (in general), breast size, Bum size, height, Voice, Personality And its really fuckin annoying. I tend to be as nice as possible, and mediate by just telling her its okay during moments she mentions shes annoying or "I dont see it like that, you're honestly really beautiful". But she retaliates with (or at least it feels this way), "I dont see what you see." And this happened today. Me and her met today and she playfully mentions upon first sight "What are you lookin at?" and I said, "Someone Beautiful." And a self degrading comment is followed afterwards. "If you think this is beautiful, Its not." Instantly I felt like I didnt wanna talk to her. And thats quite the feeling when you've just met up to have a good time.
It gets me so angry and out of breath, after going out of my way to compliment someone I care about and think is beautiful and have it basically stomped on. I never express my disgust for them or retaliate with frustration, but today I couldnt help but mention a dislike for these comments. Most often, I don't have anything to say. But then, she's afraid I'm giving her the silent treatment and is sad. And to be honest, I don't know what more to do. Mediate the situation with another compliment? Disregard the comments and let them happen? I really dont know. But what is gravely diminishing, is my attraction for her. Her mentioning shes going through a depression honestly helps me to know there is something going on and that is comforting to know. At least there is communication in that department. But what I don't understand is, there is times when she feels "beautiful" and "confident" and flaunts it. While that is what I love seeing and is a deep turn on for me, when all that suddenly flips, What can I do? I ask, "What can I do for myself?" 'For the relationship?" And "What can I do for her?" I feel, despite the times she feels good, She has a low self esteem, a low sense of self care and appreciation and probably hates herself. But what I did notice was the frequency of these comments has increased since the starting date of her injury. And its mainly when she's having a hard time. Just yesterday she was feeling "confident" and "beautiful" and she's a joy and a half to be with and talk to. And while I see a lot of what I like when she's happy, this is my biggest red flag and might actually be my deal breaker. And for me to see a lot of what I like and just throw it all away and break up, I would forever hate myself for not trying to fix this.
And while I do wanna clarify, I am not staying in the relationship to not push her overboard after already mentioning she's depressed by breaking up. I want this relationship to succeed. And this is the only thing I really hate about it right now. I know I cant control her, but if there was anything I can do to help her have a better sense of self love I would love to know. I care for and about her and I want the best for her. She's mentioned a deep sense of attraction to me and while I love that, I want her to know I love her flaws she ever so often hates about herself. (Not the self degradation flaw of course). I too have mentioned my dislike for the things about myself in the means of mediating. She in fact mentions she "sees it different." Just as I said. She mentions she likes those things about me I for real hate about myself. And while I take that as a compliment, thank her for it, and have a better sense of self love for myself because she's admitted to loving my flaws, I'd want her to feel what it is I feel too. It hurts me when she says things like that about herself. One my compliment is stomped on and I'm unhappy. And hearing such terrible opinions about herself as well as my favorite things about her really makes me sad.
TLDR How to help my GF have a better sense of self love, and stop worrying about her flaws. Also not much dating experience. I've been single for 4 years after being in a few relationships and one that lasted 3 years. Just wanna make sure if there is something I can do or if this is something I am overreacting over.

Human Dave stands alongside Captain on the docking bay of a space station, waiting for clearance from the authorities to disembark and deliver their cargo.
Human Dave: “Do they just like making us wait?”
Alien Captain: “Do you have any pressing matters to attend to, Human Dave?”
HD: “Well, no. But we’ve been waiting here for over an hour just to get inside.”
AC: “I am not bothered by the wait, Human Dave. This station is manned by key races of the Galactic Community. Therefore, bias against Cradelians is rampant.”
HD: “We really need to find a way to fix your reputation out here.”
AC: “It is of no consequence, Human Dave. The fact that our allies know how we truly are is enough for me.”
Human Dave smiles at Captain’s words, before slowly devolving into a frown.
HD: “... I get that it might be enough for you, Captain, but what about all the other Cradelians out here? Don’t we owe it to all of them to try?”
AC: “We are, Human Dave. As Ship travels throughout the galaxy, we are spreading the word that Cradelians can be trusted, despite our reputation.”
HD: “Well, I guess that helps a bit?”
A large creature approaches the pair.
Human Dave and Captain immediately recognise it as a Stal’qa, with its four, sturdy legs, and several heads, as it makes a beeline for them.
The Stal’qa is staring at a datapad with one of its heads, while another head is immersed in a holo-call, and the central head stares at Human Dave and Captain.
HD: “I’ve never seen a Stal’qa with only three heads before.”
AC: “Neither have I, Human Dave.”
All three heads stop what they are doing, and focus on Captain; disgust visible on the Stal’qa’s faces.
Stal’qa, from all its heads: “Cradelians. We should have known that your filth would try to board our station sooner or later.”
As Captain slightly wilts under the gazes of the Stal’qa, Human Dave stands in front of him, and glares back at the opposing party.
HD: “And who the fuck are you meant to be?”
The Stal’qa blinks mutely at Human Dave; astonishment covering all of its faces.
Stal’qa: “... the Alora can speak?”
Human Dave immediately loses his composure.
HD: “I’M NOT A FUCKING ALORA!”
Human Dave’s shout immediately causes all attention to focus onto him and the Stal’qa, and several hushed conversations begin around them.
Bystander 1: “... did that Alora just speak?”
Bystander 2: “It just said it was not an Alora.”
Bystander 3: “Is it with a Cradelian?”
Bystander 4: “It makes sense. Cradelians steal anything and everything. Why not steal an Alora that speaks?”
Bystander 5: “Mother, can I have an Alora that speaks as a pet?”
Bystander 5’s Mother: “No.”
The Stal’qa’s numerous eyes narrow at Human Dave, as understanding covers its three faces.
Stal’qa: “... ah. Human. You are human. Not Alora.”
HD: “Ding, ding, ding. Give the Stal’qa a prize.”
Stal’qa: “I do not understand the meaning of the words you have spoken, human.”
AC: “He means to say that you are correct in your evaluation of his species.”
Stal’qa: “I was not speaking to you, Cradelian scum.”
Human Dave steps forward in between the Stal’qa and Captain; standing close enough to the Stal’qa that they can make out fine details in each other’s appearances.
HD: “Insult and threaten Captain like that again, and you’ll find out just how fearsome humans can be.”
The Stal’qa laughs from all three of its heads.
Stal’qa: “Fearsome? I care not for the rumours surrounding your species. Most must be exaggeration.”
HD: “Oh? Do tell. I’m curious to know about what the Galactic Community really thinks about my kind.”
Stal’qa: “Forward-facing eyes denote your kind as a predator species, but you lack the sharp teeth and claws all predators should have.”
HD: “You want me to show you just how sharp my teeth are? I guarantee that none of the Peacekeepers I used them on were in any state to argue about their sharpness.”
AC: “You bit a Peacekeeper?”
HD: “How do you think humanity confirmed that our saliva causes death in most species due to the number of bacteria in our mouths?”
AC: “You... bit... a Peacekeeper?”
HD: “I also had no weapons left to defend myself with, so I reverted back to more primitive means with which to defend myself.”
AC: “Was that not dangerous for you as well, Human Dave? I am uncertain if Peacekeepers are nutritionally beneficial for humans to consume.”
HD: “Wasn’t trying to eat him, Captain. Just wanted him not to kill me.”
Stal’qa: “That is another thing I do not believe. It is not possible that your species is capable of winning a war against the Peacekeepers. Their united forces should have had no trouble against your kind.”
HD: “United? Wow. You guys had no idea the lengths we went to while waging war, do you?”
Stal’qa: “What is the meaning of this question?”
AC: “Humans are persistence predators. They do not simply kill their enemies. They outlast them.”
HD: “Which segues nicely into the point I was going to make. Do you have any idea how much subterfuge and espionage we engaged in during that war? We started the spark that ignited the Peacekeepers into civil war. There was no way they’d win a war against us while fighting each other at the same time.”
Stal’qa: “Even if that were true, there is no eventuality where your kind should be capable of being considered equals to the Peacekeepers.”
HD: “I mean, we did end up allied with them after the war. Especially after we solved the majority of the problems we caused after we won. They needed help after they destroyed their own cities during the civil wars. And most factions saw us as people like them; none of us wanted to fight. We just fought back when they instigated the conflict.”
AC: “It was my understanding that humans caused the initial conflict, Human Dave.”
HD: “They’re the ones that decided to land in Australia, and got themselves killed by the local fauna. Had they fucking told us what they were planning, we’d have told them to land somewhere safer!”
AC: “First contact is usually done in wide open spaces, where it can be shown that they mean no harm.”
HD: “Well, kangaroos don’t care about niceties. They’ll beat the shit out of anything they don’t like.”
AC: “Remind me never to go to this landmass on your cradle-world, Human Dave.”
HD: “Noted.”
Human Dave turns back to the Stal’qa once again.
HD: “Anyway, who are you again? I don’t think you said.”
The Stal’qa glares back at Human Dave, and gestures to a metal adornment on its clothing, which vaguely resembles two triangles overlapping off-centre, in the shape of a six-pointed star, which denotes their rank as Vice Station Master.
Stal’qa: “I am Vice Station Master Kir’alk’ton. And I was informed by the Station Master that an important guest was arriving at this docking bay, so you will need to move your wreck of a ship elsewhere.”
HD: “Excuse me? Your dock workers directed us here. And I assume they would have gotten orders from the Station Master if there was some VIP coming here. And more to the point, why wouldn’t the Station Master have that VIP go to a personal dock, rather than the public one?”
Vice Station Master Kir’alk’ton: “It is not your place to question the orders of the Station Master. On this space station, his orders are absolute, and it is my place to enforce them however I see fit.”
The Vice Station Master grabs Human Dave by the front of his shirt, and pushes him to the side, while still holding onto him.
VSMK: “And if I decide that some forgotten wreckage needs to be spaced, then that is what will happen!”
Security guards seem to materialise out of the crowd, and apprehend both Human Dave and Captain.
Vice Station Master Kir’alk’ton grins madly at the situation unfolding before them, and gestures grandly at Ship.
VSMK: “Guards! Get this piece of junk off my station!”
AC: “THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE ABOARD!”
VSMK: “Then that is their own problem to solve.”
HD: “You’d kill innocents for this?!”
VSMK: “It was their choice to board your ship. Now, they will suffer the consequences of their decisions.”
The crowd had gathered completely now; all to watch the ongoing spectacle, but none intervening on behalf of Human Dave or Captain.
The guards silently moved to seal Ship, so that no one inside would be able to escape easily.
Also as a means of easing their guilt, as none of the guards were willing to disobey the Vice Station Master, but also unwilling to kill any innocents still on board.
Captain’s implant receives a holo-call request, and Pilot Reeda’s face appears on the holo-display.
Pilot Reeda: “Captain, why have the doors been sealed? And why are my credentials locked out of Ship’s systems? I can’t access any of the main controls.”
AC: “Pilot Reeda, please inform Doctor and Quartermaster that the Vice Station Master has decided to eject Ship from the space station. Secure everything as quickly as –”
A fist flies forward from one of the guards, and collides with Captain’s head, which knocks Captain into unconsciousness, as well as cuts the holo-call.
HD: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”
VSMK: “SHUT UP, HUMAN! I AM IN CONTROL HERE! NOW, GET THAT PILE OF METALLIC EXCREMENT OFF MY STATION!”
The guards move to follow the Vice Station Master’s orders, when a voice interrupts, emanating from the intercom system.
Intercom Voice: “Kir’alk’ton.”
The voice does not sound pleasant.
The voice sounds rough and scratchy, as if the throat of the speaker had been damaged badly.
VSMK: “Station Master!”
Station Master: “What is the meaning of this?”
VSMK, panicked: “... I was just getting rid of some garbage that made its way onto the station.”
The voice of the Station Master falls silent, which emboldens the Vice Station Master to speak with more confidence.
VSMK: “There is no need for you to worry, Station Master. I will personally ensure that nothing will interfere with the arrival of your most esteemed guest, and once this scum has been ejected from the station, this docking bay will be open to admit them.”
Station Master, through intercom: “You speak as if you know my will, Kir’alk’ton. Who gave you permission to eject anyone from MY STATION?!”
VSMK: “Cradelians are not people, Station Master. And neither is his pet human!”
SM: “And yet, that very human is the guest I’ve been waiting for.”
Vice Station Master Kir’alk’ton falls silent, as a dumbfounded expression covers their faces.
VSMK: “... what?”
SM: “Guards. Apprehend the former Vice Station Master.”
The guards rush to apprehend the many-headed Stal’qa, who struggles strongly against the guards, while yelling obscenities that do not translate to Human Dave’s implant, but have a very visible reaction to the onlookers.
Several sapient beings pale, and others eject non-vital and waste substances from various orifices.
A parent covers the auditory canals of their offspring, but is too late when it loudly asks what several of those untranslatable words mean.
In the meantime, Human Dave runs over to Captain, who was unceremoniously dropped where he was held by the guards who went to subdue the former Vice Station Master.
HD: “Captain, are you alright?”
Human Dave cradles Captain’s head, and takes a cursory glance over his head and body.
Seeing no blood, and not certain of any internal injuries, Human Dave activates his holo-display, and calls for Doctor.
Doctor answers the holo-call, which shows her securing her medical equipment down in Medbay.
HD: “Doctor, I’ve got something of a medical emergency happening here. Captain’s been knocked out, and he’s not responding to me.”
Alien Doctor: “... what?! When did this happen?!”
HD: “All of thirty seconds ago. Ship’s no longer in danger of being spaced, but Captain needs help out here.”
AD: “I will grab what I need, and meet you out there.”
HD: “Hurry, please. He’s breathing, but I’m still worried.”
The former Vice Station Master continues yelling obscenities, before one of the guards shoves the muzzle of his energy weapon into one of the Stal’qa’s mouths.
Guard 1: “Continue to hurl obscenities, and I will discharge this weapon into your mouth.”
Stal’qa Kir’alk’ton: “Release me! I am the Vice Station Master! You will obey my orders!”
Station Master: “Keep him restrained.”
The voice of the Station Master no longer comes out of the intercom system, and the crowd parts to reveal a moderately sized sapient.
Short, fuzzy, brown fur covers its body and head.
Two round ears adorn the top of its head, and a bear-like snout extends from its face.
Station Master: “David Anders. It’s been a very long time since I last saw you.”
Human Dave turns his head to look at the one who said his name, and is immediately dumbfounded to discover that he recognises the other party.
HD: “Baten?! The fuck are you doing here?!”
Station Master Baten: “What? No hug?”
HD: “I’m a little busy right now, Baten. Captain’s hurt, and I’m waiting for Doctor to get out here!”
Human Dave’s implant informs him of an incoming call, and he hurries to answer.
HD: “Doctor, what’s the hold-up?”
AD: “The exit doors are not responding. I cannot exit Ship.”
Human Dave glares at the pile of guards standing over the Stal’qa.
HD: “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DO TO SHIP?!”
SMB: “What’s wrong, David?”
HD: “Your guards sealed the ship! And Doctor’s still on board! Captain can’t get help if the doors are sealed shut!”
SMB: “Guards; unseal that ship.”
Several of the group break off, and head over to Ship’s doors to unseal them, while Human Dave glares at all of them.
SMB: “I had hoped that my being here was going to be more of a surprise to you, Dave, but it seems like things went sort of pear-shaped.”
HD: “Don’t get me wrong, Baten. I am glad to see you. It’s just that I’ve got a different set of priorities at this moment.”
SMB: “That’s alright. I did sort of spring this onto you, so it’s understandable that you’d prioritise getting your captain medical attention over chatting with an old friend. Especially since it seems like it’s my fault.”
HD: “How exactly is it your fault?”
SMB: “I told Kir’alk’ton here to keep this docking bay empty for you, and even went as far as informing the docking crew of Ship’s IFF, so they’d direct it here once it showed up.”
Station Master Baten flatly stares at the downed form of Kir’alk’ton, and snarls at the Stal’qa.
SMB: “But it seems that they didn’t pay attention to exactly which ship was supposed to dock here, nor who was on board. And they made more than a few arbitrary decisions on who’s welcome on my station, and who isn’t.”
SK: “Cradelians are scum; they do not deserve to exist, let alone be part of the Galactic Community. We should have glassed their planet when they were first discovered!”
This statement draws more than a few shocked gasps from the crowd, and the glare from Station Master Baten turns into a look of sheer disgust and revulsion.
SMB: “... how I was completely unaware this side of you existed, I don’t know. Throw him into the Pit. You will serve your sentence there, Kir’alk’ton.”
Kir’alk’ton stops struggling against the guards, and a look of defeated horror covers all of their faces.
Guard 2: “... t-the Pit, Station Master?”
SMB: “You heard me. If they die, then their sentence is served. But if they live, it’ll be because they learned just how this kind of thinking has no place in this galaxy.”
The exit doors of Ship finally open, and a very irate Doctor runs towards Human Dave and the downed form of Captain, followed closely by Pilot Reeda, who is brandishing a physical matter projectile weapon; one of Human Dave’s, in fact.
The guards recognise the weapon, and swiftly back up; realising the gravity of the situation now.
AD: “Move aside, Human Dave. Let me see.”
Human Dave jumps back from Captain, as Doctor pulls our her portable scanner, and gets to work.
It is at this moment that Human Dave sees one of his weapons in Pilot Reeda’s hands, and immediately runs over to her.
HD: “Reeda’Tila-Lasoran, what the Hell are you thinking?!”
Pilot Reeda: “These dumbasses wouldn’t unseal the doors. So I got creative.”
HD: “By swiping one of my guns?!”
PR: “These idiots know not to get in our way now!”
HD: “That’s one of my personal weapons! How did you even open the lockbox I kept it in?!”
PR: “Oh, please! I pilot a Cradelian cargo hauler held together with nothing more than duct tape, chewing gum, and hopes and dreams! You think I can’t open a damn lockbox?!”
HD: “At least tell me you didn’t load it with AP rounds.”
PR: “... okay, I won’t.”
HD, muttering: “... for fuck’s sake.”
Human Dave runs a hand over his face, and groans as he roughly scratches at his scalp in irritation.
HD: “Give me the gun, Reeda. The situation is resolved.”
PR: “You expect me to believe that, Human Dave?”
Human Dave gestures towards the Station Master.
HD: “The Station Master is an old friend of mine. And the former Vice Station Master, the aggressor in this, is now apprehended, so, yes, the situation is resolved, and no longer needs a trigger-happy Klofi-Watrin to sort out.”
Pilot Reeda’s eyes narrow at Human Dave, as she suspiciously glances at the crowd in their surroundings.
It takes a moment, but Pilot Reeda slowly relaxes, and hands the weapon back to Human Dave.
HD: “Thank you.”
Human Dave immediately removes all ammunition from the weapon, and stows it away carefully on his person.
SMB: “I think we can postpone our proper meeting until later. Tend to your captain, and let me know when you’re free to talk.”
HD: “We can talk now, Baten.”
SMB: “No, no. You’re too wired right now. Go calm down first. We’ll talk later.”
HD: “... I’ll see you later, Baten.”
Human Dave walks back over to Doctor, who had sat down beside Captain’s prone form, with Pilot Reeda hovering nervously close by.
AD: “Human Dave, can you assist me with getting Captain back to Medbay?”
HD: “Sure thing.”
Human Dave carefully picks up Captain, and carries him back onto Ship, with Doctor and Pilot Reeda trailing after them.
Station Master Baten turns to face the crowd.
SMB: “Alright; show’s over. Go about your business.”
As the crowd scatters, going about their own business, Station Master Baten grabs the arm of a guard, and gestures back towards Ship.
SMB: “Once they come out, I want you to send them directly to the main offices. Is that clear?”
Guard 3: “Yes, Station Master!”
First
Previous

Reconstruction
First Prev
The two that Amara had introduced, Merana and Teleya, were a researcher and a team leader respectively. They were to take Carbon from the impromptu surgical suite over to where the Xenotechnology teams worked on analysis and replication, and then assist her with anything that she needed.
“It was very unexpected, but I am glad that the Empress requested the Integration project be moved onto the Sword of the Morning Light. The accommodations are much nicer, and the equipment is newer. Some of the things we requisitioned years ago were actually brought in!” Merana was in his forties, gray fur starting to turn silver, and he was extremely talkative. He had started perhaps two steps from where they were introduced and did not let up, speaking at a breakneck pace, hands gesturing with every word, eyes never staying put even when in a corridor that had nothing of note to look at. “Deep layer scanners that were made in the decade. Actual new printers! I do not know if it is too much to ask, but if you were to mention to the Empress that we appreciate these new laboratories...”
“Merana.” There was just a hint of reproach in Teleya’s voice. She was the exact opposite, so far. The definition of reserved, which fit with the crown of silver fur encroaching between her antennae. After a very brief introduction, she had remained silent until Merana had started asking favors of Carbon.
“Do not mistake my intent.” He shushed Teleya with a wave of his hand, but he seemed to pick up what she was driving at with that single word and deflected to a slightly different tack. “I have always enjoyed this assignment, it is fascinating to see what the other species in the universe are up to. But the previous labs were... Those fields were poorly tilled. The integration of the Human ship into the station’s systems was unorthodox but understandable, given how much material we acquire from them. A Proximax cargo hauler. Room for thousands of their standardized containers. Yes, it was quite old, but there were some phenomenal systems on board. The engines were astonishing. Not as efficient as the systems we put on our haulers, of course, but the configuration allowed for an utterly unreasonable energy throughput for sublight acceleration.”
‘Utterly unreasonable’ described about 75% of Human ship design, by her estimation. “I am sorry, did you say thousands of containers?” Carbon inquired as they passed back into the common area, the seating all cleared out now. She had seen plenty of the ships the Confederation had now, including one of the truly massive Pathfinders which also held thousands of their standardized containers.
“Five thousand, if my memory serves. It was an ugly ship, a great brick of protective panels. While the storage area was not pressurized, it did have several inspection gantries that allowed us to access individual containers. We put it to use as a very orderly warehouse. I do miss that.” He added far more than he had to, and he was very pleased to do so. “Doubled the habitable space on the station, as well.”
That was strange. While she was previously aware of the existence of the Xenotechnology Research unit, the fact they had a space station, with a massive Human made cargo ship integrated into it was news to her. It hadn’t really ever been a high visibility sort of thing, of course. The idea the Tsla’o Empire was scrabbling around looking to see what they could abscond with from the other races was not in line with how they viewed themselves. “That is impressive, you must have had much to store if a warehouse that large was called for. Where was it all coming from?”
Teleya took the lead, directing them back into a warren of hallways.
“Oh, we only had about a thousand containers in it, and they were not particularly full. We have a crew using a Human ship, the Serenity, to visit the edges of Human space to trade for scrap or salvage. Humans will part with a surprising array of things when they are operating out at the very edges of their frontiers. That is how I first came to work here, counterfeiting Human manufactured colloids for their construction printers as a trade item. It was an interesting little job - if you presented a product that was too good, it was suspicious to them. They thought it was either recently stolen and ‘hot’ or it was a police operation to catch thieves, and they’d dump it and leave without finishing the transaction. So we roughed the bags up a little bit, tossed them around the floor and kicked them down stairs. Drained a few as though they’d been used briefly - that was my idea - and damaged the cryptoseal enough to render it useless on about two-thirds of the units.” He laughed as they turned down another hallway. “Made them all actually look stolen. They were fully functional, of course. We had a reputation to make.”
“Fascinating.” A little worrisome, too. That was a lot of interacting with Humans, and not the ones that were supported by the Confederation, apparently. That idea in and of itself did not bother her, but... where had they gotten those ships? Had the Empire been doing business with Human pirates? Or just pioneers out past their own borders who didn’t have much interest in exactly who they were doing business with? “These dealings have been equitable?”
“I assume as much. The terms had to be agreed upon by both parties, and the Serenity was a light freighter, no offensive capability to speak of. That’s why it was shadowed by a cloaked frigate.” He stopped speaking for a moment, pointing at the door Teleya was unlocking. “Ah, here we are.”
Teleya opened the door and stepped back to allow them inside. Carbon found the work area to be a bit sparse. Lots of workstations, some obviously claimed by the amount of personalization present. Jackets hung over the backs of chairs, small plants, holos and printed pictures alike. Two conference rooms with big holographic tables in the back wall, and a couple of matter printers - looked like Ke-330 variants, based on the printhead. Not exactly the newest gear, but well maintained.
“I will show you to an available workstation. If you would get the Princess the documentation regarding the PINs, Merana?” She delegated, pointing Carbon to an obviously unused desk.
“Of course.” Merana bowed out of the conversation, literally, and bustled off to retrieve the data.
“Everything is held off network?” Carbon inquired while inspecting the clean white desktop. She had started to reach for the sensor pad to log in when she realized she was still holding Alex’s shirt. Hadn’t even thought to put it down, just absently rolled it up in her hands while Merana had talked. Carbon crammed it into one of the big tool pockets in her work pants, secure in the knowledge that would be the exact thing Alex would do. Several embedded holographic displays hummed to life as she pressed her now free hand to the sensor, logging herself in at that particular site.
“Most of our data is available upon the lab’s internal network, which is classified at Stone level access. Anything at Silver security clearance or above is available from the Index workstation, and is borrowed on station-locked, time-limited codex.” She paused, glancing over at Carbon. “Forgive me - I saw that you had Obsidian clearance and have just assumed you’re familiar with these protocols.”
“As luck would have it, I am familiar.” Carbon hadn’t used them often, though it had come up a few times when performing maintenance on some of the more cutting edge systems on the Kshanev. The codex was a physical storage device, usually fairly large to make them difficult to steal. Station-locked just meant the codex could only be decrypted at a pre-specified workstation, and time-limited was simply a countdown to when the codex would automatically delete its contents.
She didn’t even notice she had slipped a Human idiom into the conversation.
“Ah, of course.” Teleya gave her a stilted little bow, very subtly standing up a bit straighter as Merana returned bearing the codex.
He held it out to Carbon in both hands. Each codex was a specialized computer, and one of the long-standing traditions around their use was that those computers would be contained in something that made it hard to physically access or to steal. Initially they had just made rectangular cases that were too large to conceal, but as matter printing had become more prevalent, so had customized cases. The Military Academy had units shaped like the spear and star from their sigil. The Kshanev used a model of its Macron gun, which had been particularly ironic when trying to troubleshoot that very same system.
This one appeared to be a dark stone obelisk, about the length of her forearm, and heavy like it was actual stone. The edges and letters carved into it were crisp, as though it had just been hewn. She recognized it right off the bat, of course, it was a miniature version of the obelisk that had stood at the river port in old Ama’o - the first city. She ran her thumb down one of the inscriptions, the letters on this side filled with gold. May the winds favor your sails, traveler.
All of that was gone, now.
Carbon set it down on the desk and took a seat. The clean white desktop bowed and shifted, the obelisk sinking partway into it. She fiddled with the left screen, relegating the index of the files within to a narrow strip out of the way. Not that there was very much in there, literally seven files. “All right. Get me up to speed, what should I be looking at first?”
“All but the last of these are items we had not been able to identify until the scans from the Prince came in. They obviously went together, but we were unsure of the use case. They were all found on a single salvage ship. The first four files pertain to the PIN fragments we found on board. Scans kept throwing traces of metamaterials until one of the sweepers located those fragments stuck in the gap between a wall panel and the floor in the head.” Teleya had taken over as the verbose one, pointing out several files on the screen as she spoke.
Carbon opened the first file, the very first picture was piece of metal no longer than a fingertip, caked in dried blood and hair. Notation on the edge of the image informed her that it had been taken on the Serenity, about three years ago. “This is not the same Serenity Merana was talking about, is it? And is that... Human?”
“No. Serenity is their most common ship name. Something like ten percent of privately owned Human craft are named that. Understandable, in a way. There is so much space where there is nothing.” She was lost in thought before she cleared her throat and continued. “That is Human, yes. All the samples found onboard were from the same person. If I recall, there were only genetic traces from one Human on board, and only one appeared on the internal logs. We were concerned that it was evidence of a crime until it became clear from those logs that the previous owner seemed to have some neurological problems and was doing quite a bit of surgical work on himself.”
“That sounds horrible.” The PIN had been thoroughly documented as it was cleaned and run through multiple scanners, the entire thing mapped down to the atom, which was good because the rotating keyways seemed to depend on microns-thick wafers of high lubricity insulator to facilitate movement while isolating electrical impulses. Likely printed in place, given how delicate the entire thing was despite the use of exotic materials. A simple design, made with the most advanced tools and material.
She did not dare dwell on the fact that some lone Human sailor at the edge of their space had equipment to access the same sort of implant Alex had, and certainly not the more immediate worry that the implant could have had a role in pushing him to such extremes as performing surgery upon himself.
“Yes, it gets... We need not discuss the finer details of it.” She shivered and exhaled softly. “The next three are more pieces of other, similar PINs. The first and fourth appear to have been broken, while the second and third are clearly cut. The fifth file is a piece of the adapter between the PIN and driver unit, and the sixth is what we believe to be a portion of the driver unit. The final file is the scan of the Prince’s hardware.”
Carbon skipped directly to the driver unit. The needle seemed straightforward at the moment. They had large portions of it. The driver, on the other hand, was still a few loose design ideas for her. The first pictures of it really made her want to discuss the finer details of what they had found on that ship - it had been cylindrical at one point, but only a partially melted wedge remained, bearing distinct plasma cutter marks. It appeared it was the end that held the PIN, as well, which was good - that could be directly copied with no conjecture.
The chunk reminded her of an old milling machine spindle surrounded by multiple layers made of paired stators and rotors. The scans proved her supposition out, and it was a bit of a relief - most of it should be very easy to reverse engineer as well. The wiring might need a little guess work, but computer rendering should allow her to get that sussed out without having to run a print. “All right, I think we should be able to get this done quickly. Which one of you would be best working on recreating the PIN and adapter unit? I will take the driver.”
Merana piped up. “I have specialized in reconstruction for nearly a decade. Unless Teleya would prefer that task?”
“No, your work is excellent.” She deferred, gesturing towards the Index workstation to indicate he should get to it.
They watched him go, Carbon swiveling her chair around to face Teleya. “I do not think the hardware side of this will be particularly difficult. That said, do we have any of the software that was used with this?”
“Ah. Yes, but no.” Her ears lowered, an annoyed hiss escaping her teeth. “There was data related to the operation of the machine, and possibly the programs used to run it still installed on the Serenity. As it was a very new ship at the time the entire thing and all files on board were seized by Imperial Intelligence.”
“I know a few people who work in the Intelligence community.” Carbon did not specify how she knew them, because historically people did not want to know details about anything to do with Intel.
“As do I. Sadly, the most I have been able to get from them is that all the data onboard was shipped out to Electronic Warfare. I do not know anyone within that division, and having a mere Gold clearance does not sway much over there.” It sounded like she was inclined to continue not knowing anyone within Electronic Warfare, a hint of venom in her tone as she talked about them. “I put in the appeal two days ago, it has still not even been reviewed.”
“I suspect they will be more accommodating to my requests. If that fails, they will kneel at the throne when the Empress calls.” Carbon didn’t really have the ability to toss the Empress’ authority around like that, but Alex had been convincing with his fears about potentially compromising the security of the ship. The Empress would take that seriously, and having one part of the military building fortifications around their domains would just delay confirmation one way or the other.
“I suspect that will expedite things.” She bowed again, deeper this time. While Teleya did not specifically ask for this data as a favor, she clearly considered Carbon using her influence to get it as fulfillment of one.
“If you will excuse me... I will make some calls. Are the conference rooms available?” She was sure they would be. It was just the three of them in the workshop at the moment, but Carbon would prefer a little bit of privacy given what was lingering at the forefront of her mind right now.
“They are yours as long as you desire.”
Carbon stood and offered Teleya the seat. “If you could get started on extrapolating the build on this, I would appreciate the help.”
“Of course, Princess.” She bowed, again.
Carbon took her leave, walking back to the closer conference room. She stole a glance at Merana’s workspace, already deep into pulling the fragments together into a whole. Excellent work ethic on him.
She closed the door behind her and turned the windows into the work area opaque before walking down to the end of the conference table with the holo emitter. Carbon slumped into a chair and sighed, leaning in to rest her elbows on the table and cradle her head in her hands. She allowed herself to feel miserable for a moment.
Was any of this worth it? What even was it, at this point? She enjoyed Alex’s company, certainly, and would absolutely call the feelings she had for him ‘love’ without hesitation. But the idea of being entwined hadn’t truly crossed her mind since she’d put aside that unreasonable fantasy back on the Kshlav’o. Now that was just an offering to get her to let The Empress back in. She hadn’t settled on if that had tainted the entire concept or not.
Even if it had, Alex’s earnest intent might be enough to purify that for her.
Worse was that Alex, her beloved, was forced into this untenable position. What if he was being used as a conduit for some sort of spy program by his own government? She wasn’t familiar with the fine print, but it would violate their treaties. It was a violation of the Confederation’s own citizen, as well. All while being the Empress’ leverage to make their people more accepting of the help. To prove they were trustworthy. Not the sort that would do things like... this.
Her mind raced, working over a thousand threads of what she would do to be free of these constraints. To have a life that was just hers, and perhaps just his. Every one of them felt like an unreasonable fantasy now.
Carbon sighed again and shut it all off. Crammed it back in the hole. The turn of phrase from Alex brought a brief, sad smile to her face. It had initially felt improper, not serious enough for the workings of the mind. It had grown on her, more and more it felt entirely accurate.
She smoothed her fur out a bit and pulled the sleeves of her jacket down to appear a little more professional. Carbon stood and patted Alex’s shirt for moral support before slotting her communicator into the holo display, and set it up for an encrypted call before dialing Admiral Olan. His direct number.
It took a few minutes for each end of the call to negotiate and set up encryption that reached the minimum for Obsidian clearance. While it was the second highest level of security, the real reason she turned it all the way up was that those calls had a tendency to get answered in short order. She waited. The connection was live, but his end was locked down until he was in an appropriately secure area.
“Princess Sorenson.” Olan’s head appeared on the holo, looking both wizened and perpetually aggrieved. He was actually pleasant, his face was just like that while relaxed.
“Admiral. I am here with the Xenotechnology team, and I have a request for data from the Electronic Warfare division of Imperial Intelligence that needs to be expedited.” He had the authority over several divisions, Electronic Warfare included. “Team Leader Teleya put in a request two days ago. It concerns files from a Human ship they acquired about three years ago, the Serenity, which was taken by Intel. We need that immediately, as it now pertains to an investigation into potential security breaches on The Sword of the Morning Light.”
There was absolutely no reaction to this information save for a single, brief nod. “Consider it done, an Index will be brought over as soon as it is filled. Is there anything else?”
“Yes. This is a personal request, and why I have chosen Obsidian.” She inhaled, lifting her chin a little like the Empress did when she wanted to appear a bit more impressive. Difficult to do through a hologram, but she wanted it imparted that this in particular was to be kept at Obsidian levels. “I require a copy of the interior security logs for the same ship. This is related to the investigation, but more sensitive. Gene-locked, with a time limit of ten hours of review should be enough.”
That got his attention, antennae shifting up slightly. While that was subtle, it was there, and that was notable for Olan. “Of course. Do you need them delivered at the same time?”
Did she? “No, but I would appreciate it being done within the day. Have it delivered to my quarters, my Zeshen can take possession of it there. That is all, Admiral.” Carbon would take one potentially horrifying discovery at time right now.
“Your will be done, Princess.” He closed his eyes and bowed, and ended the call.
The fears she had crammed into the hole scrabbled against the door that she imagined held them in place. If the machines - those abominations that Alex had allowed his government to saddle him with - were going to destroy him, she had to know. She had to be ahead of it, whatever psychosis had been inflicted upon that lone sailor would not befall him.
She would see to it.
 
First Prev
Royal Road
*****
Carbon learns some stuff this time! Oh boy. Oh dear.
Unreasonably happy that I was able to find a name that continues the practice of naming classes of cargo ships something-max as well as Panama did.
Art pile: Carbon reference sheet. Art by Tyo_Dem

My boyfriend (28M) and I (24F) have been together for the past 9 years. The relationship was not easy in the first half due to a strict family, the age gap and because he was my older brother’s good friend. With that in mind we kept our relationship private for 7 years. From 2021 till now we have been public and my family is accepting of our relationship. I thought that this would allow for more exciting things to take place like trips, going out more, etc.
Officially we have been semi long distance (legit 2hrs away from each other) for two years since transferring to a 4 year university. He never really made any efforts to come out to me until recently because I was practically begging/nagging him— but I had always made the commute to go back and see him in town. I don’t even drive so it would be a 4hr bus commute.
These past two months have been particularly difficult as I’ve taken up a new hobby since last year going out salsa dancing with friends. I always keep it respectful and even refuse to do bachata dancing because it can get too sensual. Legit I wear rings as a way to deter unwanted attention, give fake names, and never give out any personal contacts. The primary issue was that things started to develop between me and a guy within my friend group circle— granted he was also in a long term (3 year) relationship but it was also long distance with his gf being in Oregon. We’ll just label him salsa guy (26M). Initially it was very plutonic cordial dancing, we were in the same friend group and I didn’t think much of him, we only saw each other in group settings. But then at some point the social dancing aspect just became gradually intense, it was just a lot of chemistry. Keep in mind my BF doesn’t dance, nor has he really tried to. As a matter of fact, he’s really in the opposite end of the spectrum of me in terms of energy level, sociability and willingness to do things ( at least in my perspective). The best way to put it is that he’s a home-body.
In the past I’ve brought it up to to him that I would like to do new activities or find something we could do together. He would always try to rationalize that it is because we’re apart and since he is finishing school that he just doesn’t have the time in addition to his work. I tried being very patient but since being away and finding new hobbies it just made me realize just how much we aren’t really on the same page in terms of what we would like to do with our personal time. I understand that we don’t have to do everything together but it would be nice to have him in my space or doing activities together once in a while. With the long distance I have played video games more frequently to ensure ‘bf time’— when prefacing it like that it sounds like more of a chore or clocking in for work. At the same time that is honestly how it feels on some level. It makes me feel guilty especially when I’m using my new found hobbies as a way to avoid dealing and voicing out with these feelings.
Since dancing, there were some developments between me and Salsa guy. At parties or friends gatherings he would somehow be near me and try to maintain some physical contact (there was a jacuzzi hangout and it was just not good). It felt like the lines were getting way too blurry and I tried to make a boundary (very loosely). Questioning his motives and what has been going on with this touching and flirting— dancing was always good but at some point I just started feeling waaay too hot (this was also probably because it was nearing a month since I last seen my bodies and I just was craving for physical touch ). Overall a bad combination. While setting the boundary he was initially down for it, saying that “yea you’re right this is bad for both our relationships” and we shook on it. Fast forward a week later at a goodbye party for a mutual friend. He kept giving me crazy compliments on my order and we danced, had a few drinks. I tried to have accountability buddies within the friend group and told 2-3 or of the dozen and they were definitely helpful. But that night things just went south. He called me the next morning trying to sort out what had happened and I just told him we just shouldn’t be in contact anymore and blocked him.
I vaguely told my boyfriend of the situation and even confessed that I was sort of admiration towards him. Mind you, I am not a confrontational person— nor am I one to bring things up so this was a really big step for me. My boyfriend brought up a conversation we had 2 years prior when we found ourselves in a similar situation— saying that if this were to occur again he wanted to call it quits. I recognized and candidly admitted that this was a pattern— how some if not most of my male friendships filled aspects that he was not willing to do or that were out of his comfort level. Whether it was dancing, hiking, hanging with friends— it felt like those ‘friendships’ were just patchwork to make up for whatever was missing in my relationship and I told him that and expressed that it is a disservice to him and how guilty I felt about it upon recognizing it. He told me he just wanted to sleep on it and we hung up for the evening. The following day he didn’t reach out until 6pm— I left him a good morning text and said I would give him space. Once we got on the phone call he just said he wanted to drop the entire thing. No conversation, no room for clarity just proceeded to ask if I ate and what my plans were for the day.
I was sort of dumbfounded. Didn’t know what to say besides go along with it. Did I want the conversation to continue? Was I hoping for a break up. I mean I wanted to try and figure things out really but we were set to see each other that very week, I had already blocked salsa guy— could we really just sweep this under the rug? We did. We meet up that weekend, got a hotel, watched a live comedy set, had a wonderful breakfast and acted as if nothing happened. The following day I sort of ambushed him over breakfast in a restaurant (we were in a private area at least) asking him about the state of our relationship and what it will look like in the future. I expressed that I wanted to see him more and was hoping that that would help just keep me sane basically. I’m a very affectionate person who really needs physical contact— on the other hand he legit just says I could be on the phone and my presence is enough. He said that hopefully after graduating next year things will get better. But waiting another year banking and investing in a relationship that has yet to happen? I’m not sure if I have it in me. Realistically the next step is moving in together— will a 6 month lease determine our relationship. We’re both from immigrant families so this idea of moving in together before marriage is foreign but rent in CA is way too high.
In recent developments within the past two weeks, I’ve found myself going out almost constantly. The level of conversations between my boyfriend and I seem to be dwindling. I don’t know if it is just the ‘Spark’ that has diminished over the 10 years really coming to an end or if it just the distance that is making it difficult— I really was hoping it would make the heart grow fonder. I’m at a loss in terms of whether to stick it out or just work on myself and act ‘selfishly’. I have been really grappling with the idea of love and obligation— I was under the impression that if you are actively choosing to stay with this person it is because you love them and it is within that very act that defines the relationship. You are always welcome to leave especially when you’re not married but because you’re in this state of limbo by staying by their side you’re conveying your dedication and devotion to this person. I’m stumped.

It hated the screams. The creature underneath it struggled and continued releasing its guttural high-pitched vocalizations. Thrashing and throwing its limbs around, as it was slowly consumed. Limbs soon went still and the screaming fell silent. Emptiness. The body had died and was now nothing more than flesh to be devoured and assimilated. How unfortunate for the creature, but in order to heal its damage and return from this undiscovered world, it needed to gather resources and blend in with its society.
Fortunately, this species was sapient. This specific one beneath it wore clothing, understood patterns, and could vocalize repeated sounds that it could only assume were words in its rudimentary language. It moved up to the creature’s head after it had devoured most of its body. The brain was the most important part, and needed to be consumed immediately in order to gain its memories.
As it devoured the creature’s brain, small sparks of the deceased’s thoughts flooded its mind. All of the sapient’s knowledge, all their memories, subconscious thoughts and behaviors flowed through as information to every cell in its body. All this creature’s experiences, emotions, habits, and preferences. All of the creature’s small quirks and idiosyncrasies were fed into it as the body molded and became one, as if a data bank.
I see now. It thought. This was a female of this planet’s dominant species. They are called… humans.
It stood up. As the mold of flesh which was its body began to mold itself. Cells began to shape and harden into a bone, following the structure and anatomy of the human it had just consumed. Coating the recreated skeletal figure with ligaments to hold the structure together. Skeletal muscles and organ tissue formed in its proper places. Nerves and arteries were meticulously placed in their proper configurations. Capillaries. Veins. They were then covered by a layer of fat, and fat deposits were increased on its chest area and backside. Mammary glands, ovaries, egg cells, fallopian tubes, bladder, and uterus.
Throat and neck muscles were shaped the way they were, reviving the human female’s original voice, while the rest of its body began to close up by a thin layer of flesh and skin. Small hairs were sprouted all around the body, with some more than others. The brain began to fully form, and the facial features were completely indistinguishable from that female it had consumed. Hair on its head began to grow and multiply to the hundreds of thousands of individual strands, reaching down to its shoulders.
There in the darkness of the street, stood a lone woman without any clothes. At least, the body of one. It… no, she had taken on the woman’s complete identity. Her personality, gender, identity, memory, age, name, and shape, belonged to it now. She was the woman she had just devoured in the dark of the night.
“How… intriguing,” she said, testing out her voice. “So this is what it’s like to be this species.” She clicked her tongue, whistled, and snapped her fingers.
“This world may be a new feeding ground, with such rich genetic data and diversity,” she said, looking through her victims' memories. The woman was studying to be a wildlife biologist before she was ambushed and eaten alive. Now her knowledge served as an intriguing critique and collection of the biodiversity the planet had to offer. Animals of different species flashed in her mind. Felines, canines, reptiles, apes, amphibians, fish, and the like. Even images of livestock and pets were seen as she rummaged through the recesses of the mind she ate.
“Very interesting. It had been… a long time since my species found a world this rich. Devouring it would be truly splendid. A jump up the evolutionary tree with the treasure trove of traits. Nature has really invested in this planet.”
Humans were the most interesting to her, as she reviewed childhood memories and historical studies. A society unlike anything she had ever encountered in previous sapient species her kind had assimilated and eaten. Though this was the first sapient she had ever consumed, she was filled with excitement. She grinned widely, in an impossible way. Eyes appeared in her hair and jagged teeth of several rows shone under the light of the night sky as she literally smiled from ear to ear.
Her excitement brimmed in her chest, causing it to beat faster than anticipated. What interesting reactions this body has. I wonder what more I could discover.
“Hey!” A voice called out, making her turn her head in its direction. Her body returned back to its normal human state in an instant. It was a young man wearing a coat and a hat on his head, waving at her. “Do you need help? Are you hur— wait Zee? Is that you?!” he hurried toward her.
The woman quickly scoured her mind for memories of this man who seemed to recognize her, however, before she could, her body reacted first. The burning sensation in her cheeks and an odd knot in her chest. Her eyes dilated and a strange feeling overcame her. What is this? Why the sudden reaction? She recognizes this human male for sure but… oh.
She finally found it. The memory resurfaced before she could even call it to herself. This woman had feelings for this male. They were hidden, unspoken feelings, but feelings nonetheless. No wonder she had reacted so strongly.
“H-hey! Francis! I uh…” she stammered, adopting and following her mind’s flow of information. The synapses of her past interactions followed naturally and she copied her mannerisms completely.
“Zee, you’re naked! W-what in the name of—”
“I-I got attacked!”
“A-attacked? Who did this to you?! Were you hurt?!” Francis spoke with urgency, immediately taking off his coat and placing it around her. This woman’s feelings are flaring up again. Azrael Heathers, what an interesting name. It’s close enough to my real one. Azrael, Az, Zee; nicknames this human had given me in past encounters. This affection for him is strong and lasting, her subconscious mind is flooding me. My mind is flooding me.
“I’m f-fine. T-the m-man got away. I don’t know who it was but…”
“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay,” he replied. “Let’s get you to your apartment and we will report this to the authorities in the morning. We should—”
“No!”
“N-no?”
“It’s okay… I’m afraid that if we report this, that person might come back for me,” she lied, putting on a pleading face and clinging to his arm. “Just… stay with me tonight. Please? I don’t think I can fall asleep alone after that.”
“I-I…”
Zee held on to him tighter, squeezing his arm. “Please. I’m scared, Fran.”
Francis bit his lip and slowly shook his head. “Okay, it’s okay,” he replied. “I’ll stay with you tonight. Nothing will ever get through your doors so long as I’m there. Does this ease your thoughts?” he said.
Zee nodded. “Thank you, you’re always kind to me,” she sniffled. Oh you foolish human. Once we’re alone I will devour you too. I cannot wait to see how you taste. Will you scream just like Azrael? Will you look on with horror and disgust? Perhaps you will lay there shocked beyond your mind’s comprehension. Oh, what a rush!
The young man sighed. “It’s just the right thing to do. Besides, I cannot abandon a friend, especially not in this situation,” he said. “Now come, let’s get you to your apartment. Okay?”
“O-okay…” And then you shall be my second meal!
As the two headed back to her apartment, Azrael looked around the buildings and of the city around her and compared it to her memories. Possible feeding grounds, places to gather materials to fix her craft, a transmission device that could send messages to her brethren in deep space. Steel. Iron. Brick. Lead. Copper.
It’s becoming increasingly clear that this species is very rudimentary. No long ranged communications. No advanced computing technology. Not even advanced electronics! How backwards is this world! Ugh, such a barbaric and uncivilized species. Even this woman’s memories show nothing of value. Their most advanced transmission device is a box that uses radio waves for communication!
She grunted, shaking her head.
“Is something wrong, Zee?”
“Nothing, my head just hurts.”
“Then we should hurry.”
The two picked up the pace until they finally reached her apartment just a few blocks down the street. They entered inside and went up the stairs, heading for the first room to the side of the staircase. Francis went straight for the bed, leading Zee by the hand and sitting her down on it. “Just rest here, I’ll heat up some water and prepare you a warm bath. Everything will be alright, just take it easy.”
He went toward the faucet and began filling up a pot with water before heating up the stove. He opened up the compartment under it and checked if there was wood, and lit the wood with the lighter he pulled from his pocket. He placed the pot on top of the iron stove and nodded to himself. “Right, this should be ready in a few minutes. I’ll set up the bath for you. It should heat you up immediately.”
He looked back at Zee who was visibly shivering, keeping the coat close to her body and covering herself.
“D-do you mind if I go through your cabinet? I’ll find you some fresh clothes.”
“Are you sure you won’t do any perverted things to my clothes?”
Francis instantly went red and waved his arms around. “N-no! Of course not! I was just simply trying to help. I-if that is too much of an invasion of privacy, please forgive my statement.”
Good. He’s off guard and flustered. Now is my time to eat him up. What knowledge can you give me, Francis?
“You’re too kind, Fran. There aren’t many people like you.”
Francis let out a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head. “Well, I believe a lot of people in this world are good. If there weren’t, then life would be hardly worth living at all. B-but really, it’s people like you who inspire me, Zee. You’re the best of us.”
Really? What an interesting human. Does he not know that his species is destructive and self-serving? According to historical documents from Zee’s memories, your kind’s legacy is war and bloodshed. Slavery. Destruction of life and the extinction of fauna. The exploitation and annihilation of your own species’ tribes. What good can there be in the rest of humanity? According to this woman’s own beliefs, you are the outlier here. That’s why she chose to study and work with animals rather than your kind.
“W-what do you mean?” Zee asked.
The young man chuckled softly, giving her a nod. “Well, I mean. I’ve always admired you. You were always so vocal about the preservation of life and endangered species, even if no one else shared your passion. You are kind to animals, and were always fascinated by them. Very few people care that much, but you do. Your kindness doesn’t extend only to people, but to all things,” he explained. “Remember that one time when you saved a baby canary that had fallen from its nest?”
“Yes…”
“You were careful with it and helped it back up. But when its own mother rejected it, what did you do?”
“I took it home and cared for it until it was old enough to be set loose.”
“Exactly. You were so careful, even buying a syringe just to feed it like how a mother bird would. You could gently tap on the canary and you documented every day of its growth. I’ve never seen someone like that before. It’s why I like you. Many people often neglect the part where we have to nurture nature as much as ourselves, and to do so with kindness and love.”
“Thank you. Did you also just say that you like me..?” Zee asked. How interesting. Does this human male share the same affection Azrael does? This female had not yet experienced sexual relations with another, perhaps it would be an enriching experience on human connection. Hm, should I try it with this male? Maybe not.
“A-ah! I mean… a-as a friend! You’re someone I look up to, and well, we’ve been close friends. There’s no way I would lie and say that I didn’t like you. You are a very likable person after all.”
What… a nice thought. It’s unfortunate that I have to eat you, Francis. Oh, well.
“Oh, Francis. That’s very nice of you. However, I’m very hungry now, and I’m afraid that this is where we part.”
“O-oh uhm, I don’t have any food on me. Maybe I could cook something up from the cabi—” Francis choked on his words as he fell on his back. “Z-Zee?! W-what—!” he stammered looking up at the woman in front of him.
Azrael had stood up from the bed and her hair floated in the air, moving as if like the tendrils or tentacles of a cephalopod. A large maw with rows of jagged teeth appeared on her stomach, opening vertically as if her midsection had ripped apart to reveal prehensile tongues several feet long. Her lips curved up to reveal a mouth of fangs and sharp canines. Her jaw unhinged like a snake’s. Eyes appeared on her cheeks and other parts of her body. Additional mouths sprouted from the palms of her hands and her thighs. Her fingers morphed into razorlike talons, and insectoid mandibles sprouted from the sides of her midsection… possibly to hold prey in place while it was consumed.
“Thank you for the lovely time, Fran. I enjoyed the company,” Zee spoke without moving her lips. In fact, it almost sounded like her voice rang in Fran’s head. As if she had spoken to his mind directly. The young man’s lips quivered in fear as he crawled away from the monster in front of him. He felt his back against the door, and his legs went numb.
“Z-Zee… w-what—”
“I will have a nice time devouring you, Fran.”
“N-no… No! Please don’t do this! H-how did this… what are you?!”
“You don’t need to know. Just know that it will all be over soon.”
“No! Please! Z-Zee, I know you! T-this isn’t like you! I-I’m your friend, please!”
The tendrils stretched out and wrapped around Francis’ arms. Slowly pulling him towards her gaping maw. “No! No! Please stop this! I-I don’t know what happened to you but this isn’t you! You’re kind! Y-you’re gentle and caring! W-we’ll find whatever or whoever turned you into t-this! We’ll get them behind bars!”
Tears began to form in the young man’s eyes as he struggled against her grip. “Zee, please! Please! I’m begging you! I-I won’t tell a soul! Please! I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! Azrael! Azrael, don’t! Please!”
“I am not Azrael anymore. I devoured her like I’m about to you,” Zee revealed.
“T-then who… what…”
“I am Azryvlv’toth. A voraciocite. My kind eats and evolves. We infiltrate, devour, and destroy entire civilizations. Yours is no different. As soon as I repair my ship, my kind will come flocking to your world, and we shall feast upon all its life!”
“N-no… Z-Zee would never do that…”
“That is your mistake. I am no longer her. This world is meant to be consumed, and so are you.”
“No… please…”
As Azryvlv’toth dragged Francis closer and closer to her jaws, her head was flooded by thoughts. It annoyed her but she paid them no mind at first. However, the thoughts began to pool one after another. Emotions, feelings, logic, and her victim’s memories all began battering her mind. Sorrow, fear, panic, care, and an instinctual drive to protect. She felt her resolve wavering as the thoughts and emotions affected her actions. Her heart beat rapidly. Her legs threatened to give out under her weight, and her arms shook with intensity.
She grunted and dipped her head down, placing her hands on her temples. Growling, fighting something akin to a second voice in her head. Is this what happens when you eat and assimilate a sapient?! Was it because it was my first time that I had not properly separated Azrael’s thoughts from my own? No, she's dead. She cannot think. Yet, her memories and instincts are screaming at me!
She hissed and suddenly pulled her tentacles back, letting go of Francis and reverting back to her human form. She shook her head and pulled at her hair, letting out a scream that dripped with frustration. “Ugh, fuck! Fine! You win, Zee!” she yelled out.
“W-what…” Francis clutched his chest, backing away with confusing and horror still evident on his face. “A-are you… Zee, i-is that you?”
“Huh,” Azrael shook her head. “I can’t kill you.”
“Y-you can’t..?”
“She won’t let me. What dumb luck you have, Francis. This woman’s mind loves you too much.”