Don t turn around uh oh, the commissars in town uh oh

Dear Crafters,
I feel duty bound to inform you of a dangerous griefer lurking around the server. A man pretending to be above such acts, who has discarded any previously held morals and replaced them with a misguided hate.
Attached is a screen shot of MuskWizard participating in the grief of SBA 64. On the way there due to his old age he stopped just short. In his elderly confusion began placing explosives at a newfriends farm, and left most of the real work to those who actually know how to destroy a spawn base.
He is beyond reason, and through his actions destroyed a prideful haven of the 2b2t LGBTQ+ community. Can you compare this to genocide? I don’t have the answers, but I’d certainly say it was a hate crime. He is not magical, he is not a wizard, he may have a grey beard, but he is missing most of his grey matter. Please take measures to remove him and defend your groups and builds from this “man”. While slow and wheezing along the way he may show up and destroy something kinda near your thing even though coordinates were sent in public chat (oh brother).
Screenshot

Hi, everyone!! I’m 25 yo, I’m from Mexico, so, my English it’s not very well but I hope you can help me, all of this begin like 10 years ago, back then I was very interested about lucid dreams, my reasons? I want to see my mom again, she passed when I have only 5 years old so I find information about lucid dream, that you can control everything and see whatever you want, so I did every step to do it, induction meditation videos, writing my dreams, watch my hands or try to read anything.
so, when I have my first lucid dreams I remember that just before I woke up I was vibrating so much, I thought it was bc of excitation or something, but, after that in my meditations I felt that vibration too, too less than in my dream, but the same feeling, I was scared back then, so, a few years later I’ve noticed that when I felt that vibrations on my dreams, I really big vibration, all my body vibrating like an earthquake, my body doesn’t move, I don’t know how explain it, it’s like I’m gonna blow up, so, when I’m dreaming (I think) every time (it’s not always) I felt that, I know that I can get a lucid dream bc I’m shoot out and I’m getting flyng faster, I travel a lot in my dreams, even had weird dreams, but I just let it like that “dreams”.
Yesterday, I was taking a nap, a noise woke me up, when I back to sleep I felt that vibration, but it’s unconsciousness, I was vibrating so bad (in a good way) and I think “oh, I’m gonna get a lucid dream, I know how to handle it, so just let it be” but it wont, the vibration started to get less till I wake up.
I know, maybe I’ve lost the focus, idk, but that feeling, shoot out and fly in my lucid dream, I’m only get it when I’m sleep, never on meditation, idk why, never try it, but this time I’m propuse to do it, without noises, just me, meditating. When im getting the vibration and get focus on it, it increase and decrease, over and over, when I lost it I’d started again, but then I’m starting to think in forgiveness, I’ve forgive myself and everyone I get around, and started to get thankful I’ve notice that vibration increase, til my head, it was and a great experience, even I’d cry, bc the vibrating make me feel like I’m spinning out, of course I don’t move physically, but I felt that I was doing circles in the air, another weird think is that my eyes started moving faster, like in a REM PHASE, but I wasn’t sleeping, so I get almost the same vibration, but when I wanna get “shoot out” it decreases, and have to started again, even that and after a few attempts, it felt like I can’t move (not literally) I was so relaxing that I felt that I was a viewer.
For me, that experience it was like a 10-20 min max of that meditation, but it was 2 hours, I haved a date with my gf and, if I’m serious with you guys, I heard and senses the physically vibration of my phone, but I can’t and I don’t wanna move. It was like a peaceful feeling.
I don’t know, I’ve asked to some close people, just one told me that she feel the same a long time ago when he was a kid. Anyone else have experience something like that?? I’m not feel special, I’m not searching about validation or something, I’m just try to find answers.
Gracias por leerme, un saludo y abrazo a todos!!

I never attempted a pre-Hooktail run on the original game, but I figured I'd go for it in the remake since I'm fresh off the 100p, and I beat Bonetail (with an asterisk)!
I, unfortunately, had to use the "Try Again" feature twice, so no, it is not an official run (but I will absolutely be trying again for a legitimate run soon now that I know more about what I need), but it was still super fun, and I wanted to share how it went and where I went wrong.
Okay, my loadout:

• I was Level 3 when I started. I believe it's possible to go in at Level 2, but I did a couple optional battles. I'm sure there were some ramifications on healing that I could've calculated, but I was flying by the seat of my pants a bit. Didn't seem to have a big effect (by the later floors, I was leveling up every 2-3 fights most of the time)
• Decided to upgrade Koops over Goombella. I knew going in it was the worse choice (Goombella does 4 damage output vs. Koops 3 + Multibonk with Mega Rush P is nasty), but my rationalization was that I valued Powershell to take out multiple enemies while in Peril more, and I genuinely did not think I would have a chance against Bonetail without Shell Shield (this will become ironic later)
• From Dazzle, I chose to get Item Hog, Flower Finder and Pretty Lucky. I liked this a lot--Power Plus or Power Plus P would have been nice, yeah, but Item Hog was so critical. I would've had multiple more deaths without some really nice healing drops (including a Shooting Star that saved my butt in the 90s Floors). I think Quick Change is viable and would be interested to try it, but the BP allotment is heavy, and I would've dearly missed Flower Finder or Item Hog.
• Got all badges possible including the shop as expected (the Petalburg shop has about a million Sleepy Sheep in its inventory now, if you need any :) )
• I brought a handful of healing items, the Hooktail’s Castle Life Shroom, maybe 3 or 4 Fire Flowers, two POW blocks (next time, I'm bringing more of these haha), and the Thunder Rage + Shooting Star + Life Shroom from the shop points. Didn't buy any Fright Masks (couldn't maybe? I think after activating the Zess T. quest I lost the shop slot for them), but I would have if I knew how handy they would be after getting a couple from item drops.

Alright, the run:
Floors 1-49: Really nothing particularly noteworthy here. I got my feet wet with the low damage output, but there were no serious scares. Lakitus and Shady Koopas were a little annoying, but a little patience and it was no problem. I heavily prioritized BP upgrades here--probably the first five level-ups, and then an FP, and then two or three more BP. I think this strategy was helpful. All Clefts tended to be annoying as well, but the Superguards on them are very simple. Notably, Piercing Blow, Sleep Stomp, Fire Drive and Zap Tap were all used heavily in this run, which was refreshing as I’ve never really used any of these in normal play! But in a run like this, you have to get creative. I skipped multiple Movers here. I just wanted to take on the full challenge.
Floors 51-59: Here was my first death, this one coming from simply poor play. Played it a bit too risky and missed a Superguard on a Dark Boo. So, that’s where the run technically ended, but I wanted to keep going to learn more about what the lower floors have to offer, so I hit “Try Again” and kept plugging along. I used a Fright Mask at least once on this section (I believe it was four Ice Puffs?). Also, this is where I started to learn how annoying it can be to get/keep your partners in Peril. Badge Bandits were a real pain without having one or both partners in Peril, but as I’m sure you all know, they changed how healing works on a level up. In the original game, only the partner that was out in battle during a level up was healed fully. Now, the whole party heals. For casual players, this is great! For runs like this, it is a bit annoying. Ultimately, it just means you have to do a lot more tattling (or Googling, I suppose) for damage outputs and math to get back to Peril. The saving grace is that if you allow a partner to fall in battle, they are revived to 1 HP after the battle. Only issue is if a heart drops in the field and you happen to be standing over top of it, you’re very unhelpfully back to 2 or 3 HP (another very avoidable issue in the original game, as I would imagine you would typically NEVER have your Peril partner in the end of the battle anyway). But outside of that, Fire Drive was the Mario move of choice here.
Floors 61-69: Peril Koops was big time here, but Peril Goombella was also massive for the Dark Lakitus. And shoutout to Piercing Blow for help with the Spiky bois. The Craws have a lot of HP, but it was more patience than anything else, as the Superguard timing is pretty straightforward and they have no defense.
Floors 71-79: Swoopulas, Chain-Chomps, Wizzerds, and Dark Koopatrols. This is where a couple extra POW blocks would have been useful (and later for Dark Bristles). Phantom Embers were largely easy (although, no Fire Drive on them of course, so Koops and Power Smash to the rescue). Sleep Stomp was a key tactic for larger groups on the Swoopulas and Wizzerds, although the success rate on the Wizzerds was low. Used up a Thunder Rage and a couple Fire Flowers here to get out of jail.
Floors 81-89: Spunias and Piranha Plants were nothing exciting, but here was death number two of the run. This one was a math mistake. In an attempt to get Koops into Peril from an Arantula shot, I THOUGHT that any regular guard would get him there, and if I misread the throw and it was actually headed toward Mario, he would survive with a regular guard as well. Well, my math was wrong, I hit the regular guard, the attack hit Mario and good night haha. At this point, of course I continued as the run was already illegitimate anyway. Outside of that, the most strategy I employed was waiting for the Arantulas to go into low position and then (try to) put them to sleep before employing Koops in Peril. No major issues, no major item use.
Floors 91-99: Well, this section was wild in a couple of ways. Floor 91 gave me 5 Elite Wizzerds. These dudes are brutal. I am AWFUL at Superguarding their attacks. I had gotten an extra Shooting Star from an Item Hog drop earlier, and I used two on the first turn to get rid of them. This is what I saved them for anyway! At this point, the Star Points were accumulating so fast that Peril strats were incredibly challenging to get into. I’d let the partners die if the math didn’t work out, but that would only work for one battle at a time, as the next level up came so quickly. I wonder if starting at a higher level would have helped prevent this, but at the expense of some healing. Anyway, I dealt with Poison Puffs almost identically to the Arantulas: wait until they get low and then try to put them to sleep/get them with Peril Goombella. Floor 93 I got bailed out with 4 Bob-ulks. Easy peasy. But, I think we all know the most dangerous enemies to face: Amayzee Dayzees. And oh buddy, on Floor 94, I got the 2 Amayzee Dayzee combo. Yikes. No way to take them out in the first turn (yeah, I wish I had Multibonk right about now). So, I had to take my chances. I tried putting one to sleep, and it did not take. Fate was with the Gods, and lo and behold, they both ran. Phew. Unfortunately, this had a bit of an adverse effect. I got far fewer star points from that battle with fewer enemies, and I did not level up. Then, on Floor 95, I got a Mover. Okay, I had options. I had Goombella in Peril, but not Koops. I also had only 15 FP after all healing items, and about 20 HP. I decided to go straight to Bonetail. I’m not sure if the official rules outlaw Movers, but ya know, I had already died twice, and I wanted to see how hard Bonetail was, so I went in. Looking back, maybe just taking two floors down and doing the last couple battles to increase HP and FP some more with a couple levels + a potential heal would’ve been smarter. Happy Heart and Happy Flower were going to be necessary, but I neglected to take off Item Hog/Flower Finder for Pity Flower which would have been much more useful. Very silly oversight. But, here we go.
Bonetail: I opened with Goombella in front, tattled, then switched into Koops, hoping I could get him into Peril as well and ultimately lay down a Shell Shield. Here’s a problem I easily could have seen ahead of time but didn’t: Bonetail does 8 damage (and piercing) on the breath attack. Koops has 15 HP, so the attack bypasses Last Stand P for him. What I SHOULD have done is use regular guards on two straight attacks with a Shell Shield up for Mario and I would have been in Peril. I instead tried to Superguard and missed, and then I was in trouble. I still could have gotten out of this, and I tried to. I put Koops in front, defended, and hoped I got the stomp attack. But alas, another breath, and then Koops went down. Peril Goombella was a menu click away, but I decided to rock with Mario alone for a bit, and I realized something. When you Sweet Treat with a partner, you can get about 8 or 9 HP per person + FP. But, with Mario alone, I noticed I was getting about 11 HP per Sweet Treat. So, I stayed Mario only instead of bringing Goombella in. The strategy was pretty simple: Fire Drive as much as possible, Sweet Treat, get two moves out (and hit the Stylish to fill back up the Star Power), Superguard a million times, and hope I don’t get bit. I didn’t hit them all, and I got bailed out by a Shine Sprite bingo after missing a breath Superguard that left me asleep. I would’ve surely been in major trouble, but between some Lucky misses, some steadfast Superguarding, and multiple heals from Bonetail, I drove him all the way to 0 without bringing Goombella back out. The math on getting enough FP back/having enough Star Powetaking too much damage was delicate. Basically, I could afford about 8 damage every three turns. I got very fortunate with the small amount of bite attacks (assuming those are still not Superguardable? If they are, I never hit one haha), and was able to stave off the rest of the attacks. However, my crowd continued to dwindle for whatever reason, so that 8 damage every three turns turned into every four turns before I could get enough Star Power to Sweet Treat again. It was an absolute GRIND, and I was insanely nervous by the end, but I managed to do just enough and lay the last Fire Drive in the end.
So, even though I didn’t technically complete an official run, I had a blast with the challenge that I will gladly be attempting again soon. I didn’t save and kept the file before I upgraded my partnetraded the star pieces/whatnot so I can try some other strategies quickly. In any case, it was super fun and refreshing, and I highly recommend that anybody who has played this game to completion to give it a go! It’s hard, but I’m sure it will be truly rewarding when I eventually complete it.

I went shopping to Tesco today and I had my infant daughter in a carrier.
To keep her calm, I was casually talking to her. Nothing spectacular, basically just stuff like: "What do you think, should we take the bigger pack of meat, or the smaller one will do? Better take the bigger one, right? Oh yes, we will take the bigger one and we can make schnitzels for daddy, do you think he would like that? And if we are making schnitzels, we can also make strudel, we have apples from granny, remember? Oh yes, so we should take walnuts. Will you remind me we need walnuts? Yes, you will. You are my good girl. ..." Apologies for the long example, but I just wanted to demonstrate that the stuff I was saying was almost painfully normal, just a boring inner monolog that I was sharing with my daughter. Also, I was not, by any means, talking loud or in any way that could disturb someone.
At one point, I noticed that an older lady seemed to be shopping weirdly close to me for some time already, but I would not think twice about it.
If she did not approach me.
Her: Hey, who are you talking to?
Me: Hello, haha, I am just having a conversation with my daughter. (My baby gets a lot of attention from random grandmas, so I assumed that the lady just did not see my daughter as I was having her in the carrier and under my jacket. I thought that we will get one "oh what a cute angel, I did not see you there, hello honey, you are so sweet" as usual and will be on our merry way, but no.)
Her: But she is a baby.
Me (a bit confused): Yes?
Her: Well, then why are you talking to her like this? Asking her stuff? She does not understand that!
Me (more confused): Uh, I just often talk to her like this to keep her calm and to help her meet the world around her.
Her: But she is a baby. She can not answer you the things you were asking.
Me (borderline flabbergasted, but still leasing towards being confused that someone does not find talking to a family member one of the most common things there are): Well, I know?
Her: Then why do you talk to her! This is ridiculous!! You talk to her like she is an adult! She does not understand you! She can not reply to you! YOU should know this stuff about your husband, wheather he would like a salad too or nor! She does not talk!
At this moment I concluded she must be a troubled person, also my willingness to explain to someone why do I talk to my very own child dropped dramatically, so with some "OK, excuse me please now, I would like to continue shopping", I tried to leave.
Her: NO! COME BACK HERE! I said come back here you absolute madman! I will tell you what I think! I think you are some kind of freak who sees people! That's right, you are a freak and you talk to invisible people! There is NO CHANCE you are talking to your daughter, because she is a baby! You are dangerous!!
Me (being beyond words because of the utter absurdity of the situation): Uhm.. OK. If you say so.
She continued screaming at me for solid 2 minutes after this.
I stopped paying attention to her completely and finished my shopping (forgot walnuts). At the registers, I noticed her standing nearby heavily gesticulating at me to some of the store employees, who probably was sane enough not to even bother coming to me, which probably was driving her even crazier.
Only when I arrived home, I realized I should have said something like: "Ohmm, magical invisible creatures, please guide me with your wisdom and make me decide if the farmer on our street will have nicer couliflowers than those or if we should take one here just to be sure, ohmmm thank you, my good invisible people."
Yeah, so that. Talking to our own kids is wrong now too, I guess.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
We pulled off I-51 a little after midnight, stopping at a truck stop which was couched between the highway and a large forest.
We waited in the van for ten minutes or so. Trent had increased the sonar radius to its maximum of 30 miles a little over an hour ago. Somehow the red pings had kept up with us, holding a steady distance of around 20 miles. Considering we were averaging around 80 mph, and a coyote's top speed is only around 40 mph, we figured they had been enhanced in some way. Either that, or they shape-shifted into something faster. Regardless, now that we had stopped, we waited to see if the demon spawn would try and close the distance. Luckily, or unluckily, they didn't. They kept their 20 mile buffer, but we noticed they were beginning to spread out along the circumference of that boundary.
"We're close. They know that, so they're trying to trap us in." Trent said.
"Trying to?—more like they have."
We considered whether we should stay in the van and keep watch, but we figured that would do us little good. At their speed, they could be on us in ten minutes, which means we would need to stay up all night and keep tabs on their positions. Trent offered to stay up, of course, but I shut him down.
"The demon doesn't want to kill us now. You said it yourself. Plus, we need our rest. If they come, they come."
Trent didn't like it, but he acquiesced.
The truck stop had all the essentials: a gas station and mini mart with showers and an attached McDonald's, a large parking lot for truckers to idle and sleep, and even a section with lodging for those who wanted a more comfortable night's rest. I told Trent that he should take advantage of the showers, and after a little convincing, he agreed. While he was cleaning himself up, I patrolled the dingy, half-stocked aisles of "Daisy's Quick Mart". I probably would have been appalled at the quality of the store had I actually been paying any attention to it whatsoever. But I wasn't. I was thinking hard about what awaited me tomorrow.
During the drive, I had asked Trent why the demon would want us to return to the crash site. What did he mean that I would be 'confronting a dark entity in a place he couldn't help me'? He seemed hesitant to answer, but my little stunt outside the storage facility seemed to have sufficiently motivated him.
"When I said I've never done this before, I meant it." Trent started. "I've never done this exact thing before—meaning I've never projected someone into the past."
"So, I'm time traveling?" I asked.
"No—don't think of it like that." Trent paused, trying to come up with a good explanation. "It's more like I'm opening a window for you to look through: not a door. You're going to see the past, but you can't interact with the physicalities there. But that doesn't mean you can't interact with anything."
There was a space of silence as Trent tried to let me work out his meaning for myself. "I don't get it. Are you saying there's something I can interact with? Like what?" And then it hit me. "The demon. The demon can interact with me? Meaning what? It can kill me?"
"Meaning… I'm not exactly sure. You're going to be in a kind of psychic space. If it does damage, it won't be to your body. It'll be to your mind—or spirit. But I don't know what the limits of that damage could be. I just don't have those answers."
"If you've never done this, how do you know any of it will work?"
"That's an easy one." Trent answered. "Because it's been done to me."
There was silence.
"Look, if I know anything, I know my tech. Don't doubt that this will work. It's my job to make sure it does. I just need you to be in the right mental for this. Just because it knows your coming doesn't mean it automatically has the upper hand. It won't be able to see you unless you make contact with it first. In other words, you have to initiate contact. As long as you remain a spectator, you should be okay. Trust me. Just don't make contact."
I started pacing faster—fast enough to catch the attention of the overnight shift worker, a young man whose name I can't quite remember. I know it started with a "J". Jake, maybe? Anyway, he asked if I was alright, to which I responded in the affirmative. He left me alone for another couple passes, but when I almost ran into one of the shelves, he stood up and said, "Uh—I'm going to have to ask you to stop running around. I don't want you to hurt yourself."
I must have stared daggers at him, because he recoiled from my gaze. What's gotten into me? I thought. Then, steadying myself, I apologized. I looked around and grabbed the nearest edible looking piece of merchandise: a bag of Swedish Fish, and placed it down on the counter. "Just this, please."
The cashier rang me up. It was surprisingly cheap.
"Are you sure you're alright?" the young man asked. He was tall with brown hair. He seemed tired—maybe even more tired than me. But he also seemed kind.
I smiled as best I could and said, "No, I'm not. But there's not really anything you can do. Hell, there might not be anything I can do." I furrowed my eyebrows at my own response, realizing that imminent death may have broken my verbal filter.
On the other hand, the cashier did not seem surprised at all. "Ah, I see. It's one of those problems." He responded. "Well, hey, for what it's worth, you seem like one of the resilient ones. I think you'll be alright."
I only smiled and nodded at his mildly cryptic comment. Looking back, the whole interaction was a bit strange, but I had way too much mental clutter to recognize that in the moment. I took my Swedish Fish and walked through the anteroom which led to McDonald's. I found an open yellow booth that wasn't littered with crumpled straw sleeves and sat down, chomping mindlessly on my little red fish until Trent returned. When he arrived, he took my place, and I went to shower. After we were both clean and fed, we returned to the van. The pings were still pushed safely out of harm's way. But that didn't mean we were out of harm's way. Trent asked me if I wanted to sleep in the van, saying that "it'd be the safest place."
I thought it over. He was right, obviously. The van was not only outfitted with weapons I couldn't even begin to understand, but it was also our escape, and it would be just as difficult, if not more difficult to break into than the studio-style motel rooms with their wood doors and big windows. Still, if this was going to be my last night on earth, I wanted to sleep in a bed. A real bed. Trent understood and said he'd stay parked right outside my room for the night.
After purchasing a key from the night attendant, I moseyed over to the cement walkways which connected the twenty or so rooms. Mine was room #56, which I thought was odd since, like I said, there were only 20 rooms. I lugged in my tomato plushie and dad's old book and placed them on the queen mattress.
"I'll be right outside." Trent said after I collapsed onto the bed.
"Trent," I called out, stopping him half-way through the door.
"Yeah?"
All the blood in my body rushed up to my face as I realized my unfiltered mouth almost reflexively said the word "stay". I stared at Trent, my heart beating, my face hot. I considered asking him to sleep on the floor like my dad, but that would be childish and impolite. The alternative was to share my bed… Or I could take the floor.
"I'll just be right outside." Trent said before my mind processed a solution. "Come by if you need anything. I'll be up most of the night anyway."
"Okay," I replied in a faint voice.
Trent shut the door.
I sat atop the bedsheets and acquainted myself with my new living space. A feeling of regret closed over me as I considered that even sleeping on a carseat would have been better if it meant I didn't have to be alone. With a sigh, I turned on the bedside lamp and grabbed the book and stuffed tomato, using the tomato as a backrest as I slipped my legs under the covers and situated the book upright on my thighs. I cracked it open and was immediately blasted with a puff of dusty, old book scent. It was ripe at first, and I turned my head away to sneeze, but as I perused through the pages, the scent grew on me. It reminded me of the days growing up when I'd step into dad's study and read through one of the many volumes on cryptic topics which were at least two college degrees above my Lexile range.
I was only a couple minutes into browsing the collection of different scientific and philosophical works when I came across a page which contained highlighted text. This was unusual, as my dad would never mark up his books. He was a purist on that point. I rubbed my thumb over the yellow lines, and sure enough, it was highlighter.
The highlighted text was part of a small book by Carl Jung called "Synchronicity". There were a total of three pages that were marked, and they advanced like this:
Page 5:
The philosophical principle that underlies our conception of natural law is causality*. But if the connection between cause and effect turns out to be only statistically valid and relatively true, then the causal principle is only of relative use for explaining natural processes… That is as much to say that the connection of events may in certain circumstances be other than causal, and require another principle of explanation.*
Page 19:
…there are events which are related to one another experimentally, and in this case meaningfully*, without there being any possibility of proving that this relation is a causal one, since the "transmission" exhibits none of the known properties of energy…a situation which does not yet exist and will only occur in the future could transmit itself as a phenomenon of energy to a receiver in the present…Therefore, it cannot be a question of cause and effect, but of a falling together in time, a kind of simultaneity... "synchronicity"*
Page 22:
A young woman I was treating had, at a critical moment, a dream in which she was given a golden scarab. While she was telling me this dream I sat with my back to the closed window. Suddenly I heard a noise behind me, like a gentle tapping. I turned round and saw a flying insect knocking against the window pane from outside. I opened the window and caught the creature in the air as it flew in. It was the nearest analogy to a golden scarab that one finds in our latitudes, a scarabaeid beetle, the common rose-chafer… which contrary to its usual habits had evidently felt an urge to get into a dark room at this particular moment.
I flipped through the rest of the pages of the book. There was no more highlighted text, but there was a message on the last page which read:
Matthew 7:7-8
I'll meet you in the darkest place.
He also included his typical smiley face which had an ovular shape and three sprouts of hair which I now realized kind of resembled my tomato plushie. It was my dad's writing, of course. But why? And how? What did this mean?
The motel had a Bible stashed away in the nighstand drawer. I got it out and looked up the verses which read the following:
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
I spent maybe an hour ruminating on all of this. The whole discourse on energy and causality and a "falling together in time" just seemed so right. It was clear that my dad definitely did know what I was going through, but for whatever reason, he made it seem like he was oblivious. Why had he hidden that from me? I felt like I was being pulled in two directions. On the one hand, my dad loved me enough to leave this note, maybe even knowing the exact moment I'd need it. But on the other hand, he had neglected my struggles throughout my entire childhood. He even lied at times. Was this really enough to make up for all of that?
And then there was the section about the future transmitting energy to the past. I read back through the whole paragraph and the original writer had meant it to say this as something that wasn't possible, but my dad's highlighting made it seem like he wanted to flip the meaning. The future does affect the past. I thought about where I was headed and wondered if I would soon discover that for myself.
Lastly, dad's message. The Bible verse reminded me of the first time I prayed; how I reached out to God and received peace as an answer to my prayer. Now I feel like I'm actively seeking… something, but I don't know yet what I'll find. And then there's knocking. At first that reminded me of the story with the beetle tapping on the window, but then I went back even deeper in my memory and dug out the monster tapping at my window, and the words my dad spoke to me in order to set my mind at ease: "you're a superhero. And you know what your greatest superpower is? Your greatest power is you get to tell the monsters what to do. Because the monsters are only as strong as the stories you tell about them…so if you're ever scared, honey, just dream up a better story."
I was crying into my stuffed tomato now. I felt like all the blinking pieces of my life had finally been pulled together into a completed puzzle. This was all by design. My entire life, filled with so much chaos and confusion, was actually preparing me for this moment. And my dad thought I had the tools and strength enough to get through it. I flipped through the book one more time, thinking maybe he had left some other hidden comment—some formula to defeat this demon and return home. But there was nothing. Only that one comment: "I'll meet you in the darkest place."
What's the darkest place, dad? Is that where I'm going? Are you saying you'll be there, too?
With those thoughts in mind, my eyes became heavy shutters which, with a slight pressure on the pulley, winded shut. My swimming thoughts and firework-like fears dissipated, and I returned to a precious childhood memory. It was after an evening soccer practice. Summer. Dad was driving me to Dairy Queen. I got a cherry-dipped twist cone. I was happy.
So, so happy.
***
I woke up to sunlight blaring through my windows. Shit, I overslept, was my immediate thought. I threw off my covers and opened the front door. A glance at the clock showed 1:13 PM. I shouldn't have even been allowed to stay checked in this long. Damn, am I gonna get double-billed for this?
I heard a rummaging sound around the corner of my motel room. It sounded like a squirrel was trying to find an afternoon snack in one of the garbage bins. I stepped outside. The sun was extremely bright, to the point where I had to squint and put my hand over my eyes to even see the ground in front of me. I was trying to walk toward the van, but somehow I ended up in front of the trash bins where the animal's tail was sticking out from a turned-over, silver garbage can. Its tail was wagging excitedly, and I remember thinking that it was much too large to be a squirrel.
The animal bent down as if biting onto something, and I heard the sound of its growl as it struggled to tug whatever it was free from the barrel. Inch by inch, the creature backed out of the canister, and more of its sharp, sticky hair was revealed. I heard something snap, then the creature leapt back and I saw what it was chomping on. My eyes widened in horror as the pink tube of a human intestine was pulled taut like the end of a tangled hose. Blood and entrails were spilling out of the human's opened gut. And then, behind the canine, I saw the person's face. His face was pale white, his eyes closed, and his hair was slicked back… It was Trent.
Before I could react, I heard footsteps approaching from behind. I whirled around and saw my dad. But—no, it wasn't him. It was someone wearing a paper-mache face mask that was painted to look like my dad. The forehead of the mask was already beginning to crack, white specks breaking off like sawdust. Through the cracks, I could see the figure's true form. I didn't know darkness had its own type of light, but that's the only way to describe it. It was as if malevolence itself was reified into a skin which was actually an amalgamation of millions of little, oozing parasites that leached into the nearby light. When it finally spoke, the demon's voice was a full octave lower than the old man's at the deli. And it had an earth-stilling gravitas.
"Today's the day!" He sang and reached into his pocket. His lips curled upward into a foxy smirk. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this day." He said and held up a razor blade. Half his facade had already fallen apart, and now I could see the bugs up close, writhing in what was either horror or ecstasy. And his scent… it was somehow more rank than the rabid coyote rummaging through the trash can with Trent's cut open body inside. The demon closed in on my position, and in one, decisive motion, he brought the blade close to his chin, then sliced it across my throat. "Wake up!" He screamed.
I jumped out of my bed and grabbed my throat, feeling the cold sting of its quick slice. Hyperventilating, I patted the area down, trying to hold the blood in, but when I removed my hands, I saw they were dry. It was only a dream, I thought. Gray light was only beginning to filter in through the drapes. I'm in my hotel room. I'm safe. I tried consoling, but the pragmatic mental massages weren't enough to hold the force of my knees buckling. I dropped onto the carpet and cried for a long while.
Outside, rain was beginning to fall.
***
By the time I met up with Trent, I had already composed myself and decided to keep my dad's message and the nightmare to myself. None of it seemed particularly productive from a logistical standpoint, anyway. And I wanted to focus on the mission.
We stopped by McDonald's and bought a couple cups of coffee. Trent asked if I wanted any food, and I declined. Black coffee seemed like the only thing my stomach could take at the present moment. I could tell Trent was hungry, but he tried playing it off (I guess to be respectful of me?) I told him to knock it off and get something to eat. I didn't need my Charon getting lightheaded and dropping the paddle before he finished rowing me to Hell. He didn't care much for my joke, but he ordered a couple Chicken McGriddles at the kiosk anyway.
There were maybe ten patrons spread throughout the restaurant. We sat down at the same booth from the prior night, this time across from one another. Trent spent the first ten minutes or so babbling about our fuel supply and the logistics of the trip from here on in. Practical stuff. I've come to realize that's how he deals with his stress. He talks it out in short, durable sentences. I mostly nodded and watched as what looked like a storm front closed in on the truck stop. The sky was overcast, and there were darker clouds in the distance. The rain was still only a patter, but a middle-aged man wearing a yellow bow tie on the wall-mounted TV confirmed that there would be heavier rain and thunderstorms very soon.
After the worker delivered Trent's food and he ate it in record time, I posed the one question that was still on my mind.
"How do I fight him?" I asked.
Trent finished a large gulp of his coffee, then looked at me. It was the first substantial thing I'd said all morning; Trent could tell something was off with me, but he figured there was no point in asking what it was. "By 'him', I assume you mean the demon?"
I nodded.
Trent licked his teeth clean. "You could try praying again."
"I'm serious," I responded.
"I'm serious, too. It worked before, didn't it?"
"You mean at my house?"
Trent nodded.
"I thought you weren't a religious man?"
"I'm not. Just a practical one. If praying worked before, maybe it'll work again."
"That's the best you've got? A maybe?"
"No, I've got a lot of shit better than a maybe." He answered. "It's just not accessible where you're going. Which is why I recommend not making contact on the first run."
"First run? So we're going to do this more than once?"
"At least," Trent answered. Then, seeing my expression, he continued. "What? You thought this was going to be a one-and-done? We have to conduct some research first. I did tell you this was new for me, right?"
Somehow Trent's response had set my mind at ease a little. I was going to have more than one chance. Of course, why wouldn't I be able to go back more than once?
"Why didn't you tell me this earlier? It would have gone a long way in easing my mind."
Trent lifted his hands in defense. "Sorry, I just thought that was a given. I mean, what we're doing is dangerous, just like I said, but it doesn't mean we aren't going to approach this as safely and scientifically as possible. However, there is a different problem with running multiple trials."
"The Organization?"
"That's right," Trent said like a proud parent. "Our little experiment will be like a giant spotlight, and the longer we wait around after it's on us, the greater the chance we'll have unwelcome company."
"So, safe but speedy."
"Safe but speedy. Exactly."
***
We fueled up and were back on the road a little after 8:00. From that point on, Trent and I were absolutely silent. I had the distinct feeling of being in the eye of a storm. The pings moved closer commensurate with our progress toward the crash site. The cloudfront continued its advance. And I noticed a haze beginning to descend onto the road ahead of us. It was fog.
We meandered further inland, the forest thickening around us until the rain almost stopped entirely—the leaves drinking it up before it fell onto our windshield. I kept my eyes on the radar. We were approaching the large yellow circle which indicated we had arrived. As we pulled closer, I began to feel things. Fear. Eeriness. Doubt. Then happiness. Hope. Love. Normally feelings like these had a clear source to picture, but these sensations came on in waves without any discernible reason. It was almost as if they were blinking into existence inside me.
"Here we go," Trent said like an airline pilot readying his crew for turbulence.
I still recall the exact moment we crossed the boundary into the area of higher energy. It was like something just "clicked" in my brain, and all of a sudden everything felt so much closer. The sound of the rain against the trees was almost right next to my ear. The trees in the distance would oscillate between their position a half-mile out, then suddenly seem five meters away. If I focused on something long enough, it began to radiate those same ethereal particles as when Trent released Ava's "phase lock". I checked to make sure the shifter wasn't set to "TD". Sure enough, it was still in drive.
"Can you see them?" Trent asked. "The shifts?"
"Yeah," I said in a dreamy voice. I felt like I was driving through a wonderland.
"It's the energy. I barely notice a difference. A bit of movement in the trees, but not much else. But I'm sure for you, it's a whole experience."
"What is this?" I raised my hand and caught some of the pixel dust dripping off the sun visor. It disappeared when it made contact with my hand.
"It's a kind of radiation. Everything emits it, just in different quantities. I'm still not exactly sure how it relates to the other realms, but I'm guessing it's a kind of primordial matter that helps connect our worlds."
"It's beautiful," I exclaimed. "I wish I could see the world like this all the time."
"Maybe you will," Trent whispered.
As we arrived at the crash site, I began to get glimpses of the past. My childhood dreams and memories were pushing their way out from my subconscious. I noticed an increased number of blinks, which were validated by Ava who reported the following: "Currently detecting 14,350 novel emergences and 2,777 controlled agents. Net anomalies: 2,777."
"That's a lot of blinks." I remarked. "Why doesn't Ava include them in the net anomalies?"
Trent turned his head so I could see his smirk. "Because blinks aren't anomalies."
I thought about it for a second. Blinks aren't anomalies. "I never thought about it that way."
"It's hard to think about it that way when 'normal' for most people means not picking up on a fundamental aspect of reality. But that doesn't make it any less real."
We continued past the epicenter of the yellow circle. "Are we not stopping?" I asked. "I think we already passed the crash site."
"It doesn't have to be exactly at the site," Trent said. "Plus, we don't want to stop on the side of the road and risk getting some civilian involved. There's a field about half a mile up ahead. I'm going to pull off the road and set up camp there.
The "field" that Trent was referring to was actually a large clearing that dipped down into several trench-like troughs which were filled to the brim with fog like witches cauldrons. Further on in the distance, I saw open fields, probably used for farming, and then a large hill where the trees once again reasserted themselves. We had pulled off the road and up a small incline where the trees had already been broken down, leaving a trail for us to drive through. When we surfaced at the edge of the clearing, Trent pulled us onto a flat bed of dried mud which was maybe thirty yards long.
"Here," he said with a sigh.
We both sat for a minute, looking around at the field. We had finally arrived. The rain was beginning to pick up, and the dark sky made it almost impossible to discern the time of day.
"You ready?" Trent asked.
I looked at him. Really looked at him. In his blue eyes. Was I ready? Did it even matter?
"Let's do this," I said.
***
This was the first time I was really able to inspect the back of Trent's van. He had talked up his gear a lot, and honestly, I was impressed. Not in the way that a scientist is impressed by another scientist's lab—I wasn't any kind of expert—but it still seemed remarkably well managed. Now that I was in a state where my vision had been enhanced, I could actually see the enigmatic particles circulating through the pneumatic tubes which were coiled like the pipes and valves of an elaborate wind instrument. The walls of the van, itself, were glistening white, making it easier to make out everything else inside. Along the floor were five overturned columns. Each column was dark and had a vibrating quality, as if they were charged with energy. Then atop the center three columns was a small altar which supported an apparatus with two skinny, metal arms holding a silver halo. At present, the arms were folded and the halo was suspended a few inches above the altar, faced-down. I thought maybe I'd see particles exuding from it, but instead it was emitting visible waves which bent and warped everything they touched.
"That thing is emitting a lot of energy." I remarked, gesturing toward the halo.
Trent stepped in between the columns and started pulling out the packages he had stuffed in there yesterday. "Just wait till' it's on."
Most of the packages contained only a single piece of equipment, and were otherwise packed with foam peanuts. We carefully removed each box and set them on the ground outside. I asked if the rain would damage any of the stuff inside, to which Trent only laughed and continued lugging out the boxes. When they were all out, Trent removed a box cutter from his pocket and went one-by-one opening them. There were eight pieces in total.
"What is it?" I asked as we fished the first item out.
"It's another apparatus, like the one inside. Except it'll mount on the ground out here."
I pulled out what looked like a metal tripod.
"Good, that'll go on the bottom."
"Where are we setting it up?"
"Over here," Trent said and stepped five paces away from the van. He coordinated himself up so he was centrally aligned with the inner ring, then stomped a few times. "This is the spot."
As we continued to work, I asked Trent about how the whole contraption works.
"Do you remember the first time we were in the van? When we had to escape from the semi-truck?" Trent asked and connected a secondary mounting apparatus on top of the tripod. It had four spider-like legs that made right angles and stuck into the ground.
"Of course," I said. "The 'phase lock'."
"Yeah," Trent said and gestured toward the metal stick that was in my hand. I handed it to him. "The phase lock is a seal on the level of energy that the van is allowed to release. It also controls its dispersion pattern so that it releases its energy in a steady wave. This allows Ava to scan for anomalies without causing us to become an anomaly." Trent stuck the plank into the neck of the tripod.
"So when you released the phase lock, we started emitting more energy."
"That's right." Trent confirmed. "Enough to create an alternate route through a different realm."
"So we blinked into a different realm, then back, just to avoid that truck?"
"That's right."
"But why couldn't we just move out of the way?"
"Because it had locked onto us. It was tracking our motion and adjusting its course based on the amount of energy we were emitting. So in order to escape, we had to radically skew our potential energy and then use it to shift."
"Couldn't he have just followed us?"
Trent connected four more pieces to the device which now looked like an elaborate teepee. He was fishing in the last box when he spoke again. "Yeah, he could have. But it was highly improbable that he would have found us." Trent returned from the bottom of the box with another silver ring in hand. "Think of it like this. Let's say you're trying to escape from some bad guy who's coming after you, and you enter a new room you've never seen before. Would you prefer this room to have three doors to go through, or ten?"
I thought about his riddle for a second, then responded, "It depends where they go."
Trent fastened the ring atop the teepee. "Let's say they all lead to random places, or let's say they're all closets that lead nowhere. The key is that more is better, because the more doors he has to check, the less likely he is to pick the correct one. Make sense?"
"So we opened up a bunch of doors and escaped through one at random?"
"Hence the gear 'TD', for 'Trap Door'."
I marveled at the insights, but not for long. Trent hopped back in the van and pulled a lever that I hadn't seen until now. The two metal arms raised the inner ring until it was perpendicular with the altar. Then Trent clicked one of three red buttons along the back wall, and I saw what looked like a large, glass eye suspended in a magnifying glass protruding from the wall, aligned with the center of both rings. A couple seconds later, the glass eye began to focus the energy which was being fed to it from the pneumatic tubes, and a blue pyramid of light projected from it into the first ring, then from the first ring into the second ring. All three pieces were aligned at slightly diminishing heights, so the cylinder of light beamed through the second ring, into the ground.
"Alright, time for the first trial."
I felt the nerves starting up in my stomach. Trent sensed this and hopped out of the truck. It was raining quite hard now, though it was still warm. Both Trent and I were soaked, but that hardly concerned us. He reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. "I know you're feeling scared." He said. "But trust me on this. You're going to do fine. Just keep in mind what we talked about. Stay a spectator. Okay?"
I looked into his blue eyes, which seemed especially gray in the dark. Still, Trent's voice was reassuring. All I had to do was trust him. Trust myself. Trust my dad. And it was all going to turn out right.
"I'm ready," I said.
Trent was still for a second, holding my eyes in his. Then he guided me behind the outer ring and into the cylinder of light.
"I should step into it now?" I asked, afraid I'd be called away immediately.
"It's not on yet, so don't worry. I still have to press another button."
I followed Trent's instructions and stood in the blue light which was centered on my chest. Then I watched as Trent ran into the back of the van and posted up next to the glass eye. "Ready?" He yelled out. It was hard to hear him over the rain, but I yelled back. "Ready!"
The next thing I saw was a blinding blue light beam from the van. I heard what sounded like a laser, then saw the cylinder oscillate, expanding and compressing. When the energy reached the second ring, I saw everything around me light up—it looked brighter than noon on a cloudless day. Then the oscillations made their way to me, and I was swallowed up whole.
***
When I came to, I was in the backseat of a car. I felt my butt rumbling. Everything was dim and quiet. And then I heard a woman's voice from in front of me.
"Mark, please, not with Lauren in the back."
The man, who I now identified as my father, pulled the cigarette away from his lips and blew the smoke at my mom. He eyed the back seat where I was sitting, using one of five markers that hadn't rolled off my lap to color a rabbit in my animal color book.
"The kid's fine." he said and took another drag.
"Mark," my mom repeated.
I saw my dad raise his hand in a rapid motion. "I said she's fine, Cheryl. Now check the map and make sure we're going the right away. I can't see shit with all this fog."
I took a moment to make sure I was really in the back seat. I patted myself. I clearly had weight. Then I tried touching the car. At first, my fingertips met a solid surface, but when I tried to press through, my hand slipped into the car. I quickly pulled my hand away as if I had reached into a fire.
That's when I heard the little three year old next to me start crying. I turned and saw that little-me had dropped another couple markers onto the ground and was struggling to reach them.
"Hey!" my dad shouted. "What did I say about crying?"
"Quit it, Mark. She just dropped her markers." said my mom; she turned to help me pick them up.
"What did you say to me?" Mark spat with a voice full of guile. He reached out and pushed her back into her seat. "Don't," he commanded. "She has to learn how to deal with life."
"Deal…" My mom started in disbelief. "Deal with life? Do you hear yourself? What's gotten into you?"
"Sometimes shit happens. It doesn't give her the right to cry. You helping her is just going to reinforce her behavior."
"Her behavior? What about your behavior? You're acting like a total dick."
I didn't even have a moment to react before my dad's hand was across my mom's face. I felt the slap more than I heard it, my own face seeming to swell with the force of the blow. I saw my mom cover her mouth and lean away. Then little-me began to cry even louder, which only challenged my dad to step up his own volume.
"Everyone needs to get a fucking grip before I crash this car." My dad shouted and took another drag. The scariest part was I couldn't tell if he was warning us or threatening us. I felt the sudden urge to do something. There was no way this was real. I was definitely in some fantasy concocted by the demon. He wanted to turn me against my dad. That was the only explanation for something like this. My dad was a good man, not… this.
As I contemplated what to do, I saw a small, golden light appear behind little-me's window. Apparently she saw it, too, because her cries hushed as she traced the wisp with her eyes. After a second, the wisp transformed into a bunny rabbit, reminiscent of the one she was coloring. The rabbit hopped alongside the window, then did a couple circles in place. I watched little me let out a playful laugh and reach toward the window.
"What's going on back there?" my dad asked with a scowl. Apparently the only sound more disturbing than cries were laughs.
I looked back to the front and saw my mom wiping blood from her lip. Her expression was miserable. "Leave her alone, Mark."
"I'll do whatever I damn well want to do, Cheryl. It's my kid back there."
My mom was quiet.
When I looked back toward the rabbit, it was no longer a rabbit but a person. Or at least it looked like a person. The figure radiated pure gold, and atop his head was what appeared to be a King's crown. I recalled Allison's experience of seeing the sun-like figure in her moment of distress. Was that what was happening here? Was this really all true?
"Hey!" My dad shouted, eyeing little-me from the rear-view mirror. "What are you reaching at?"
I looked and saw the golden figure extending his hand toward the window, and little me's hand was reaching back. "Mom, dad, it bright." little-me said.
"What's bright, honey?" my mom asked.
"Don't encourage her, Cheryl."
"Someone there!" little me shouted happily and dropped the rest of the markers and the coloring book onto the ground.
"Who's there?" asked my mom.
"Cheryl, I swear to God. Sit the fuck down."
Everything from that moment on happened so quickly I barely had any time to process it. My mom lifted out of her seat to either get little me's attention or help me pick up my coloring book. My dad responded by grabbing onto her throat, letting go of the steering wheel entirely. He threw her back against the car door, and her head hit the window so hard, the glass cracked. My dad had dropped his cigarette, and I could smell smoke coming from under his seat, but that didn't seem to bother him at all. He turned toward little-me at the same moment my three-year-old hand reached out and grabbed onto the golden figure, whose hand diffused through the window. When my dad turned, I got a whiff of the most awful smell that I wouldn't have been able to place had I not had that nightmare last night. He grabbed onto little-me's shoulder and tugged her away from the golden figure that was trying to pull her the other way. My dad's facade began to crack, and I could see those dark bugs crawling out from the pores in his arms, marching down toward little-me.
I reacted.
I grabbed onto my dad's arm and pulled him off little-me. I heard the sound of my shirt ripping as she was torn from his grip and pulled out of the car, diffusing through it like a ghost. My brief victory was immediately overturned as I saw what was now clearly the demon smiling at me, his wretched fingers curled around my forearm.
"Caught you," He sneered.
Then the whole world once again diffused into countless numbers of particles, only this time, instead of riding through it, I felt like I was falling through an elevator shaft with each floor darker than the last. The further I fell, the less I became aware of my surroundings, and the more I felt a deep sense of loneliness. It was as if I was the only person in the whole world: and the whole world was a prison designed entirely for me. This went on for so long, I began to forget who I was. Where I was. What was.
And then I landed.
***
Source Used:
Jung, Carl. Synchronicity. Translated by Sonu Shamdasani, Princeton University Press, 2010.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Content Warning: Domestic Abuse
***
We pulled off I-51 a little after midnight, stopping at a truck stop which was couched between the highway and a large forest.
We waited in the van for ten minutes or so. Trent had increased the sonar radius to its maximum of 30 miles a little over an hour ago. Somehow the red pings had kept up with us, holding a steady distance of around 20 miles. Considering we were averaging around 80 mph, and a coyote's top speed is only around 40 mph, we figured they had been enhanced in some way. Either that, or they shape-shifted into something faster. Regardless, now that we had stopped, we waited to see if the demon spawn would try and close the distance. Luckily, or unluckily, they didn't. They kept their 20 mile buffer, but we noticed they were beginning to spread out along the circumference of that boundary.
"We're close. They know that, so they're trying to trap us in." Trent said.
"Trying to?—more like they have."
We considered whether we should stay in the van and keep watch, but we figured that would do us little good. At their speed, they could be on us in ten minutes, which means we would need to stay up all night and keep tabs on their positions. Trent offered to stay up, of course, but I shut him down.
"The demon doesn't want to kill us now. You said it yourself. Plus, we need our rest. If they come, they come."
Trent didn't like it, but he acquiesced.
The truck stop had all the essentials: a gas station and mini mart with showers and an attached McDonald's, a large parking lot for truckers to idle and sleep, and even a section with lodging for those who wanted a more comfortable night's rest. I told Trent that he should take advantage of the showers, and after a little convincing, he agreed. While he was cleaning himself up, I patrolled the dingy, half-stocked aisles of "Daisy's Quick Mart". I probably would have been appalled at the quality of the store had I actually been paying any attention to it whatsoever. But I wasn't. I was thinking hard about what awaited me tomorrow.
During the drive, I had asked Trent why the demon would want us to return to the crash site. What did he mean that I would be 'confronting a dark entity in a place he couldn't help me'? He seemed hesitant to answer, but my little stunt outside the storage facility seemed to have sufficiently motivated him.
"When I said I've never done this before, I meant it." Trent started. "I've never done this exact thing before—meaning I've never projected someone into the past."
"So, I'm time traveling?" I asked.
"No—don't think of it like that." Trent paused, trying to come up with a good explanation. "It's more like I'm opening a window for you to look through: not a door. You're going to see the past, but you can't interact with the physicalities there. But that doesn't mean you can't interact with anything."
There was a space of silence as Trent tried to let me work out his meaning for myself. "I don't get it. Are you saying there's something I can interact with? Like what?" And then it hit me. "The demon. The demon can interact with me? Meaning what? It can kill me?"
"Meaning… I'm not exactly sure. You're going to be in a kind of psychic space. If it does damage, it won't be to your body. It'll be to your mind—or spirit. But I don't know what the limits of that damage could be. I just don't have those answers."
"If you've never done this, how do you know any of it will work?"
"That's an easy one." Trent answered. "Because it's been done to me."
There was silence.
"Look, if I know anything, I know my tech. Don't doubt that this will work. It's my job to make sure it does. I just need you to be in the right mental for this. Just because it knows your coming doesn't mean it automatically has the upper hand. It won't be able to see you unless you make contact with it first. In other words, you have to initiate contact. As long as you remain a spectator, you should be okay. Trust me. Just don't make contact."
I started pacing faster—fast enough to catch the attention of the overnight shift worker, a young man whose name I can't quite remember. I know it started with a "J". Jake, maybe? Anyway, he asked if I was alright, to which I responded in the affirmative. He left me alone for another couple passes, but when I almost ran into one of the shelves, he stood up and said, "Uh—I'm going to have to ask you to stop running around. I don't want you to hurt yourself."
I must have stared daggers at him, because he recoiled from my gaze. What's gotten into me? I thought. Then, steadying myself, I apologized. I looked around and grabbed the nearest edible looking piece of merchandise: a bag of Swedish Fish, and placed it down on the counter. "Just this, please."
The cashier rang me up. It was surprisingly cheap.
"Are you sure you're alright?" the young man asked. He was tall with brown hair. He seemed tired—maybe even more tired than me. But he also seemed kind.
I smiled as best I could and said, "No, I'm not. But there's not really anything you can do. Hell, there might not be anything I can do." I furrowed my eyebrows at my own response, realizing that imminent death may have broken my verbal filter.
On the other hand, the cashier did not seem surprised at all. "Ah, I see. It's one of those problems." He responded. "Well, hey, for what it's worth, you seem like one of the resilient ones. I think you'll be alright."
I only smiled and nodded at his mildly cryptic comment. Looking back, the whole interaction was a bit strange, but I had way too much mental clutter to recognize that in the moment. I took my Swedish Fish and walked through the anteroom which led to McDonald's. I found an open yellow booth that wasn't littered with crumpled straw sleeves and sat down, chomping mindlessly on my little red fish until Trent returned. When he arrived, he took my place, and I went to shower. After we were both clean and fed, we returned to the van. The pings were still pushed safely out of harm's way. But that didn't mean we were out of harm's way. Trent asked me if I wanted to sleep in the van, saying that "it'd be the safest place."
I thought it over. He was right, obviously. The van was not only outfitted with weapons I couldn't even begin to understand, but it was also our escape, and it would be just as difficult, if not more difficult to break into than the studio-style motel rooms with their wood doors and big windows. Still, if this was going to be my last night on earth, I wanted to sleep in a bed. A real bed. Trent understood and said he'd stay parked right outside my room for the night.
After purchasing a key from the night attendant, I moseyed over to the cement walkways which connected the twenty or so rooms. Mine was room #56, which I thought was odd since, like I said, there were only 20 rooms. I lugged in my tomato plushie and dad's old book and placed them on the queen mattress.
"I'll be right outside." Trent said after I collapsed onto the bed.
"Trent," I called out, stopping him half-way through the door.
"Yeah?"
All the blood in my body rushed up to my face as I realized my unfiltered mouth almost reflexively said the word "stay". I stared at Trent, my heart beating, my face hot. I considered asking him to sleep on the floor like my dad, but that would be childish and impolite. The alternative was to share my bed… Or I could take the floor.
"I'll just be right outside." Trent said before my mind processed a solution. "Come by if you need anything. I'll be up most of the night anyway."
"Okay," I replied in a faint voice.
Trent shut the door.
I sat atop the bedsheets and acquainted myself with my new living space. A feeling of regret closed over me as I considered that even sleeping on a carseat would have been better if it meant I didn't have to be alone. With a sigh, I turned on the bedside lamp and grabbed the book and stuffed tomato, using the tomato as a backrest as I slipped my legs under the covers and situated the book upright on my thighs. I cracked it open and was immediately blasted with a puff of dusty, old book scent. It was ripe at first, and I turned my head away to sneeze, but as I perused through the pages, the scent grew on me. It reminded me of the days growing up when I'd step into dad's study and read through one of the many volumes on cryptic topics which were at least two college degrees above my Lexile range.
I was only a couple minutes into browsing the collection of different scientific and philosophical works when I came across a page which contained highlighted text. This was unusual, as my dad would never mark up his books. He was a purist on that point. I rubbed my thumb over the yellow lines, and sure enough, it was highlighter.
The highlighted text was part of a small book by Carl Jung called "Synchronicity". There were a total of three pages that were marked, and they advanced like this:
Page 5:
The philosophical principle that underlies our conception of natural law is causality*. But if the connection between cause and effect turns out to be only statistically valid and relatively true, then the causal principle is only of relative use for explaining natural processes… That is as much to say that the connection of events may in certain circumstances be other than causal, and require another principle of explanation.*
Page 19:
…there are events which are related to one another experimentally, and in this case meaningfully*, without there being any possibility of proving that this relation is a causal one, since the "transmission" exhibits none of the known properties of energy…a situation which does not yet exist and will only occur in the future could transmit itself as a phenomenon of energy to a receiver in the present…Therefore, it cannot be a question of cause and effect, but of a falling together in time, a kind of simultaneity... "synchronicity"*
Page 22:
A young woman I was treating had, at a critical moment, a dream in which she was given a golden scarab. While she was telling me this dream I sat with my back to the closed window. Suddenly I heard a noise behind me, like a gentle tapping. I turned round and saw a flying insect knocking against the window pane from outside. I opened the window and caught the creature in the air as it flew in. It was the nearest analogy to a golden scarab that one finds in our latitudes, a scarabaeid beetle, the common rose-chafer… which contrary to its usual habits had evidently felt an urge to get into a dark room at this particular moment.
I flipped through the rest of the pages of the book. There was no more highlighted text, but there was a message on the last page which read:
Matthew 7:7-8
I'll meet you in the darkest place.
He also included his typical smiley face which had an ovular shape and three sprouts of hair which I now realized kind of resembled my tomato plushie. It was my dad's writing, of course. But why? And how? What did this mean?
The motel had a Bible stashed away in the nighstand drawer. I got it out and looked up the verses which read the following:
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
I spent maybe an hour ruminating on all of this. The whole discourse on energy and causality and a "falling together in time" just seemed so right. It was clear that my dad definitely did know what I was going through, but for whatever reason, he made it seem like he was oblivious. Why had he hidden that from me? I felt like I was being pulled in two directions. On the one hand, my dad loved me enough to leave this note, maybe even knowing the exact moment I'd need it. But on the other hand, he had neglected my struggles throughout my entire childhood. He even lied at times. Was this really enough to make up for all of that?
And then there was the section about the future transmitting energy to the past. I read back through the whole paragraph and the original writer had meant it to say this as something that wasn't possible, but my dad's highlighting made it seem like he wanted to flip the meaning. The future does affect the past. I thought about where I was headed and wondered if I would soon discover that for myself.
Lastly, dad's message. The Bible verse reminded me of the first time I prayed; how I reached out to God and received peace as an answer to my prayer. Now I feel like I'm actively seeking… something, but I don't know yet what I'll find. And then there's knocking. At first that reminded me of the story with the beetle tapping on the window, but then I went back even deeper in my memory and dug out the monster tapping at my window, and the words my dad spoke to me in order to set my mind at ease: "you're a superhero. And you know what your greatest superpower is? Your greatest power is you get to tell the monsters what to do. Because the monsters are only as strong as the stories you tell about them…so if you're ever scared, honey, just dream up a better story."
I was crying into my stuffed tomato now. I felt like all the blinking pieces of my life had finally been pulled together into a completed puzzle. This was all by design. My entire life, filled with so much chaos and confusion, was actually preparing me for this moment. And my dad thought I had the tools and strength enough to get through it. I flipped through the book one more time, thinking maybe he had left some other hidden comment—some formula to defeat this demon and return home. But there was nothing. Only that one comment: "I'll meet you in the darkest place."
What's the darkest place, dad? Is that where I'm going? Are you saying you'll be there, too?
With those thoughts in mind, my eyes became heavy shutters which, with a slight pressure on the pulley, winded shut. My swimming thoughts and firework-like fears dissipated, and I returned to a precious childhood memory. It was after an evening soccer practice. Summer. Dad was driving me to Dairy Queen. I got a cherry-dipped twist cone. I was happy.
So, so happy.
***
I woke up to sunlight blaring through my windows. Shit, I overslept, was my immediate thought. I threw off my covers and opened the front door. A glance at the clock showed 1:13 PM. I shouldn't have even been allowed to stay checked in this long. Damn, am I gonna get double-billed for this?
I heard a rummaging sound around the corner of my motel room. It sounded like a squirrel was trying to find an afternoon snack in one of the garbage bins. I stepped outside. The sun was extremely bright, to the point where I had to squint and put my hand over my eyes to even see the ground in front of me. I was trying to walk toward the van, but somehow I ended up in front of the trash bins where the animal's tail was sticking out from a turned-over, silver garbage can. Its tail was wagging excitedly, and I remember thinking that it was much too large to be a squirrel.
The animal bent down as if biting onto something, and I heard the sound of its growl as it struggled to tug whatever it was free from the barrel. Inch by inch, the creature backed out of the canister, and more of its sharp, sticky hair was revealed. I heard something snap, then the creature leapt back and I saw what it was chomping on. My eyes widened in horror as the pink tube of a human intestine was pulled taut like the end of a tangled hose. Blood and entrails were spilling out of the human's opened gut. And then, behind the canine, I saw the person's face. His face was pale white, his eyes closed, and his hair was slicked back… It was Trent.
Before I could react, I heard footsteps approaching from behind. I whirled around and saw my dad. But—no, it wasn't him. It was someone wearing a paper-mache face mask that was painted to look like my dad. The forehead of the mask was already beginning to crack, white specks breaking off like sawdust. Through the cracks, I could see the figure's true form. I didn't know darkness had its own type of light, but that's the only way to describe it. It was as if malevolence itself was reified into a skin which was actually an amalgamation of millions of little, oozing parasites that leached into the nearby light. When it finally spoke, the demon's voice was a full octave lower than the old man's at the deli. And it had an earth-stilling gravitas.
"Today's the day!" He sang and reached into his pocket. His lips curled upward into a foxy smirk. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this day." He said and held up a razor blade. Half his facade had already fallen apart, and now I could see the bugs up close, writhing in what was either horror or ecstasy. And his scent… it was somehow more rank than the rabid coyote rummaging through the trash can with Trent's cut open body inside. The demon closed in on my position, and in one, decisive motion, he brought the blade close to his chin, then sliced it across my throat. "Wake up!" He screamed.
I jumped out of my bed and grabbed my throat, feeling the cold sting of its quick slice. Hyperventilating, I patted the area down, trying to hold the blood in, but when I removed my hands, I saw they were dry. It was only a dream, I thought. Gray light was only beginning to filter in through the drapes. I'm in my hotel room. I'm safe. I tried consoling, but the pragmatic mental massages weren't enough to hold the force of my knees buckling. I dropped onto the carpet and cried for a long while.
Outside, rain was beginning to fall.
***
By the time I met up with Trent, I had already composed myself and decided to keep my dad's message and the nightmare to myself. None of it seemed particularly productive from a logistical standpoint, anyway. And I wanted to focus on the mission.
We stopped by McDonald's and bought a couple cups of coffee. Trent asked if I wanted any food, and I declined. Black coffee seemed like the only thing my stomach could take at the present moment. I could tell Trent was hungry, but he tried playing it off (I guess to be respectful of me?) I told him to knock it off and get something to eat. I didn't need my Charon getting lightheaded and dropping the paddle before he finished rowing me to Hell. He didn't care much for my joke, but he ordered a couple Chicken McGriddles at the kiosk anyway.
There were maybe ten patrons spread throughout the restaurant. We sat down at the same booth from the prior night, this time across from one another. Trent spent the first ten minutes or so babbling about our fuel supply and the logistics of the trip from here on in. Practical stuff. I've come to realize that's how he deals with his stress. He talks it out in short, durable sentences. I mostly nodded and watched as what looked like a storm front closed in on the truck stop. The sky was overcast, and there were darker clouds in the distance. The rain was still only a patter, but a middle-aged man wearing a yellow bow tie on the wall-mounted TV confirmed that there would be heavier rain and thunderstorms very soon.
After the worker delivered Trent's food and he ate it in record time, I posed the one question that was still on my mind.
"How do I fight him?" I asked.
Trent finished a large gulp of his coffee, then looked at me. It was the first substantial thing I'd said all morning; Trent could tell something was off with me, but he figured there was no point in asking what it was. "By 'him', I assume you mean the demon?"
I nodded.
Trent licked his teeth clean. "You could try praying again."
"I'm serious," I responded.
"I'm serious, too. It worked before, didn't it?"
"You mean at my house?"
Trent nodded.
"I thought you weren't a religious man?"
"I'm not. Just a practical one. If praying worked before, maybe it'll work again."
"That's the best you've got? A maybe?"
"No, I've got a lot of shit better than a maybe." He answered. "It's just not accessible where you're going. Which is why I recommend not making contact on the first run."
"First run? So we're going to do this more than once?"
"At least," Trent answered. Then, seeing my expression, he continued. "What? You thought this was going to be a one-and-done? We have to conduct some research first. I did tell you this was new for me, right?"
Somehow Trent's response had set my mind at ease a little. I was going to have more than one chance. Of course, why wouldn't I be able to go back more than once?
"Why didn't you tell me this earlier? It would have gone a long way in easing my mind."
Trent lifted his hands in defense. "Sorry, I just thought that was a given. I mean, what we're doing is dangerous, just like I said, but it doesn't mean we aren't going to approach this as safely and scientifically as possible. However, there is a different problem with running multiple trials."
"The Organization?"
"That's right," Trent said like a proud parent. "Our little experiment will be like a giant spotlight, and the longer we wait around after it's on us, the greater the chance we'll have unwelcome company."
"So, safe but speedy."
"Safe but speedy. Exactly."
***
We fueled up and were back on the road a little after 8:00. From that point on, Trent and I were absolutely silent. I had the distinct feeling of being in the eye of a storm. The pings moved closer commensurate with our progress toward the crash site. The cloudfront continued its advance. And I noticed a haze beginning to descend onto the road ahead of us. It was fog.
We meandered further inland, the forest thickening around us until the rain almost stopped entirely—the leaves drinking it up before it fell onto our windshield. I kept my eyes on the radar. We were approaching the large yellow circle which indicated we had arrived. As we pulled closer, I began to feel things. Fear. Eeriness. Doubt. Then happiness. Hope. Love. Normally feelings like these had a clear source to picture, but these sensations came on in waves without any discernible reason. It was almost as if they were blinking into existence inside me.
"Here we go," Trent said like an airline pilot readying his crew for turbulence.
I still recall the exact moment we crossed the boundary into the area of higher energy. It was like something just "clicked" in my brain, and all of a sudden everything felt so much closer. The sound of the rain against the trees was almost right next to my ear. The trees in the distance would oscillate between their position a half-mile out, then suddenly seem five meters away. If I focused on something long enough, it began to radiate those same ethereal particles as when Trent released Ava's "phase lock". I checked to make sure the shifter wasn't set to "TD". Sure enough, it was still in drive.
"Can you see them?" Trent asked. "The shifts?"
"Yeah," I said in a dreamy voice. I felt like I was driving through a wonderland.
"It's the energy. I barely notice a difference. A bit of movement in the trees, but not much else. But I'm sure for you, it's a whole experience."
"What is this?" I raised my hand and caught some of the pixel dust dripping off the sun visor. It disappeared when it made contact with my hand.
"It's a kind of radiation. Everything emits it, just in different quantities. I'm still not exactly sure how it relates to the other realms, but I'm guessing it's a kind of primordial matter that helps connect our worlds."
"It's beautiful," I exclaimed. "I wish I could see the world like this all the time."
"Maybe you will," Trent whispered.
As we arrived at the crash site, I began to get glimpses of the past. My childhood dreams and memories were pushing their way out from my subconscious. I noticed an increased number of blinks, which were validated by Ava who reported the following: "Currently detecting 14,350 novel emergences and 2,777 controlled agents. Net anomalies: 2,777."
"That's a lot of blinks." I remarked. "Why doesn't Ava include them in the net anomalies?"
Trent turned his head so I could see his smirk. "Because blinks aren't anomalies."
I thought about it for a second. Blinks aren't anomalies. "I never thought about it that way."
"It's hard to think about it that way when 'normal' for most people means not picking up on a fundamental aspect of reality. But that doesn't make it any less real."
We continued past the epicenter of the yellow circle. "Are we not stopping?" I asked. "I think we already passed the crash site."
"It doesn't have to be exactly at the site," Trent said. "Plus, we don't want to stop on the side of the road and risk getting some civilian involved. There's a field about half a mile up ahead. I'm going to pull off the road and set up camp there.
The "field" that Trent was referring to was actually a large clearing that dipped down into several trench-like troughs which were filled to the brim with fog like witches cauldrons. Further on in the distance, I saw open fields, probably used for farming, and then a large hill where the trees once again reasserted themselves. We had pulled off the road and up a small incline where the trees had already been broken down, leaving a trail for us to drive through. When we surfaced at the edge of the clearing, Trent pulled us onto a flat bed of dried mud which was maybe thirty yards long.
"Here," he said with a sigh.
We both sat for a minute, looking around at the field. We had finally arrived. The rain was beginning to pick up, and the dark sky made it almost impossible to discern the time of day.
"You ready?" Trent asked.
I looked at him. Really looked at him. In his blue eyes. Was I ready? Did it even matter?
"Let's do this," I said.
***
This was the first time I was really able to inspect the back of Trent's van. He had talked up his gear a lot, and honestly, I was impressed. Not in the way that a scientist is impressed by another scientist's lab—I wasn't any kind of expert—but it still seemed remarkably well managed. Now that I was in a state where my vision had been enhanced, I could actually see the enigmatic particles circulating through the pneumatic tubes which were coiled like the pipes and valves of an elaborate wind instrument. The walls of the van, itself, were glistening white, making it easier to make out everything else inside. Along the floor were five overturned columns. Each column was dark and had a vibrating quality, as if they were charged with energy. Then atop the center three columns was a small altar which supported an apparatus with two skinny, metal arms holding a silver halo. At present, the arms were folded and the halo was suspended a few inches above the altar, faced-down. I thought maybe I'd see particles exuding from it, but instead it was emitting visible waves which bent and warped everything they touched.
"That thing is emitting a lot of energy." I remarked, gesturing toward the halo.
Trent stepped in between the columns and started pulling out the packages he had stuffed in there yesterday. "Just wait till' it's on."
Most of the packages contained only a single piece of equipment, and were otherwise packed with foam peanuts. We carefully removed each box and set them on the ground outside. I asked if the rain would damage any of the stuff inside, to which Trent only laughed and continued lugging out the boxes. When they were all out, Trent removed a box cutter from his pocket and went one-by-one opening them. There were eight pieces in total.
"What is it?" I asked as we fished the first item out.
"It's another apparatus, like the one inside. Except it'll mount on the ground out here."
I pulled out what looked like a metal tripod.
"Good, that'll go on the bottom."
"Where are we setting it up?"
"Over here," Trent said and stepped five paces away from the van. He coordinated himself up so he was centrally aligned with the inner ring, then stomped a few times. "This is the spot."
As we continued to work, I asked Trent about how the whole contraption works.
"Do you remember the first time we were in the van? When we had to escape from the semi-truck?" Trent asked and connected a secondary mounting apparatus on top of the tripod. It had four spider-like legs that made right angles and stuck into the ground.
"Of course," I said. "The 'phase lock'."
"Yeah," Trent said and gestured toward the metal stick that was in my hand. I handed it to him. "The phase lock is a seal on the level of energy that the van is allowed to release. It also controls its dispersion pattern so that it releases its energy in a steady wave. This allows Ava to scan for anomalies without causing us to become an anomaly." Trent stuck the plank into the neck of the tripod.
"So when you released the phase lock, we started emitting more energy."
"That's right." Trent confirmed. "Enough to create an alternate route through a different realm."
"So we blinked into a different realm, then back, just to avoid that truck?"
"That's right."
"But why couldn't we just move out of the way?"
"Because it had locked onto us. It was tracking our motion and adjusting its course based on the amount of energy we were emitting. So in order to escape, we had to radically skew our potential energy and then use it to shift."
"Couldn't he have just followed us?"
Trent connected four more pieces to the device which now looked like an elaborate teepee. He was fishing in the last box when he spoke again. "Yeah, he could have. But it was highly improbable that he would have found us." Trent returned from the bottom of the box with another silver ring in hand. "Think of it like this. Let's say you're trying to escape from some bad guy who's coming after you, and you enter a new room you've never seen before. Would you prefer this room to have three doors to go through, or ten?"
I thought about his riddle for a second, then responded, "It depends where they go."
Trent fastened the ring atop the teepee. "Let's say they all lead to random places, or let's say they're all closets that lead nowhere. The key is that more is better, because the more doors he has to check, the less likely he is to pick the correct one. Make sense?"
"So we opened up a bunch of doors and escaped through one at random?"
"Hence the gear 'TD', for 'Trap Door'."
I marveled at the insights, but not for long. Trent hopped back in the van and pulled a lever that I hadn't seen until now. The two metal arms raised the inner ring until it was perpendicular with the altar. Then Trent clicked one of three red buttons along the back wall, and I saw what looked like a large, glass eye suspended in a magnifying glass protruding from the wall, aligned with the center of both rings. A couple seconds later, the glass eye began to focus the energy which was being fed to it from the pneumatic tubes, and a blue pyramid of light projected from it into the first ring, then from the first ring into the second ring. All three pieces were aligned at slightly diminishing heights, so the cylinder of light beamed through the second ring, into the ground.
"Alright, time for the first trial."
I felt the nerves starting up in my stomach. Trent sensed this and hopped out of the truck. It was raining quite hard now, though it was still warm. Both Trent and I were soaked, but that hardly concerned us. He reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. "I know you're feeling scared." He said. "But trust me on this. You're going to do fine. Just keep in mind what we talked about. Stay a spectator. Okay?"
I looked into his blue eyes, which seemed especially gray in the dark. Still, Trent's voice was reassuring. All I had to do was trust him. Trust myself. Trust my dad. And it was all going to turn out right.
"I'm ready," I said.
Trent was still for a second, holding my eyes in his. Then he guided me behind the outer ring and into the cylinder of light.
"I should step into it now?" I asked, afraid I'd be called away immediately.
"It's not on yet, so don't worry. I still have to press another button."
I followed Trent's instructions and stood in the blue light which was centered on my chest. Then I watched as Trent ran into the back of the van and posted up next to the glass eye. "Ready?" He yelled out. It was hard to hear him over the rain, but I yelled back. "Ready!"
The next thing I saw was a blinding blue light beam from the van. I heard what sounded like a laser, then saw the cylinder oscillate, expanding and compressing. When the energy reached the second ring, I saw everything around me light up—it looked brighter than noon on a cloudless day. Then the oscillations made their way to me, and I was swallowed up whole.
***
When I came to, I was in the backseat of a car. I felt my butt rumbling. Everything was dim and quiet. And then I heard a woman's voice from in front of me.
"Mark, please, not with Lauren in the back."
The man, who I now identified as my father, pulled the cigarette away from his lips and blew the smoke at my mom. He eyed the back seat where I was sitting, using one of five markers that hadn't rolled off my lap to color a rabbit in my animal color book.
"The kid's fine." he said and took another drag.
"Mark," my mom repeated.
I saw my dad raise his hand in a rapid motion. "I said she's fine, Cheryl. Now check the map and make sure we're going the right away. I can't see shit with all this fog."
I took a moment to make sure I was really in the back seat. I patted myself. I clearly had weight. Then I tried touching the car. At first, my fingertips met a solid surface, but when I tried to press through, my hand slipped into the car. I quickly pulled my hand away as if I had reached into a fire.
That's when I heard the little three year old next to me start crying. I turned and saw that little-me had dropped another couple markers onto the ground and was struggling to reach them.
"Hey!" my dad shouted. "What did I say about crying?"
"Quit it, Mark. She just dropped her markers." said my mom; she turned to help me pick them up.
"What did you say to me?" Mark spat with a voice full of guile. He reached out and pushed her back into her seat. "Don't," he commanded. "She has to learn how to deal with life."
"Deal…" My mom started in disbelief. "Deal with life? Do you hear yourself? What's gotten into you?"
"Sometimes shit happens. It doesn't give her the right to cry. You helping her is just going to reinforce her behavior."
"Her behavior? What about your behavior? You're acting like a total dick."
I didn't even have a moment to react before my dad's hand was across my mom's face. I felt the slap more than I heard it, my own face seeming to swell with the force of the blow. I saw my mom cover her mouth and lean away. Then little-me began to cry even louder, which only challenged my dad to step up his own volume.
"Everyone needs to get a fucking grip before I crash this car." My dad shouted and took another drag. The scariest part was I couldn't tell if he was warning us or threatening us. I felt the sudden urge to do something. There was no way this was real. I was definitely in some fantasy concocted by the demon. He wanted to turn me against my dad. That was the only explanation for something like this. My dad was a good man, not… this.
As I contemplated what to do, I saw a small, golden light appear behind little-me's window. Apparently she saw it, too, because her cries hushed as she traced the wisp with her eyes. After a second, the wisp transformed into a bunny rabbit, reminiscent of the one she was coloring. The rabbit hopped alongside the window, then did a couple circles in place. I watched little me let out a playful laugh and reach toward the window.
"What's going on back there?" my dad asked with a scowl. Apparently the only sound more disturbing than cries were laughs.
I looked back to the front and saw my mom wiping blood from her lip. Her expression was miserable. "Leave her alone, Mark."
"I'll do whatever I damn well want to do, Cheryl. It's my kid back there."
My mom was quiet.
When I looked back toward the rabbit, it was no longer a rabbit but a person. Or at least it looked like a person. The figure radiated pure gold, and atop his head was what appeared to be a King's crown. I recalled Allison's experience of seeing the sun-like figure in her moment of distress. Was that what was happening here? Was this really all true?
"Hey!" My dad shouted, eyeing little-me from the rear-view mirror. "What are you reaching at?"
I looked and saw the golden figure extending his hand toward the window, and little me's hand was reaching back. "Mom, dad, it bright." little-me said.
"What's bright, honey?" my mom asked.
"Don't encourage her, Cheryl."
"Someone there!" little me shouted happily and dropped the rest of the markers and the coloring book onto the ground.
"Who's there?" asked my mom.
"Cheryl, I swear to God. Sit the fuck down."
Everything from that moment on happened so quickly I barely had any time to process it. My mom lifted out of her seat to either get little me's attention or help me pick up my coloring book. My dad responded by grabbing onto her throat, letting go of the steering wheel entirely. He threw her back against the car door, and her head hit the window so hard, the glass cracked. My dad had dropped his cigarette, and I could smell smoke coming from under his seat, but that didn't seem to bother him at all. He turned toward little-me at the same moment my three-year-old hand reached out and grabbed onto the golden figure, whose hand diffused through the window. When my dad turned, I got a whiff of the most awful smell that I wouldn't have been able to place had I not had that nightmare last night. He grabbed onto little-me's shoulder and tugged her away from the golden figure that was trying to pull her the other way. My dad's facade began to crack, and I could see those dark bugs crawling out from the pores in his arms, marching down toward little-me.
I reacted.
I grabbed onto my dad's arm and pulled him off little-me. I heard the sound of my shirt ripping as she was torn from his grip and pulled out of the car, diffusing through it like a ghost. My brief victory was immediately overturned as I saw what was now clearly the demon smiling at me, his wretched fingers curled around my forearm.
"Caught you," He sneered.
Then the whole world once again diffused into countless numbers of particles, only this time, instead of riding through it, I felt like I was falling through an elevator shaft with each floor darker than the last. The further I fell, the less I became aware of my surroundings, and the more I felt a deep sense of loneliness. It was as if I was the only person in the whole world: and the whole world was a prison designed entirely for me. This went on for so long, I began to forget who I was. Where I was. What was.
And then I landed.
***
Source Used:
Jung, Carl. Synchronicity. Translated by Sonu Shamdasani, Princeton University Press, 2010.

Right now, I just want to vent me and my ex-girlfriend. She has been diagnosed with BPD and many other mental disorders have a long and troubling past. We had a year and a half long relationship after half a year in our relationship she cheated on me with another guy, she was messing around with him. She got pregnant by either me or him she doesn’t know, but she’ll tell people it was either me or him and it depends on her mood.
A while ago, she got out of the relationship and me and her family help her. She disrespected some family members and they have cut her off completely and her family has praise me for but now I see that it was really a waste of time to help her.
Recently, I went out to go see her, and when I did, she tried multiple times through my phone when she did she got mad at me for talking to another girl about a few months before her running away from the other guy that she left me for because of a piece of relationship and another guy I was a bit curious at the time of our break up And she is mad at me about things that I have done outside of our relationship which very much confuses
I helped her out with almost $5000 and I’ve been asking her to get that money back. She’s telling me that I did it out as my heart and I said yeah but you said you were gonna pay me back and she said no I did. I never said that what she did on social media she has been asking me for money. I said money I’m not you giving you more money if you already owe me and she gets mad and starts blocking me again about a month ago I had to change my phone number
so I can get into contact with her so she can pay me back the money she owes me she kept on talking about how she was a victim in our relationship, but she was gaslighting me, manipulating me trying to control who I can and can’t talk to who I can and can’t follow, but she followed a guy that wanted to be in a relationship with her her exes and was flirting with people behind my backand she’s telling me that she’s victim our relationship
Then out of the blue two guys pop up and I hear them on the phone and they’re calling me a stalker they’re calling me harass her. They call me a weirdo. I’m telling them that I just want my money back and they’re telling me that that’s a problem that’s my own personal problem and I don’t need to go For the money she owes me for helping her and then I clarified some situations because they were like oh you’re harassing her. I said she unblocked me a while ago
They said oh she’s a nice person. Why are you harassing her? I said she cheated on me. Oh it was probably like a one night stand and I clarified no she was with the guy for four months and got pregnant by him or me well, you probably did something And I told them one time she lied to the police and sent me to jail. Oh you did something to her for her to do and like you can sit here and tell the cops and they’re trying to FaceTime me see what I look like a weirdo or something like that which insult me and embarrasses me because he’s two people are in a conversation about something they don’t even know about
Can I talk to my ex because she owes me money and I want my money back they hung up the phone on me and they blocked me later to help her now she’s blowing up my phone and mad at me a lawyer and she can possibly go to jail for not paying me And she has a warrant for her arrest because she stole a car running away from the that she left me for
So right now I’m just venting because I’m tired of my ex delusions that she has done nothing wrong in our relationship that she is the complete and utter victim and that only person that was doing wrong with me after she cheated she gaslight me. She lied on me and she tried to control where I went and also asked for my location And I asked for hers and she said I shouldn’t be giving it out to you because you’ll just try to manipulate me and try to stop me from hanging out with my friends when she didn’t have any friends, and the only people she had was guys wanna have sex with her.

~Gun Mage Episode 2: A Frosty Reception~
~Planet: Azuria~
I already knew what it was when I got here, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still annoying. Before the I’d left, I took the book with me, adorned my power armor, projectile resistant mask, and the robe of the magus hunter core. I took Hunter and boarded my ship for a four-hour flight down south, making it to the country of Bastion. It took me another thirty minutes to get to Slade City proper and land.
I’d found a decent place to stay for the night, but when I woke up in the morning to start poking around the city, it was just as I thought, no one wanted to talk to me. Of course, it didn’t help that I was in a set of purple power armor, a gold mask, and black robes with an intimidating cowl. No doubt I came across as the magic boogey man, but hell, I still had a job to do and I was going to see this through.
I’d spent the better part of a day asking different people on the streets if there were any strange sightings, but surprise, surprise, no one saw anything. Finally, after searching in the fourth district I found an officer, who finally gave me a little bit of her time. Well, it helps that she happened to be pinned down by a couple of thugs and I’d come to her aid.
You see I happened to be walking down a particularly seedy part of the Fourth District when I heard gunfire coming from a particularly grungy alley. Normally it’s against my principles to head towards gunfire, but considering I needed information then perhaps this was my chance. There was a single dumpster and three guys were laughing while standing in the open, shooting a few low caliber guns at an officer who was standing against a brick wall. There was blood dripping from her right hand and her gun was on the cracked concrete.
“Dance for us cop, maybe we’ll let you live.” One joked, while another took a shot after a swig of what I could only guess was a fowl smelling beer, “You’ve got no gun, you’ve got no friends, all you got is us baby!” They all laughed and I was officially over it.
“Bolt shot.” I held up Hunter as my revolver charged with electric energy. I took aim and fired, but it wasn’t a bullet that left the gun, rather a bolt of lightning that struck the first man, causing him to scream spasm, and fall to the ground. The other three squealed in surprise, “A mage, what are they doing in,” a second one began, but before he could finish, I shot a second round that caught him in the chest. Like the first he came crashing to the ground and it seemed the others were spurred to act as a result.
They began firing, but each shot bounced off my armor like they were throwing stones at me. I pulled my best interpretation of a maniacal villain, giving them my best evil laugh, “Fools, now I will experiment on your rotted corpses!” They screamed, but it wasn’t long before I shot the other two and disabled them before they could attract any other attention. The cop ran, dove, and picked up her gun to aim it at me.
Really, I just saved her and she aimed a pistol at me, well I guess I did act like a crazy cultist back there. So, I tried to be reasonable and put my gun away and held my hands up, “Sorry it was just an act, I was having a little fun at their expense.”
She kept the gun raised, despite the fact that she knew it wouldn’t even damage my armor. I rolled my eyes, “Look uh,”
“Sarisa.”
“Sarisa, you’ve got four disabled thugs, you’re still alive, and I put my gun away, so I can’t be that bad.”
“I’m sorry, I just got shot, a bunch of weirdos cornered me, and now a mage comes out shouting about how he’s going to experiment on their corpses.” She began and I thought that maybe poking fun at those thugs was a bad idea. She reached for a few zipties in her pack and bound the four. I kept my distance, though she was struggling to get them on with one hand. As she came to the third thug she looked up, “That wasn’t funny by the way.”
“I thought was.”
“It’s not especially when the Third District has gone through hell over the past few days.” She moved on to the final thug and wrapped him up before returning her attention to me, “Weird stuff like zombie attacks, people being bitten and the like.”
Finally, I was getting somewhere as this was the first lead I had, “These zombie attacks, was there anything off about them.”
“You mean aside from them being dead?”
“Well yeah, did they move as units, act in a manner that might be atypical.”
“Look man where I’m from the dead stay dead, I doubt the officers had time to analyze them for the subtleties you’re asking about.” She finished. Before she could start hauling them back to her car I asked, “One more thing, would you happen to know if there were other magic users involved?”
“Well, no, but Third District has its own local vigilante if that’s what you want. I’m not sure whether they can use magic or not, but he might have been the reason that the officers escaped.” I thanked her and helped her get the four criminals into the back of her squad hover-car.
She offered to ride me to the Third Precinct where I hoped to find answers. As I got out, I wished her farewell and headed towards the squat brick building, where two Trevaxi guards stood. Trevaxi were natives of Azuria just like humans, Sansarians, Nymeans, and Tarak, but they were a bit hardier than the rest of us. They were humanoid shaped gems with glowing eyes of different colors. The two in front of me happened to be emerald colored, each stood ready to gun me down with shotguns.
I nodded at them as I tried to walk into the station, but the on the left stopped me, “What’s your business mage?” He said in a commanding voice. I backed up a little, “I’m here to look into some strange,”
“We don’t need your assistance, now head back to your academy and stay there.” Well, as expected as that response was, I couldn’t turn back.
“Look my man, I need to speak with your chief, because there may be several magic users involved and I’m not sure,”
“You aren’t sure, you mages never are, now get lost before I throw you into the streets.” I looked back and the streets were crowded, no one particularly paid us any mind. This was not the sort of treatment that the station wanted on its record, but who would believe a gutless mage over a veteran officer?
I had to get in and this guy wasn’t going to stop me, “Look, I’m after this magic user because,”
“I don’t care.” I was starting to get pissed. Now, I wasn’t stupid enough to pull Hunter out, but instead lowered my shoulder and charged towards the door. It was stupid, I wasn’t going to get far, but hell I had to try something. Luckily, I took the Trevaxi by surprise and burst through the doors.
To be fair it was a nice office, the desk seemed nice and orderly, but I couldn’t quite get past all the officers with drawn pistols and laser pistols aimed my way. I quickly held my hands up to thwart any ideas of shooting me, but I got the feeling I was pushing it, maybe just a little. A very serious looking woman with a scar on her right eye walked forward, “You’ve got about ten seconds to tell me what you’re here for.”
“I was here looking for two individuals a vigilante and a necromancer, but your men here wouldn’t let me enter peaceably.” She turned to the two officers and gave them a stern look. I’m glad they couldn’t see my face because I was smiling at their misfortune; couldn’t be me. “Look I’m not trying to get in the way or start any trouble but,”
The woman held up her hand to stop me, “Listen, I know you mean well, but we don’t really trust mages, hell half the reason we’re in this mess is because of strange magic.” I sighed, knowing I wasn’t going to get much more in the way of information here. What I didn’t know is that there was another officer there who was paying attention to our conversation.
“While I’m sorry that my boys caused you trouble, I can’t exactly put you on the case with my officers. Your presence here will only cause a greater distraction from the mass of work we already have. Boys if you’ll escort him out.” Before the Trevaxi officers could take me out, a blue scaled Tarak walked towards us, “Hey boss I’ll take care of our mage friend here, I’ll even take him far away from the station.” This seemed to agree with the sergeant, so the officer took me out to his patrol car.
I got in and he started the hover-car then we set off into the mean streets of Slade City. The city was a lot larger than I remembered it being, repulsor roads arced throughout the city as neon lights and signs tried to grab our attention. Traffic was heavy, but this didn’t seem to bother the officer at all. After waiting for a few minutes till we came to an overcrowded part of the city, the officer introduced himself, “I’m Shos, Shos Vozza. You’ll have to excuse my colleagues, but we really have had our hands full.”
“I’m Jaden Blackthorn and to be quite frank I kind of expected that. Why don’t you tell me about this problem you all have?” I asked, but the officer held up a finger, “Look I couldn’t ask for your help with this case without at least letting me treat you to some food at a nice café here in town.” Well, this was a shock, an officer in Slade City that wasn’t jerk. We came around to a parking lot then landed then headed into the bottom floor of a large skyscraper that served as the headquarters for the Magia Technica one of the largest magical tech companies in the country. At the bottom, however, was a café with a classic wood finish and a few baristas running about in aprons.
I sat down with Shos and the two of us pulled up a holo-menu and ordered drinks and I ordered a blueberry muffin. We sat and ate for a few moments before I finally asked, “So, about this necromancer?”
He sighed, “We don’t know much, he’s worked in the shadows for so long, with the occasional zombie attack here and there, but nothing to catch him though. I’ve been working with a vigilante who calls himself the Shadow. He’s a mage just like you, though a bit less refined since he doesn’t have the same experience.”
“Then he may need help to bring down the necromancer. Is there any way we can get in contact with Shadow?”
“Of course, he’s actually a friend of mine, but I’m sure if the rest of the force found out I was working with a vigilante, then I’d lose my job.” He responded. I wanted to assure him that since he was working with a registered mage, he wouldn’t lose his job, but seeing how quickly they wanted me out, I’m sure that wouldn’t be true either. Shos gave me a pointed look, “I need two things from you if we’re to meet Shadow.”
“Name them.”
“The first, obviously, is that you keep my involvement with the vigilante a secret. The second is that you treat Shadow well. He’s not a bad guy, and he tries to do good with the magic that he was given. I know you’re a mage hunter so I think it goes without saying that the academy wants him put away.”
I stopped and thought about what he was saying for a minute. Most mage hunters were killers, but that was not all there was to our job. We were always meant to bring in mages alive to help them get their powers under control, so that they could contribute to society. I leaned back after eating a bite of my muffin before addressing his concern, “Look, I’m actually here to find a guy name Zerik Shin, a mage that specializes in the School of the Unseen.” This seemed to take the cop aback, so the Shadow and Zerik might be one and the same, “A colleague of mine, Dr. Isabela Silva, wanted me to bring him to Arxor Academy so that we could teach him there. This necromancer and vigilante kind of gave me the first leads to this guy’s whereabouts.”
“So, you’re a friend of Dr. Silva,” He laughed, “Man, I wish you’d opened with that.” This girl got around, didn’t she? I guess mages with the ability to heal were always in high demand and Izzy was one of the best. Shos seemed to relax a bit more, “Listen, I’m supposed to meet with the Shadow in a few hours. How about I drop you off, wherever you’re staying so you can make preparations and I’ll do the same. I’ll pick you up so we can go give him some backup.”
“I’d like that.” We shook hands then got up to leave the café. He drove me to the hotel I was staying, where I began to make preparations for the long night ahead of us.

Hi, I’m pretty new to manifestation and am looking to attract a specific person who is a few years older than me (I am seventèen and she is 20). This age difference is fully legal in my country. Recently I’ve been affirming however my insecurities around the age difference have been projecting back as she has been talking about how young I am constantly. Is this due to my insecurity during the manifestation process? I am wavering switching between my affirmations of ‘she feels a magnetic pull to talk to me’ and ‘… has always been in love with me’ with thoughts of doubt such as ‘oh she might like me but will never be able to be with me as the age difference will freak her out’. How can I prevent this wavering? And is her constant mentioning of our age difference a sign my original manifestation isn’t working or a sign that I am manifesting her resistance? Is it possible theirs movement even if I don’t see it? I really know we are ment to be together however my doubts keep limiting my experience. I am very mature for my age- I have more things in common with those who are older than me.

Im (50m) a stay at home dad. Before we had kids I worked in IT and made decent money. Then my wife got a job opportunity in another country. I quit, we moved and i used the opportunity to do something else, and started my own online business. Then we decided to have kids and I stayed at home with the baby, while also managing the business at night, after wife got home. We ended up having 2 kids. Business went bankrupt during the pandemic and since then I’m exclusively a SAHD.
My kids are 13 and 9.
In the country where I live, it’s very common for an expats spouse be a stay at home as the salary of the spouse who got the jobs be enough for the family. But in all cases I know, I’m the only man who became the stay at home, all other cases it was the woman who followed the husband due to his job.
During this journey, I heard lot of things.
Here are actual things I heard (and my answers)

• wow your living the dream, fucking around the whole day while your wife works and pays the bills.

Yes I’m living the dream, but I’m not fucking around. Taking care of the kids is actual work, and a damn hard one. And A very important one too: you’re raising the future.

• who wears the pants in your house huh? Does your wife allow you to go outside? Do you ask her permissie?

My wife is not my owner or boss. My wife is my partner. Me and my wife are a team, each one doing their part for the the family. I’m not less (or more) of a man because I happen to not conform to your gender stereotype

• you don’t know what you’re doing, a man can’t take proper care of q child (not actually said on this words, but countless women expressing this on several ways to me)

No one is born knowing how to take care of a child. Everyone has to learn. Women learn. Men learn too. I learned, just like everyone else, woman or man, does. And I know better than you how to take care of MY kids, thank you very much.

• oh, it’s okay, you’re one of the moms too (said by another mom during a parents meeting were I was the only man present)

No, ma’am, I’m a parent too. But I’m a dad not a mom. Thank you for trying to make feel welcome, tho.

• aw you’re so great! It’s wonderful you help your wife so much.

I don’t help my wife. I raise my kids (as she does too btw).

• it’s fantastic what you do!

If you mean that dedicating my time to raise my kids full time is fantastic, thank you. It’s a very hard job, and I’m proud of doing it. But I hope you say that to women who do the same too.

my husband (29m) and i (25f) have been together 8 years and married for 3. he has 2 younger sisters (K22 & R19). for some context: when my husband was born, his mom & dad weren’t together but got back together when he was 5. he was raised differently than his sisters with that age gap. when his sisters were preteens & my husband was basically an adult, his dad started to make a lot of money. his sister grew up very spoiled. they got/get everything they want. they drive luxury cars, get gifted luxury bags & clothing for bdays & christmas. disney trips every summer & other trips for xmas break. not saying it’s a bad thing but just stating what it is.
they are also the favorites. in his parents house, the walls are covered in pictures of the girls and none of my husband. anything we do is based around the girls, especially R. she’s the baby of the family and most decisions revolve around her. R is also incredibly mean and nasty to people. the shit i’ve heard her say to her mom and dad are insane and would’ve gotten me laid out on the floor. again, just stating how things are.
okay so my husband and i did not go to college. we both went for a semester and dropped out. just wasn’t for us. we would much rather work. his mom & dad also did not go to college. his dad was a director of operations at an LLC that owned a chain restaurant which is where my husband and i met. he ended up quitting and me, my husband, and his dad put our money together and started an LLC and became franchisees for a pizza company where we own 4 restaurants in texas.
both K & R are/went to college. their dad pays for their college, apartment rent, anything they do/where they go. during summer breaks, they’re back at home or still in their apartments. they don’t get jobs or anything.
for my family life, i haven’t talked to my parents in 15 years due to them being addicts & abusing me physically/sexually throughout my childhood. the only family in my life are my grandparents.
OKAY SO sorry that was really long but just trying to set up the family dynamic. now here’s the story.
his sisters and i had some drama 6 years ago stemming from them being really fucking rude to me all the time. like not just teasing how siblings do but i mean calling me fat, ugly, saying i was boring or whatever. on my 21st bday, i spent it with my husbands fam and R told me it was embarrassing bc i wasn’t even really their family. to be fair, i was trying too hard to get close with them and needed to go to therapy for my own family issues.
K & i reconciled from that drama and are cool. we don’t hang out or anything but we talk frequently and can have fun together. R on the other hand still holds some resentment towards me. it doesn’t bother me too much bc whatever i can’t force her to like me but she’ll give me little digs every now and then.
but this past weekend, my husband and i went over to his parents house for an early fathers day lunch. it was only R there since K is out of town so it’s already awkward. R already starts saying how my husband is being annoying. whatever it’s typical R. well, my husband, me, and his mom start giving his dad a hard time about something. we’re just joking around but his dad gets upset and goes outside and slams the door. he gets annoyed like this and then gets over it and it’s no issue. like the entire family thing is constantly teasing and messing with each other (within reason). someone always gets upset and then gets over it. (also a few minutes later his dad came back in laughing and saying something to my husband) but after this, R goes to where my husband and i are sitting and says “you guys are losers. go to college and get a degree instead of working at a gross restaurant. i have a 4.0 and i’m going to be a dentist and you both are still going to be gross restaurant workers. you’re literally losers.”
her mom is standing behind her the entire time and says nothing for a few moments and then says “family dinners are always so fun.” i just rolled my eyes and laughed bc i didn’t really know what else to say. the rest of lunch was uncomfortable. after my husband and i went home i laid in bed for the rest of the day as it really started to dawn on me how hurt i was. not only for myself but also for my husband.
the next day i told my husband i didn’t want to interact with his sister anymore. he agreed and said she crossed the line and she needs to mature and get more life experience.
im glad we’re on the same page but i also am worried about how it’s going to effect my relationship with the rest of the family. i love his mom and dad, and K. but i just don’t see how we’re all able to coexist in this dynamic with R being how she is.
for anybody that’s going to say “you’re just jealous and wished your parents paid for your stuff blah blah blah” uh fuck yeah?? i wish i didn’t have to work my ass off and was given luxury cars at 16. i feel like that’s obvious lmao.
TLDR my husbands youngest sister said hurtful shit to us and now i want to cut off contact with her.

We had a 9 foot sugar maple planted in mid-March (Columbus, OH). At first, all the leaves grew in beautifully but since mid-May they’re feeling dry, turning a little yellow, some are crisping (pic 2).
Did some reading on here about something that concerned me when it was planted: too deep. So I excavated about 4 inches deep, 6 feet in circumference (a ton of soil). I found that part of the ball still has some burlap sack and thick wire that held the several hundred pound ball in place, and I found this black plastic strip (pic 5). I laid in some compost and topsoil. Been watering regularly in addition to frequent rain.
The excavation and other care hasn’t helped, so I dug about 3 inches further by the root flare to expose it (pic 3). Now I’m not sure how to proceed.
Do I need to dig out more of the circumference of the tree in addition to this so there isn’t a bowl?
How big of a problem (low, medium, high) are: - some burlap remaining - some wire cage remaining - clay around the root flare/ball - all the disturbances I’ve caused trying to save this thing
What are these two woodlike pipes (pic 4), and should they be removed?
What else can I do to try to save this tree?
Thank you in advance for any guidance. I want to not only save this tree but ensure it thrives and grows to its fullest potential!

So, I’ve been doing OF for 2 weeks now so I’m completely new to the game, however this 2 weeks I already gather 43 paying subs and made $600 so far. The thing is I personally took the choice of promoting on my personal IG I’ve had since I was 16 so it was easier to get everyone’s attention, I had an ok amount of followers (around 8000-9000) and years ago they were super engaging with my content, many likes and comments, but seems like a couple of years ago I stopped getting new subs, and now in loosing an insanely amount of followers (currently at 7800) but that’s not even the worst part, they won’t interact with me. I receive so few likes and almost no comments, feels like I barely have 100 active followers. I kinda get it tho, since the pandemic I pulled a lot of weight and stopped being the thin sexy goth girl and now I’m thicc, I also feel like my posts are boring and repetitive and now I’m promoting like crazy on IG so I guess that was such a rebranding por my old followers. So I do need advice. I already figured that they will keep unfollowing since in not the same gal I was back on 2018 and that’s ok, but how do I get new subs tho? Hashtags don’t work as they used to, reels barely get any views. I make questions on my posts and literally no one engages and I post stories like 3-5 times a day. Any advice is welcome! Also this is literally my first post on Reddit since I also know this is a great site to gain followers so advice in here is also welcome lol. Oh I also forgot to add that I’ve already created a back up account and started to post there to check and see if I get new fresh people, so let’s see how it goes.

I have posted a few times on this subreddit, mainly going back and forth between emotions. I am absolutely exhausted. I was listening to a podcast today and heard a bit about how their trickle truths take us out of the healing phase and back to crisis mode. That is so true for me. I am so tired of getting half ass answers. I keep finding more and more evidence of consistent betrayal. And knowing that it only gets worse and will escalate (if it hasn’t already) to serial cheating just makes things that much scarier. I feel like my life is flashing before my eyes.
Today he finally admitted he used on June 3 using his Xbox and it took days of me begging for honesty. I just wanted to know how many days clean he was and I could not get a straight answer. He gets so defensive and angry and keeps saying how this is dragging on. But that’s because the betrayal has dragged on. He does not stop hurting me. I’ve taken off my engagement ring and I’m trying so hard to study for my first law exam but my nervous system is a wreck. He had the nerve to tell me that he “did a lot for me today”. I asked what he did and he said he gave me the date and the manner in which he last accessed. Oh and he finished the couples counselling assessment that I finished days ago.
I am not okay in the least bit. I wish I never met him. Now he keeps begging for things to return to normal but yet he hasn’t stopped his behaviour. We are trying couples counselling but I know in my heart it will not work. He is not willing to put in the work. I see him scrolling all day on instagram but he is incapable of finding resources to help him with his issues. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know how much more I can take before I break. I have my own recovery to worry about and right now I’m feeling responsible for his. Recovery that he doesn’t even want.
I know what the answers are but it is so hard to stand on my own two feet. The physical manifestation of the pain is literally choking me and I can’t stop throwing up. What I know is destroying me and what I don’t know is eating me alive. I feel like my world is on fire but I don’t even have the pleasure of burning with it. I have spent so much time, money and effort into making our home so picture perfect and now I look around and it’s just a reminder of betrayal. I’ve isolated from my family because I can’t bare to explain I am not engaged anymore. I’m hiding behind my studying for now but come Wednesday I can’t hide anymore.
I want so badly to believe that somehow this is salvageable but I’m literally carrying the weight for the both of us. I know it’s just a ring but his proposal made this so much more hurtful because he used the engagement to justify never hurting me again “I wouldn’t do that to my fiancée”. I think I’m beyond hysterical bonding because sex made me feel so disgusting about myself. I know it’s not me but it feels so personal.
All that said can someone please share some tips to calm my nervous system so that I can pull through this exam. I’ve got one more day to study and can’t pull myself together. This problem is consuming me.

You are NOT ready for this.
Enjoy~
IMPORTANT: When copying and pasting my scripts from Google Docs to Reddit, all of the italics in the scripts vanish, which means that a lot of words lose their intended emphasis. Due to this, I highly encourage you to read the script on the original document, which can be found at the end of this post! Thank you!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Context
Whilst melancholic tensions brew between Caspian and the human, far away, in the grass, there lies the remnants of an unfortunate affair. With clotted blood upon his brow, and a bullet lodged within his brain, Elias claws through the dirt and dew to escape the rising of the morning sun. He continues to drag his weakened body through the muck, cursing the outcast and everything he stands for, until, suddenly… he hears a voice. A cruel voice, a loving voice, a voice of authority and allure. The voice… of a master.
BEGIN
[The scene opens with the gentle chirping of the morning birds, alongside the staggered breaths of Elias, who is dragging himself across the ground. He claws into the dirt, attempting to pull his body towards the shade of the trees. He speaks in an irritated tone.]
[E] “That halfwit. That… That-”
[A slither of sunlight catches his leg, causing him to recoil slightly. He hisses under his breath.]
“Bastard. Why must the sun rise so hurriedly? I must retreat- I need shade.”
[There’s a small pause as he continues to drag himself across the ground.]
“That dreaded outcast… How is an embarrassment like him able to nurture such strange and useless bonds? The gunman and that beloved fishmonger of his- it’s… it’s absurd. I don’t understand.”
[A brief pause.]
“Please, Master… remain faithful, for I shall ensure that the outcast is dealt with promptly. I’ll string him up and watch with glee as he squirms and chokes, I’ll dismember him for your enjoyment, I-”
[Suddenly, a deep and commanding voice interrupts him from among the trees. Elias stops and looks around in surprise, trying to pinpoint the direction of the voice.]
[???] “Selfish fool. The words you speak are of your own fantasies, not mine.”
[E] “That voice. It cannot be.”
[???] “You test my faith, Elias Acker, for all that I have witnessed from your reckless behaviour is failure. Caspian is not the object of my interest… the human is. You are losing sight of this.”
[E] “I’m not, I swear it! Your wishes are all that I care for-”
[???] “Silence! Do not feed me such lies.”
[A dark figure emerges from between the trees and slowly approaches Elias.]
[E] “M-Master! Please, I do not wish to lie to you. I wouldn’t dream of it.”
[M] “Quit your begging. It’s repulsive.”
[The Master stops in front of Elias, who remains on the ground. Elias cranes his neck up weakly to look at his Master.]
“I gave you a task. A simple one, at that. Your job was, and still is, to retrieve the human and bring them to the Abbey, and I have yet to see the human pass through my doors. I am right to believe that you are aware of how… unsatisfactory this is, yes?”
[E] “Of course! Yes, I know perfectly well how disappointing the fruits of my labour have been so far, but-”
[The Master lets out a short and amused laugh at Elias.]
[M] “Fruits… itane est?”
[E] “Quidem est. I believe I have made progress.”
[M] “What sort of progress, pray tell?”
[E] “Hitch and that little friend of his are vulnerable. They lack the strength to fight back-”
[M] “And yet here you lie with a bullet in your head.”
[Elias falls silent.]
“Rise, my child.”
[There’s a small pause as Elias staggers up. Once he stands up, the Master reaches towards and holds the side of his head, inspecting the bullet wound.]
“Hmm. I must say, the human that shot you did a remarkable job. We may have a hunter on our hands.”
[E] “I doubt it. A real hunter would’ve sawed my head off.”
[M] “Indeed. Though, he still aimed for your head regardless. ‘Tis a killer's instinct, a hunter’s reflex. He may cause us some trouble.”
[E] “Like I said, I doubt i-”
[Before he can finish his sentence, the Master slips his fingers into Elias' bullet wound. The wound makes squishing sounds as he feels for the bullet. Elias represses a grunt as he does so.]
[M] “Calm yourself and stay still. If I am to perform one kind act today, it shall be to remove this bullet. If your body heals over it, it will surely become a nuisance. I want my children to be healthy, not irritated.”
…
“I would also prefer it if my children were to cease their useless fixations on those who do not serve us anymore.”
[E] “But he’s insane! You cannot reject what is innate!”
[After he speaks, the Master pulls the bullet out of Elias' head. He twiddles it between his fingers and chuckles as Elias hisses under his breath from the pain.]
[M] “I understand your irritation, but I’m afraid the outcast has made his decision. Although, I must say, these nights I see a guilt-ridden gleam about his eyes. He’s struggling, but how long will he continue to do so? That is the question.”
[Elias gently holds his hand over the bullet wound, wincing slightly from the pain.]
[E] “It’s not long now, my Master. He’s a beaten mutt who knows that his end is creeping upon the horizon. If I could just wring his neck once again, I assure you, I would put an end to his miserable life once and for a-”
[Without warning, the Master strikes Elias’ cheek with his hand. He falls silent, as the Master criticises him.]
[M] “Enough. What a weak minded fool you are. Once again, you devote your focus to the outcast, and not the human. If you continue to act like this, I will not hesitate to withdraw you from your duties and throw you to the sunlight. Do I make myself clear?”
[A brief pause passes. The Master glares at Elias.]
“Elias-?”
[E] “Yes, Master.”
[M] “Good.”
[E] “Although… May I ask a question?”
[The Master thinks for a second, his eyes still glaring down at Elias.]
[M] “You may.”
[E] “...What purpose does the human serve? Surely they are not needed for your Great Plan?”
[The Master chuckles sinisterly.]
[M] “No, no, they are not. My plan is coming along quite nicely without them.”
[E] “It is?”
[M] “Indeed. The Demeter will make port at Whitby in only three nights, and from there we shall travel down to London and claim our right to national dominance. You and the rest of my children shall soon thrive off of this land, and take your pick of the cattle that run rife within these filthy towns and cities.”
…
“It will all be ours, as I had promised.”
[E] “Then… Pray tell, why do you need the human?”
[A brief pause passes as the Master thinks. He takes a step towards the trees and beckons Elias with his hand.]
[M] “Walk with me.”
[Elias obeys and walks alongside the Master into the woodland.]
“Do you remember, many moons go, when a new family had taken claim of the old house by the harbour?”
[E] “I-I apologise, I don’t believe I do.”
[M] “Well, tension began to rise between the two of us. For, you see, this family had made plans to renovate the Abbey, and, as you can obviously assume, this little goal of theirs was completely out of the question.”
…
“I posed as the Abbey’s priest, and took it upon myself to ensure that these dirty fisher folk stayed put at the harbour, where they belonged. But, alas, they challenged me. They stated that a distant relative of theirs passed the Abbey down to them through inheritance, but I hardly believed it. A poor fishing family, gifted an Abbey out of pure relation?”
[He chuckles.]
“‘Twas positively absurd. They continued their verbal onslaught for many days and nights, squabbling about their right of ownership, until, finally, I had lost my patience.”
[E] “What did you do?”
[The Master stops walking, and so does Elias. The Master turns to face him.]
[M] “I killed them. Sucked them dry until they were nothing but piles of pruned, rotting flesh. Usually, I would be pleased about this, if it was not for the one human who managed to escape my grasp.”
[Elias mumbles to himself, realising who exactly that human is.]
[E] “Hitch’s new friend…”
[M] “This is no fixation, my child. Nor an obsession. ‘Tis simply a desire to finish what I had started long ago, to complete my delectable collection. If the human remains alive, then the fate of the Abbey may fall out of our hands.”
[E] “Surely that isn’t possible?”
[M] “I have witnessed it all. I have watched peasants wear crowns, and kings slumbering in the muck. The human must be slain, and I shall do the honours. I want that human to be bound to my altar and given up to my greed-ridden fangs, I want to smell the blood coursing through their veins, and I want most of all for their influence over my children to be put to an end.”
[E] “Hitch failed to prove his loyalty to us, and yet you still address him as one of your children? Why?”
[M] “It is true that he has become disloyal, and, I admit, his repression of my gaze is rather admirable, but he is a child of the night, regardless. He shares the same primitive desires as you and I, only he exercises control over his urges. He may pretend to be human, yes, but he knows just as well as us that he is a monster, through and through.”
…
“But I digress. The only being who we are concerned with, at this very moment, is the human, and the human alone. Do you understand?”
[E] “Yes, Master.”
[M] “Good. Consider yourself lucky. I do not spare this much faith for someone of the likes of you. Allowing you to see me is a privilege in itself, my child, and it would be quite irksome if one were to… betray my trust.”
[E] “I would never. Not even in my wildest dreams would I consider doing such a thing. I am, and will forever be, your most ardent servant.”
[Elias takes a bow, and a brief pause follows. The Master smiles to himself.]
[M] “Your obedience is pleasing, but it will take more than words to satisfy me.”
…
“Bring the human to the Abbey doors, and only then shall they open for you. Do not return empty-handed. Understood?”
[E] “Yes, Master, of course-”
[Rising from his bow, Elias realises that the Master has vanished.]
“He’s gone.”
[A brief pause. He lets out an irritated sigh and begins walking again, mumbling under his breath as he does so.]
“Curse you, Hitch. Curse. You.”
[After a short while of walking, the distant voices of Abraham and Elissia can be heard approaching.]
[A] “I shot him up, I did. Aimed for his cranium and let my bullets ring! I tell ya, doctor, you just had to be there.”
[DE] “I did not, thank you. Your… graphic retelling is more than enough.”
[Elias stops walking, realising who the voice belongs to.]
[E] “The gunman…”
[He hides behind a tree as Abraham and Elissia continue their conversation. Their voices become gradually louder.]
[A] “Graphic? I thought you were a lady of science? You doctors always have yer elbows down deep in guts and blood.”
[DE] “Well-”
[She takes on a hushed tone, like she doesn’t want anyone else to hear her.]
“Well, yes, we do…”
[Her voice returns to normal.]
“But don’t go blabbering about those details out in the open. Have you read the papers? Don’t you know that there’s still a stigma against doctors?”
[A] “Aye, I do. But no one can hear us here.”
[DE] “... I suppose you're right. Although, if there’s one thing I know for certain, it is that something is always waiting around the corner. Take my students, for example. When acquiring their cadavers for our practicals, they are, more often than not, caught by a policeman prowling in the back alleys. Things may seem easy, but, in reality, you have already failed. That is why I am so cautious, vampire hunter. Unlike you.”
[They pass Elias, who continues to keep his eyes on Abraham.]
[A] “Hey, don’t go yapping on about that stuff. There’s a stigma, ya know.”
[Realising what she had done, Elissia gasps and covers her mouth. Abraham lets out a short laugh.]
“Need not worry, doc. It’s still early hours, which means we’re alone.”
[DE] “Are you certain?”
[A] “Absolutely-”
[Abraham stops walking as he notices something… strange. Elissia takes a couple more steps before stopping and turning to face him.]
[DE] “Hm? What’s the matter?”
[A] “Uhm… Nothing. Yeah, nothing.”
[DE] “Well, let's continue then, shall we? We have lots to discuss.”
[A] “... Right.”
[Elissia continues walking, meanwhile Abraham remains still, staring at a patch of dried blood on the grass. He mumbles to himself.]
[A] “That blood… I-I shot him, but… where’s the body?”
[Elissia calls out to him.]
[DE] “Are you following, Abraham?”
[He begins to walk away, still mumbling to himself.]
[A] “Must be body snatchers.”
[He calls out to Elissia.]
“Right behind ya, doc.”
[A small pause passes as their walking grows more and more distant, leaving Elias by himself.]
[E] “Watch your back, hunter. One never knows what is lurking around the corner.”
[He chuckles. The morning ambience fades to silence.]
END
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Latin Translations:
“itane est?” = Roughly translates to “is that so?”. It is used to indicate surprise and/or request new information.
“Quidem est” = Roughly translates to “Indeed it is”.
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I’m a kitchen designer (23F) and my co-desginer (24M). I have been working for Home Depot for 4 years now and been a designer for 1 almost 2 in December, while my co-designer has been there for two years now. At first everything was well and we got along just fine ( we still do) But ever since I started there he would always make me feel less than him… I would somewhat understand because I was just a beginner and he has had more education and hands on to the design program… Time came around when I was starting to actually take customer and design for them and he would butt in and make comments like” I’ve been a designer longer than her and I’m just checking to see if everything is going well” even though to this point I was already pretty much not new and knew what I was doing for the most part, like I needed clarification I would ask him ofc. I told my DS about these comments and how they made me feel like he is trying to make the customer question working with me and going to work with him. Ever since then it has been rocky… There was an incident after that where he said that “ customers like working with him better” he said that some of my customers have mentioned this to him… I have sold many kitchen installs compared to him and I’m way ahead of him in sales. Just today I get in to work after my days off and he told me that one of my customers whom I already made a design for came in and wanted to make changes to the design because they aren’t going to be in town for a minute so they wanted to this before they left, so I understand but they are my customers and I been a designer for quite some time and he decided to go ahead and go into my design and make those changes for the customer, when he could have just told them to email me those changes or write them down and when I get in I could have made them… It just annoys me how even know he tries to do this type of thing making me feel less and I don’t even know what he talked to about with my customers yk? Because when customers come in for him and wanting to do changes. I turn them away or take a message of the changes that need to be made and let them know that he will contact them as soon as he has made them.
I’m just feed up with this whole situation, I really love what I do and I enjoy designing for customers but he makes it dreadful and makes me want to switch to a different department because nothing changes even if I tell management.
Sorry for my rant I’m just really upset 😢

Hi. I’m S and my boyfriend C have been together for a couple months.
Before me and C got together he was nice and didn’t harass my friends in front of me. But now that the school year is ending soon he’s been ‘joking’ around with them while being rude. For example: “Oh — he wants to f you” or “are you gay for —-“
I think it’s really annoying but I really do love him and he’s a good boyfriend and all but I don’t know how to stop him from asking or doing offensive things to my friends/ friends of friends. What do I do? (Also sorry if this doesn’t make sense. If you need a clearer part just let me know)

Oh man where do I start? So my husband and I have been married for 15 years. We just had our anniversary. When I met him I had a 2 1/2 year old. My son is now 20 and he stays with his dad, his grandparents and me sometimes. Right now we full time RV but we have 2 RVs so we have plenty of space. My son comes and goes when he wants and I don’t care, I like when he stays but he is pretty independent and does his own thing. He graduated a year early and has been working ever since. He has been waiting to get in this big aerospace company for over a year and they’re taking forever. He did all of it on his own without asking for help he normally never ask for anything from me except when his dad (previous marriage) decided to take a car back that he lent to him because he needed it. So my husband and I started looking for a car for him. We found a little Saturn that ended up only being $1000. My husband charged him $200 to go drive down and get it even though he’s going to that area anyways and we got a huge fight with him about that and told him my son shouldn’t have to pay $200 to go pick up a car when I could’ve just taken my car and gone down there if I had known, who charges kid that? But that was months ago. So my son drove it around for about 4 months or so and one day he called and said he had blown the engine. He was told to make sure to put oil in it and he didn’t. So I told him that he was going to have to pay me back for that car and I would buy him a new car (old) so we found a 10 year old Chevy Cruze. I let him borrow $3700 for that car (he put in $1300 of his money) and the agreement was for him to pay for the old car and the new car. That came to $4700. We told him he needs to take care of the car and make sure the oil gets change and do all the up keep. He has been doing the up keep very well except for washing the car. He didn’t wash it once. I said to him a couple time that he needed to wash it and my husband said he needed to wash it. Still didnt. Well one night my husband told him that he needed to wash his car and my son said he will do it when he can get to it. Well my husband flipped out and started yelling and my son just left. You won’t see my son yell ever, he is the most calm person you will ever meet and will never yell. He will say what’s on his mind but won’t yell. So he left and went over to the other trailer that I own. My husband got so mad and kicked him off the Internet and yelled at me for 20 minutes about how he was so mad about his car and that my son doesn’t respect me and still owes me (not him) money and that the car should never get that dirty. (My husband owes me a lot of money too and my sons dad has a messy car, that’s where he gets it from) I told him, I won’t put up with someone yelling at me and I told him he can’t yell at another adult. He is 20 years old and my husband doesn’t pay any of his bills. I help him with the phone bill, but that’s it. So the next day, my son hits a cat that darted across the street and it messed up the grill and his fog lamp so myhusband yelling and screaming at me because he hasn’t fixed the fog lamp or the grill on the car so I text my son. “Hey, you might wanna check out the front of your car make sure it gets fixed it looks like the front grill is broken” he text me that he ordered the part but he didn’t know how to fix the rest even though my husband does and my husband refuses to help him fix it because he thinks my son needs to learn to fix it himself. A few days after that I was talking to my husband about looking into a new job opportunity but asked him what I should do and if I should really switch careers and how we would handle things. He started yelling again that he has already told me to just do it and find out. Yes, I have asked him but he won’t talk about the money part if it doesn’t work out, I need us to sit down and figure out finances and if we can make it work because it a big change in the beginning. So he’s yelling at me for that, So I got upset and told him how our anniversary sucked that I paid for most of our whole trip and he hasn’t done anything for 5 years and it’s really hurt. He said he “ I stopped caring…” I told him “have a good day” and hung up. I asked him if he was that unhappy why didn’t he tell me earlier and he said he did but I wouldn’t leave. (I had a mental breakdown because of his other actions) so now he’s telling me that I took him the wrong way and he said he stopped caring to give me gifts or do stuff with me. We now are staying in our own RVs and not talking to each other. I will let you know what happens. There are so many crazy things that have happened with this man and he cares more about his friends than his family. I will have to tell the story one day of how I had to fly home because he wanted to park our 5th wheel at his friends house (some married girl he met on a work trip) and I wouldn’t do it so I got out of the truck in the middle of Colorado and ended flying home because he wanted to hang out with her on our vacation. But that’s for a different post.

Oh man where do I start? So my husband and I have been married for 15 years. We just had our anniversary. When I met him I had a 2 1/2 year old. My son is now 20 and he stays with his dad, his grandparents and me sometimes. Right now we full time RV but we have 2 RVs so we have plenty of space. My son comes and goes when he wants and I don’t care, I like when he stays but he is pretty independent and does his own thing. He graduated a year early and has been working ever since. He has been waiting to get in this big aerospace company for over a year and they’re taking forever. He did all of it on his own without asking for help he normally never ask for anything from me except when his dad (previous marriage) decided to take a car back that he lent to him because he needed it. So my husband and I started looking for a car for him. We found a little Saturn that ended up only being $1000. My husband charged him $200 to go drive down and get it even though he’s going to that area anyways and we got a huge fight with him about that and told him my son shouldn’t have to pay $200 to go pick up a car when I could’ve just taken my car and gone down there if I had known, who charges kid that? But that was months ago. So my son drove it around for about 4 months or so and one day he called and said he had blown the engine. He was told to make sure to put oil in it and he didn’t. So I told him that he was going to have to pay me back for that car and I would buy him a new car (old) so we found a 10 year old Chevy Cruze. I let him borrow $3700 for that car (he put in $1300 of his money) and the agreement was for him to pay for the old car and the new car. That came to $4700. We told him he needs to take care of the car and make sure the oil gets change and do all the up keep. He has been doing the up keep very well except for washing the car. He didn’t wash it once. I said to him a couple time that he needed to wash it and my husband said he needed to wash it. Still didnt. Well one night my husband told him that he needed to wash his car and my son said he will do it when he can get to it. Well my husband flipped out and started yelling and my son just left. You won’t see my son yell ever, he is the most calm person you will ever meet and will never yell. He will say what’s on his mind but won’t yell. So he left and went over to the other trailer that I own. My husband got so mad and kicked him off the Internet and yelled at me for 20 minutes about how he was so mad about his car and that my son doesn’t respect me and still owes me (not him) money and that the car should never get that dirty. (My husband owes me a lot of money too and my sons dad has a messy car, that’s where he gets it from) I told him, I won’t put up with someone yelling at me and I told him he can’t yell at another adult. He is 20 years old and my husband doesn’t pay any of his bills. I help him with the phone bill, but that’s it. So the next day, my son hits a cat that darted across the street and it messed up the grill and his fog lamp so myhusband yelling and screaming at me because he hasn’t fixed the fog lamp or the grill on the car so I text my son. “Hey, you might wanna check out the front of your car make sure it gets fixed it looks like the front grill is broken” he text me that he ordered the part but he didn’t know how to fix the rest even though my husband does and my husband refuses to help him fix it because he thinks my son needs to learn to fix it himself. A few days after that I was talking to my husband about looking into a new job opportunity but asked him what I should do and if I should really switch careers and how we would handle things. He started yelling again that he has already told me to just do it and find out. Yes, I have asked him but he won’t talk about the money part if it doesn’t work out, I need us to sit down and figure out finances and if we can make it work because it a big change in the beginning. So he’s yelling at me for that, So I got upset and told him how our anniversary sucked that I paid for most of our whole trip and he hasn’t done anything for 5 years and it’s really hurt. He said he “ I stopped caring…” I told him “have a good day” and hung up. I asked him if he was that unhappy why didn’t he tell me earlier and he said he did but I wouldn’t leave. (I had a mental breakdown because of his other actions) so now he’s telling me that I took him the wrong way and he said he stopped caring to give me gifts or do stuff with me. We now are staying in our own RVs and not talking to each other. I will let you know what happens. There are so many crazy things that have happened with this man and he cares more about his friends than his family. I will have to tell the story one day of how I had to fly home because he wanted to park our 5th wheel at his friends house (some married girl he met on a work trip) and I wouldn’t do it so I got out of the truck in the middle of Colorado and ended flying home because he wanted to hang out with her on our vacation. But that’s for a different post.

Well first off I’ll state I’m pretty fucked up. Bipolar type 1, 2 CVAs (strokes), brain mass (inoperable), GERD causing esophagitis and duodenitis, PTSD, and various other things. I’ve wanted to die since I was 11, probably would have been diagnosed with MDD if I had ever voiced it or my parents payed more attention to it. As I aged the manic and depression episodes began. After having migraines for years, they ordered CT of brain probably with and without contrast and oh boy they freaked. That’s when they found out about the CVAs and brain mass. I was set up with a neurosurgeon and they monitored it very closely due to location. If they fucked up by 0.5mm, I would bleed out on the table before they could clamp it. This happened just after turning 18. Needless to say, I sorta lost it not knowing how much time I had days, weeks, months, years. No one could tell me. Never really had much of a fear of death, but this completely took it away. Found my first love and she played me so fucking well she deserves an Oscar. Pathological liar. After I realized that I would never be enough for her I cut her out of my life and never looked back. Lots of alcohol, drugs, lady friends, erratic driving (only by myself with no one else near me), stupid shit on bikes, you get the picture. At 19/20, I met the second love of my life. She was fucking amazing and very sweet. We didn’t put labels on it, but neither of us were seeing anyone else. I was actually considering marrying this woman. She lived 2.5-3hrs away, but the commute never bothered me (she was borderline narcoleptic so she couldn’t drive long distances without potentially passing out). Eventually we had a fight about something and stopped talking for close to a month. I hit her up and was shocked to find out that she was in a relationship. She was still in to me, but wanted to see where it went with this guy, so I backed off. I still love her, but I had to let her go for someone that is stable. She deserves to be happy. Haven’t spoken since. That shit plus the first woman combined put my heart on ice. I literally don’t trust anyone anymore at this point. Damn sure was not a saint, but around 20, I got into EMS cause I wanted to help others with whatever time I had left. Did that for many years and definitely caused some scars and PTSD, but I helped the ones that I could, and for that I’m thankful. As I entered EMS, I got clean, but still drank. My drinking became more frequent and higher volume. Getting fucked up was the only way to cope. Got loaded and got the cops called on me for SI. Talked my way out of it when I said “Are you really willing to go to court over this?” He and the other cops dipped after a few exchanges. Long story short, my mom convinced me to go to the hospital. This was my first and shortest admit. I’ve been an inpatient over 10 times now for alcohol SI and SA (failed, cops go into my house quick enough to stop me from bleeding out). Currently I am 15 months sober after staying almost a month as inpatient. My meds have changed sooooo many times. So yeah, I hate sobriety with all of my being. I’m pissed off about existing and yes I know about familial love, but I don’t really believe in love. It’s just a matter of time till I relapse and/or kill myself. Heh this is my first post here and it might not even go through, but fuck it. I honestly don’t know why I typed this because no one fucking cares.. If anyone actually reads this I’ll be surprised.

Listen, I got diagnosed with HSV1, in 2022 and thought nothing of it because I was uneducated so I didn’t tell my then boyfriend because I thought everybody got it I thought HSV one was canker sores so you could understand why I didn’t think it was a big deal and we had only been doing oral stuff for like 2 weeks, I really had no type of education on it. Shortly after I began this relationship officially and I still never told my boyfriend about it, We had only begun talking at that point and just oral stuff because I knew he had HSV2 and he had just got diagnosed a few months prior so we were both worried so we didn’t have sex for about a month and a half. Fast-forward now it’s October 2022 I go visit him as he’s long-distance, and I don’t know what happened but I felt a little bit off like a minor UTI the day I got there and by the end of the trip I will spare you the details, but this was probably the worst UTI. I thought I had it was disgusting…. I had no bumps no nothing, so I didn’t think it was herpes, it didn’t even cross my mind, on the plane ride home I got viciously nauseous and by the time I walked in the door home, I went to the bathroom and I had bumps all over me literally took two hours for those bumps to even appear. I wanted to cry I wanted to scream I was terrified and I was in the most unimaginable pain, I told my boyfriend and he was freaking out that he gave it to me, and the next morning he was covered too.. which I thought was odd considering he had already had his initial outbreak, that’s when I went to the doctor and found out I had HSV1 gentially, and I was like oh fuck I gave him hsv1… fast-forward now it’s official that I have it and now my boyfriend has HSV1&2 and I have HSV1 so neither of us took meds since we were dating and now it’s December of 2022, he comes home for Christmas and he was having an outbreak prior to him flying in and we only waited six days after his outbreak cleared up so he was technically still active and we had sex and he ended up ripping me up a little bit so I had an open cut inside my vagina and then I was paranoid so I went to the doctor and lo and behold. They swabbed it and now I have HSV2 because I ripped open and he wasn’t fully recovered, I can’t blame him for that, though that was both of our mistakes.. since then I’ve only had two other outbreaks, one from high extreme emotional stress, and the other one from having sex after a long period of time but now major problems with painful sex, I swear the spot that I got diagnosed with HSV2 rips every time now from weak skin I guess and sex is unenjoyable and super painful for me now. Me and this boyfriend are no longer together, and I just have this insane amount of anxiety and fear in me now because in a relationship, I thought nothing of it and I gave everybody advice who had just gotten it and I was pretty damn confident I knew what to do I knew to take the medication, blah blah blah, but it was because I was in what I thought was a healthy loving relationship, and it turned out not to be… all I can think now about is the fact I’m now giving myself a chance to date again I’m interested in this new guy and he would be the first interest I’ve had since the break up, I never thought I would have to actually go through with the whole disclosure thing with someone else, I didn’t think we’d ever break up we were very serious. Obviously of course I would tell my future partner about my status and I understand that I may get rejected and that’s okay, but it’s the anxiety of damn now I can’t hook up with people at 25 years old. I can’t just do what I normally would do before my diagnosis when I’m single and have fun and date around… because I want to be respectful of other peoples health, I feel like now on top of many other health issues I have as a women, this thing is what is going to drag down further with my self esteem. And I hate the idea of condoms and I’m Terrible at consistently taking medication that’s why I never do. Now I have to. The idea that now I have to have this in the back of my mind and always be aware of it makes me so depressed and overthinking all the time. All I could think about is damn I really am sensitive right now I have a chance to finally try and be happy and not miserable and I don’t want my feelings hurt, I don’t want to be rejected and I don’t wanna have to worry about this because I have so many other things in my life that I need to worry about this is just the icing on the cake. It’s difficult enough to tell somebody about your diagnosis, but imagine having to tell them you have hsv1AND2 gentially. I finally now understand why so many people on here are always so worried. I hate being single.